eternity is the second hour of Trivial Pursuit

Eternity id waiting for the rabbit to die

eternity is waiting for AAA in the rain

eternity is the second ten minutes of aerobics

eternity is somebody reloading the projector for more home movies

eternity is jogging back

hahaha

ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh f'king hilarious

i would never do the last one, i want to keep my penis

that would suck

hahahahahahahahaha

damn right it does!

there's this guy who is so unlukcy, he made love to and inflatable doll, and her inflatable husband came in and beat him up

he's so unlucky, he got a kidney transplant from a bedwetter

he has no luck. he went to the big city, hid his money in his sock, and a midget picked his ankle

he ahs no luck. his inflatable doll just ran off with his airbag

if it was rainng soup, he'd be standing outside with a fork

he's very unlucky. last week his swimming pool burned down

a man lay dying, his wife by his side.
in a voice barely more than a whisper, he says to his wife
"dear, you've been with me through everything. remember when i tripped on that rake and broke my ankle? you were there. when i lost my business, you were there. now i'm weak and ill, and here you are again. you know dear, i think your bad luck!"

he's got no luck. he put a seashell to his ear and got a busy signal.

i know a guy who was sued by his wife for sterility, so he hired a lawyer.
then a girl sued him for fathering her child.
he got another lawyer.
HE LOST BOTH CASES!

luck is looking for a needle in the hay stack and finding the farmers daughter.

luck is when you marry a woman for love and find out later shes got money

A college basketball coach discovered a young highschool student who was a dream come true. he was 7'4" and never missed a basket.
unfortunately, he wasnt an academic whiz.
the coach begged the academic dean to admit the young man.
the dean agreed saying "if he can answer three questions he'll be admitted."
the young man is brought before the dean who askes
"how much is two and two?"
the young man thought and thought, finally he says "four"
the dean went on "how much is four and four?"
the young amn began to sweat and after awhile said "eight"
for the final question the dean asked "how much is eight and eight?"
the young man is sweating furiously. after and eternity he says "sixteen"
with that the coach fell to his knees and said to the dean
"please! give him another chance!!"

A man is going to baby sit a friends large dog and is given the instructions.
"just dont aggravate him and it'll be fine."
"How will i know when he's aggravated?"
the owner replies "by the whoosh of air through where your crotch used to be."

1. your getting old if you remember when radios plugged into the wall and tooth brushes didnt

2.you're aging when dialing lon distance wears you out

3.your getting old when the little old lady you help across the street is your wife

4.your aging when you worry because you dont have any symptoms

5.your aging if your pushing sixty and its pushing back

6.your aging when your sex drive turns into a putt

7.your geting old when your children begin to look middle aged.

8.your getting old when you spend more time looking at the menu than the waitress

9.aging isnt fair, the young dont know what to do and the old cant do what they know

10. your getting old when you smoke only after sex and it comes to a pack a year.

11.your getting on in years if your telephone cord is kinky and your sex isnt

12. aging is like reaching the top of a ladder and finding out its leaning against the wrong wall.

13.your old if when you were young the dead sea was still alive.

14. aging is when you can remember what you did yesterday only by what you did today

15. aging sucks. by the time you learn to behave yourself, there's nothing else you can do.

16. the trouble with aging is by the time we know what its about, we dont want to.

17.your getting old when you cant fool chili at dinner.

18. your aging when the partner you could have married looks like the one you did.

19.your aging hwen you feel terrible the morning after you had no fun the night before.

20.your getting on in years if your just as pretty as you ever were, but now it takes an hour longer.

21.your aging when you actions creak louder than your words

22. aging is the time in life when your get-up-and-go...did

23.you know your aging when everything hurts and what doesnt hurt, doesnt work.

24.your aging hwne it takes you three hours to undress and two to remember why.

25.growing older has its benefits. all the music you like is in the bargain bin.

26.your aging when your happy hour is a nap.

27.when your old, you cant date women your age because there arent any.

28.the older you get, the greater you were.

29.your aging when your biological urge has become an occasional nudge.

30.your getting old when you know what a balloon payment is.

1.never play poker with a guy named ace!

2.never borrow money from a finance company whos name is nunzio or vito

3.its always better to give than recieve, especially if your a fighter

4.advice can be very good, especially if it doesnt interfere with your plans

5.advice: always pass it on because you wont use it

6.if you know the difference between good and bad advice, you dont need advice

7.i finally figured out why god amde man first: he didnt want a woman behind hi advising him on how to create man

8.dont hesitate to give advice. it passes the time and nobody listens to you anyways

9.when arguing with a stupid person, make sure he isnt doing the same

NO DONT SHAVE IT!!!!!, IF YOU DO IT GROWS AND GROWS AND YOU HAVE TO SHAVE IT LIKE ONCE A WEEK OR IT BECOMES THE GIANT FUR BALL THAT ATTCKS YOUR TESTICLES AND THROWS THEM INTO A FIT OF UNRELENTING ICHINESS!!!!!! DONT DO IT!!!!!! (just for the record yes, i do shave but like i said, once a week, dont do it! it gets all tangly and everything and it gets to be a huge mess and then it beecomes a b*tch to shave, especially when you have scissors or a razor that arent sharp enough!)

...dont really know what to say.... it was funny, but i was kind of not expecting it

(this is a compilation of various adam and eve jokes)

on their first night out together adam warned eve
"stand back, i dont know how big this thing gets"

adam and eve must have been irish.
the first time he saw her he said "oh,hair"
and she said "oh,tool"

adam had it good, he didnt have to listen to eve talk about all the guys she could have married

there came a time when adam started to stay out all hours of the night. he'd sneak back into eden very late at night.
eve watched him for a time, then one day, while he was sleeping, she tiptoed over to him and counted his ribs.

adam said to eve "eve, i wear the plants in the family."

it was the day after they were created, and adam looked at eve and said "you were created yesterday, and you already have a headache?"

eve was made from adams rib.
there are alot of men who wish he'd kept his big rib shut.

what time of day was adam created?
a little before eve

eve asks adam "adam, do you love me?
adam replies "who else?"

of course, adam livced in paradise, he had no mother in law

adam had a wife now, but he didnt know what to do with her.
god told him to study the birds and the bees.
the next day adam said to god "it works ok when i fly out of a tree at her, but it hurts like hell if i miss."

adam looked, and there was eve.
they went to bed.
the next morning adam says to god "God, would you like another rib?"

what did the serpent say to eve?
"bet you cant eat just one!"

adam asked God "God, why did you make sucha beautiful women?"
God says "to get you interested."
"why did you give her such a sweet personality?"
"to get you to fall in love with her"
"then why did you make her so DUMB!"
"so SHE'D fall in love with YOU!"

i didnt even read all of them, but the ones i did read were good

the govt sucks right now,bush is getting his d*ck sucked all the time anyways (note the words government sucks, get it hahaha pun on words...nevermind)

i hope my kids are that funny