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| Topic: Why does a relationship have to be going someplace? | |
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Hiya Leigh!
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Hiya Leigh!
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Hiya Leigh!
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Here's one that hasn't been covered...MAYBE  the women in question pose the question as a WAY to create an argument big enough and bad enough to end the relationship without saying something like this, "You are a total jerkoff, thank GUD I found out before I made a serious commitment to you!" I've heard creating an argument is a good way to end a relationship that is going nowhere....
I'd accept that argument if she actually left afterward. The reason she is creating a point of contingency is her belief (and hope) that YOU will man up and leave silly!! 
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Hiya Leigh!
On this, STOP!!!!!!! 
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Here's one that hasn't been covered...MAYBE the women in question pose the question as a WAY to create an argument big enough and bad enough to end the relationship without saying something like this, "You are a total jerkoff, thank GUD I found out before I made a serious commitment to you!" I've heard creating an argument is a good way to end a relationship that is going nowhere....
I'd accept that argument if she actually left afterward. The reason she is creating a point of contingency is her belief (and hope) that YOU will man up and leave silly!!
On this, you were not supposed to see this!!
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Hiya Leigh!
Ahahaha! I'm sorry, I didn't know you were around 
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Hiya Leigh!
Ahahaha! I'm sorry, I didn't know you were around
Pssst..... John!!.... I think he left!! 
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Perhaps these women aren't mature enough to accept what you are saying. As for fault; why would you care if she blames you or not? Again; it sounds like that a woman is pretty immature if she blames you for the relationship ending if she doesn't get what she wants. Sounds like a child throwing a tantrum if you ask me. Again; no one on this site can answer your question as to what the woman you are dating wants. Everyone is different; everyone wants something different. Me, I would appreciate your honesty and just walk away from the relationship with no hard feelings as I have no wish to change you anymore than I would want you to change me. It's not as if we're talking about 13 year olds here. She's an adult and capable of making up her own mind. If she wants to leave, it just shows me she isn't the right girl for me. So, as you say, no hard feelings. But, if she stays, she knows what she in for and the responsibility is her own. What we get when we date much younger people are people that aren't as experienced in the complexities of a relationship. If it is one of the first experiences for them it isn't necessarily a level playing field. We've had a lot more relationships and challenges that we've dealt with. They haven't. Some people aren't as strong as others. Some people aren't as independent or able to stand on their own. I'm not to judge that. What I do feel is my responsibility is that if I seriously don't want something to progress and they do- I will cut things off for their own good. I feel that with the knowledge gained from my experiences-it's my moral responsibility to MYSELF to not let someone keep hanging around when I am probably not willing to give them what they need in the time frame they need it. It is selfish of me to keep them hanging around because I like it for the moment. If I have more inner strength than that person and if I love them I will leave them for the good of both of us. Time is precious and so is love. Neither should be squandered if you know in your heart it's not right. |
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Perhaps these women aren't mature enough to accept what you are saying. As for fault; why would you care if she blames you or not? Again; it sounds like that a woman is pretty immature if she blames you for the relationship ending if she doesn't get what she wants. Sounds like a child throwing a tantrum if you ask me. Again; no one on this site can answer your question as to what the woman you are dating wants. Everyone is different; everyone wants something different. Me, I would appreciate your honesty and just walk away from the relationship with no hard feelings as I have no wish to change you anymore than I would want you to change me. It's not as if we're talking about 13 year olds here. She's an adult and capable of making up her own mind. If she wants to leave, it just shows me she isn't the right girl for me. So, as you say, no hard feelings. But, if she stays, she knows what she in for and the responsibility is her own. What we get when we date much younger people are people that aren't as experienced in the complexities of a relationship. If it is one of the first experiences for them it isn't necessarily a level playing field. We've had a lot more relationships and challenges that we've dealt with. They haven't. Some people aren't as strong as others. Some people aren't as independent or able to stand on their own. I'm not to judge that. What I do feel is my responsibility is that if I seriously don't want something to progress and they do- I will cut things off for their own good. I feel that with the knowledge gained from my experiences-it's my moral responsibility to MYSELF to not let someone keep hanging around when I am probably not willing to give them what they need in the time frame they need it. It is selfish of me to keep them hanging around because I like it for the moment. If I have more inner strength than that person and if I love them I will leave them for the good of both of us. Time is precious and so is love. Neither should be squandered if you know in your heart it's not right. So very well said......And absolutely spot on Pam! 
