In some cases, they're trying to kill the pain by replacing it with new sensations. I don't consider that approach a healthy one, and often results in transference of some kind. Usually the negative kind - such as bitterness or resentment carried over from the break up then being taken out on the new partner.

Best to deal with the break up first and move on when you're in a better place emotionally and mentally speaking.

I'll let you off then! ;)

That's not what he was saying! He was just joking! It was a play on the words in your title and him subsequently replying. Read the rest of his message - it was one of support! Relax xx

And yes, this is what this part of the forum is for - for getting feedback on your profile.

Actually, what you may be seeing is people's public image. On the surface they appear calm and collected, like nothing bothers them (that's often me). At home, in the privacy of their own space, it's a different story.

If you truly cared about someone, it may very well hit you hard sooner or later. You'll miss them, you'll be tempted to go back to them at some point (I'm pretty sure love is compared to a drug for a reason), but not everyone is so open about it.

Sounds pretty bob-on to me! XD

@Paintecards: My reaction would be the same! I have no interest in a reunion. It sounds like an awful thing to be surrounded by a bunch of people who don't really give a crap, or they just want to parade their fake, perfect lives around. Though I know that plenty of the girls I went to school with dropped out of college to have babies. Their choice, I'm not judging, I just don't think I need to hear about what they've been up to since.

@GreekAdonis: That sounds a little like hell to me. As much as I love the idea of having a fantastic relationship where I'm super happy, I want us to be able to function independently of each other too. My last ex was of the opinion that you don't need anyone but family and spouse. He basically turned around to me and said he had no interest in meeting or getting to know the friends I had at the time as we'd be moving away anyway. That didn't go down well, I can assure you.

I only really have two pointers:
*proofread your text - there's a few errors that you may want to clear up. Such as "son grown sons".
*Do away with apologising for your hobbies! You're not "boring", as you put it. Take pride in your interests. When you're passionate about something, it becomes interesting.

Best of luck and welcome to Mingle. :D

Haha. Thanks *blush* Might be best avoiding the donuts though - I might get ill! *eyeroll*

Exactly! Realistically, I know all experiences make us who we are and I don't think I want to be any different. I sometimes wonder how different life would be, and whether it would be better or worse, if we did do the whole 'Sliding Doors' thing.

@Kik & Pkh: Thanks!

@Tawt: I hate it when old school 'friends' decide to suddenly appear! That's one of several reasons why I don't have facebook though. I'd often have that attitude of: "You didn't give a **** about me then, why do you suddenly want to talk to me now? Oh yes... you want to look popular..."

I'm pretty much at the point you're at, Tawt - found out who the "users" were, so to speak, so I have one friend who I'm not particularly close to but he is around and social when I'm available, plus one friend who I'm undecided about. He was there when I needed him, but otherwise he's incredibly unreliable (turning up late, cancelling last minute, etc...).

Other than my mum and stepdad, I'm not even close to family (I have two siblings). I think this is one of the reasons why relocating to other cities or whatever wouldn't bother me. It's not like I'll be leaving that much behind.

@Duttoneer: People I knew from school are married and having kids, yes. In terms of others in my age range, I have no idea.

I've tried several writer's groups, which were fine for meeting up with people and being social, but I found that solid friendships didn't really develop from it. Plus, it's a really weird environment to be in as it kind of feels incredibly competitive.

@Jaan_Doh: Thanks for the suggestions, Jaan. I particularly liked your mention of voluntary work. It's something I'm trying to get back into but at the moment it's difficult to fit it in with my constantly changing rotas. I even had a call from the National Trust about working at Lyme park but I can't even tell them when or how I can help since I don't know what I can commit to :(

I'm no longer close to anyone from school or college though. We all drifted apart and don't seem to have anything in common but that we went to school together. I did meet up with a girl last year from school and met some of her friends, but she was awful! She was screaming at her friends, swearing at the taxi driver, and all that. Basically just causing drama. I excused myself and have since just kept our contact to basic texting to make sure she's alive and well.

Fortunately I am good at time management though. Otherwise nothing would get done. This seems to be a problem when it comes to friendships as few seem to appreciate essentially being booked in on one of my days off. For some reason, that's cause for great offence.

Unless I develop a beard... then it's all over! haha.

