Undatable?

Some say it's a matter of feeling good about yourself... but is it really?

After staying in a cocoon/off the market for a while for whatever reason it may have been you decide to begin taking a risk and mingling.

You meet a few and for whatever reason... Either he feels that spark and you don't, or you feel the spark and he doesn't.

He can be a really nice confident man yet you still don't feel it with him.

You could be glowing and alive, but he doesn't feel it with you.

This seems to be my life story over the last year or so... I just wondered if anyone else has had that feeling of being "undatable"?

I'm not giving up, actually when I think about it I really haven't put myself out there. I've let everyone know I'm not interested in dating right now, so maybe that's a factor ... Putting out energy that I'm unavailable?

Hmmm... So if I were to truly enter the dating arena again, maybe that would make a difference in my attracting someone who feels that spark and sparks my interest as well?

Oh... BTW... Yes, this is my passive way of saying I'm ready to let a man in my life again

At various times, I have felt undateable.
And, I am sure there are many, including some
on this very site, who would declare me absolutely
undateable.

Hell! I wondered for the longest time, if my picker was
broken.
(stop giggling. I said 'picker'.)


Yanno that feelin' ya get, when you're sittin' on a bar stool,
and it starts to tip over backwards? And, ya catch yourself
just before ya fall?

Yeah... I kinda feel like that, all the time.



Relax, you'll find your place in the world of romance again.

I know that feeling, had my first gf when I was almost 30. Sexual stuff I mean and it was horrible. Got married after I moved to Ireland and it was horrible.

But I don't really feel bad about myself. I know, I am not perfect, but still, I have lots to offer. Some don't see it, but I am not putting the blame on me. People are different, so are their choices.

Just the thought of starting to date again gives me the heebie jeebies.

Cranky Geezer's post about the "friendship zone" comes to mind and I wonder if that's what I will end up remaining in for the rest of my life.

Sounds silly I suppose, and I am truly grateful for the friendships I've had and still have... But it's not the same as having someone to hold, kiss, and go play in the snow with and curl up in front of the fire afterwards drinking hot cocoa.

I'm thinking I'm not much different than others... I don't like rejection. And those dreaded words "I just want to be friends" feels so horrible, even though they are actually really cool words because if no one wants to be friends with you, then chances are no one will want to be your lover either... That right there gives hope for more some day when the time is right.

For today I am grateful that I am worthy of being someone's friend :)

Thanks for sharing Rock, it's good to know I'm not the only one who's felt that way.

And I totally identify with the thought that my "picker" is broke, lol

Thanks Delightful. What you said makes a lot of sense. When my self esteem was low I did attract men who weren't nice and those relationships didn't go well.

I took time off over the last couple years to heal. The last year was more about getting back to me and embracing my independence.

Then, I met a couple men that I had those tingling feelings with and thought "okay, maybe"... but I was still projecting that I'm not interested in settling down or a serious relationship....

Hence the reaction from them... "I just want to be friends"... Bingo! I was projecting friendship mostly and met men who were interested in friendship... Silly me!

I'm kidding. It does make total sense though, it wasn't that I was undatable... it was that I was not wanting to date, in my heart.

Thanks Larsi for sharing. Sorry things went poorly for you.

For 4 1/2 years after my divorce I was highly undateable.
Desire interruptus.
I could hardly tell a man from a woman so little was I interested.
Then one day in the supermarket, clear across a wide space I saw
a guy stocking shelves and I said to myself 'Niiiiice.'

Wow what a moment..to get it all back..desire, need, want..back
on the horse!

It will happen.

Not really. There were times I felt frustrated that the "magic" would not happen again. However, I like meeting people, messing about, having laughs and whatever. I don't worry about where things are going or how much a woman likes me. I just try to stay centered in the moment and enjoy what I'm doing. I cannot control someone's response to me. It doesn't damage my self-esteem if she thinks I'm an idiot. I probably am sometimes.

Many of you put a lot of pressure on yourselves and expectations on the people you meet. I guess I'm not wired that way.

We all face same, or similar challenges in
life. Yet, we always tend to feel isolated
when confronted by those challenges.

We'll be your friend, River.
You accept us for our weirdness.
We accept you for yours.