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Ah, this explains a bit. It isn't a real situation, which makes sense, as you keep bringing more into it such as marriage, which wasn't in your original post. So no matter what any of us say, you'll just change it a bit and say that's not what it was about. Whatever step is being taken is irrelevant. It could moving in together, getting a dog, buying he a ring, setting a date, getting married, having children. Each step requires a life changing decision. Each step needs to be weighed carefully. What we get when we date much younger people are people that aren't as experienced in the complexities of a relationship. If it is one of the first experiences for them it isn't necessarily a level playing field. We've had a lot more relationships and challenges that we've dealt with. They haven't. Some people aren't as strong as others. Some people aren't as independent or able to stand on their own. I'm not to judge that. What I do feel is my responsibility is that if I seriously don't want something to progress and they do- I will cut things off for their own good.
I feel that with the knowledge gained from my experiences-it's my moral responsibility to MYSELF to not let someone keep hanging around when I am probably not willing to give them what they need in the time frame they need it. It is selfish of me to keep them hanging around because I like it for the moment. If I have more inner strength than that person and if I love them I will leave them for the good of both of us. Time is precious and so is love. Neither should be squandered if you know in your heart it's not right. As I have stated a number of times, she is an adult and fully able to make her own decisions. Her emotional wellbeing is her own problem. If she continued to nag me about it, I would tell her to go as I do with all nagging. I always say the same thing, "there's the door." If she isn't getting her needs met, go, please, don't let the door hit you on the way out. The world is filled with men, why waste you time with a jerk like me? But, they never leave. This is just going in circles. There is nothing new here. You ladies keep putting forward the same arguments and I have refuted them all several times now. I do want to meet someone and find a place and retire and all the rest. But, I don't want to be pushed into it in the same way a woman doesn't want to be pushed into having sex too soon. She must allow me the time I need to feel comfortable. This is why I do not break it off. I'll even give you my time table. Once we've been together five years, it's time to get a place together. Ten years and it's time to get married. As for children, I'm done with that. If she tells me she wants children, I stop having sex with her. I'm sure many will say this is unreasonable, but it's my time table and I'm holding firmly to it. |
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Edited by
SimplicityAtItsBest
on
Mon 10/22/12 01:40 PM
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Sense my divorce I've been involved with a number of women. At some point they all asked the same question. "Where is this going?" I thought things were fine just as they were. I had my space, she had hers. We saw each other when we wanted and if it was inconvenient, we didn't. I was happy and she seemed happy too. Why does it have to be going someplace? What's to be gained by getting married that a couple doesn't already have? It doesn't have to be going anywhere. It can, but there is no rule stating that there needs to be 'progress' the longer you date a person. You can date someone forever and just be content with the time you spend together and have it be as simple as that. Having a marriage certificate acknowledges the legal union between two people. It doesn't necessarily make two people 'closer.' Take a look at all of the failed marriages. People should work on their relationships and solidify what they have with one another before jumping onto the marriage bandwagon. |
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It doesn't have to be going anywhere. It can, but there is no rule stating that there needs to be 'progress' the longer you date a person. You can can date someone forever and just be content with the time you spend together and have it be as simple as that. Having a marriage certificate acknowledges the legal union between two people. It doesn't necessarily make two people 'closer.' Take a look at all of the failed marriages. People should work on their relationships and solidify what they have with one another before jumping onto the marriage bandwagon. yes, YES, YES! |
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Sense my divorce I've been involved with a number of women. At some point they all asked the same question. "Where is this going?" I thought things were fine just as they were. I had my space, she had hers. We saw each other when we wanted and if it was inconvenient, we didn't. I was happy and she seemed happy too. Why does it have to be going someplace? What's to be gained by getting married that a couple doesn't already have? I’ll admit to not having read all the responses but here’s my 2 pennies worth....for me personally, the relationship would need to go someplace because the thought of remaining stagnant in a relationship gives me the willies. I have to move forward in my life. If I looked back on the relationship six months on and saw no change, no growth, no nothing, I would be thinking that maybe he isn’t the right person for me. |
