If you had asked me two months ago, I would have said NEVER!

But now I am undatatable because who would date a very sick person?
"Not I," said the cow. "Not I," said the duck. "Not I," said the pig. "Not I," said the goose.

That's ok, I had my share of romance.

The last few months I've been having issues with my muscles. At times it seems to get better and I'm hoping it's not something progressive, though I'd have to see a neurologist to know for sure and I haven't done so yet.
I believe it's mostly stress, gaining weight, low sodium, and stress... and more stress, I'm full of stress these days.

When the pain was at it's worst, on the Island this past summer, I wondered what would happen if I became disabled to the point of not being able to care for myself. Thoughts of "who would want me" rampaged through my mind. It was a horrible feeling but then I remembered people I've seen in the real world who found love despite the odds. And I also remembered it wasn't as if I never had love before, so be grateful for that.

I do hope and pray that if that were ever to happen to me, that I handle it with as much grace as you are rosie... you're a beautiful and awesome lady... I admire your strength!

I've been working on it. I was much much worse 25 years ago.
I was worse 15 years ago too. I've gotten much better over the years.
Unfortunately, I've recently found I still have more to do.

So now I'm ready to try something different.

When I returned back in September, I wasn't really looking to meet anyone here. Then when an opportunity popped up, I really wasn't prepared. It caught me off-guard, and I ended up getting caught up in the moment. Everything began on the wrong foot.

Now I'm trying to step back to take a breather. Get myself back on track. If nothing else, I learned a few things. Now it's time to work on them. So I'm not looking to rush into anything right now.

Personally, I would much rather do the friends first thing. I just haven't had good luck with it thus far, mainly because I haven't had very many close female friends offline. Those that I have had were already married or much too young (as in, as an adult I actually knew them since they were teens and watched them become adults). Other than that, I had a lot of much younger female acquaintances because of the work I used to do, but they were never anything closer than that. So apparently, once again, I just haven't been meeting the right type of women yet. Maybe that will change as I settle in here with my new apartment.

I have faith things will improve.

@Action... Me thinks you think too much... I can identify with that. Someone once told me to quit "mind screwing things to death"

Well, you've got a friend in me. And perhaps together we can learn to relax and just go with the flow... as Geezer suggests. I think it's really good advice!

Here's to having faith

No need to,start off on either foot... Start off with wit and a sense of fun. Smile and banter. You say you're not meeting the right type of woman. I'll bite. When you meet her what's going to make her want to stick around?

oh river, I'm sorry you are full of stress these days. Go see a neurologist right away. I had not seen a doctor for a long time because I felt fine and I thought I was healthy haha. Boy was I wrong! so don't be like me, see a doctor as soon as you can.

thank you for your kind words, river. You're pretty awesome yourself

Oo Oo I know... make her laugh

Great points Geezer... I tend to be more on the serious side myself, and that right there most likely chases the men away.

Laugh, keep it simple and light, smile and be playful...



I'll keep practicing

I absolutely don't have a problem knowing that I will NEVER date or fig, or any type of any kind of relationship ever again. Glad it's long over, and far away. It's an impossibility anyway. The Sahara desert saw to that. Nobody can approach my place of sleep without dying. It hasn't happened on American soil, and I won't let it. Because I'm sleeping during, I can't possibly stop what I do. It's best for me to be locked away from others during this down time. No, it's NOT PTSD. It's just built in self defense would be the best definition from years in hostile areas is my best guess. Yes it would be unwise to consider.... "cuddling"

In real life, I generally do make my friends laugh. It wasn't always that way though. Long boring story there.

The important part is that for the past several years I've had too much time on my hands. When I have too much time, I tend to think too much. When I'm busy, I have less time to dwell on things. It's only been about a month since I began working full-time again. Despite my schedule the last few weeks, I still have a bit too much time (work has several hours of slow time). When I get my car at the end of this week, I'll be able to start filling in more of my off-work time again. That includes spending more time with friends. Basically, I haven't been able to have much fun the past few years. The car will place me in a position to change that.

