"A fart is just your arse applauding."🤣🤣

Have you heard of the Mars Bar Diet? It's a good way to stay fit, so I've been told. You don't eat the Mars bar, you stick it up your arse and let a Rottweiler chase you!

Funny Larsson71 .

Thank you🤣🤣

He slid into bed, kissed his wife on the cheek and fell into a deep sleep...
He awoke before the Pearly Gates...
St Peter said, "You died in your sleep, Ralph"...
Ralph was stunned, "I'm dead...? No, I can't be! I've got too much to live for. Send me back"...
St Peter said, "Hmm, perhaps that could be arranged. It does involves a lot of paperwork but sure. You've got two alternatives, you can come back as a fish or as a hen"...
Ralph never liked swimming, and thought that perhaps being a hen wouldn't be that bad after all. Walking around pecking at the ground, no stress, and if the local rooster was nice then perhaps it could be a comfortable existence...
Ralph replied, "Okay, then I choose to be a hen"...
The next thing he knew, he was covered with feathers, clucking, and pecking the ground...
A rooster strolled past. "So, you're the new hen, eh...? How's your first day here"...?
"Not bad" replied Ralph the hen, "but I have this strange feeling inside. Like I'm gonna explode"...
"You're ovulating" explained the rooster...
"Don't tell me you've never laid an egg before"...?
"Never" said Ralph...
"Well, just cluck twice and then push"...
Ralph clucked twice and pushed, and voila, out popped an egg...
Ralph was overcome with emotion as he experienced motherhood for the first time. He then clucked twice, pushed, and out came another egg. His joy was overwhelming...
As he was about to lay his third egg, he felt a smack on the back of his head, and heard his wife shout, "Dammit, Ralph! Wake up. You're shitting the bed"...

Funny Apple Love .

I get claustrophobic easily and I don’t get why aeroplane toilets don’t have windows? I mean it’s not as if anyone can see in? Unless of course you are the most determined pervert in the world? 🤷🤣🤣

Not Everyone can Read this:

fi yuo cna raed tihs , yuo hvae a sgtrane mnid too.i cdnoult blveiee taht i cluod autlcaly uesdnatnrd waht i was rdanieg.
The phanomneal pweor of the hmuan mnid,
Aoccdrnig to a rschearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it deosn’t mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltteer be at the rghit pclae. The rset can be a toatl mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit porbelm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe.
Azaming huh? Yaeh and i awlyas tghuhot spleilng was ipmortant , if you can read tihs yuo haev a hghi IQ
Cna yuo raed tihs?
Only 55 plepoe out of 100 can.

