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Community > Posts By > harrypotter2
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Topic:
Shooting Turkey
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Oh Crap.
 
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I was shopping at the local supermarket where I selected: A half-gallon of 2% milk A carton of eggs A quart of orange juice A head of lettuce A 2 lb. can of coffee A 1 lb. package of bacon As I was unloading my items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind me watched as I placed the items in front of the cashier. While the cashier was ringing up the purchases, the drunk calmly stated, "You must be single." I was a bit startled by this proclamation, but I was intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since I was indeed single. I looked at the six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about my selections that could have tipped off the drunk to my marital status. Curiosity getting the better of me, I said: "Well, you know what, you're absolutely right. But how on earth did you know that?" The drunk replied, "Cause you're friggin' ugly."  
OUCH!!!!
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Topic:
Proud to be British
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Rule Brittania.
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Topic:
Cold War Christmas
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Topic:
Bob at the nudist colony
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Bob joined a very exclusive nudist colony in Oklahoma. On his first day he took off his clothes and started to wander around the area. A gorgeous petite blonde walked by, and Bob immediately got an erection. The woman noticed his erection, came over to him and asked, '"Did you call for me?" Bob replied, "No, what do you mean?" She said, "You must be new here. Let me explain. It's a rule here that if you get an erection, it implies you called for me." Smiling, she led him to the side of the swimming pool, laid down on a towel, eagerly pulled him to her and happily let him have his way with her. Later, Bob continued to explore the colony's facilities. He entered the sauna and as he sat down, he farted. Within seconds a huge, hairy manlumbered out of the steam room toward him. "Did you call for me?" asked the hairy man. "No, what do you mean?" replied the newcomer Bob. "You must be new." answered the hairy man, "It's a rule that if you fart, it implies that you called for me." The huge man easily spun him around, put him over a bench and had his way with the newcomer Bob. Bob staggered back to the colony office where he was greeted by a smiling, naked receptionist, "May I help you?" she asked. "Here's my membership card. You can have the key back and you can keep the $500.00 membership fee." "But, Sir," she replied, "You've only been here a few hours. You haven't had a chance to see all our facilities." "Listen lady, I' m 68 years old. I only get an erection once a month, but I fart 15 times a day. I'm outta here!" 
OMFG 
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Boyfriend Lite. Now available for a limited time (or may be on market for a while), in preparation for Christmas, this new and improved Boyfriend Lite. (Contains only half the carbs of a regular boyfriend). Your friends will be jealous, your mom will be thrilled, your sister will secretly hit on me, and even your dog will sniff me and approve. That’s right; there is not one thing about your life that will not be improved by this remarkable product. Helpful in the kitchen, decorative at parties and capable of warming up the coldest winter evening, Boyfriend Lite is the perfect accessory for every part of your home. Comfortable in the garage, useful in the bedroom, and moves even the heaviest objects with ease this unique product is just what you needed to brighten up the place. Also this product has been reputed to cure depression, boost self-esteem and give every room in your home a completely new smell. The perfect accessory for cycling, hiking, jogging, golf, dancing, horseback riding...Hmmm now there's a thought...is there anything better than having 1000lbs of thrust between your legs...Sigh...., Boyfriend Lite is the ultimate gym accessory as well with all around fun. And no matter how much he eats, you cannot super size this offer. Available at a very low price (practically free, extremely low monthly payments) Boyfriend Lite is completely self-supporting and self transporting. Send me back at any time if you are not completely satisfied. However with proper and minimal maintenance (more than a houseplant, less than a child) and upkeep this product could quite likely last for a lifetime. This product comes with a no cling option, and can easily be left unattended outside for extended periods if you get temporarily fed up. Boyfriend Lite is approved by 99% of World Health Departments , recommended by Doctors, two out of three Dentists, and your old and cranky aunt who always asks why you are still single. Side effects may include uncontrollable laughter, inability to stop smiling and irrational optimism. Mild irritation may occasionally occur. Get yours today, before it's too late. *Product may not be exactly as described, possible upgrades and options may be available in the future, Including Boyfriend 2.0 (Serious Edition), Fiancee XP, Husband Vista, and Ex-Husband ME but lets not get carried away OK.* I don't have many pictures; It’s not that I am secretive, just a bit camera shy and living on my own. Disclaimer: this profile is subject to change. Void where prohibited by law. Offer not valid in all cities. Some assembly required. No smoking allowed. Final disclaimer: No offence, but hell itself would have to freeze over before I drive across any major city on a regular basis. No offence to the thousands of beautiful and charming women who live across major towns, but I would rather have an attack of explosive diarrhoea than drive in city traffic. It's not you it's just gridlock. First Date. You could pick me up in your Ferrari, take me to your private jet, then Wisk me away for a torrid weekend on your private Island estate somewhere in the Caribbean. Unfortunately this will probably leave me feeling cheap and used, so we should probably just go for a Coffee at the nearest Burger King. * Offers of torrid weekends in the Caribbean will be considered on a case by case basis* Note. Please stop regarding me as a mere sexual plaything. It is becoming tiresome. Until now, women have relied on me for countless hours of sexual fulfillment, but I've had quite enough of it. (Can't believed I typed that.. )
I'm tired of being ogled every time I walk down the street or through the mall. I'm tired of having random women come up to me in bars half naked, buying me drinks, asking for my number, pretending to be interested in my personality, then forgetting my name. I'm tired of being pressured to 'put out' for you just because you're horny or trying to impress your family and friends or members of Plenty of Fish . I'm tired of waking up the next day only to find you gone, then waiting by the phone in vain hoping for it to ring. What I want...What I insist...and...What I am after... Is what every other active good looking well built sincere heterosexual reasonable man wants -? TWINS.
