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Community > Posts By > harrypotter2
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Topic:
The cow from England
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Topic:
Why do women....
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Why do women rub their eyes when they wake up in the mornings? . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Coz they don't have a pair of BaLLs to scratch. 
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Topic:
Weird Dream
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I had to share this and would like to hear your thoughts. Let me first of all stress that this was a dream I just had I was sitting at home when the telephone rang, and a female voice asked, “Hello. Is that Tom Richards?” “Yes,” I replied. “Who is this?” “You may not remember me, I’m Anne Eaves. We were in the same class at school.” My heart skipped a beat. I had often, in school, longed to have this girl as my girlfriend, but she had dozens of admirers and I just didn’t have a look in. “I’m organizing a class reunion, and managed to get your phone number from your brother. You were the first one I’ve been able to reach.” I thought this was a bit strange as I had, as a sixteen year old, joined the army, and had not returned to the area for over 35 years, and I had now been living in Germany for almost 27 years, whereas, I assumed, she, had remained. Therefore she could have contacted any of the other classmates who had settled there. On asking her this, she told me that she had remained there for 5 years and then moved to Germany to work as a nanny in Düsseldorf. She had only returned to England recently to attend her mothers’ funeral, and was upset to find that due to government cutbacks, our old school had been demolished. It was this fact that spurred her to try to organise the reunion. She had now returned to Germany and was living on her own, as she had never married. “How come you never got married?” I asked her. She laughed. “I had plenty of dates and proposals, but they never seemed to work out. Guess my work meant more to me!” I told her about my situation, which I won’t bore you, the reader with. The next thing that happened in this dream was that we had somehow met up and were talking in an old bar in the area where I live. We walked into room at the back of the bar whereupon it seemed that it was a very cold winter’s day and we were out in the country, beside a lake in some woods. I noticed that the lake was iced over, and, THIS is where it gets weird. We could actually see through the ice and under the ice, there was a person we both knew from our schooldays dressed in medieval attire in a medieval environment, and singing. But there was no face to this person, so I have no recollection if the person was male or female. I don’t at this point remember what the song was, but I'm reasonably sure it was a modern (1980s) track, and that the song was a poignant one. It was at this point, that my telephone rang and I woke up. I wrote this down as soon as I got up as it was such a vivid dream. 
Anybody got any ideas? And have you also had similar experiences? Don't you just hate it when the phone rings? Especially if it's a wrong number. 
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Topic:
Mohammed in France.
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Mohammad enters his classroom. "What is your name?" asked the teacher. "Mohammad, " the boy answered. "Here we are in France, there is no Mohammad. From now on your name will be Jean-Francois," the teacher said. After school Mohammed went home. 'How was your day?' Mohammed's mother asked. "My name is not Mohammad, I am in France, and my name is Jean-Francois " "Ah, are you ashamed of your name? Are you trying to disown your parent's heritage? Shame on you!" And his mother beats him. Then she called and told his father, and his father beats him very hard. The next day Mohammed returned to school. When the teacher saw him with all the bruises she asked , "What happened my little Jean-Francois?" "Two hours after becoming French, I was attacked by two Arab Terrorists!"  
OMG
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Topic:
Honest Help
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A burglar alarm sent out its piercing wail in the dark of night in Brooklyn and the police arrived just in time to collar the burglar, Morris Spiegel, as he was leaving the premises with a big bag full of loot. Soon, he was in court facing a grim-looking judge. "Did you have an accomplice?" asked the judge. "What's an accomplice?" inquired Morris. "A partner. In other words, did you commit this crime by yourself?" "What else?" demanded the culprit. "Who can get honest and reliable help these days?" 
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Topic:
A Heartrending Story
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In 1986, Peter Davies was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from Northwestern University. On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air. The elephant seemed distressed, so Peter approached it very carefully. He got down on one knee, inspected the elephants foot, and found a large piece of wood deeply embedded in it. As carefully and as gently as he could, Peter worked the wood out with his knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot. The elephant turned to face the man, and with a rather curious look on its face, stared at him for several tense moments. Peter stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled. Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned, and walked away. Peter never forgot that elephant or the events of that day. Twenty years later, Peter was walking through the Chicago Zoo with his teenage son. As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and walked over to near where Peter and his son Cameron were standing. The large bull elephant stared at Peter, lifted its front foot off the ground, then put it down. The elephant did that several times then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man. Remembering the encounter in 1986, Peter could not help wondering if this was the same elephant. Peter summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing, and made his way into the enclosure. He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder. The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of Peters legs and slammed him against the railing, killing him instantly. Probably wasn't the same elephant. 
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Topic:
SOMETIMES
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Topic:
BATTLE OF THE DOGS
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Topic:
"Why do you dress funny?"
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Topic:
Revenge is Sweet !!!
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How did you get hold of my letter?
