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Community > Posts By > harrypotter2
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Topic:
The Jar in the Bar
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A guy walks into a bar and notices a very large jar on the counter and sees it's filled to the brim with $10 bills. The man guesses there must be thousands of dollars in it. He approaches the bartender and asks, "What's up with the jar?" "Well, here's the deal. You pay 10 dollars, and if you pass three tests, you get all the money." The man certainly isn't going to pass this up, so he asks, "What are the three tests?" "Pay first," says the bartender. "Those are the rules." So, the customer puts $10 into the jar. "OK," the bartender says, "Here's what you need to do. First, you have to drink an entire gallon of pepper tequila. The whole thing, all at once, and you can't make a face. Second, there's a pit bull chained up out back with a sore tooth. You have to remove the tooth with your bare hands. Third, there's a 90-year-old woman upstairs who has never reached orgasm during intercourse. You've got to make things right for her." The man is stunned. "I know I paid my 10 bucks, but I'm not an idiot. I won't do it. You have to be nuts to drink a gallon of pepper tequila, and then do those other things!" "Your call," says the bartender, "but your money stays where it is." The man has a few drinks, then a few more, then finally asks, "Wherrre's zaat tequil-l-la?" He grabs the gallon with both hands and downs it with a big slurp. Tears are streaming down both cheeks, but he doesn't make a face. Next, he staggers out back where the pit bull is chained up. The people inside the bar hear a commotion, then they hear the pit bull barking, and the guy screaming, then the pit bull yelping, and then silence. Just when they think the man must be dead, he staggers back into the bar. His shirt is ripped, and he has large, bloody scratches from head to toe. "Now," he says, "Where'sh the old woman with the shore tooth?"   
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Topic:
FORUM C-NILE VIRUS
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I thought you would want to know about this forum virus. Even the most advanced programs from Norton or McAfee cannot take care of this one. It appears to affect those who were born prior to 1960. Symptoms: 1. Causes you to post the same topic twice. Done that!
2. Causes you to post a blank topic! That too!
3. Causes you to post in the wrong forum. Yep!
4. Causes you to post it to yourself, so you don't forget that you already posted it before. DUH!
5. Causes you to forget to attach attachments. Well well!
6. Causes you to hit "SEND" before you've finished. Oh no - not again!
7. Causes you to hit "Edit" instead of "POST." And I just hate that!
8. Causes you to hit "POST" when you should "DELETE." Oh No!
IT IS CALLED THE "C-NILE VIRUS." Hmmm....Have I already posted this?
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Topic:
Jewish Parrot
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Topic:
As I Mature
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Topic:
Missing Mother-In-Law
Edited by
harrypotter2
on
Thu 10/29/09 05:23 AM
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While vacationing in Hawaii, Frank, along with his wife and his Mother-In-Law, who had always manipulated everything in her daughters relationship, went missing one evening. Frank, reluctantly informed the Police, but after three days, there was no sign of her to be found. Frank and his wife returned home with a promise from the Police chief that he would be informed of any developments. Three days after their return, the phone rang. Frank answered and a voice said, "Hello Mr Johnson, this is the Hawaii coastguard. I'm sorry to have to inform you thatg we have found your Mother-In-Laws body floating in the ocean this morning." Frank replied. "Oh. I....." The coastguard cut in and said. "I'm sorry to have to jnform you that when we found her in the ocean, there were six lobsters hanging from her body. The police chief asked me action you wanted us to take?" Frank thought for a couple of seconds and said, "Well. You have two lobsters, give two to the chief, send two to me, and set her again!" 
OMFG!!!   
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Topic:
Ancient Chinese Torture
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A young man was lost wandering in a forest, when he came upon a small house. He knocked on the door and was greeted by an ancient Chinese man with a long, grey beard. "I'm lost," said the man. "Can you put me up for the night?" "Certainly," the Chinese man said, "but on one condition. If you so much as lay a finger on my daughter, I will inflict upon you the three worst Chinese tortures known to man." "Ok," said the man, thinking that the daughter must be pretty old as well, and entered the house. Before dinner, the daughter came down the stairs. She was young,beautiful, and had a fantastic figure. She was obviously attracted to the young man since she couldn't keep her eyes off him during the meal. Remembering the old man's warning, he ignored her and went up to bed alone. But during he night, he could bear it no longer, and sneaked into her room for a night of passion. He was careful to keep everything quiet so the old man wouldn't hear. Near dawn he crept back to his room, exhausted, but happy. He woke to feel a pressure on his chest. Opening his eyes he saw a large rock on his chest with a note on it that read, "Chinese Torture 1: Large rock on chest." "Well, that's pretty crappy," he thought. "If that's the best the old man can do then I don't have much to worry about." He picked the boulder up, walked over to the window and threw the boulder out. As he did so he noticed another note on it that read: "Chinese Torture 2: Rock tied to left testicle." In a panic he glanced down and saw the rope that was already getting close to the end. Figuring that a few broken bones was better than castration, he jumped out of the window after the boulder. As he plummeted downward he saw a large sign on the ground that read, "Chinese Torture 3: Right testicle tied to bedpost."
