Please excuse the wedding ring,
pretend you never saw it.
An excuse to mingle with something,
that isn't him.
I have been faithful over the years,
after lies and affairs,
which drove me to tears,
this is my revenge.
Here, take the key to my heart,
they'll never see it again.
Feel free to take me apart,
in this passionless affair between strangers.
I've been driven to the pit,
of sinning and love.
Give me another hit,
I'll be back soon.
Please excuse the bones that need to mend,
as well as the bruises on my arms.
Right now I need a friend,
let's be alone for the night.
I've run so many times,
protecting the little ones,
which have kept me in the lines,
but I'm running away for good now.
The children are in the car,
and I've needed to tell a single soul,
that I'm going to run so far,
away from an abusive person.
So don't hide your heart's desire,
do you want to come with us?
Let me set you on fire,
then I'll run into the sunset.
My little loves,
so pure and so dear to my heart.
As fragile as doves.
I must keep them safe,
I will keep them safe,
from the one who hurts us.
Always hurting us.
---------------------------------------
Girl, I see you standing under the street light.
You look alone and so frail,
so would you even consider it might,
be good to come with me?
I know songs have been written for you.

Don't you know people write songs,
about girls like you?
And if you keep away too long,
they'll stop being written.
Come along, my love, come along.

I feel as if I've met you before,
maybe in a day dream,
maybe in old lore,
perhaps a chance of Fate,
maybe it's God's work.

What if you couldn't feel,
anything but horrible pain.
You run and you reel,
away from new lovers.
But come to me, come to me.

I'll take your hand, and we'll walk together.
Come along my love,
let's walk forever.
And leave this place behind,
so far behind.

Crack my knuckles,
crack my neck.
Running away from the fate,
which will make us a wreck.
Run away with me.
------------------------------------------------------------

SO~ I've finally just decided to make a topic where I'll post my poetry as it's written. I figure making a bazillion different threads is going to take up more time then just having a topic.

I'll be posting poetry on here, now.

I was actually abused as a child, it had some... Lasting effects, I mus say. The abuse continued in following relationships as well, though I've started making stands against things I'm not willing to deal with.

Sadly, however, I'm not really into... Intimacy. Too much work, I suppose, if it happens, it happens, if not I could hardly care. Sex is a tool for bartering for affection, and little more.




Thank you, as of late I have been unable to stop writing.

Now when I say 'relationships', I don't mean just romantic, I also am speaking of platonic relationships which won't progress to a romantic level. It's happened to all of us, from smoking dope to getting drunk, there's always the people who try to egg us on, even when made very plain that you aren't comfortable in such and such activity. "Come on, just one more drink." "Oh come on, it's just another hit, you can take it." It goes from simple egging to the annoying ones who won't just let the concept die.

I've had many different accounts of peer pressure happening in both romantic AND platonic relationships. Probably my favorite was, "You don't trust me." Yes, I was TOLD this because I refused to go out drinking at the bars with my friends. He had completely ignored the fact I was uncomfortable indulging myself with alcohol, or dope. Now, I mean not to ruffle any feathers, I am fine with all sorts of activities, but keep in mind that I am on MEDICATION, and mixing meds with anything else? NOT a good idea.

The main reason why I even discuss this, is that tonight is my friends 21st birthday. She wants to drink, she wants to go out dancing and have all sorts of fun... But. I'm not comfortable in taking shots or indulging myself with alcohol. One, I get super weird and edgy while drinking, that and I'm slowly trying to cut back on the cancer sticks.

How hard is it to make yourself clear to your friends? How many times does one need to say 'no', in order for it to stick? How can you make yourself clear to the point where they'll finally stop f*cking asking?!

Have a peer pressure story? I'd love to hear it, I know it happens to everyone, but the simple fact I have refused alcohol for MONTHS coupled with the fact she tried to pull the birthday card on me leaves me frustrated, and... Pissy, I'm not going to lie.

Haha, thank you. Simply the fact that I will not allow myself to be physically abused anymore is certainly a step in the correct direction.

As of late most of my "close" friends have been drinking. I use the term 'close' loosely, obviously. (Ahahaha pun). I've been asked many a time, "Why don't you drink?" And it's simply a matter of personal preference. That and as well as the fact that I have not done recreational drugs in a very long time (nothing against them) is also showing that I am unwilling to bend my own desires in order to please others.

The thing is, is that in my town where I grew up, there's this thing, basically a lot of younger girls getting pregnant. Usually because of the lack of use of birth control. The thing I'm getting at in this situation, is that usually it was because of peer pressure. The younger guys telling them it doesn't feel as great. One of the first steps in building myself up was actually starting birth control, because many had told me, "Oh it won't happen to you." I didn't listen and took my own path, as I do want children in the future, but as of right now, no.

