An icecream salesman was found dead in his van.

He was covered in hundreds and thousands.

The police reckon he topped himself.

Shouldn't be looking.

Quote:-
"With each sting, swelling increases - therefore No. of wasps in hole should not exceed 3 to 4."

In this case the HOLE in question will also swell, thus ejecting the rod. Also, I think the associated pain might be enough to quell any amorous feelings.

Would you like to experience the trial? All done in the name of science?

Paddy and Mick are on a flight from London to Dublin.

The pilot comes on the intercom, "Hello ladies and gentlemen, we are having problems with the outer port engine and we will have to shut it down. Nothing to worry about, this plane has four engines. It will mean, however, that our ETA will be half an hour later."

Paddy says to MIck, "Ah well, Mammy will just have to wait."

A short while later.

The pilot comes on the intercom, "Hello ladies and gentlemen, we are having problems with the outer starboard engine and we will have to shut it down. Nothing to worry about, this plane has four engines. It will mean, however, that our ETA will be two hours later."

Paddy says to MIck, "Ah well, Mammy will just have to wait."

A short while later.

The pilot comes on the intercom, "Hello ladies and gentlemen, we are having problems with the inner port engine and we will have to shut it down. Nothing to worry about, this plane has four engines. We will be able to continue our journey on the last remaining engine. It will mean, however, that our ETA will be five hours later."

Paddy says to MIck, "Jazuz Mick, if dat last enjun goes, we'll be up here all night."

A private plane was flying down to Acapulco with three passengers on board.

A hippy, who was on a mission to buy some of the best weed he had ever had before.

The Pope, who was on a mission to save the souls of the population of the country.

AND Bill Gates, who was on a mission to dupe some poor Mexican out of some software.

The pilot appeared in the cabin and announced that the engine had developed a fault and the plane might have to be ditched. Unfortunately, the plane only carried three parachutes.

The pilot argued that since he was to stay onboard last, that he should have one, which he lifted and went back to the cockpit.

The Pope said that because he was there to save the souls of many people he should have a parachute. On second thoughts he said that under the circumstances, the hippy should have the parachute.

Bill Gates said, that since he was the brains of the world, he should have a parachute. He jumped forward, grabbed a parachute, pulled the straps around his shoulders and jumped out through the open doorway.

The hippy turned to the Pope and said, "Here you are your Holiness, one parachute each." The Pople looked back in amazement. The hippy went on, "The Brains of the World has just jumped out of the plane, wearing my rucksack."

After a long day in court, the judge went on a bender.

He kept looking at his watch and deciding there was plenty of time to have just one more drink.

This he did about ten times, eventually leaving the bar, he staggered home.

Half way home the booze took over and he threw up all over the front of his suit.

Now he would have to think of an excuse to tell his wife when he got home.

By the time he arrived home he had sobered up sufficiently to be able to come up with a story for his wife.

He told her, "As I was leaving court this evening, a drunk man staggered out of a bar and threw up all over the front of my court clothes. A policemen nearby was able to arrest the man and I will see him in court tomorrow."

He excused himself and crawled into bed.

Next morning, as he was having toast and coffee for breakfast, his wife said, "When you see that drunk man in court today, you give him plenty. For he pooped in your underpants as well."

A newly married man asked his wife, "Would you have married me if my father hadn't left me a fortune?"

"Honey," the woman replied sweetly, "I'd have married you, NO MATTER WHO LEFT YOU A FORTUNE!"

Jews do not recognize Jesus as the Messiah.

Protestants do not recognize the Pope as the leader of the Christian faith.

Baptists do not recognize each other in the liquor store or at Hooters

1. It is important to find a man who works around the house, occasionally cooks and cleans and who has a job.

2. It is important to find a man who makes you laugh.

3. It is important to find a man who is dependable and doesn't lie.

4. It is important to find a man who's good in bed and who loves to have sex with you.

5. It is important that these four men never meet.

A Chinese couple gets married -- and she's a virgin. On the wedding night, she cowers naked under the bed sheets as her husband undresses.

He climbs in next to her and tries to be reassuring: "My darring" he says, "I know dis firs time and you berry frighten. I pomise you, I give you anyting you want, I do anyting -- jus anyting you want, you say - What you want?"

A thoughtful silence follows and he waits patiently (and eagerly) for her request. "I want numba 69" she eventually replies shyly.

More thoughtful silence, this time from him.

Eventually in a puzzled tone he asks, "You want Kung Pao Shrimp with Snow Peas?"

A lady journalist finds Tarzan in the jungle and asks him about his life with the animals.

