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Community > Posts By > harrypotter2
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Topic:
DON'T Eat here
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Topic:
Celibacy Test
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Topic:
Warning new date drug!!!
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Topic:
Cup of Tea.
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Topic:
GOTTA PEE
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Topic:
Fifteen Bucks
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Topic:
Lost in a Balloon
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Topic:
The Chilli Cook Off
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Topic:
Yet ANOTHER BLONDE JOKE
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How can you tell when a blonde is having a bad day? When she can't find her cigarette and her tampon is behind her ear.  
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Topic:
MORALS
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A teacher gave her class of 11 year olds an assignment: Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it. The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories. Ashley said, "My father's a farmer and we have a lot of egg laying hens. One time we were taking our eggs to market in a basket on the front seat of the car when we hit a big bump in the road and all the eggs went flying and broke and made a mess and the moral of the story's, 'Don't put all your eggs in one basket'! "Very good," said the teacher. Next little Sarah raised her hand and said, "Our family are farmers too. But we raise chickens for the meat market. One day we had a dozen eggs, but when they hatched we only got ten live chicks, and the moral to this story is, 'Don't count your chickens before they're hatched'. "That was a fine story Sarah. Michael, do you have a story to share?" "Yes. My daddy told me this story about my Uncle Joe. Uncle Joe was a flight engineer on a plane in the Gulf War and his plane got hit. He had to bail out over enemy territory and all he had was a quart bottle of whisky, a machine gun and a machete. He drank the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn't break and then he landed right in the middle of 100 enemy troops. He killed seventy of them with the machine gun until he ran out of bullets. Then he killed twenty more with the machete until the blade broke. And then he killed the last ten with his bare hands." "Good heavens" said the horrified teacher, "That's a rather gruesome story Michael. What kind of moral did your daddy tell you from that horrible story?" "Stay the hell away from Uncle Joe when he's pissed."
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Topic:
MY PRIVATE PART DIED
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A wife buys a pair of crotchless knickers in an attempt to spice up a dead sex-life. She puts them on, together with a short skirt and sits on the sofa opposite her husband. At strategic moments she uncrosses her legs enough times till her husband says, ”Are you wearing crotchless knickers?” “Yes,” she answers, seductively. “Thank goodness for that. I thought the stuffing was coming out of the sofa.”
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Topic:
Nuts to you
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When Jane initially met Tarzan in the jungle, she was immediately attracted to him, and during her questions about his life, she asked him how he had sex? 'Tarzan not know sex' he replied. Jane explained to him what sex was. Tarzan said 'Oh, Tarzan use knot-hole in trunk of tree.' Horrified Jane said, 'Tarzan you have it all wrong, but I will show you how to do it properly.' Eagerly. she took off her clothing and lay down on the ground. 'Here' she said, pointing to her privates, 'you must put it in here.' Tarzan removed his loincloth, showing Jane his considerable manhood, stepped closer to her and kicked her in the crotch! Jane rolled around in agony for what seemed like an eternity. Eventually she managed to gasp for air and screamed, 'What did you do that for?' Tarzan replied, 'Check for squirrel.' 
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Topic:
A little boy on a bus
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A little boy got on the bus, sat next to a man reading a book, and noticed he had his collar on backwards. The little boy asked why he wore his collar backwards. The man, who was a priest, said, 'I am a Father' The little boy replied, 'My Daddy doesn't wear his collar like that.' The priest looked up from his book and answered, 'I am the Father of many.' The boy said, 'My Dad has 4 boys, 4 girls and two grandchildren and he doesn't wear his collar that way!' The priest, getting impatient, said. 'I am the Father of hundreds', and went back to reading his book. The little boy sat quietly thinking for a while, then leaned over and said, 'Maybe you should wear a condom and put your pants on backwards instead of your collar."
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Topic:
Here Doggy Doggy
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Topic:
Flea goes on a holiday
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A flea went to a travel agency to arrange to go on holidays. The agent says, "Well, how can I help you and what do you want for your holidays." The flea replies, "Firstly, I am a flea and my DNA screams out for Jungle and heat, you know, lay out there in the sun." "Well", says the agent thumbing through his book of places for fleas, "I have one very popular one here which is in Ringo Stars Hair in Nice in the South of France where he now resides." "Great," says the flea, and immediately leaves on his holiday with Ringo Star. After about 5 days, he returns to the travel agent, obviously upset by his holiday. "What went wrong there"" says the travel agent. "Well, I got there and tried to settle back to enjoy the holiday, but Ringo Star, all he ever does is play the drums and shake his head. I could never settle in and, being a little blood sucker, I could never get a good meal, and his head banging gave me a migraine." "Okay", says the agent and thumbed through his travel guide and came up with a new venue for the fleas holidays. "I have one here in Monte Carlo and I can give you a week in Johnny Depps Moustache. Now he's a class guy" "Now you're speaking my language," says the flea and off he goes to Monte carlo. After about 4 days he is back again and the Travel agent asks what went wrong this time. Well, says the flea, "It was no good at all. All day long he is playing Bridge in the Casino, smoking cheroots and the smoke comes up from his mouth into the moustache and it is like being in a gas chamber." "Okay" says the travel agent, thumbs through his catalogue and says, You are in luck, I have just had a cancellation and I have a holiday available here in Cannes, and I can give you a weeks holiday in Cameron Diaz's Muff. Done deal and off goes the flea. Once again, he is back in four days. I give up" says the travel agent, "You did not like that holiday!!!!!!!! "Like it, that was the best, greatest, most magnificent holiday of my life. I loved it," said the flea. "All day long, she just lays there in the sun, she doesn't want to be around anybody, shes like a sun goddess. She just lays there with beautiful soft music coming from a radio by her head and just absorbs the sun and I lay back in the warmth of her muff enjoying everything and the food is so easy to get. It was just perfect. I felt that I was in paradise and just never wanted to go home." "So", says the agent, "Why is it that you are back here and not enjoying your holiday. "I don't know," says the flea, "but after 3 days I found myself back in Johnny Depps moustache."
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Topic:
Wittle Wabbits
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A little girl walks into a pet shop and asks in the sweetest little lisp: "Excuthe me, mithter, do you keep wittle wabbiths?" And the shopkeeper gets down on his knees, so that he's on her level, and asks: "Do you want a wittle white wabby or a soft and fuwwy bwack wabby or maybe one like that cute wittle bwown wabby over there?" The little girl puts her hands on her knees, leans forward and says in a quiet voice: "I don't fink my pyfon really giveths a thit." 
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Topic:
No Speak English
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Topic:
How do these people survive?
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