I'm going to scream bloody murder,
until my vocal chords break.
I am hoping to be rendered mute,
for my friends and lover's sakes.
Ripping out hair from the head,
screaming has a force unseen.
Blood will spatter the walls,
and I can't help but wonder what this means.
Have I finally broken,
down into a miserable pile?
Is this just the beginning,
of the last of my smiles?
A shriek calling up to the heavens,
heard not by ears but by souls.
Has God or the Devil won?
When I die I'm sure I'll be told.
It's all built up into the beautiful disaster,
that was destined to happen in time.
I scream until I have no breath,
until I collapse next in line.
Heat slaps my face,
but still I cannot stop.
Is my throat bleeding yet?
When will I suddenly drop?
Only a second of silence,
then is drowned out by my sound.
I looked in myself,
and I'm terrified of what I've found.
A mindless game for mindless players.
Setting us up in the end for a fall.
The broken weep,
but they shall all hear my call.
There, it's happened!
Suddenly the world has gone soft.
With the sound of nothing,
the breeze and world aloft.
I am panting, and I am shaking.
The cold taste of copper on my tongue.
The burning of my eyes and throat.
And the pain in my lungs.
Can I do it again?
A note of unending pain.
Breathe in, breate out.
Have I gone sane?
But then again I begin,
my scream ringing out.
I don't want to sing,
and I don't want to shout.
I want to scream.
I want an outlet for this,
I need an outlet.
A note of unending bliss.

The thing is that I have this odd way of looking at things, I like things more then I like people, which most people think is odd. And the negativity has always been a part of me. Pretty much if I try a single positive thought, my mind rejects it. It's pretty lame.

I love men, but there's certain things about certain men I don't like. But it's an over generalization, at least the topic seems to be. But the things I don't like are:

1] Short temper/have a tendency to rage.
2] Drinking (This is usually in my age group, at least. Drinking seems like the fun thing guys my age want to indulge themselves in, and I am not interested.)
3] Pressuring me. (This happened in only one case, however.)
4] Belittling my gaming love.
5] Macho.

Other then that, I adore men. I know, it's a lot of things to dislike. x: But it seems to pop up a lot in the men I've encountered, where I live.

I've been smoking cigarettes for four years, have yet to give them up, and I am unsure I'm ever going to kick the habit. It's more of a personal choice then anything else, as I find it too much to give up right now. It's sanity verses my physical health.

Mental mutilation, it probably sounds really weird, but I can't seem to do anything but talk **** about myself. It's not because I need attention, it's like I need someone to talk bad about me, and if no one else is, I talk about it myself. It's better then the physical self mutilation I was addicted to when I hit 18, and it's better then the addiction to a certain medication I had been taking for over a year.

I'm the type of person that, if I don't get my fix, I'm pretty much inconsolable. I need my medication, it's my safety blanket, and it's like I need to feel terrible about myself, because I never learned how to feel good about myself.

Yeah, that and dying my hair, ahaha.

Like I'm about to cry, I had a terrible day, and it's showing, haha.

I'm single because I don't want to be in a relationship with anyone I know at the current moment. That and I'm busy a lot of the time. So, a combo of those two reasons.

Right! Don't get me wrong, apologizing is great. But 'Sorry' is too easy, it's used entirely too much and it's annoying when people keep saying it when they don't mean it.

I have a few friends who I talk to, online. They are usually better to me then my RL friends. Sometimes relationships can be established in an online world.

I usually 'impress' men my age with my knowledge of video games. I suppose sharing a common interest would impress anyone. That's sort of how I meet guys/girls in my life, doing something I love to do. :)

Hah, if only I could see it that way. Perhaps it's all the **** that's happened in my life. Apologies flung around like confetti. So, I suppose in reality I don't think someone can say sorry and really mean it with every fiber of their being. I'd be more impressed if one would simply show their apology then flinging around an overused word.

It's not that I don't apologize, it's that I've heard apologies my entire life from those in my family, my close friends, even lovers. But usually the apology is complete and utter bullsh*t.

Like I said before, I'd much rather they show it, then say it.

Probably not, it honestly depends on the situation. "Sorry" is used too often, it's become more of a cop-out then anything else. I don't mean to sound bitter, but usually I tell someone, "Don't say sorry, just don't do it again."

Why throw apologies that have no meaning around, when it cheapens and lessens the word's meaning? A lot of people my age throw casual apologies and they don't mean it. That word should be used in the appropriate situation, but I don't usually use that word, 'Sorry'. I suppose I've had an intense dislike for the word for quite some time.

If the situation called for it, such as a causal apology, such as a quick apology for a stupid act, I suppose I'd use it. I prefer to use other terms when apologizing to another person.

I'd probably phrase the apology with a different word. Heck, if I could make up a word that would mean apologies, I would.

Alright, I'm going to be blunt. Saying 'sorry' is easy, but the thing that has always echoed in my life is the simple saying of, "Actions are louder then words." I'm not going to take an apology unless they mean it, and they back it up with actions. I would try to do the same for them, and if I can't, we'd need to sit down and talk.

I'm more of an old fashioned girl, I like a kind man, I like a nice one, who isn't going to yell at me for little things I didn't mean to do. I don't say there's no arguments, that's a part of relationships. But I'd much rather have them over important issues.

