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Community > Posts By > harrypotter2
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Topic:
Buying Tampons
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Two young boys walk into a pharmacy one day and pick out a box of Tampons and proceed to the checkout counter. The man at the counter asks the older boy, "Son, how old are you?" "Eight," the boy replies. The man continues, "Do you know what these are used for?" "Not exactly," the boy says. "But they aren't for me. They're for him. He's my brother. He's four. We saw on TV that if you use these you would be able to swim and ride a bike. Right now he can't do either one."   
 
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Topic:
Yet ANOTHER Rope Gag.
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Topic:
A Boiled Egg Is Hard To Beat
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Topic:
The Ultimate dilemna
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A man who has a house, a truck payment, a wife, a girlfriend and they are all a month late. 
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Something to keep in mind when you're out there doing all that yard work. Garden Grass Snakes also known as Garter Snakes (Thamnophissirtalis) can be dangerous. Yes, grass snakes, not rattlesnakes. Here's why: A couple in Sweetwater, Texas, had a lot of potted plants. During a recent cold spell, the wife was bringing a lot of them indoors to protect them from a possible freeze. It turned out that a little green garden grass snake was hidden in one of the plants. When it had warmed up, it slithered out and the wife saw it go under the sofa. She let out a very loud scream. The husband (who was taking a shower) ran out into the living room naked to see what the problem was. She told him there was a snake under the sofa. He got down on the floor on his hands and knees to look for it. About that time the family dog came and cold-nosed him on the behind. He thought the snake had bitten him, so he screamed and fell over on the floor. His wife thought he had had a heart attack, so she covered him up, told him to lie still and called an ambulance. The attendants rushed in, would not listen to his protests, loaded him on the stretcher, and started carrying him out. About that time, the snake came out from under the sofa and the Emergency Medical Technician saw it and dropped his end of the stretcher. That's when the man broke his leg and why he is still in the hospital. The wife still had the problem of the snake in the house, so she called on a neighbour who volunteered to capture the snake. He armed himself with a rolled-up newspaper and began poking under the couch. Soon he decided it was gone and told the woman, who sat down on the sofa in relief. But while relaxing, her hand dangled in between the cushions, where she felt the snake wriggling around. She screamed and fainted, the snake rushed back under the sofa. The neighbour, seeing her lying there passed out, tried to use CPR to revive her. The neighbour's wife, who had just returned from shopping at the grocery store, saw her husband's mouth on the woman's mouth and slammed her husband in the back of the head with a bag of canned goods, knocking him out and cutting his scalp to a point where it needed stitches. The noise woke the woman from her dead faint and she saw her neighbour lying on the floor with his wife bending over him, so she assumed that the snake had bitten him. She went to the kitchen and got a small bottle of whiskey, and began pouring it down the man's throat. By now, the police had arrived. ***** Ok Breathe here ***** They saw the unconscious man, smelled the whiskey, and assumed that a drunken fight had occurred. They were about to arrest them all, when the women tried to explain how it all happened over a little green snake. The police called an ambulance, which took away the neighbour and his sobbing wife. Now, the little snake again crawled out from under the sofa and one of the policemen drew his gun and fired at it. He missed the snake and hit the leg of the end table. The table fell over, the lamp on it shattered and, as the bulb broke, it started a fire in the drapes. The other policeman tried to beat out the flames, and fell through the window into the yard on top of the family dog who, startled, jumped out and raced into the street, where an oncoming car swerved to avoid it and smashed into the parked police car. Meanwhile, neighbours saw the burning drapes and called in the fire department. The firemen had started raising the fire ladder when they were halfway down the street. The rising ladder tore out the overhead wires, put out the power, and disconnected the telephones in a ten-square city block area (but they did get the house fire out). Time passed! Both men were discharged from the hospital, the house was repaired, the dog came home, the police acquired a new car and all was right with their world. A while later they were watching TV and the weatherman announced a cold snap for that night. The wife asked her husband if he thought they should bring in their plants for the night? And that's when he shot her.
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Topic:
Prince Charles
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Prince Charles was opening a Plastics Factory in Middlesbrough in the North East of the UK, and one of the reporters noticed that he was wearing a Fox skin hat. He said to the Prince. “Excuse me Sir, but why are you wearing a Fox skin hat?” Charles replied, “Well, it was Mothers idea really. She said to me. ‘What are your duties today dear?’ “And I replied. I’m opening a Plastics factory in Middlesbrough.” ‘She said’, “Middlesbrough. Wear the Fox hat.” Come on...... Think about it. 