Another few things which have built me up higher then before are simple things, I bake, and I cook. I don't alter my physical appearance, as usually some have the thought then they only look good with make up... Blah blah. ANYWAYS. It's such a shame that so little know how to make a decent meal, because it's really a great confidence builder! Just knowing you could make a nice meal.

That and jewelry making for me, I love it and people seem to like my work.

The root of my lack of confidence is usually the abuse I'd had when I was a child. I basically was told I'd do nothing with my life, and people seem to go, "See? You aren't." After you've heard nothing aside from that, you start to believe it. I mean, yeah, it's lame, and it sucks, but I'm working on building my self confidence in other ways besides the usual ways.

I'm alright with people who aren't super confident, no idea why but people who are, really rub me the wrong way, not entirely sure why. But I'm one of those people who isn't going to sugar coat the truth, and people don't like that and say that I'm hurting their self confidence, though for the most part it has little to nothing to do with the situation, it honestly depends.

As I've matured over the years, I've stopped putting up with a lot I used to, which I suppose, shows more confidence then I had before. I refuse to put up with it, I don't need it in my life. That and I have much more important things to do with my time then worry about some idiot dissing me or whatever. :P

a.) I am unsure if I believe in the concept of 'true' love. I've always had a slight difficulty in believing that something like that truly exists. However, for love there's a couple things I usually look for:

The first being someone I can be myself around, someone who will stick around no matter what happens, especially when **** hits the fan. Someone who makes me laugh, cry and such, as well as someone who makes me really and truly feel alive. These aren't requirements for the relationships, as I'm more of a lover, then a fighter. However, I've seemed to hit something of a brick wall when it comes to this concept.

b.) Purely physical intimacy. Someone you've known for a couple weeks and have already placed them on a throne in their lives. Usually when I have encountered 'infatuation', it's usually physical and I don't really invest myself in the relationship, as I don't see it lasting or it not having a point.

c.) The main difference is the fact that one (to me) is purely physical whereas the other has a great deal of emotional commitment and investment in the relationship. As other's have said, put up with my BS and still love me.

Thank you guys for being so cool about my poetry, I've lately been doing little besides work and writing.

"Untitled"

Come on baby, let's strut our stuff.
Mingling kisses and heat between us.
I know I look hard and tough,
but I wanna touch you like no other.
Your back is arching when I make you sing,
marks of passion left over your clear skin.
The final touch, the final thing,
I do before I leave.
Don't be shy my love, I know I bite.
But I won't break the skin,
unless you want to see the sight,
of blood mingling with sex.
I want to scream and hiss,
Straining against the chain holding me down,
Are you beginning to miss,
the love-hate relationship we need so much?
Let me drag you into my heart,
struggle all you want,
because you'll break apart,
then you shall be be mine.
The simple joy of love and hate,
smearing the lines with bruises and kisses.
People may debate,
if this is healthy for either of us.
But I don't care,
and I don't know if you notice,
but I stop and stare,
I want a piece of you.
Mascara smeared and lipstick lines,
running over my cheeks and chin.
A token of the times,
when we've beaten each other to oblivion.
Let me claw and hurt you,
let me make you feel nice.
But baby it's so true,
you need to pay the price.
A good amount for a room with me,
cash, credit, charge.
I'll be all that you need,
even if your soul pays the price.
Baby, I'll be gentle at first,
But then I'll want blood.
I think I've been cursed,
with the need for passion.
I'll leave you alone in bed,
strutting down the hallway with smoke following me.
It was fun, but it had to end,
You didn't pay me enough to stay.
Step up, whomever is next in line.
How do you choose to pay?
Cash, credit, either way a healthy fine,
Come on, pay to play.
Come on, baby, pay to play.

Notes: I did not see where this was going when I wrote it, and once I did, I realized it does reflect on the fact that somehow we all pay for sex, if it's a one night stand, a long relationship, and other things. Even if it's the first situation, we pay for it. Either in money, soul, or another way, perhaps drinks or something. So I suppose I see myself as someone who requires "payment" when getting physically intimate with someone, though I take the currancy of affection.
--------------------------------------------------------------------
"I am"

I am an angel decended from Heaven,
My eyes light up the moon and sky,
my body flowing with unknown grace,
You'll know I can fly,
away from the Hell we've created.

I am a demon risen from Hell.
The smoke pouring from my lips stinks of sin.
You'll know how to see me,
and I'll let you in,
but let me smear your soul.