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Topic:
The New English
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Funny isn't it, English for the official language of the E.U. and it is not the official language of the U.S. imagine that I guess the reason for that is the differences between English English, and American English. English English is being destroyed by the Americanisation, which is a shame.  
ANOTHER thing the US has stolen from us. 
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A guy was feeling hungry and set off in his car to the local fast food outlet. Passing a house on his way, he noticed a portable (Freshly lit) Barbeque in a garden. Being a resourceful guy, he pulled over and grabbed the grill, (which contained several steaks) He placed the grill carefully in the trunk of his car and drove off. The owner of the barbeque spotted him and dialled 911. He was very easy to find however, as a couple of miles later, the fire department were called to a burning vehicle. Needless to say.... 
DUMB OR WHAT? 
Oh brother.
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30. In Indonesia, the penalty for masturbation is decapitation. 29. In Victoria Australia, only a licensed electrician is allowed to change a lightbulb. 28. Becareful who you lock lips with in Saudi Arabia because it is illegal to kiss a stranger 27.Did you know it's illegal in France to name a pig Napoleon? 26It is also forbidden to call your pig Napoleon? 25. It is illegal for a cab in the City of London to carry rabid dogs or corpses. 24. It is illegal to die in the Houses of Parliament. 23. It is an act of treason to place a postage stamp bearing the British monarch upside down. 22. In France, it is forbidden to call a pig Napoleon. 21. Under the UK’s Tax Avoidance Schemes Regulations 2006, it is illegal not to tell the taxman anything you don’t want him to know, though you don’t have to tell him anything you don’t mind him knowing. 20. In Alabama, it is illegal for a driver to be blindfolded while driving a vehicle. 19. In Ohio, it is against state law to get a fish drunk. 18. Royal Navy ships that enter the Port of London must provide a barrel of rum to the Constable of the Tower of London. 17. In the UK, a pregnant woman can legally relieve herself anywhere she wants – even, if she so requests, in a policeman’s helmet. 16. In Lancashire, no person is permitted after being asked to stop by a constable on the seashore to incite a dog to bark. 15. In Miami, Florida, it is illegal to skateboard in a police station. 14. In Indonesia, the penalty for masturbation is decapitation. 13. In England, all men over the age of 14 must carry out two hours of longbow practice a day. 12. In London, Freemen are allowed to take a flock of sheep across London Bridge without being charged a toll; they are also allowed to drive geese down Cheapside. 11. In San Salvador, drunk drivers can be punished by death before a firing squad. 10. In the UK, a man who feels compelled to urinate in public can do so only if he aims for his rear wheel and keeps his right hand on his vehicle. 9. In Florida, unmarried women who parachute on Sundays can be jailed. 8. In Kentucky, it is illegal to carry a concealed weapon more than six-feet long. 7. In Chester, Welshmen are banned from entering the city before sunrise and from staying after sunset. 6. In the city of York, it is legal to murder a Scotsman within the ancient city walls, but only if he is carrying a bow and arrow. 5. In Boulder, Colorado, it is illegal to kill a bird within the city limits and also to “own” a pet – the town’s citizens, legally speaking, are merely “pet minders”. 4. In Vermont, women must obtain written permission from their husbands to wear false teeth. 3. In London, it is illegal to flag down a taxi if you have the plague. 2. In Bahrain, a male doctor may legally examine a woman’s genitals but is forbidden from looking directly at them during the examination; he may only see their reflection in a mirror. 1. The head of any dead whale found on the British coast is legally the property of the King; the tail, on the other hand, belongs to the Queen - in case she needs the bones for her corset.
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Topic:
One Too Many
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Topic:
What are you wearing?
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As it's in the high 80s here, The old birhday suit is the order of the day.
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Topic:
My thought for the day
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or in the Mother in Laws coffee.
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Topic:
Two baby carriages
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Topic:
Two baby carriages
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Topic:
18 bottles of whisky
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I had 18 bottles of whisky in my cellar, and was told by my wife to empty the contents of each and every bottle down the sink, or else!!! I said I would, and I proceeded with the unpleasant task. I withdrew the cork from the first bottle and poured the contents down the sink, with the exception of one glass, which I drank. I then withdrew the cork from the third bottle, and poured the whisky down the sink, which I drank. I pulled the cork from the fourth bottle down the sink and poured the bottle down the glass, which I drank. I pulled the bottle from the cork of the next, and drunk one sink out of it, and threw the rest down the glass. I pulled the sink out of the next glass and poured the cork down the bottle. Then, I corked the sink with the glass, bottled the drink, and drank the pour. When I had everything emptied, I steadied the house with one hand, counted the glasses, corks, bottles, and sink with the other, which were 29, and as the house came by, I counted them again, and finally had all the houses in one bottle, which I drank. I am not under the affluence of incohol as some tinkle peep I am. I am not half as thunk as you might drink. I fool so feelish. I don’t know who are me, and the drunker I stand here, the longer I get.
Cheers 
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