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I’ll admit to not having read all the responses but here’s my 2 pennies worth....for me personally, the relationship would need to go someplace because the thought of remaining stagnant in a relationship gives me the willies. I have to move forward in my life. If I looked back on the relationship six months on and saw no change, no growth, no nothing, I would be thinking that maybe he isn’t the right person for me. Yeah, this was covered. If one person is on a different time table than the other it doesn't mean a relationship is stagnating. |
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Sense my divorce I've been involved with a number of women. At some point they all asked the same question. "Where is this going?" I thought things were fine just as they were. I had my space, she had hers. We saw each other when we wanted and if it was inconvenient, we didn't. I was happy and she seemed happy too. Why does it have to be going someplace? What's to be gained by getting married that a couple doesn't already have? It doesn't have to be going anywhere. It can, but there is no rule stating that there needs to be 'progress' the longer you date a person. You can date someone forever and just be content with the time you spend together and have it be as simple as that. Having a marriage certificate acknowledges the legal union between two people. It doesn't necessarily make two people 'closer.' Take a look at all of the failed marriages. People should work on their relationships and solidify what they have with one another before jumping onto the marriage bandwagon. For the relationship to work, though, both people will need to be on the same page. If one doesn't want marriage and the other does, someone will end up unhappy. If one person keeps saying they're not ready for a bigger commitment and the other is, there's only so much time that someone will want to wait. If that can't be worked out, the two people are probably not right for each other. |
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Edited by
Rawrr_Girl
on
Mon 10/22/12 02:13 PM
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What's to be gained by getting married that a couple doesn't already have?
Take a look at all of the failed marriages. Good point :) Sometimes it makes you wonder what those failed marriages were based on. If you have been with someone for lots of years that you know them well enough, why would getting married even need to happen? If you've both done everything together [or most things], then getting married will just be a statement. You can't possibly take the relationship any further if it's all been said and done. I also won't marry just to keep up with the Joneses, or because I just happen to be female so apparantely I should be all giddy about babies and serving meals. I like your view on this, girl. |
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For the relationship to work, though, both people will need to be on the same page. If one doesn't want marriage and the other does, someone will end up unhappy. If one person keeps saying they're not ready for a bigger commitment and the other is, there's only so much time that someone will want to wait. If that can't be worked out, the two people are probably not right for each other. We've already covered this. Either a person is commuted or they aren't. Moving in together, getting married, whatever is no guarantee of greater commitment. It all comes down to trust. Ether you trust them or you don't. If you trust them there's no need for another step. If you don't trust them taking another step is foolish. |
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I’ll admit to not having read all the responses but here’s my 2 pennies worth....for me personally, the relationship would need to go someplace because the thought of remaining stagnant in a relationship gives me the willies. I have to move forward in my life. If I looked back on the relationship six months on and saw no change, no growth, no nothing, I would be thinking that maybe he isn’t the right person for me. Yeah, this was covered. If one person is on a different time table than the other it doesn't mean a relationship is stagnating. Yeah, this is true but the "going someplace" question wouldn't have come up at all if she felt there was a possibility that the time table would synchronise (at some point). |
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Yeah, this is true but the "going someplace" question wouldn't have come up at all if she felt there was a possibility that the time table would synchronise (at some point). That's her ball. I'm honest from the get go and she knows my rules. She doesn't have to play if she doesn't want to. |
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