I am a siren from the sea.
I raise my voice to flow from my chest,
beauty mingled with danger,
come down and come rest,
under the depths of the water.

I am a deer in the forest,
I step so softly you don't know I'm there.
Can you find me? Can you see me?
If you can you'll stare,
and then will wish to run with me.

I am a stone in the earth.
Calm and held together by melded rock.
Push me, pull me,
I'm anything but soft.
But I shall not be moved.

I am a flower in a field,
and I bloom during the night.
A treasure for only those to see,
who can handle the sight,
of the purity pouring from me.

I am a grain of sand on the beach,
hidden away like all the others.
A massive family near the water,
surrounded by sisters and brothers,
I am never alone.

I am an apple on the tree,
I've never fallen far from home.
I may grow into a tree,
soon to stand alone,
and love my children as they fall from me.

I am a strike of lightning in the storm,
wicked and full of power,
come little mortals,
come and cower,
and I may spare you.

And of course I am a woman,
lost in the crowed of millions.
I don't know if you can pick me out,
harder when we become trillions.
And I am forever lost.

And finally I am me,
I am many things which have come together.
A blink of an eye is the span of my life,
but I'll remain forever,
on the world I call my home.
-------------------------------------------------------------

I don't know if you realize that I'm here,
waiting in the shadows of the other's around me.
And I have given away to the fear,
that I cannot say and be what I need to be.
I've been hiding in myself for years,
and I prefer to keep to myself now.
Hidden behind the mask and tears,
I have yet to figure out how,
I think and how I am.

I see you in the corner of my eye,
and I am terrified of people seeing who I'll be.
I'll keep to myself and lie,
Will anyone see deep into me?
Break open my mind and heart,
and I shall pretend that you know who I'll become.
I'll try not to fall apart,
so I've got to run,
away from the people around me.

If I smiled would it make a difference?
If there was joy would I need to show proof?
If I sang would it be a delieverance,
from the sorrow which is the sorrow so true?
I am hidden behind a mask made of joy,
and I feel as though I have become fake,
play with me as a toy,
and eventually I'll break,
under the strain.

If I happened to expose my skin,
would someone want to indulge themself in me?
If I let someone in,
I wonder what they'll see.
I don't know how fair it is while I'm waiting,
for someone who may never come.
I wait and sometimes I'm debating,
if I should stay or run,
away from those I care for.

Empty as an unused casket,
Hollow and cracked.
Hold my heart out in a basket,
and I won't take it back.
Kiss, kiss my love,
An empty phrase hidden with a smile.
I feel the need to hide above,
the world for quite a while,
to mend my bones.

"Lust" -

Touch my skin,
can you feel the bones underneath?
A sound hidden within the sin,
and I am unraveling.
Let me catch your eye,
allow me to lure you in,
a soft sound and sigh,
blood pouring from the wounds.
The sound of a soul breaking,
the death of the good within me,
and I am taking,
all the good from you.
Feeding off memories and hopes,
tie me down,
bind me with rope,
and never let me escape.
Starved for a simple touch,
starved for affection,
Perhaps it shall be too much,
to release myself from what holds me to you.
Bash my face against the wall,
I hardly notice the pain in my mind,
allow me to give the call,
of need and of pain.
Make me scream with desire,
soak my body with gasonline,
baby, I'm on fire,
and dust to dust.
A woman looking for the light in the night,
and is it me or her,
who is living and looking for the light,
in everyday situations?
I wanna be a victim and ready for addiciton,
I wanna be the girl in the center,
a mindless affliction,
of lust and heat.
Claw the skin so close to my own,
beat the lover to close for my love.
Am I in a crowded room and alone,
or am I seeking something that isn't there?
What is it that you don't know?
What must I explain?
The lust continues to grow,
and I am consumed with fire.
--------------------------------------------------------------
"Kiss kiss"-