Then she asks him about his sex life.

He replies that when things are urgent, he would find a tree with a hole in it and use that.

The journalist, finding the conversation quite arousing, strips off and points to her privates and says to Tarzan, "Wouldn't you like to try this?"

Tarzan says, "Oh yes." Then he gives the journalist a thumping kick in the groin.

She recoils in agony. "What did you do that for?"

Tarzan replies, "Me just checking for wasps."

Man says to God: 'God, why did you make woman so beautiful?'

God says: 'So you would love her.'

'But God,' the man says, 'why did you make her so dumb?'

God says: 'So she would love you.'

A man was walking along a California beach and stumbled across an old lamp. He picked it up and rubbed it and out popped a genie.

The genie said, "OK, You released me from the lamp, blah blah blah. This is the fourth time this month and I'm getting a little sick of these wishes so
you can forget about three... You only get one wish!"

The man sat, and thought about it for a while and said, "I've always wanted to go to Hawaii, but I'm scared to fly and I get very seasick. Could you build me a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over there to visit?"

The genie laughed and said, "That's impossible!!! Think of the logistics of that! How would the supports ever reach the bottom of the Pacific? Think of how much concrete -- how much steel!! No, think of another wish."

The man said "OK, I will try to think of a really good wish". Finally, he said, "I've been married and divorced four times. My wives always said that I don't care and that I'm insensitive. So, I wish that I could understand women, know how they feel inside and what they're thinking when they give me the silent treatment, know why they're crying, know what they really want when they say "nothing," know how to make them truly happy.

"The genie said, "Do you want that bridge to be two lanes or four?"

The Iraqi Ambassador to the UN has just finished giving a speech, and walks out into the lobby where he meets President Bush.

They shake hands and as they walk the Iraqi says, "You know, I have just one question about what I have seen in America."

President Bush says "Well your Excellency, anything I can do to help you, I will do."

The Iraqi whispers "My son watches this show 'Star Trek' and in it there are Russians, and Blacks, Asians, and Americans, but never any Iraqis. He is very upset. He doesn't understand why there are never any Iraqis in Star Trek."

President Bush laughs and leans toward the Iraqi, and whispers back, "It's because it takes place in the future...."

When the King's ship hit the rocks, the king and his jester were flung clear and landed safely on a beach of golden sand. Unfortunately the rest of the crew and passengers perished. After a short while, the two survivors realised that they were on a smallish island. The king, a real ladies man, sent his jester out to scour the island for females. He went to the north of the island and returned to his king to report, "Nothing there my liege." The king sent the jester out again to search the west and south of the island. Again, he came back with negative results. By the end of the month, the king was at his wit's end.

Two married buddies are out drinking one night when one turns to the other and says, "You know, I don't know what else to do. Whenever I go home after we've been out drinking, I turn the headlights off before I get to the driveway. I shut off the engine and coast into the garage. I take my shoes off before I go into the house, I sneak up the stairs, I get undressed in the bathroom. I ease into bed and my wife STILL wakes up and yells at me for staying out so
late!" His buddy looks at him and says, "Well, you're obviously taking the wrong approach. I screech into the driveway, slam the door, storm up the steps, throw my shoes into the closet, jump into bed, slap her on the butt and say, 'You as horny as I am?' and, she always acts like she's sound asleep!"

WHO'S COLOURED?

When I born, I black
When I grow up, I black
When I go in sun, I black
When I cold, I black
When I scared, I black
When I sick, I black
When I die, I still black.

You white folks......
When you born, you pink
When you grow up, you white
When you go in sun, you red
When you cold, you blue
When you scared, you yellow
When you sick, you green
And when you die, you grey.
So who you calling coloured?

This joke is primarily for residents of the UK, but for American visitors, please substitute the word JAM with JELLY.

At a family get-together my nephew took me aside and asked me for advice. I said, "Sure go ahead".

He said, "Uncle, I am having trouble putting my penis where it is supposed to go, with my wife Gail".

I told him, "There is nothing to worry about, Run down to the pharmacy and buy a jar of vaseline. When you get it home, scoop out the vaseline and put it into a jam jar. Then you can keep it, no lid required, in the cupboard beside the bed. When the occasion arises, all you do is take the jar out of the cupboard, single handed, and twist the contents all over your penis and you'll have no more problems".

I could see that my words had caused my nephew to be quizzicle. He said, "Really, uncle, can you get your penis into a jam jar?"

My girlfriend is so big, it doesn't matter where you're sitting in the room, you're sitting next to her.

Just my sense of humour.