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Community > Posts By > harrypotter2
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Topic:
My New Doctor
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Recently, I'd been experiencing a urinary tract problem. As I'd never been to a urologist before, I asked my family doctor to recommend one. I went to the office on the appointed day, and met my new urologist...a knockout, stunningly beautiful lady. Hot...blazing hot...Absolutely blindingly SEXY I had already changed into a hospital gown, so she pulled it back, took a look and said "I think you should stop masturbating". I asked her why. She said "So I can examine you!!" 
 
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Topic:
Warm Welcome
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Every night after dinner, Harry took off for the local watering hole. He would spend the whole evening there and always arrive home, well inebriated, around midnight each night. He usually had trouble getting his key to fit the keyhole and couldn't get the door open. And, every time this happened, his wife would go to the door and let him in. Then, she would proceed to yell and scream at him for his constant nights out and coming home in a drunken state. But, Harry still continued his nightly routine. One day, the distraught wife was talking to a friend about her husband's behavior. The friend listened and suggested, "Why don't you treat him a little differently when he comes home? Instead of berating him, why don't you give him some loving words and welcome him home with a kiss? Then, he might change his ways." The wife thought that this might be a good idea. That night, Harry took off again after dinner. And, at about midnight, he arrived home in his usual condition. His wife heard him at the door. She quickly opened it and let Harry in. Instead of berating him as she had always done, this time she took his arm and led him into the living room. She sat Harry down in an easy chair, put his feet up on the foot stool, and took his shoes off. Then, she went behind him and started to cuddle him a little. After a short while, she whispered to Harry, "It's pretty late, dear. I think we should go upstairs to bed now, don't you think?" Harry replied in his inebriated state, "Heck, I guess we might as well. I'll get in trouble when I get home anyway!"
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Topic:
Intolerable
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Topic:
What's wrong, Honey?
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A young couple, married just a couple of weeks, returns from their honeymoon to face the beginning of their new lives. The next morning the husband wakes up, showers, dresses and makes his way to the kitchen where he sees his new wife crying. So the husband inquires, "What's wrong, Honey?" "Well, I came down here this morning to surprise you with a big breakfast, but I can't cook or clean." The husband smiles his biggest smile and says, "There, there sweetie! I don't care that you can't cook and clean. Come on up to the bedroom and I'll show you what I'd like for breakfast." So off they went to the bedroom. That afternoon, the husband comes home for lunch to find his new wife crying again in the kitchen. "What's wrong now, Sweetie?" "Well, the same thing as this morning. I came in here to make you something for lunch and I just can't cook." Again the husband smiles and says, "Why don't you come back up to the bedroom and I'll have my lunch there!" So off they went to the bedroom again. That evening the new husband comes home, walks in the house and sees his new bride naked sliding down the banister of the stairs. Up she runs, and WHOOSH down the banister. After the third trip the husband asks, "What are you doing, Honey?" "Warming up your supper!" she replies.
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Topic:
Chinese VD Doctor
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While in Beijing, an American man is very sexually promiscuous and does Not use a condom. A week after arriving back home in the States, he wakes one morning to find his best friend covered with bright green and purple spots. Horrified, he immediately goes to see a doctor. The doctor, never having seen anything like this before, orders some tests and tells the man to return in two days for the results. The man returns a couple of days later and the doctor says: 'I've got bad news for you. You've contracted Mongolian VD. It's very rare and almost unheard of here. We know very little about it.' The man looks a little perplexed and says: 'Well, give me a shot or something and fix me up, Doc.' The doctor answers: 'I'm sorry, there's no known cure. We're going to have to amputate your penis.' The man screams in horror, 'Absolutely not! I want a second opinion.' The doctor replies: 'Well, it's your choice. Go ahead if you want but surgery is your only choice.' The next day the man seeks out a Chinese doctor figuring that he'll know more about the disease. The Chinese doctor examines his penis and proclaims: 'Ah, yes, Mongolian VD. Vely rare disease.' The guy says to the doctor: 'Yeah, yeah, I already know that, but what can we do? My American doctor wants to operate and amputate my penis!' The Chinese doctor shakes his head and laughs: ' Stupid Amelican docta, always want to opelate. Make more money that way. No need to opelate!' 'Oh, Thank God!' the man replies. 'Yes,' says the Chinese doctor, 'You no wolly! Wait two weeks. Faw off by itself!'
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Topic:
A REDNECK LOVE POEM
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Topic:
The Painter
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Topic:
Toilet Humour
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SPLASHDOWN!!!!!
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Topic:
Chocolate Cake
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Loosen up Judd. A jokes a joke.
There's a lot worse going on in the world. 