OUCH!!!! My eyes are watering at the mere thought.
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Topic:
Spanish Lessons
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Subject: Spanish lessons 1. *Cheese* The teacher told Pepito to use the word cheese in a sentence. Pepito replies: Maria likes me, but cheese ugly. 2. *Mushroom* When all my family get in the car, there's not mushroom. 3. *Shoulder* My fren wanted 2 become a citizen but she didn't know how to read so I shoulder. 4. * Texas * My fren always Texas me when I'm not home wondering where I'm at! 5. *Herpes* Me and my fren ordered pizza. I got mine piece and she got herpes. 6. *July* Ju told me ju were going to tha store and July to me! Julyer! 7. *Rectum* I had 2 cars but my wife rectum! 8. *Chicken* I was going to go to the store with my wife but chicken go herself. 9. *Wheelchair* We only have one enchilada left, but don't worry wheelchair 10. *Chicken* *wing* My wife plays the lottery so chicken wing. 11. *Harassment* My wife caught me in bed with another women and I told her honey harassment nothing to me. 12. *Bishop* My wife fell down the stair so I had to pick the bishop. 13. *Body wash* I want to go to the club but no body wash my kids. 14. *Budweiser* That women over there has a nice body, budweiser face so ugly?
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Topic:
HAVING MOM OVER FOR DINNER
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Topic:
Smoking Dope or Doing Time
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Two young guys were picked up by the cops for smoking dope and appeared in court on Friday before the judge. The judge said, "You seem like nice young men, and I'd like to give you a second chance rather than jail time. I want you to go out this weekend and try to show others the evils of drug use and get them to give up drugs forever. I'll see you back in court Monday." Monday, the two guys were in court, and the judge asked the first one, "How did you do over the weekend?" "Well, your honour," he replied, "I persuaded 17 people to give up drugs forever." "17 people? That's wonderful. What did you tell them?" "I used a diagram, your honour. I drew two circles and told them the big circle is your brain before drugs, and the small circle is your brain after drugs." "That's admirable," said the judge. "And you, how did you do?" he asked the second boy. "Well, your honour, I persuaded 156 people to give up drugs forever." "156 people! That's amazing! How did you manage to do that?" "Well, I used a similar approach," he answered. "I drew a large and a small circle. Pointing to the small circle, I said, this is your butthole before you go to prison..........."
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Topic:
Castawy
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The ship was in the middle of a violent storm when it sank. He was the lone survivor. He swam towards a distant beach. When he arrived there, he crawled up on the shore to rest and count his blessings; that's when he saw the first one. A pecan pie. He then saw a banana split, a cup of vanilla gelatin, chocolate chip cookies, caramel apples and yellow cake. Suddenly. it dawned on him......... he was on a desserted island.
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Topic:
Doomed Date
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Jeff walks into a bar and sees his friend Paul slumped over the bar. He walks over and asks Paul what`s wrong. "Well," replies Paul, "you know that beautiful girl at work that I wanted to ask out, but I got an erection every time I saw her?" "Yes," replies Jeff with a laugh. "Well," says Paul, straightening up, "I finally plucked up the courage to ask her out, and she agreed." "That`s great!" says Jeff, "When are you going out?" "I went to meet her this evening," continues Paul, "but I was worried I`d get an erection again. So I got some duct tape and taped my penis to my leg, so if I did, it wouldn`t show." "Sensible" says Jeff. "So I get to her door," says Paul, "and I rang her doorbell. She answered it in the sheerest, tiniest dress you ever saw." "And what happened then?" (Paul slumps back over the bar again.) "I kicked her in the face."
