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Community > Posts By > harrypotter2
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Three old men, 75, 85, 95 years old were sitting on a park bench. The 75 year old says he would like to die in a car crash! The 85 year old thought that would be ok, but a plane crash would be more spectacular! The 95 year old just sat and smiled. "Well, how would you like to go," the others asked? "Shot by a jealous husband!!" 
 
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Topic:
Grandad in the Nursing Home
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Grandad is becoming a bit of a burden on his kids, so they decide it would be better for him to go into a retirement home, and as they weren't short of money, ensured that the home was an exclusive one. He pleads with them not to send him there, as there is no one he knows there and he'll miss his family. The eldest son says, "Dad. Why don't you just give it a try? If you REALLY don't like it, we'll bring you home. After all, it's the best money can get." Reluctantly, dad agrees. After his first evening in the home, he is woken up by the sound of a pretty young nurse entering his room. "Good morning" he says. She comes over to his bedside and notices a stirring underneath the sheets. She smiles to him. "Ohhh. I see you ARE awake." Grandad is a little embarrassed and apologises. "No need to apologise. We'll soon cure that!" And with that, she pulls the sheets down and gives the old guy the best blowjob he had ever had in his entire life. As soon as she had left the room, he's on the phone to his son. "It's wonderful here." He exclaims, And tells him about his getting the blowjob. A short time later, he's walking to the bathroom with his walking frame, when he stumbles, and falls forward. A male nurse rushes up to him, whips up his nightshirt, and proceeds to give him one. Back in his room, he calls his son once again. He relates to him what has happened, and shouts, "Get me out of here son. I want to come home!" His son says, "But dad, you were so happy earlier on after the nurse gave you the blowjob?" "Yeah, but I've weighed up the pro's and con's. I get a hard on once a week. I fall over 6 times a day!"
 
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Topic:
Nurse Jenny
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Two doctors were in a hospital hallway one day complaining about Nurse Jenny. "She's incredibly dumb. She does everything absolutely backwards." said one doctor. "Just last week, I told her to give a patient 2 milligrams of Percocet every 10 hours. She gave him 10 milligrams every 2 hours. He nearly died on us!" The second doctor said, "That's nothing. Earlier this week, I told her to give a patient an enema every 24 hours. She tried to give him 24 enemas in one hour! The guy nearly exploded!" Suddenly, they hear this blood-curdling scream from down the hall. "OH MY GOD!" said the first doctor, "I just realized I told Nurse Jenny to prick Mr. Smith's boil!"
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Topic:
Life or Death
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A police officer pulls a man over for speeding. As the officer approaches the car he can see that the man is very anxious about something. "Good afternoon Sir. Do you know why I stopped you?" "Yes, officer... I know I was speeding -- but it is a matter of life or death." "Oh, really? How's that?" "There's a naked woman waiting for me at home." "I don't see how that is a matter of life or death." "If I don't get home before my wife does, I'm a dead man."
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Topic:
Two Lips and Seven Kisses.
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There was this old woman who heard a song called "Two Lips and Seven Kisses." She called up information after hearing the song on the radio to get the name of the record company. In dialing, she erroneously called up a gas station, and she asks, "Do you have "Two Lips and Seven Kisses?" The gas station attendant who answered the phone said, "No, but I have two nuts and seven inches!" So the woman asked, "Is this a record?" To which the man replied, "No, its average!"
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Topic:
Bad Doggy Bad Doggy.
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Topic:
The girl at the bar...
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lmao
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Topic:
Government Health Care
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Topic:
7 Kinds of Sex
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Topic:
She Hates Needles
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Topic:
Just ONE Wish
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Two Irish guys are fishing. The first guy reels in his line and sees that he's snagged an old bottle. As he's taking it off the hook, a genie pops out and promises to grant him one wish. "Turn the lake into beer," he says. The genie goes "Poof!" and the lake turns into beer. He says to the other guy, "So what do you think?" The other guy says, "You jerk. Now we've got to piss in the boat."
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Topic:
I Have Lots of Sex
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Sid and Irv are business partners. They make a deal that whichever one dies first will contact the living one from the afterlife. So Irv dies. Sid doesn't hear from him for about a year, figures there is no afterlife. Then one day he gets a call. It's Irv. "So there is an afterlife! What's it like?" Sid asks. 'Well, I sleep very late. I get up, have a big breakfast. Then I have sex, lots of sex. Then I go back sleep, but I get up for lunch, have a big lunch. Have some more sex. Take a nap. Huge dinner. More sex. Go to sleep, and wake up the next day." "Oh, my god," says Sid "So that's what heaven is like?" "Oh no," says Irv. "I'm not in heaven. I'm a bear in Yellowstone Park."
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Topic:
The Booming Voice
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Saul is working in his store when he hears a booming voice from above: "Saul, sell your business." He ignores it. It goes on for days. "Saul, sell your business for $3 million." After weeks of this, he relents, sells his store. The voice says ‘Saul, go to Las Vegas." He asks why. "Saul, take the $3 million to Las Vegas." He obeys, goes to a casino. The voice says, "Saul , go to the blackjack table and put it down all on one hand." He hesitates but knows he must. He’s dealt an 18. The dealer has a six showing. "Saul, take a card." What? The dealer has -- "Take a card!" He tells the dealer to hit him. Saul gets an ace. Nineteen. He breathes easy. "Saul, take another card." 'What?' "TAKE ANOTHER CARD!" He asks for another card. It’s another ace. He has twenty. "Saul, take another card," the voice commands. I have twenty! Saul shouts. "TAKE ANOTHER CARD!!" booms the voice. 'Hit me,' Saul says. He gets another ace. Twenty one. The booming voice goes: "Un-fücking-believable!"
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Topic:
The Lion and the Gorilla
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A gorilla is walking through the jungle, when it comes to a water hole, where a lion is having a drink. The gorilla notices that the lions’ rear end is sticking up in the air, and, overcome by lust, the gorilla sneaks up on the unsuspecting lion, and has his wicked way. When he finishes, he pushes the shocked lion into the water, and runs into the jungle. He comes into a clearing, where a man wearing a pith helmet, sitting in a deckchair, reading a newspaper. On seeing the gorilla, the man jumps up, throws the newspaper to the floor and knocking the deckchair over, runs panic stricken into the jungle. In the haste of his flight the pith helmet falls off and lands on the jungle floor, whereupon the gorilla puts the deckchair up, dons the pith helmet, sits down in the deckchair, and snatches up the newspaper. At this precise moment, the enraged lion runs into the clearing and says, “Have you seen a gorilla?” The gorilla, his face hidden behind the newspaper says, “You don’t mean the one who screwed the lion down by the waterhole?” And the astonished lion blurted out. “HOLY CRAP!!! It’s not in the paper already is it???”
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http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=J5z4Vs26-TI
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Your mutual friends start ignoring you. (True) Her friends verbally assault you every chance they get. Crying realatives are throwing soil over your closed grave! (Too dark? I appologise) You ask for sex, and she says she doesn't want to mess up her hair She starts wearing sexy underwear that you haven't seen in three years. (seriously fellas, it ain't for you, it's for your ex-best friend. (Sooo That's what it was)
The fat lady gets up and sings
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Topic:
Currency Rate Change
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