Walking down the street,
hand in hand with the one I call my own.
Allow me to take the seat,
next to yours.
So if you're lonely,
why'd you say you aren't?
And why'd you say you know me,
when you don't?
Laughter begins the love of a lifetime,
and soft whispers alert me to how close,
we walk together in the line,
of fire.
Baby, I don't care if you're crazy,
I won't notice it in the least,
because you amaze me.
And I think you always will.
Allow me to give you a token of my joy,
and don't break it,
as I am nothing but a toy,
but I think I can manage.
Stillness in my soul,
stillness in the people around me.
And what's the goal,
of this uncertain life?
A kiss on the lips,
is as lovely as a kiss on the cheek,
heated whispers and nips,
silence the words we wish to say.
Bubbling up in my heart,
I think I'm not all here anymore.
As I feel as I must tear apart,
the bond I have with the other's.
Kiss kiss, my love.
Kiss kiss,
as frail and soft as a dove,
this is my affection, and my addiction.
Allow me to take the hand,
which lingers so close to mine,
and let's make a stand,
with the blossoming need between us.
Let us make light of the situation,
which has us both confined,
and allow me to show the dedication,
of how I want to be to you.
Let's sit down for a meal,
and spend the time talking.
And how about we make a deal,
we can use one another.
Hidden in a beautiful world,
each of us doesn't see the same,
and to this girl,
I see only light.

Haha, I'll wear them proudly.

I don't like forward advances when I state I am uninterested in a relationship. It probably makes me the angriest when I am not listened to, and usually it ends up in a very angry me when I have people advancing on me when I've very clearly stated, "No." I think that's for everyone, honestly.

A couple things I do like, though, are just friends. Platonic relationships are sort of my thing, I try to make this clear, unless I actually feel comfortable and in a good situation with someone I like. Usually, it doesn't work out, and I'm trying to get better with how I handle rejection.

I don't know, a few things I really enjoy are just hanging out and such, I like getting to know people, the most.

8U There's T-shirts? I need one.

This one is terrible, but it makes me laugh,
"Hey baby, did it hurt?"
"What?"
"When you fall on my d*ck three minutes from now."

My friend came up with that one.

I would have to say I qualify for this club, always been a biotch and have told it like it is! xD Where do I sign up?

Illness burning behind the eyes,
words spoken and peppered with lies,
the blight is spreading tinted with sighs,
and I seem to sink under the surface.
Events moving forward they're on a roll,
ugly little secrets taking the toll,
the illness is staining my soul,
slipping under the water into delirium.
Depression is stronger then before,
shaking mentally down to the core,
I don't think I want to know anymore,
and I shall live in ignorance.
Isn't it pretty the edges are dull,
cowering away from a future untold,
is it a treasure that has so much gold,
or is it a breathless night?
The time rolls on, the season passes,
preaching to the world and it's masses,
give me a pair of rose colored glasses,
because the world looks terrible to me.
People are screaming out their curses,
what is the one single purpose?
Hiding in silence or in the churches?
I don't know if I want to hear the answer.
Bloody valentine dear to my heart,
I don't know if we can ever be apart,
should have kept quiet from the start.
Because I regret those words.
As odd as it is I'm very delicate,
even for the problems that aren't relevant,
burning my bridges just for the hell of it,
but I'm hiding in myself.
Knives cut deep and I'm bleeding,
while inwardly I'm secretly seething,
can't someone stop the breathing,
of the pain in the sinner's souls?
Let me scream out my love to the crowd,
gotta make sure it's heard and loud,
and I found I couldn't make a sound,
a monster hidden behind my eyes.
People working for pointless pay,
and when they speak they have nothing to say,
in a matter of fact make them go away,
I like my little niche with myself.
Screaming and breaking the bonds,
I wonder if it's alright hide then be gone,
maybe for the hell of it I'll sing a song,
that hides the pretty lies.
Touching the surface of a person,
falling in love and being in prison,
I'm not well and now I'm on a mission,
and I think it's just for me.
People living without a care,
to me it's not very fair,
but I can't help and stop and stare,
because I feel alien to this world.
Love is a fickle lover,
and I move on and find another,
but perhaps he'll feel like a brother,
and I'm grappling with reality.
People are sad so they are maddening,
people are angry so they are saddening,
in this life I feel as a blasphemy,
so fickle and angry, that's the fun of life.
And yet it's peaceful when you feel gone,
and you don't know if you'll be gone long,
and it's alright because I sang the last song,
so bury me in the earth.
But this is how it goes, even in past,
and the good times seem to hardly last,
and now I've found that I have been cast,
into Oblivion.
I need a place to rest my eyes,
I need a place to hide the lies,
and I need to stay away from the sighs,
of lost lovers.

Guy came up to me and said, "Hey baby, it looks like a needle but it runs like a sewing machine." I had to give him a date for that.

It's pretty much what I'm feeling now. An outcast in my 'home', unwanted by people, and pretty much I'm dying to just scream it all out. Because I can't, really. It's just the household. Lol.

Haha, the thing about cigarettes is that I'm more willing to keep my mental sanity right now, then my physical health.

Ahaha, I'm the type of person that only gets angry once or twice a year, and when it happens, NO ONE wants to be around me.