It is. The problem I find though is that you grow so used to depending on yourself because you don't have anyone that, when you do, it becomes a problem as they believe you're not letting them in. Damned if you do, damned if you don't. I can seriously see me aging into one of those bent-backed crones who feeds the local wildlife, grows herbs and veggies in the garden, spends a lot of time in solitude and who the local kids joke about being a witch.

It's good to know I'm not the only one who experiences things like this. It can certainly feel very isolating. Especially because I don't believe there's anything wrong with me, in that sense. I'm not perfect, but I'm not the kind of person to lean too heavily on people. I'm usually very relaxed. I just enjoy good company, and to know someone's there if I do need them. Fortunately that's not very often, but it's sad when you do hit that rocky patch and find you have noone to fall back on, even if it's just to offer to meet you for a few drinks to get you away from it all for a while.

I do tend to let people go when I know that, for whatever reason or however much I've tried, it doesn't work. It just leaves me with noone around. I'd rather that than depend on people who aren't there anyway.

@Teebee: I really do love the honesty! :D

I'm 29, so I've had a combination of the lot. Currently though, I'm in a work place where the average age seems to be 18 years old :( My degree is home learning so, aside from the monthly tutorial, there's no opportunities to meet up. I can't actually make the tutorials though as I normally have to work weekends.

I don't believe in 'love at first sight', and there are instances where interest develops over time. I don't think it's possible to tell when you first meet someone if they're right for you straight away, but you should know from spending a few hours with them if there's any interest at all. The rest will come with time.

In my case, at the first meeting I'll usually know if they're someone I am interested in as a person. By the second or third meeting, I'll know if the interest is in them as more than friends. I'm not saying it works that way for everyone, but that may be the case for you also.

I'm with you on that one. If there's no spark, what's the point? My last actual relationship was two years ago. I tried the casual relationship with a friend last year, which was fun but I got bored pretty quickly. Not because of the sex, but it's the intimacy of being with someone you actually want to be with that I love and want. As such, I'm of the same mindset - I'm not going to waste their time or my time if I don't feel it's what I want.

It's right to explore your options - meet up with guys, get to know them, etc. But if you don't feel that spark then, in my opinion, it's not really a good idea to get involved unless it's a casual relationship you want. That's how it works for me anyway.

Oddly enough, they work like forum posts. They need time, they need attention, it involves lots of communication from all involved to create something worthy of your time, interest and energy and, if neglected, it will fizzle out and be forgotten.

In terms of the particulars, all that is a part of the communication between you and your potential partner - each relationship is different, but it has to be discussed so that you know what the expectations and needs of both of you are.

Like you said, people aren't sure what they want. It's not wasted time if it is just friendship they want (providing there's a platonic connection there). If they're really dreaming about meeting someone who rocks their socks, then meeting up with anyone who offers probably won't be that appealing to them.

My mindset is of someone who's not really sure exactly what I want, but I'm open to the possibility of something developing. If I believe there's a connection of sorts there, at whatever level, I'd want to ensure the other person is on board with that (ie/ if I think it's friendship, then I'd want them to know that). Some people don't really want options though, they want all or nothing.

I agree with this! I love having male friends - I get on with them far better than women, in many cases. The problem is that male friends usually started out thinking it's moving into more than friendship until I'm forced to set them straight. In some cases, that's when those friendships fail - when they realise (even though I made it clear early on it's just friendship) it's definitely taken off the table, they lose interest.

So it certainly can be hard striking that balance - wanting to develop friendships without leading someone on. Particularly, as sweetestgirl says, if she's hoping to build on new friendships with the hope they become a relationship. Would help if a person states that though.

It's not just on here, there's lots of people like that in the world. In some cases, I think people are just testing the water to see what kind of reaction they will get and they freak a little if they find themselves in the position where they may be looking at a meet up sooner than expected (or someone that may recognise them in the street).

I can't answer for the people you've approached as I don't know their motives. All I can do is point you towards a clich�: some people just aren't worth YOUR time. You did the right thing - you put yourself out there. The rest is up to them. If they don't do anything about it, they only have themselves to blame if they have noone to talk to.

Best of luck with your future approaches.

@2KidsMom: Sounds a little desperate/manipulative?