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Topic:
Once Upon a Time
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If you pay attention to the first two judges, the reaction of the third judge is even better!For those of you who have lived in Texas, you know how true this is. They actually have a Chili Cook-off about the time the Rodeo comes to town. It; takes up a major portion of the parking lot at the Astrodome. The notes are from an inexperienced Chili taster named Frank, who was visiting Texas from the East Coast: Frank: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off. The Judge #3 called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking for directions to the Budweiser truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted. "Here are the scorecards from the event: Chili # 1 (Mike's Maniac Mobster Chili) Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick. Judge # 2 -- Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild. Judge # 3 -- (Frank) Holy chit, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy. Chili # 2 (Arthur's Afterburner Chili) Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang. Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously. Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face. Chili # 3 (Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili) Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick. Needs more beans. Judge # 2 -- A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of peppers. Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone; is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting chit-faced from all of the beer. Chili # 4 (Bubba's Black Magic) Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing. Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili. Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the barmaid, was standing behind me with freshrefills. That 300-lb. b*tch is starting to look HOT... just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chili an aphrodisiac? Chili # 5 (Linda's Legal Lip Remover) Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive. Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement. Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off. It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw those rednecks. Chili # 6 (Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety) Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spices and peppers. Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb. Judge #3-- I chit myself when I farted and I'm worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that slut Sally. She must be kinkier than I thought. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my azz with a snow cone. Chili # 7 (Susan's Screaming Sensation Chili) Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers. Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. I should take note that ;I am worried about. Judge #3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably. Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are; full of lava-like chit to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing, it's too painful. Screw it; I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach. Chili # 8 (Tommy's Toe-Nail Curling Chili) Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence. Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge # 3 passed out fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor dude, wonder how he'd have reacted to really hot chili?
OMFG!!!
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Topic:
PLEASE ACKNOWLEDGE!!!
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This is A TRUE STORY ...... My name is Chris, I am three, My eyes are swollen. I cannot see. I must be stupid, I must be bad, What else could have made, My daddy so mad? I wish I were better, I wish I weren't ugly, Then maybe my mommy, Would still want to hug me. I can't do a wrong, I can't speak at all, Or else I'm locked up, All day long. When I'm awake, I'm all alone, The house is dark, My folks aren't home. When my mommy does come home, I'll try and be nice, So maybe I'll just get, One whipping tonight. I just heard a car, My daddy is back, From Charlie's bar I hear him curse, My name is called, I press myself, Against the wall. I try to hide, From his evil eyes, I'm so afraid now, I'm starting to cry. He finds me weeping, Calls me ugly words, He says its my fault, He suffers at work. He slaps and hits me, And yells at me more, I finally get free, And run to the door. He's already locked it, And I start to bawl, He takes me and throws me, Against the hard wall. I fall to the floor, With my bones nearly broken, And my daddy continues, With more bad words spoken. 'I'm sorry!', I scream, But it's now much to late, His face has been twisted, Into a unimaginable shape. The hurt and the pain, Again and again, O please God, have mercy! O please let it end! And he finally stops, And heads for the door, While I lay there motionless, Sprawled on the floor. My name is Chris, I am three, Tonight my daddy, Murdered me. And you can help, Sickens me to the soul, If you read this, and don't pass it on. I pray for your forgiveness, You would have to be, One heartless person, Not to be affected, By this Poem. And because you ARE affected, Do something about it! So all I ask you to do, Is post here IF YOU ARE AGAINST CHILD ABUSE!  
The children are our future. We ought to ensure that things like this are eradicated from society forever.
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1. People who point at their wrist while asking for the time.... I know where my watch is pal, where the hell is yours? Do I point at my crotch when I ask where the toilet is? 
2 People who are willing to get off their fat butts to search the entire room for the T.V. remote because they refuse to walk to the T.V. and change the channel manually. 
3 When people say 'Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too'. Damn right! What good is cake if you can't eat it? 
4 When people say 'it's always the last place you look'. Of course it is. Why the hell would you keep looking after you've found it? Do people do this? Who and where are they? 
5 When people say while watching a film 'did you see that?'. No Loser, I paid $12 to come to the cinema and stare at the damn floor. 
6 People who ask 'Can I ask you a question?'.... Didn't really give me a choice there, did ya sunshine? 
7. When something is 'new and improved!'. Which is it? If it's new, then there has never been anything before it. If it's an improvement, then there must have been something before it, couldn't be new. 
8 When people say 'life is short'. What the hell?? Life is the longest damn thing anyone ever does!! What can you do that's longer? 
9 When you are waiting for the bus and someone asks 'Has the bus come yet?'. If the bus came would I be standing here, dumbass? 
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