Self perception is never an easy thing.

Some have it better than others, but most of us are our own worst critics. Some of us are a lot harder on ourselves then the rest. As anything is, it’s all a matter of the individual. You can usually tell on how one accepts compliments. Some smile, accepting it graciously, filing it away for a reason they can recall to feel good about them selves. Some simply laugh them off, casually ignoring them. A person near and dear to me, however, clings to them as if they were the only thing to keep her afloat in an ocean.

She has always casually tossed out insults, I believe she does this because she feels so shitty about herself. It’s always been something she’s done. I think she expects the words thrown back at her, leaving painful areas and she allows them to fester and burn in the future. They do come back to haunt her, it’s obvious in the way she’s always carried herself, a haunted look when thinking about it.

Addiction has always been an ugly thing for her. When we’ve spoken, she tells me she can’t remember when she started her latest addiction. Four years? Three and a half? I think this point she really can’t remember. She has fragments of memories which give her a sort of time line, and those are her best guesses. She knows it started after high school, and she’s still hooked.

It all started with physical pain, which developed into an addiction far more complex then one would think. It all looks harmless, but deep down she’s always known what she’s doing. She’s always been the master of self mutilation to her own mind. She tells me the medication is helping, it’s making it easier, that she feels better then she has for years. She insisted she’s happy, but I’m honestly not sure.

For a very long time, she’s never had a picture of herself when she’s unaware of the camera. If anyone here has a picture where she’s completely unaware of the camera, I’d love to see it, I really would. But it’s the lost look, that I need to see, I need to see her vulnerable and I need to see her when she’s actually exposed.

The thing is she’s always aware when a camera is focused on her, and as soon as it turns to her she’s smiles and sunshine. More often then when she’s alone with me, she has a lost look. I think she’s staring at the years behind her. She’s trying to grasp the fact that life isn’t ever what it was supposed to be. She was supposed to have a better look at herself, she’s supposed to be happy.

In a matter of fact, when she was younger, she would have looked at herself now and probably punch her in the face (I’m not joking). She’d tell the older her to shape up and stop what she’s doing. She once told me, “You know, I’d always loved stories. I was going to be someone, I was going to be something.” You can’t tell her she’s someone, she won’t believe you.

She looks and sees how completely and utterly how ****ed up this world is. Starving and unhappy people, the sickness in her own mind and in other’s. It’s not a cut and dry comparison. She’s incredibly aware of how fortunate she is, almost too aware, if such a thing is possible. She’s told herself it’s too good for someone like her, and I don’t even know if she’s aware of it.

It hurts her, I suppose, life was supposed to be much different, always has been that way. She’s aware of this, I’m aware of this.

I cannot remember how it started. A safety pin turning into a razor, which in turn changed to nicotine and mental self abuse. I mean it, by the way, if you have a picture of me when I don’t notice the camera, I’d like to see it.

All of this is a self reflection, a document of self perception.

People can kill what they hate.

And frankly, I hate me.
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This entire thing was written last night. I don't know what drove me to write it, but I needed to.

I also ask not to feel bad about it, don't tell me what you think of me. While reading, take it with a grain of salt.

Hmm, I like...
Seems as though understanding something and understanding what to do about it are two different things...?

Regardles... very nice.

..Always nice when words flow out of the blue..Better out then jumbled up in your head..

I liked this too..

Looking inward can be both frightening and cathartic.

Nicely done...