ctto

```An attractive young woman on a flight from Ireland asked the Priest beside her, 'Father, may I ask you a favor ?

'Of course child, What may I do for you?'

'Well, I bought for my mother an expensive hair dryer for her birthday. It is unopened but well over the Customs limits and I am afraid they will confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through customs for me? Hide it under your robes perhaps ?

'I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you, I will not lie.'

"With your face, Father, no one will question you"

When they got to Customs, she let the priest go first. The official asked,
"Father, do you have anything to declare?"

"From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare.."

The official thought this answer strange, so asked, "And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?"

"I have a marvelous Instrument designed to be used on a woman,
but which is, to date, unused.."

Roaring with laughter, the official said,
"Go ahead, Father.
Next Please..."```
✌ 🤣

Funny Apple Love .

A little boy and a little girl attended the same school and became friends.. Every day they would sit together to eat their lunch. They discovered that they both brought chicken sandwiches every day! This went on all through the fourth and fifth grades, until one day he noticed that her sandwich wasn't a chicken sandwich.

He said, 'Hey, how come you're not eating chicken, don't you like it anymore?'

She said 'I love it but I have to stop eating it.'

'Why?' he asked.

She pointed to her lap and said 'Cause I'm starting to grow little feathers down there!'

'Let me see' he said.

'Okay' and she showed him.. He looked and said, 'That's right.You are! Better not eat any more chicken.'

He kept eating his chicken sandwiches until one day he brought peanut butter. He said to the little girl,

'I have to stop eating chicken sandwiches, I'm starting to get feathers down there too!' She asked if she could look, so he showed her!

She said, 'Oh, my God, it's too late for you!

You've already got the NECK and GIZZARDS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!.🤣

Too funny Apple Love .

A young woman brings home her fiance to meet her parents. After dinner, her mother tells her father to find out more about the young man. The father invites the fiance to his study to find out more about him.
"So what are your plans?" the father asks.
"I am a bible scholar" the young man replies.
"A bible scholar, huh", the father says. "Admirable, but what will you do to provide a nice home for my daughter to live in, as she is used to having?"
The young man replies, "I will study & God will provide for us."
"And how will you buy her a beautiful engagement ring, which she deserves?" asks the father.
"I will concentrate on my studies & God will provide for us," replies the young man.
The conversation proceeds in this manner, which each question the father asks, the young man replies that God will provide.
Later, the mother asks, "How did the conversation go?"

The father answers:-
"He has no job & no plans, but the good news is that he thinks I am God."

Murphy showed up at Mass one Sunday and the priest almost fell down when he saw him.
He'd never been to church in his life. After Mass, the priest caught up with him an said, " Murphy, I am so glad ya decided to come to Mass. What made ya come"...?
Murphy said, "I got to be honest with you Father, a while back, I misplaced my hat and I really, really love that hat. I know that McGlynn had a hat just like mine and I knew he came to church every Sunday. I also knew that he had to take off his hat during Mass and figured he would leave it in the back of the church. So, I was going to leave after Communion and steal McGlynn's hat"...
The priest said, " Well, Murphy, I notice that ya didn't steal McGlynn's hat.
What changed your mind"...?
Murphy replied, " Well, after I heard your sermon on the 10 Commandments I decided that I didn't need to steal McGlynn's hat after all".....
With a tear in his eye the priest gave Murphy a big smile and said; "After I talked about 'Thou Shalt Not Steal' ya decided you would rather do without your hat than burn in hell, eh"...?
Murphy slowly shook his head. "No, Father, after ya talked about 'Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery' I remembered where I left my hat".....

Funny Apple Love . I tell a similar joke involving a Baptist and Methodist minister and a bike.

yes Julie,i remembered that...hilarious

A man walks into a bar with a paper bag in his hand. He sits down and places the bag on the counter. The bartender walks up and asks what’s in the bag? The man reaches into the bag and pulls out a little man of about 12inches in height,and sets him on the counter. He reaches back into the bag and pulls out a small piano, setting on the counter as well. He reaches back into the bag and pulls out a tiny piano bench. The little man sits at the piano and starts playing a beautiful piece by Mozart. “ Where on earth did you get that,”asked the surprised bartender. The man responds by reaching into the paper bag. This time he pulls out a magic lamp. He hands it to the bartender and says, “ Here. Rub it.” So the bartender rubs the lamp ,and suddenly there’s a gust of smoke and a beautiful genie is standing before him. “ I will grant you one wish. But just one.” The bartender gets real excited and without hesitation he says, “ I want a million bucks.” A few moments later ,a duck walks into the bar. Another duck,then another soon follow it. Pretty soon the entire bar is filled with ducks and they keep coming. The bartender turns to the man and says,” You know, I think your genie is a little deaf. I asked for a million bucks not a million ducks.” The man replies” Do you really think that I asked for a 12 inch pianist?” 🤣

I trri mai bst bt cudent vil trri agan leter..

A very large woman, wearing a sleeveless sun dress, walked into a bar.
She raised her right arm, revealing a huge, hairy armpit as she pointed to all the people sitting at the bar and asked, "What man here will buy a lady a drink?
The bar went silent as the patrons tried to ignore her. But down at the end of the bar, a bleary-eyed, dissipated drunk slammed his hand down on the counter and bellowed, "Give the ballerina a drink!"
The bartender poured her a large drink and the woman chugged it down in record time.
She turned to the patrons and again pointed around at all of them, revealing the same hairy armpit, and asked, "What man here will buy a lady a drink?"
Once again, the same little drunk slapped his money down on the bar and said, "Give the ballerina another drink!"
Yet again she chugged it down in record time before turning around to the patrons for the third time with the same request.
And yet again the little drunk chap at the end of the bar pulled out his money and said “Give the ballerina a drink!”
At this the bartender approached the little drunk and said, "Look mate, it's your business if you want to buy the lady a drink, but why do you keep calling her the ballerina?"
The drunk looked him in the eye and replied, "Any woman who can lift her leg that high has GOT TO BE a ballerina!