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Topic:
The Hotel Bill
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Topic:
The Vet and the Püssycat
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Topic:
As 2010 Nears its' End
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Topic:
The Farmhand, and the Pig
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A farmhand is drving around the farm, checking the fences. He radios his boss. "I got a problem. I hit a pig on the road and he is stuck on the bull bars of my truck. He's wriggling what should I do?" "In the back of your truck, there's a shotgun. Shoot the pig in the head and when it stops wriggling you can pull it of and throw it in the bush." Instructs his boss The farm worker says "Ok." and signs off. About ten minutes later. He radios back again. "I did what you said I shot the pig, and dragged it out and threw it in the bush." "So what's the problem now?" His boss snapped. "The blue lights on his motorcycle are still flashing!"
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Topic:
ADS
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Topic:
Two Prawns and Cod
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One day, in the shark-infested waters of the Caribbean, two prawns called Justin and Christian are discussing the pressures of being a preyed upon prawn. "I hate being a prawn," says Justin. "I wish I were a shark." Suddenly, a mysterious cod appears. "Your wish is granted," he says. Instantly, Justin becomes a shark. Horrified, Christian swims away, afraid his former friend might eat him. As time passes, Christian continues to avoid Justin, leaving the shrimp-turned-maneater lonely and frustrated. So when he bumps into the cod again, he begs the mysterious fish to change him back. Lo and behold, Justin is turned back into a prawn. With tears of joy in his tiny little eyes, he swims back to the reef to seek out Christian. As he approaches, he shouts out: "It's me, Justin, your old friend. I've changed & I've found Cod..... Wait for it. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Ready?. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . I'm a prawn again, Christian."
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Topic:
BEST Christmas Gift EVER
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Topic:
Merry Christmas. Enjoy. lol
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A salesman checked into a futuristic hotel. Realizing he needed a haircut before the next day's meeting, he called the desk clerk to ask if there was a barber on the premises. "I'm afraid not, sir," the clerk told him apologetically, "but down the hall from your room is a vending machine that should serve your purposes." Sceptical but intrigued, the salesman located the machine, inserted $15.00, and stuck his head into the opening, at which time the machine started to buzz and whirl. Fifteen seconds later the salesman pulled out his head and surveyed his reflection, which showed the best haircut of his life. Two feet away was another machine with a sign that read, 'Manicures, $20.00.' "Why not?" thought the salesman. He paid the money, inserted his hands into the slot, and the machine started to buzz and whirl. Fifteen seconds later he pulled out his hands and they were perfectly manicured. The next machine had a sign that read, 'This Machine Provides a Service Men Need When Away from Their Wives, 50 cents.' The salesman looked both ways, put fifty cents in the machine, unzipped his fly, and with some anticipation, stuck his manhood into the opening. When the machine started buzzing, the guy let out a shriek of agony and almost passed out. Fifteen seconds later it shut off. With trembling hands, the salesman was able to withdraw his tender unit..... which now had a button sewn on the end.
OUCH!!!!!!
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Topic:
The Pastor's Parrot
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Topic:
STAY OF EXECUTION
Edited by
harrypotter2
on
Sun 11/14/10 10:25 AM
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An attorney got home late one evening, after a very taxing day trying to get a stay of execution for a client, James Wright, who was due to be hanged at midnight. His last-minute plea for clemency to the governor had failed, and he was feeling worn out and depressed. As soon as he got through the door at home, his wife started on him about, "What time of night do you call this? Where have you been?" And on and on. Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he poured himself a shot of whiskey and headed off for a long, hot soak in the bathtub, still pursued by the predictable sarcastic remarks. While he was in the bath, the phone rang. The wife answered it, and was told that her husband's client had been granted his stay of execution after all. Wright would not be hanged tonight. Finally realizing what a trying day her husband must have had, she decided to go upstairs to give him the good news. As she opened the bathroom door, she was greeted by the sight of her husband's rear end as he was bent over naked, drying his legs and feet. "They're not hanging Wright tonight," she said. He whirled around and screamed, "FOR CRYING OUT LOUD, WOMAN, DON'T YOU EVER STOP?"
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Topic:
Damned Keyboard
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