I tend to spend a lot of time on the periphery of social groups. I get on with people, I can have a laugh and make people laugh, but I'm rarely the one actually meeting up with people.

I've shared phone numbers and emails with people, I've attempted to arrange meet ups for certain interest groups only to be turned down or noone turn up, I've have colleagues go on about wanting to meet for coffee/drinks but never been able to set a day/date...

Even people I've known for years just seem to disappear, despite me attempting to maintain those links. I find that the friends I develop are often 'fair weather friends', or they moan about not meeting up only to cancel last minute when arrangements are made, fail to let you know what plans are until the last minute or turning up excessively late. Just expecting you to sit around waiting for them.

You could say that accepting this behaviour is why it continues but I actually don't, which is why my friendship group is getting smaller and smaller. I definitely prefer quality over quantity but the friends I have aren't all that present.

I know that I'm a good friend - I'm considerate, I'm supportive, I'm proactive and love going out there and doing things. The only difficulty is that I work full-time with shifts that aren't set days and I am studying for a degree. This may mean a bit of planning to get to meet up, but I know I'm not the only person in the world that has that problem.

I just wondered what other people's takes were on this. Do you have this problem with 'friends'? How do you go about making new friends that you connect with and respect you? Do you find your friendships run in cycles?

I can't help feeling envious of those people that have had friends for most of their lives - and they're still incredibly close!

Are these co-workers or classmates or people you know outside of work or school? I'm asking because with your schedule being the way it is, maybe it's harder for non-co-workers and non-classmates to meet up. If you were approaching those with the same schedules, perhaps it would be easier?

And don't get me started on "fair weather friends" I've had a lot of those, glad they're gone.

I'm 29, so I've had a combination of the lot. Currently though, I'm in a work place where the average age seems to be 18 years old :( My degree is home learning so, aside from the monthly tutorial, there's no opportunities to meet up. I can't actually make the tutorials though as I normally have to work weekends.

Lost_in_reverie I share the same questions about friendships, and relationships as well as you do. Seems like a lot of these seem "not so present". I have, like you, been supportive, caring, and devoted to the friendships I have made. Sometimes, that devotion in friendship has not always been reciprocated. The only conclusion I have been able to come up with is that they were not as deeply committed to the friendship as I was, and, therefore, did not cherish or nourish it as I did. They knew they could depend on me to be there at any time, day or night, through good times and bad, no matter what they needed. People are different and they are not cut from the same mold. As regards fair-weather friends, as Paintecards stated, mine have been long gone, some even returned after many years or even after a few months, only to find out I would no longer trust them with the degree of friendship, if any, which they had first enjoyed. Regardless, I knew I had given it my best shot in the friendship department, and if they had to move on for whatever reason, I just had to let them go and wish the best for them. JMHO.

In the same boat here! I have alot of friends but only fair weather ttypes!Just recently I found out a " friend" has been talking poorly of me behind my back! Which surpirsed me because she is one of these " Let's meet up" "Let's go for a night out" type of friend!
Now... at my age, I've become more selective with my friendships.

However, it seems that as I get older, some behavior really annoy me and I'm just not making the friendships I use to.

Maybe that's why, I've come back to Mingle! The ladies on here rock!
You can always count on you girls to be honest and straitforward!
I love it!

It's good to know I'm not the only one who experiences things like this. It can certainly feel very isolating. Especially because I don't believe there's anything wrong with me, in that sense. I'm not perfect, but I'm not the kind of person to lean too heavily on people. I'm usually very relaxed. I just enjoy good company, and to know someone's there if I do need them. Fortunately that's not very often, but it's sad when you do hit that rocky patch and find you have noone to fall back on, even if it's just to offer to meet you for a few drinks to get you away from it all for a while.

I do tend to let people go when I know that, for whatever reason or however much I've tried, it doesn't work. It just leaves me with noone around. I'd rather that than depend on people who aren't there anyway.

@Teebee: I really do love the honesty! :D

Just remember the quote: What doesn't kill you, makes YOU stronger. Those words have been a great comfort, to me anyway.

It is. The problem I find though is that you grow so used to depending on yourself because you don't have anyone that, when you do, it becomes a problem as they believe you're not letting them in. Damned if you do, damned if you don't. I can seriously see me aging into one of those bent-backed crones who feeds the local wildlife, grows herbs and veggies in the garden, spends a lot of time in solitude and who the local kids joke about being a witch.