That's how it was for me in the face to face world. The couple I got tingly feelings with were online, hadn't met them.

I wouldn't even look, just had no desire. I had my online fantasy and that was good enough and safe. Then when I was going for a walk on Mackinac Island where I worked, the stagecoach guy caught my attention. I agreed to a date night... of which I cut really short, lol

But it did open me back up to those feelings of.. desire, need, want, and longing for a man in my life again.

Guess that's where it all begins!

Thanks soufie :)

Thanks Geezer, I like how you see things. I agree with what you said about putting a lot of pressure on ourselves and others. If we all could learn to live in the moment and not project into the future, I believe we would feel so much better and our relationships would be a lot simpler.

Like I said in your thread, my ego gets in the way. Once I set aside my ego, I can embrace and feel grateful for the friendship. I don't get upset or offended if someone doesn't love broccoli, so I shouldn't get offended if someone doesn't love me... it's an individual thing and I have no control over how others feel.

Awww thanks Rock, that's so sweet... I knew I was in the right place

Seriously though, thanks!

Ty for your kind words

Whenever I feel, somebody is worth it, I will open my heart again. So not everything is bleak

You're welcome. The only important exception to this in my life was when I was married with young children. It would have been selfish to be completely centered in the moment at that point in our lives. I digress. This has nothing to do with dating. I'm just sharing my thoughts.

You're welcome, and that's cool Larsi. So I take it you feel you're datable, just waiting for that special one to ask out?

For much of my life, I have felt as if *others* considered me undateable. It has been a constant struggle that I have trouble wrapping my mind around.

However, I've never actually thought of *myself* as being undateable. I've come to believe that I'm just meeting the wrong people. Sure, I have things that I still need to work on, but so does everyone else. Nobody is - or ever will be - perfect. We can do our best, and that includes becoming a person, better friend, better lover, etc. Too many people don't even bother trying to do that. I do, therefore I need someone who does also. Otherwise there will be constant conflict.

As for you, River, you are NOT undateable. Heck, I'll admit that I've considered the possibility. Only 2 obstacles have prevented me from trying:

1) My irrational aversion to dating older women - which is something I'm working on overcoming.

2) Distance - My sense has been that you wouldn't be comfortable with an LDR. If true, then as Cranky says, you'll need to recognize everyday opportunities.

Personally, when it comes to my own hangups, Cranky has helped a lot with getting me to understand certain concepts, not just in the thread he created, but through various forum posts too.

In the end though, River, have faith in yourself. As always, I wish you the best of luck.

Did I mention that emotionally I'm ten years younger than my birth age, and have suitcase, will travel

Thank you Action, that's really sweet and I would definitely go on a real date with you, if the circumstances were different.

I'm not opposed to LDR's, unless they stay that way. I am actually in the position of relocating whenever I so desire. My journey over the next year or two is to travel by doing seasonal work in different areas that offers housing.

The home in Florida has been unlivable so technically I've been homeless. My niece, her husband, and children need the home right now to live in and are fixing it up. I still have the "family" property down there as a place to go if I want to live communally with my nieces (the other niece is living in the other trailer). An efficiency will be built for when I come down to visit or stay... I'm choosing not to at this time.

So when would you like me to move in?

Kidding! Really, I'm kidding!

That's what is so great about the seasonal work. If I were to meet someone online, I could find seasonal work with housing within an hour or two from where he lives, and that would give us a chance to get to know each other better.

Thank you River for posting this.

I’ve only been back to wanting to date for less than a year. I hate dating sites but I live in a small town now so it’s my only option. I definitely feel undateable especially recently. I’ve had men cancel their coffee date with me even after they seemed to show a lot of interest. I was beginning to wonder what was going on.

I do keep my eyes open when I’m out and I make eye contact with anyone I find attractive. There aren’t many opportunities for that. It seems that the men I chat with don’t want to take the next step to meet in person. That has me baffled. We make plans and they cancel.

I’m just confused about the dating world. I have been out of it for many years. I know I’m a good person and have a lot to offer. Nobody else seems to see that.

Exactly. But I don't force anything, nor do I expect anything. Patience is the key