The thing I've always noticed is that when I stop trying to meet people, I sort of meet new people. It's all good to look, though. But I personally have just stopped trying to look for a partner and such, and usually a nice person comes into my life.

I wish you all the best of luck!

Also, welcome.

I've been hurt by both unfair men, and unfair women. I have a few rules when it comes to dating, now. I don't ever date a man or woman who has cheated (Once a cheater, always a cheater). I don't go out on a date with someone I hardly know, because I prefer to build a relationship that's going to last.

I've been cheated on, I've been dumped on valentines day (this one later admitted he did it because he didn't want to get me anything.), I've been lied to, dumped via text, had things stolen from me, and a lot more, and I am not willing to put up with it ever again.

Self perception is never an easy thing.

Some have it better than others, but most of us are our own worst critics. Some of us are a lot harder on ourselves then the rest. As anything is, it’s all a matter of the individual. You can usually tell on how one accepts compliments. Some smile, accepting it graciously, filing it away for a reason they can recall to feel good about them selves. Some simply laugh them off, casually ignoring them. A person near and dear to me, however, clings to them as if they were the only thing to keep her afloat in an ocean.

She has always casually tossed out insults, I believe she does this because she feels so shitty about herself. It’s always been something she’s done. I think she expects the words thrown back at her, leaving painful areas and she allows them to fester and burn in the future. They do come back to haunt her, it’s obvious in the way she’s always carried herself, a haunted look when thinking about it.

Addiction has always been an ugly thing for her. When we’ve spoken, she tells me she can’t remember when she started her latest addiction. Four years? Three and a half? I think this point she really can’t remember. She has fragments of memories which give her a sort of time line, and those are her best guesses. She knows it started after high school, and she’s still hooked.

It all started with physical pain, which developed into an addiction far more complex then one would think. It all looks harmless, but deep down she’s always known what she’s doing. She’s always been the master of self mutilation to her own mind. She tells me the medication is helping, it’s making it easier, that she feels better then she has for years. She insisted she’s happy, but I’m honestly not sure.

For a very long time, she’s never had a picture of herself when she’s unaware of the camera. If anyone here has a picture where she’s completely unaware of the camera, I’d love to see it, I really would. But it’s the lost look, that I need to see, I need to see her vulnerable and I need to see her when she’s actually exposed.

The thing is she’s always aware when a camera is focused on her, and as soon as it turns to her she’s smiles and sunshine. More often then when she’s alone with me, she has a lost look. I think she’s staring at the years behind her. She’s trying to grasp the fact that life isn’t ever what it was supposed to be. She was supposed to have a better look at herself, she’s supposed to be happy.

In a matter of fact, when she was younger, she would have looked at herself now and probably punch her in the face (I’m not joking). She’d tell the older her to shape up and stop what she’s doing. She once told me, “You know, I’d always loved stories. I was going to be someone, I was going to be something.” You can’t tell her she’s someone, she won’t believe you.

She looks and sees how completely and utterly how ****ed up this world is. Starving and unhappy people, the sickness in her own mind and in other’s. It’s not a cut and dry comparison. She’s incredibly aware of how fortunate she is, almost too aware, if such a thing is possible. She’s told herself it’s too good for someone like her, and I don’t even know if she’s aware of it.

It hurts her, I suppose, life was supposed to be much different, always has been that way. She’s aware of this, I’m aware of this.

I cannot remember how it started. A safety pin turning into a razor, which in turn changed to nicotine and mental self abuse. I mean it, by the way, if you have a picture of me when I don’t notice the camera, I’d like to see it.

All of this is a self reflection, a document of self perception.

People can kill what they hate.

And frankly, I hate me.
----------------------------------------------------
This entire thing was written last night. I don't know what drove me to write it, but I needed to.

I also ask not to feel bad about it, don't tell me what you think of me. While reading, take it with a grain of salt.

It's a personal decision. My mother was one of those people who told me when I was getting older, "Honey, you can do drugs, drink, anything you want. But you must accept the consequences."

Having this told to me basically made me think of when I finally DID it, I'd thought it over, and such, and it was a personal decision. I did it for love, and when the relationship dissolved, I didn't regret it.

As for marriage, I think the religious aspect of it is getting out of hand. Thousands of dollars poured into a wedding ceremony, dress, food, blah blah.

As for me? Potluck for my wedding.

If there was one thing I'd have to change, it'd be the way I always seem to dismantle relationships.

A long term relationship to me, would have to be greater then 6 months, at the very least. That was about the period of time my mother and father were together before they got married, and they are still together.

It would also have to be a bit of a relationship which involves a lot of sharing, perhaps from favorite animals to religious views. The thing about relationships is, that it depends on the people.

I'm one of those who prefer a great deal of commitment if the relationship is going to last more then a year. I have tried the open relationship, and I've found I'm entirely too jealous. But just because it's 'open' doesn't mean it's any less meaningful.

As everyone else has said, there really isn't much to rate. Perhaps share hobbies, music tastes, and a bit about yourself? Also try and get active on the forums, you'll make loads of friends on here.

Victini


Musharna


Leavanny


Scrafty


Reuniclus


Chandelure

Those are a couple favorites from the latest game.