Anyway, I don't want to ramble. I just have had to put several facets of life on hold. I have a list things I want to start doing again once I have the car. And if finances allow, I may join a gym. I want to drop 30 lbs. It doesn't come off as easy as it did 5 years ago, so I need to work harder at it now.

Keep in mind, I was homeless just over 2 years ago. I'm still rebuilding my life. That's pretty stressful by itself.

Darkowl, if it's not PTSD then how come it's not manageable? Would the military be willing to deprogram you?

Or do you prefer to be locked away?

You could still date, you'd just have to find someone who would be okay with sleeping in a different room with a bolted door.

Seems horrible to me, but you seem to be okay with it and glad about it, so that's all that matters.

Thanks for sharing

What kind of fun things are on your list Action?

Well...

I want to go to a few museums and galleries that I haven't been able to visit for awhile.

I want to do some hiking again, going to various state parks.

I want to try out various restaurants that I've never visited before.

I want to start going to the movie theater again (something my friends and I always used to make an outing of every few months).

There are a few shows and concerts I'd like to see. Between work, finance, and transportation, I haven't been to do them. The Palace Theater in the city I'm in is expensive but really nice. They get some really good shows, so I'd like to go there at least once.

I'd like to do more of the recreational activities during the Arts & Ideas Festival in New Haven.

I have a friend in Maine that I would like to visit. I also have a few closer friends I'd like to visit, but they are still an hour's drive away.

I want to explore the area I live now because I'm not from here originally. I'm from a different part of the state.

I'd like to take some classes to finish my college degree. I actually like learning. For me, it actually is fun.

I'd like to participate more with the American Red Cross.

I'd like to start taking Tai Chi again. Once my body gets conditioned, I'd like to try some other martial arts, perhaps get back into Judo.

I'm sure there's plenty more that I'm forgetting. I wish there were more symphony and chamber music concerts around here, but they've cut way back due to budget constraints.

Oh....when finances allow, I'd like to go around to various antique shops. I like old stuff. It would be nice to get a few cool antique items, just because I like having them around to look at.

Thank you rosie and you're welcome I will. I did go to the hospital yesterday and they did blood work. It was all fine, except I have the flu. So that at least was good news. The doctor there is the one who suggested seeing a neurologist if my symptoms persist.

That's quite a list, lol

Maybe one a week?

That was one of the things I began doing when I started seasonal work and travel, starting doing activities, once a week to start with. Over the last year I've learned cross country skiing, gone horseback riding, dog sledding, went for a sleighride, took out a horse and buggy, went tubing behind a boat, walked on the beach holding hands, and ventured through 600 miles of territory over a three day time span, toured Boston, and much more... it's good to get out and do things

Hope you start tackling that list soon

Looking back over the last year and the different things I was able to experience and do, I feel grateful for and am happy I got to do things. A lot of the stuff I did was by myself, and that was actually okay... I had fun and enjoyed what I was doing.

I also got the chance to share some of those experiences with others... some with family and others with a friend.

What I discovered was that the shared experience was far more rewarding than anything I did alone. Even though I was okay and had fun alone, it wasn't nearly as fun when I had someone to share it with.

That shared experience gave me a more intense feeling of wanting someone in my life... I guess I'm not so much in a hurry to have all the romance and gaga stuff... well, maybe a little

When I was visiting my son and daughter-in-law it was precious to see them so in love and also just having fun. I miss that.. the having fun part, and yeah the kissing too, and cuddling by the fire, and the giggling.

Just a little rambling before I drift off to lala land and dream about happy things... Goodnight y'all

Actually, I found this out years ago. I tried to do much of what I like by myself. It just wasn't any fun. Without someone to share it with, I just couldn't enjoy it.

That's partly why I began joining dating sites.

G'night, River.

Felt 'undateable' ... sure, many times.
I also know I am really weird.
I also know I'm a POS.
I'm okay with that.

My health doesn't allow me to do much anymore but, when I do find a date, they are usually good experiences until she can't deal with my health limitations.

As for dates, I don't do dates, I just hang out with a woman and sometimes we go do things together while we are hanging out.
I haven't been on a "date" for almost 40 years now, not since high school.

It is difficult, much has to do with a mindset shift.
Feeling good and happy about life and about yourself, enjoying life. Basically being in the mindset where you do things, have fun, are actively undertaking things either at home or outdoors or both.