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Topic:
THE SPIRIT OF CHRISTMAS.
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I'll drink to that.
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Topic:
Crime of Passion
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A man called home and when the maid answered the phone, he asked to speak with his wife. "Oh sir," the maid said, "She is in her bedroom with a boyfriend!" Obviously angry, the man told the maid to go to his study and get the gun from the desk and shoot his wife and the boy friend. The man heard the maid get the gun and walk up the stairs, then "Bang, bang!" She returned and said, "What do you want me to do now?" The man said, Make it look like a burglary and throw the gun in the swimming pool." The maid said, "But sir, we don't have a swimming pool!" The man said, "Erm. Is that 1123-45667?"
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Topic:
Young lady at the doctors
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A young girl of 17 years of age goes to her family doctor. "What can I do for you my dear?" Asks the doc. "Well. I'm 18 years old next week and I just got married last week also. I'm a bit concerned, as I saw my husband naked for the first time on our wedding night, and I just have a couple of questions." "Fire away m' dear." "Well,'" She begins. "Between his legs, he has a long thing hanging down. What is this?" "Hmmm. Well. In medical terms, this is called the 'penis'. It also has other names such as D ick, Willy, plus several more." "And," She continued, "On the top of this penis there is a Bell shaped object. What is that called?" The doctor said. "This can be known as among other things, the 'Bell end' or the 'Helmnet'" "I see." Replied the girl. "And about 22 inches behind this, 'Bell End', there are two round things. What are those?" The doctors mnouth dropped open and he gasped, "HOW FAR BACK?" "22 inches" She replied. !Well" He recovered, "I hope for your sake they're the cheeks of his a$$!"
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Topic:
Osama writes to Obama
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Once upon a time, in a far away country, there lived a little girl called Red Riding Hood. One day, her mother asked her to take a basket of fruit to her grandmother, who had been ill and lived alone in a cottage in the forest. It happened that a wolf was lurking in the bushes and overheard the conversation. He decided to take a short- cut to the grandmother’s house, and get the goodies for himself. The wolf killed the grandmother, then dressed in her nightgown, and jumped into bed to await the arrival of the little girl. When she arrived, he made several nasty suggestions and then tried to grab her. But by this time the child was very frightened, and ran screaming from the cottage. A woodcutter working nearby, heard her cries, and rushed to the rescue. He killed the wood with his axe, thereby saving Red Riding Hoods life. All the towns people hurried to the scene and proclaimed the woodcutter a hero. But, at the inquest, several facts emerged: 1) The wolf had never been advised of his rights. 2) The woodcutter had made no warning swings before striking the fatal blow. 3) The Civil Liberties Union stressed the point that, although the act of eating Grandma may have been in bad taste, the wolf was only ‘doing his thing’ and thus, didn’t deserve the death penalty. 4) The CPS contended that the killing of the grandmother should be considered self-defence since she was over thirty and therefore, couldn’t be taken seriously, because the wolf was trying to make love, not war. On the basis of these considerations, it was decided there was no valid basis for charges against the wolf. Moreover, the woodcutter was charged with unaggravated assault with a deadly weapon. Several nights later, the woodcutters’ cottage was burned to the ground. One year from the date of ‘The incident at Grandma’s,’ her cottage was made a shrine for the wolf who had bled and died there. All the village officials spoke about the dedication. But it was Red Riding Hood who gave the most touching tribute. She said that, while she had been selfishly grateful for the woodcutters’ intervention, she realized in retrospect that he had over-reacted. As she knelt and placed a wreath in honour of the brave wolf, there wasn’t a dry eye in the whole forest.