Well, I do grow veggies in my garden, I do like some solitude, but to date no one has called me a witch nor a bent-backed crone and I'm definitely in that age category range. So, cheer up, there is immense hope for you!!!

Unless I develop a beard... then it's all over! haha.

Yeah, I know what you mean and when I moved back to Edinburgh I lost contact with all of my old friends and aquaintances. Actually, they were mainly people that I wanted to get away from anyway and I don't want them to find out where I live now, or get my phone number.

So, I moved back here but didn't know the area and it was supposed to be a fresh start and I hoped to make new friends and build a new life for myself. As I mentioned in another thread, I've tried joining in with a lot of organised activities over the years to get out and meet people but haven't really made any lasting friendships that way. You go along to a class and sure, people will chat with you there and it gets you out of the house for a bit but then everybody goes home and back to their own lives and friends.

I tried the singles clubs a couple of times but that wasn't really for me and the last time I was there there were only old women there. These sorts of things can be fun to start off with but after a few weeks the people that run them and help out just leave you to get on with it and stop introducing you to new people.

Since I moved back to the city I've noticed how people just aren't as friendly as they are when you live in a small community and when I go down to the village where my parents still live people will stop and talk to you in the street but they rarely do here.

I had two friends that lived in my neighborhood here. One of them is an alcoholic and he used to come round for a drink and to play pool with me but he's to absorbed with his own problems and his alcoholism has become so bad that he showed up at my door a few times recently and was so drunk that I just wanted him to leave me alone.

My other friend that lived round here was my ex and I didn't speak to her for five years after the way that it ended. I'm friends with her again now though and she has proved to be a genuine friend, despite the fact that we didn't always get on very well when we were together. She's moved away to another town now and can't just come over for a chat whenever she likes but we are maintaining the friendship by chatting on the phone and she comes into the town to see me when she isn't too busy with other stuff.

I had an old schoolfriend that appeared at my door after years and he was just too much. He went on about how I was his oldest friend but he just wouldn't leave me alone and kept showing up at my door whenever he felt like it, without phoning first. Turned out that he was gay and I had to tell him to stop pestering me and stop putting notes through my door and the other creepy stuff that he was doing.

When I met a girl on here this Summer we really hit it off and she said to me on that first day before it actually got "romantic" that whatever happened between us she knew that we would always be friends. Well, she isn't speaking to me just now and may never do so again for all that I know. I wasn't pushy with her at all but the problem that I've found with women is that they tend to interpret all sorts of perfectly innocent and harmless things as "controlling behaviour", so that as soon as you actually start acting like a real friend that really cares about them they don't want to know you anymore. It's really f**ked up and there's bugger all that I do to try to control women. I just ask for a bit of consideration and don't like being used by them when they feel like sparing me a bit of their precious time and being completely ignored when they can't be bothered, or have better things to do than pick up the phone, or send me a quick message to say how they are and what's up.

I've had a lot of problems with my brother over the years but recently we're getting on fine and I plan to go and visit him more in the new year and go out to the pub with him and stuff if he's into that.

So, basically I've got my family, neighbors that I don't have all that much to do with, one close friend and no social circle as such but I'm not too bothered about that. You do find out who your real friends are when you really need them and who the users are that will drop you when you're no longer any use to them, or when they can't be bothered with you anymore and would rather spend their time with other people, or sitting at home with their heads stuck up their own backsides whining about stuff that you supposedly did to them, instead of just picking up the phone and asking how you're getting on and saying sorry that they haven't been in touch for a while.

I believe we all have lots of acquaintances but very few friends. I have found most long standing friendships through college and work and having a commom interest with like minded people, and although I have only a few friends, they are true friends. However, we do not meet up every week, but we do keep in regular contact.

My guess would be that in your age group, most are courting or married, which puts a limit on what people can do without their partners so I can understand the difficulty you have experienced in arranging meet ups with co-workers and colleagues. My only suggestion would be to find a like minded person, someone with a similar interest, sport, hobby, and hopefully you will find a friendship developes.

Hope this helps.

@Tawt: I hate it when old school 'friends' decide to suddenly appear! That's one of several reasons why I don't have facebook though. I'd often have that attitude of: "You didn't give a **** about me then, why do you suddenly want to talk to me now? Oh yes... you want to look popular..."