For most there's a fear-based mentality. Fear of never finding him/her, never finding love again. From there feelings of not being good enough can easily come up. Stress. Age, health, or money issues.
While all we have to do is be happy and enjoy life.
Love is only ONE message away. Which does mean you have to be 'foundable'. If you're not out there and aren't to be found online either it's going to be very difficult for love to find you.

Yet, in spite of all that, in spite of all the stuff I know about dating and relationships and so on, I still can't get into the right mindset. Sometimes yes, but not continuously. And then I sometimes also begin to think that I won't ever find love again.
I can't even seem to get a date? That doesn't do much for my self-esteem either, haha. Couple years ago when I was still recovering from an a-hole ex I could easily get dates. Not the right ones for me, okay, but still.

Oh well... I'm finding it difficult at the mo with everything to be honest. I've lost my passion for most everything. The practice I was building, I haven't painted in a while either.
Somewhere around mid-June I just lost my drive for things. Not that desperate but more like "Is this REALLY what I want?" and I still don't know the answer to that question.
Big issue is my neck injury. It's hindering me quite a lot. That's cos I was doing a lot of card readings, and it P me O that I can't do what I like to do, cos that's what I DO like; the readings.
So I feel a bit lost. Now what? And I don't know.
Not really a surprise that my love life isn't working out either. And then on top of that I start to worry about my age. I'm 52.
I'm gonna go listen to Abe Hicks to change mindset, haha

Crystal, my heart goes out to you and at the same time holy cow I can relate much of what you said.

In spite of all that I know, have learned, practiced, and even trained for in my field of psychology... I too cannot consistently stay in that mindset. And yes, it does play a toll on one's self esteem from time to time. Getting back up from those little down falls takes more and more courage each time... The fact that you and I do get back up, that right there shows that we are very strong woman

So why the heck can't these men see that, hah

I believe the Universe has given me one more little hurdle to jump. I feel lovable when I am healthy and strong! I feel lovable when I am empowered! I feel lovable when!... when!... when!...

The consistency will come into action when I feel lovable despite this or that... Even though I am in pain!... Even though I am emotionally driven at times! Even though I could walk outside and get hit by a car crippling me for life!... Even I sometimes am needy!... Even though I'm sometimes scared.... I am still lovable and dateable!

Up until now, I have not felt lovable unless I was at my best. I believe with women who have been abused it's much harder to allow ourselves to be vulnerable again no matter how much self empowerment work we do. Not feeling up to par, being sick, being in pain, having a down day... all those things cause us to feel vulnerable... And when that happens suddenly the wall of protection and survival at all costs mode pops up and around are hearts... causing us to no longer be available or open to love.

Balance, true balance that will create the consistency will require allowing those walls to come down and allowing ourselves to be vulnerable when we feel all broken up as well as fully empowered women. When we feel dateable despite of... I believe that's when it will happen.

Reminds me of the movie I watched on one of my flights, "I Feel Pretty"... She was a real eye sore, but when she fell down and bumped her head she woke up and suddenly believed she was drop dead gorgeous... Everyone else still saw the eye sore, but not her... she saw beauty, even in a bikini, lol. What ended up happening is that everyone else began to see the beauty as well. They saw past her imperfections and saw the real person. Beautiful movie!

I say we need to just get out the club and bump our heads... it just might work, hahaha

Here's to new beginnings and fun dates in both our near futures

I'm normally okay with "hanging out" and going to do things once in a while.

I would like to experience actual dating though. I want to be fussed over and get those butterflies in the belly feeling. Then we can go hang out.

I told myself that I'm past all that, got to do that when I was younger... But no I didn't, lol. I didn't have a normal upbringing or introduction into adulthood. My childhood was very dysfunctional and my introduction to adulthood was equally traumatizing. It took many years of recovery to get to a somewhat normal middle adulthood life.

So yes... I want to relive those years I lost and be that silly teenager/young adult again and go on a date... A pamper me silly date! With a man, not just at the spa

Thanks for sharing Tom I hope someday you meet the one that sticks around through the tough times too.