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Community > Posts By > harrypotter2
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Edited by
harrypotter2
on
Mon 08/03/09 03:05 AM
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Did you dream up this list, Joined Tues? Or did you use a real life example? I would not be me if I did not say it needed a point or a few to describe etc YES I did join on a Tuesday. But unless you didn't pay particular attention. Joined Tue 04/10/07 Thanks for the candid answer, UK1971, I appreciate it. But I asked you if you had thought the list up by yourself in your post. I did not ask you whether you joined this Tuesday. Oh, cripes... here we go. Hey Tom. Great post
Wux; Joined Tues? AND Oh, cripes... here we go. Think that's a bit judgemental and rash, Considering You only joined a couple of DAYS ago. Or did you mean yourself? If so you're a day out as you apparently joined on Wednesday of last week .  
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Reminds me of the story of a drunk who was found staggering around the local towns cemetary tipping cola over the gravestones and singing,
'Come alive, You're in the Pepsi generation.'
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What is the difference between Bird Flu and Swine Flu? For bird flu you need tweetment and for swine flu you need oinkment. 
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Topic:
Olympic Misunderstanding
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A security guard at the Olympic Games in Beijing in 2008 saw a man dressed in athletes attire carrying a long stick. He approached the man and asked, “Are you a Pole Vaulter?” The man replied, “No, I’m German. And how did you know my name is Walter?”
Ve haf vays of laffing.
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First-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks... Was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, "Harry, what's your problem?" Harry answered, "I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!" Ms. Brooks had had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office. While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed. Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test. Principal: "What is 3 x 3?" Harry: "9." Principal: "What is 6 x 6?" Harry: "36." And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader should know. The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, "I think Harry can go to the 3rd grade." Ms. Brooks says to the principal, "Let me ask him some questions." The principal and Harry both agreed. Ms. Brooks asks, "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?" Harry, "Legs." Ms. Brooks: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?" The principal wondered why would she ask such a question! Harrry replied: "Pockets." Ms. Brooks: "What does a dog do that a man steps into?" Harry: "Pants." Ms. Brooks: What starts with a C, ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin, whitish liquid?" Harry: "Coconut." The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open. Ms. Brooks: "What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?" The principal's eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the answer, Harry "Gum." Ms. Brooks: "What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?" Harry: "Shake hands." The principal was trembling. Ms. Brooks: "What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of heat and excitement?" Harry: "Firetruck." The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, "Put Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the last seven questions wrong....."
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Topic:
No Milk
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A woman and a baby come into the doctor's office.
She is taken into an examining room and waits for the doctor. After arriving there, the doctor examines the baby, and finds him not gaining much weight and asks the woman, "Is he breast fed or on the bottle?" "Oh...he is breast fed!", replied the woman. "Well then, strip down to your waist," orders the doctor. She takes off her top and bra and sits on the examing table. The doc starts pressing, kneading and pinching both breasts for quite a while in a very detailed and thorough examination. The doc motions to her to get dressed, and then says, "No wonder this baby is so hungry. You don't have any milk!" The woman with a wry grin on her face responds... "Well of course I don't I'm his aunt - but I'm SURE GLAD I brought him in!"
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Topic:
A woman in labour
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A woman in the labour ward is screaming profanities at her husband. He says. "Hey don't blame me! I wanted to put it in your *** but you said, 'No! that hurts too much'"
OMG That is so funny
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I just want to thank all of you for your educational e-mails over the past year. I am totally messed up now and have little chance of recovery. I no longer open a public bathroom door without using a paper towel or have them put lemon slices in my ice water without worrying about the bacteria on the lemon peel. I can't use the remote in a hotel room because I don't know what the last person was doing while flipping through the adult movie channels. I can't sit down on the hotel bedspread because I can only imagine what has happened on it since it was last washed. I have trouble shaking hands with someone who has been driving because the number one pastime while driving alone is picking ones nose (although cell phone usage may be taking the number one spot). Eating a little snack sends me on a guilt trip because I can only imagine how many gallons of trans fats I have consumed over the years. I can't touch any woman's purse for fear she has placed it on the floor of a public bathroom. I MUST SEND MY SPECIAL THANKS to whoever sent me the one about poop in the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet sponge with every envelope that needs sealing. ALSO, now I have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason. I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl (Penny Brown) who is about to die in the hospital for the 1,387,258th time. I no longer have any money at all, but that will change once I receive the $15,000 that Bill Gates/Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in their special e-mail program. I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels looking out for me, and St. Theresa's Novena has granted my every wish. I no longer eat KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers. I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day. THANKS TO YOU I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward an e-mail to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes. BECAUSE OF YOUR CONCERN, I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains. I no longer can buy gasoline without taking someone along to watch the car so a serial killer won't crawl in my back seat when I'm pumping gas. I no longer drink Pepsi or Dr. Pepper since the people who make these products are atheists who refuse to put 'Under God' on their cans. I no longer use Saran Wrap in the microwave because it causes cancer. AND THANKS FOR LETTING ME KNOW I can't boil a cup of water in the microwave anymore because it will blow up in my face... disfiguring me for life. I no longer check the coin return on pay phones because I could be pricked with a needle infected with AIDS. I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me. I no longer receive packages from UPS or Fed Ex since they are actually Al Qaeda in disguise. I no longer shop at Target since they are French and don't support our troops or the Salvation Army. I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number for which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica , Uganda, Singapore, and Uzbekistan . I no longer buy expensive cookies from Neiman Marcus since I now have their recipe. AND THANKS TO YOUR GREAT ADVICE I can't ever pick up $5.00 dropped in the parking lot because it probably was placed there by a sex molester waiting underneath my car to grab my leg. I can no longer drive my car because I can't buy gas from certain gas companies! I can't do any gardening because I'm afraid I'll get bitten by the brown recluse and my hand will fall off.