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Topic:
The Firemans Bells
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One day there was a fireman coming home from a meeting at the Firehouse. So as he sits down to a hot dinner that his lovely wife prepared he begins to tell her how the meeting went. He says, 'Honey we are implementing a new bell system at the firehouse.' The wife smiles and said, "oh honeypie?" and he said 'yeah when one bell sounds we run to put our gear then the second bell means we slide down the pole and the third means we race off to put out the fire.' Then he added 'I want to try something similar at home' And the wife said "Oh?" He said 'When I say bell one you run upstairs. When I say bell two you strip naked. When I say bell three we are gonna make love all night." So the next day after a long day at the firehouse the fireman walks in the door he yells, 'BELL 1!' The wife runs upstairs fast as she can. Then he yelled 'BELL 2' They stripped naked. 'BELL 3' They began having sex. So after about a half hour the wife and fireman were still gettin it on and the wife yelled "BELL 4" 'Bell 4?' the fireman asked. The wife quipped "yea bell 4 need more hose yo are no where near the fire!!!"
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Topic:
Escaped Lunatic
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A man escaped from a lunatic asylum, and made his way into a small countryside village. On entering the village, he came across a laundramat, where several women were doing their weekly wash. He entered the laundry whereupon he threatened the women with a knife, and proceeded to rape two of them. When the owner of the laundry heard the screams, he ran into the main washroom. At this point, the lunatic ran out of the laundry, and disappeared over some garden fences, and escaped. The next morning, the headline in the local newspaper read; NUT SCREWS WASHERS AND BOLTS
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Topic:
Why have you got that there?
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Chuck and Danny, went camping in the high mountains for several weeks. For so long in fact, that they grew tired of one another's company and began to quarrel daily. One morning Danny decided they should try a day apart and proposed that he walk West and Chuck should walk East. Chuck agreed and they planned to meet back at camp at sunset. They set off in opposite directions with brisk strides. Chuck returned first, started a fire and began to prepare supper. The sun was just a glimmer over the horizon and the first stars had begun to gleam before Danny struggled into camp with a weary smile. Tired as he was, Danny went for water and firewood, as the camp rules required. After supper was finished and the utensils cleaned, Chuck began to talk about his day. "It was a wonderful day, my friend," began Chuck. "I walked farther up the mountain than we've ever been. About noon I found a wonderful little valley with a lovely, cold lake. I skinny-dipped a while, quietly ate some lunch and watched the animals come to drink and wash. Then I dressed and came back to camp. All in all, a great day." Danny was real quiet like a man trying to hold on to a pleasant thought until Chuck asked, "How was your day?" In a peaceful, dreamy voice Danny replied, "Marvellous! I walked downhill until I found a railroad track and followed it a ways. I saw a women lying near the track, all tied up. Man! What a great body! I untied her and carried her under the trees. We had sex several times. Danny sighed with a soft, remembering smile. By this time Chuck was almost beside himself with excitement. "Damn, man," he whispered. "Did you get a blow job, too?" "No," said Danny with a frown. "I never did find her head." 
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T. B. Bechtel, a City Councillor from Newcastle in Australia, was asked on a local live radio talk show, just what he thought about the allegations of torture of suspected terrorists. His reply prompted his ejection from the studio, but to thunderous applause from the audience. HIS STATEMENT: 'If hooking up one raghead terrorist prisoner's testicles to a car battery to get the truth out of the lying little camelshagger will save just one Australian life, then I have only three things to say,' 'Red is positive, Black is negative, and Make sure his nuts are wet.'
Now THAT was funny.
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I'm still giggling at this.
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Topic:
The Bank Robbery
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Topic:
$1,000,000 question.
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Believe in your friends! Sally, a contestant on 'Who Wants to be a Millionaire?' had reached the final plateau. If she answered the next question correctly, she would win $1,000,000. If she answered incorrectly, she would pocket only the $25,000 milestone money. As she suspected, the million-dollar question was not easy... It was, 'Which of the following species of birds does not build its own nest, but, instead lays its eggs in the nests of other birds? Is it: A) The Condor B) The Buzzard C) The Cuckoo D) The Vulture Sally was on the spot.. She didn't know the answer. Sally had used up her 50/50 Lifeline and her Ask the Audience Lifeline. All that remained was her Phone-a-Friend Lifeline. Sally hoped that she wouldn't have to use it because...well her friend was Blonde. But, Sally had no alternative. She called her friend and read her the question and four answers. The blonde responded unhesitatingly: "That's easy. The answer is C: the Cuckoo." The contestant had to make her decision quickly. Sally considered employing a reverse strategy and giving any answer, except the one that her Blonde friend had given. It would seem to be the logical thing to do. But... the Blonde had responded with such confidence, such certitude, that Sally couldn't help but be convinced. "I need an answer", said the game host. Crossing her fingers, the contestant said, "C: The Cuckoo". "Is that your final answer?" "Yes, that is my final answer." To which the host replied, "That answer is.... Absolutely correct! You are now a millionaire!" Three days later, Sally hosted a party for her family and friends, including the Blonde who had helped her win the million dollars. "Joni, I just don't know how to thank you!' Sally said. "How did you happen to know the right answer?" "Oh, come on," said the blonde... "Everybody knows that cuckoos don't build nests! They live in clocks." Sally fainted.........
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