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Topic:
Caloric Expenditure
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It has been known for many years that sex is good exercise, but until recently nobody had made a scientific study of the caloric expenditure of different sexual activities. Now after original and proprietary research they are proud to present the results. REMOVING HER CLOTHES: With her consent..... ......... ......... 12 Calories Without her consent..... ......... ...... 387 Calories OPENING HER BRA: With both hands....... ......... ........ 8 Calories With one hand........ ......... ......... 22 Calories With your teeth....... ......... ........ 85 Calories PUTTING ON A CONDOM: With an erection.... ......... ......... ... 6 Calories Without an erection.... ......... ....... 315 Calories PRELIMINARIES: Trying to find the clitoris.... ......... .. 8 Calories Trying to find the G-Spot...... ........ 192 Calories POSITIONS: Missionary.. ......... ......... ......... .. 112 Calories 69 lying down........ ......... ......... . 178 Calories 69 standing up.......... ......... ...... 312 Calories Wheelbarrow. ......... ......... ......... 386 Calories Doggy Style....... ......... ......... .... 400 Calories Italian chandelier.. ......... ......... . 972 Calories ORGASM Real........ ......... ......... ......... 112 Calories Fake........ ......... ......... ......... 315 Calories POST ORGASM: Lying in bed hugging..... ......... ....... 18 Calories Getting up immediately. ......... ....... 36 Calories Explaining why you got out of bed immediately. .....816 Calories GETTING A SECOND ERECTION: If you are: 20-29 years old......... ......... ...... 36 Calories 30-39 years....... ......... ......... .... 80 Calories 40-49 years....... ......... ......... .... 124 Calories 50-59 years....... ......... ......... .... 972 Calories 60-69 years....... ......... ......... .... 2916 Calories 70 and over........ ......... ......... .. Results are still pending DRESSING UP AFTERWARDS: Calmly...... ......... ......... ......... 32 Calories In a hurry....... ......... ......... .... 98 Calories With her father knocking at the door... 1218 Calories With your wife knocking at the door.... 3521 Calories So NOW ya know.
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Topic:
The New Girlfriend
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Geat post. Now every black letter on the screen looks green to me. Try wearing tinted sunglasses. then you'll REALLY be screwed.
By the way folks. If this was any help to you please return and bump it up.   
Bump.
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Topic:
Two Blonde women
Edited by
harrypotter2
on
Fri 10/23/09 10:56 AM
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Blonde #1 is sitting in the middle of a huge field in a rowboat. Blonde #2 walks by and hollers, Hey! What the hell are you doin? Blonde #1 says what's it look like I'm rowing in the middle of this big brown ocean. Blonde #2 yells, It's blondes like you that give blondes like me a bad name and if I could swim I'd come out there and beat your as s.
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Morris returns from the doctor and tells his wife that the Doctor has told him that he has only 24 hours to live. Given the prognosis, Morris asks his wife for sex. Naturally, she agrees, so they make love. About 6 hours later, the husband goes to his wife and says, 'Honey, you know I now have only 18 hours to live. Could we please do it one more time?' Of course, the wife agrees, and they do it again. Later, as the man gets into bed, he looks at his watch and realizes that he now has only 8 hours left. He touches his wife's shoulder and asks, 'Honey, please... Just one more time before I die.' She says, 'Of course, Dear,' And they make love for the third time. After this session, the wife rolls over and falls to sleep. Morris, however, worried about his impending death, tosses and turns, until he's down to 4 more hours. He taps his wife, who rouses. 'Honey, I have only 4 more hours...do you think we could...' At this point the wife sits up and says, 'Listen Morris. Enough is enough I have to get up in the morning... You don't!'
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Topic:
France. Yeah Right
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A man in France was arrested today for using his car to run down a pedestrian. He said he thought it was Osama bin Laden. Ok, it was a mistake, but it still ranks as France's biggest military victory ever....
Oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooh
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Topic:
Just Call Me Fred
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A cop stops a Harley for traveling faster than the posted speed limit, so he asks the biker his name. 'Fred,' he replies. 'Fred what?' the officer asks. 'Just Fred,' the man responds. The officer is in a good mood and thinks he might just give the biker a break and, write him out a warning instead of a ticket. The officer then presses him for the last name. The man tells him that he used to have a last name but lost it. The officer thinks that he has a nut case on his hands but plays along with it. 'Tell me, Fred, how did you lose your last name?' The biker replies, 'It's a long story, so stay with me.. I was born Fred Dingaling. I know. I know, a funny last name. The kids used to tease me all the time, so I stayed to myself, studied hard and got good grades. When I got older, I realized that I wanted to be a doctor. I went through college, medical school, internship, residency, and finally got my degree, so I was Fred Dingaling, M.D. After a while I got bored being a doctor, so I decided to go back to school. Dentistry was my dream! Got all the way through school, got my degree, so then I was Fred Dingaling, MD, DDS. Got bored doing dentistry, so I started fooling around with my Assistant and she gave me VD, so now I was Fred Dingaling, MD, DDS, with VD. When the ADA found out about the VD, they took away my DDS, the AMA took away my MD, and the VD took away my Dingaling... . So now I am just Fred!' The officer was crying with laughter and just walked away.
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Topic:
The Penis Survey
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The American Government funded a survey to see why the head of a man's penis was larger than the shaft. After 1 year and $180,000, they concluded that the reason that the head was larger than the shaft was to give the man more pleasure during sex. After the US published the study, the French Government decided to do their own study. After $250,000 and 3 years of research, they concluded that the reason the head was larger than the shaft was to give the woman more pleasure during sex. Canadians, unsatisfied with these findings, conducted their own study... After 2 weeks and a cost of around $75.46, and 2 cases of beer, they concluded that it was to keep a man's hand from flying off and hitting himself in the forehead.
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Topic:
Soiled Bed Sheets
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