I'm pretty much at the point you're at, Tawt - found out who the "users" were, so to speak, so I have one friend who I'm not particularly close to but he is around and social when I'm available, plus one friend who I'm undecided about. He was there when I needed him, but otherwise he's incredibly unreliable (turning up late, cancelling last minute, etc...).

Other than my mum and stepdad, I'm not even close to family (I have two siblings). I think this is one of the reasons why relocating to other cities or whatever wouldn't bother me. It's not like I'll be leaving that much behind.

@Duttoneer: People I knew from school are married and having kids, yes. In terms of others in my age range, I have no idea.

I've tried several writer's groups, which were fine for meeting up with people and being social, but I found that solid friendships didn't really develop from it. Plus, it's a really weird environment to be in as it kind of feels incredibly competitive.

@Jaan_Doh: Thanks for the suggestions, Jaan. I particularly liked your mention of voluntary work. It's something I'm trying to get back into but at the moment it's difficult to fit it in with my constantly changing rotas. I even had a call from the National Trust about working at Lyme park but I can't even tell them when or how I can help since I don't know what I can commit to :(

I'm no longer close to anyone from school or college though. We all drifted apart and don't seem to have anything in common but that we went to school together. I did meet up with a girl last year from school and met some of her friends, but she was awful! She was screaming at her friends, swearing at the taxi driver, and all that. Basically just causing drama. I excused myself and have since just kept our contact to basic texting to make sure she's alive and well.

Fortunately I am good at time management though. Otherwise nothing would get done. This seems to be a problem when it comes to friendships as few seem to appreciate essentially being booked in on one of my days off. For some reason, that's cause for great offence.

EXCELLENT observation.

It seems as though many or most people fail to distinguish the two.

An associate or "friendly acquaintance" is often given the designation "friend" -- although the latter term should probably be reserved for those with whom a greater depth of relationship has developed.

It is unreasonable to expect / require an acquaintance to act in the role of friend (though it may happen occasionally)

I had a girl from school try to "reconnect" with me after 20 years, although it's not really reconnecting if you've never spoken to the person. She was planning a high school reunion and wanted "to see how I was doing and what I was up to."

My thoughts were, "Oh really? Now you give a crap? When I needed friends at that hellish place, you were no where to be found, but now 20 years later, when I'm an adult and don't really need anyone and it's somewhat safe to speak to me, because no one will judge you (much), here you are????"

So I basically told her that and she had the nerve to be surprised and apologized for giving my (then) work email to a bunch of people I didn't know for contact purposes....

I guess I was supposed to be overjoyed to be recognized 20 years later?

Silly me...

Im amazed at how many go through this.
I also echo your initial opening remarks.
I wont list them like you have and most others have.
And I can only conclude that we are not in their inner circle of friends but their outer circle of friends. So when they leave you they have a group they are closer with if they are at a loose end then they move to the outer friendships "us".
So I always feel like im on the outer frienship with my friends.
I don't really know what the answer is but I know what I would like to happen. And that is that I meet a soul mate, we shut the door in these other people and just enjoy our own company for ever and ever...
(I better snap out of it before it turns into 51 shades of grey)
We try very hard to be a good friend and feel hurt when you need someone and they are not there.

@Paintecards: My reaction would be the same! I have no interest in a reunion. It sounds like an awful thing to be surrounded by a bunch of people who don't really give a crap, or they just want to parade their fake, perfect lives around. Though I know that plenty of the girls I went to school with dropped out of college to have babies. Their choice, I'm not judging, I just don't think I need to hear about what they've been up to since.

@GreekAdonis: That sounds a little like hell to me. As much as I love the idea of having a fantastic relationship where I'm super happy, I want us to be able to function independently of each other too. My last ex was of the opinion that you don't need anyone but family and spouse. He basically turned around to me and said he had no interest in meeting or getting to know the friends I had at the time as we'd be moving away anyway. That didn't go down well, I can assure you.

Fair comment, maybe I didn't explain myself properly.
I think when you're in a good happy relationship you just live life with your partner and see the few friends that want to be in your life so less depending on friends to go out with.
As we can see there are quite a few in a similar situation and I don't know if there is an answer?

I'll let you off then! ;)

Personally I dont think your friends realise what a wonderful and caring and thoughtful friend they have.