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Topic:
Is It Fred???
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Topic:
No Sex Since 1955
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A crusty old Marine Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event hosted by a local liberal arts college. There was no shortage of extremely young idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Sergeant Major for conversation. 'Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man. Is something bothering you?' 'Negative, ma'am. Just serious by nature.' The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, 'It looks like you have seen a lot of action.' 'Yes, ma'am, a lot of action.' The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, 'You know, you should lighten up a little. Relax and enjoy yourself.' The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner. Finally the young lady said, 'You know, I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but when is the last time you had sex?' 1955, ma'am.' 'Well, there you are. You really need to chill out and quit taking everything so seriously! I mean, no sex since 1955!? ' She took his hand and led him to a private room where she proceeded to 'relax' him several times. Afterwards, panting for breath, she leaned against his bare chest and said, 'Wow, you sure didn't forget much since 1955.' The Sergeant Major, glancing at his watch, said in his serious voice, 'I hope not; it's only 2130 now!'
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Topic:
A Man And His Date
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cute lol
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Topic:
Whats Green with Wheels?
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What's green and eats nuts?
Syphylis
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Topic:
Two Garbage Bags
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A little old lady is walking down the street dragging two large plastic garbage bags behind her. One of the bags rips, and every once in a while a $20 bill falls out onto the sidewalk. Noticing this, a policeman stops her, and says, "Ma'am, there are $20 bills falling out of your bag." "Oh, really? Darn," says the little old lady. "I'd better go back, and see if I can find them. Thanks for telling me..." "Well, now, not so fast," says the cop. "How did you get all that money? You didn't steal it, did you?" "Oh, no,' says the little old lady. "You see, my back yard is right next to the football stadium parking lot. On game days, a lot of fans come and pee through the fence into my flower garden. So, I stand behind the fence with my hedge clippers. Each time some guy sticks his thing through the fence, I grab it and I say, '$20 or off it comes!'" "OK, that seems only fair," laughs the cop. "So, good luck. Oh, by the way, what's in the other bag?" "Well, you know", says the little old lady, "not everybody pays."
Just glad I don't go to football games.
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That was AWESOME
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Topic:
Why do women....
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Why don't men wear tight underwear .......? it cuts off circulation to the brain 
I don't wear tight underwear. 
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Topic:
The Gastronomical Bean Story
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Topic:
A Heavy Night Out
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A man went into a bar, and asked the man sitting at the bar if the stool adjacent to him was free. The man said that it was, and so he sat down. He offered to buy the man a drink, and he said, “You don’t need to buy me a drink just because I said the stool was free.” He replied, “No. I insist.” So the guy accepted. He then, bought a drink in return, and this went on for the remainder of the evening, until they were both extremely inebriated. The guy who came into the bar said, “I’m going to have to go now. I’ve got to work in the morning. Can I give you a lift?” The first guy slurred in reply, “Thanks that would be kind of you. I only live around the corner.” The second guy stood up and made his way to the door. On reaching the door, he turned around, to see the first guy lying in a heap on the floor. ‘Oh God,’ he thought to himself. ‘He can’t hold his drink” He went back, and helped him to the door, where he stood him against the wall while he opened the door. The first guy slid down the wall into a heap on the floor again. With his foot holding the door open, the second man picked the first guy up, and lurched into the car park to his car, where he leant his new found friend against the vehicle so he could reach his keys in his pocket. Once again, the first guy ended up in a heap on the ground. The second man managed to seat the first in the passenger seat, found out the address of where his friend lived, and drove him to the front door. He went around to the passenger door, which he opened, and managed to get his companion out of the car, and helped him to his front door. He stood the man against the porch, where once again, the guy slithered to the ground AGAIN. He thought to himself, ‘I’m not going to ring the bell, in case his wife blames me for getting him into such a state.’ The next morning, the second man woke up, lying on the porch, to find his wife standing over him. “Are you OK love?” She asked him. “No.” he replied. “I must have had one two many last night.” “One or two,” said his wife. “I’d say it was several too many. You’ve come home without your wheelchair!”
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Topic:
What to do with sheep
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http://link.brightcove.com/services/player/bcpid1137883380?bctid=17075685001
That's hilarious.
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