"Do you want a SCREWDRIVER?", said the lady bartender.

"No thanks", said the guy. "I have to get the bus back to the garage."

Teacher says to class, "Who can give me a sentence with the word contagious in it?" "Yes, Mary. Have you got one?" "Yes miss", says Mary. "Jimmy, down our road, has measles and my mum says it is very contagious." "That's very good", says the teacher, "Anybody else? Yes Siobhan, go ahead". Siobhan says, "I heard on the news that said that the latest corona virus is very contagious." "That's very good. Anybody else? Oh, right, Johnny. Have you got one for us?" "Yes miss", says Johnny. "OK, go ahead", says the teacher. Johnny says, "When we were having dinner last night, my mum said that the man next door said he was going to paint the front of his house with a two inch brush. My dad said that it would take the contagious."

Woman says to her doctor, "Every time I have $ex, it makes my toes curl."

Doctor replied, "You should try it, completely naked. Either that, or cut a hole in your tights."

In Ireland, in a little known village in the country, is a "Wishing Pub". An American tourist happened on it by accident. He went in and looked around. The place was quite dark and he could hear a piano playing. As his eyes became used to the dim light, he could make out another door in the pub, obviously the public bar. He wandered in and immediately noticed the piano and unbelievably a tiny pianist about a foot tall was running up and down a piano stool as he played the piano. His playing was pretty good under the circumstances. The tourist, now able to see more clearly, noticed that there was now a barman behind the bar. So, he walked over and introduced himself. He asked the barman why the pub was called a wishing pub. The barman explained that, if you buy a drink and make a toast to the Leprechauns, then you can make a wish. So the American ordered a drink and raised his glass and said, "Here's to the Leprechauns" then took a swig from his glass. The barman said to him, "Now you can make your wish". So, the American wished, "I'd like to have a thousand bucks". There was a rushing noise, then a flapping noise and then a quacking noise and the next thing the bar was filled with a thousand DUCKS, on every surface in the bar. The American looked at the barman and said, "But, I wished for a thousand bucks". The barman replied, "You don't think I wished for a 12inch pianist, do you?"

When I was starting out as a private pathologist, I thought that I had found the mass grave of thousands of snowmen.

It turned out to be a field of carrots.

Most of my jokes come from YouTube. Search for "Stand-up comedy UK"

If you like it rude, then Sarah Millican, or Jo Brand.

If you like it dry and intelligent, then Sean Lock (RIP).

OR totally off the wall, then Milton Jones.

She said to the shopkeeper, "Are these knickers satin?"

"No", said the shopkeeper, "They are brand new. Straight from the factory."

Teacher to sixth form class.

"Harris. What do you think of Dickens?"

Student's reply.

"Dunno Sir. Never been to one."










Think of it along the lines of "SIT-INS".

As I was driving down the motorway, I glanced in my rear view mirror.

I couldn't believe my eyes.

There was what looked like a three legged chicken racing up behind my car.

Unbelievidly, I pulled into the inside lane to see if it passed me.

It did.

AND yes, it did have three legs.

I chased after it.

30 mph and accelerating.

I followed.

45 mph and accelerating.

I followed.

I was slipping behind as the chicken raced ahead.

Just before it hit 70 mph it shot up a slip road and disappeared through a farm gateway.

I was so curious, I followed.

On entering the farmyard, I noticed that there were other three legged chickens walking about.

So, I knew I was in the right place.

Being a curious type of person |I looked about for someone to ask about these strange birds.

What I assumed to be a farm hand appeared pushing a barrow and I asked him about these three legged birds.

"Oh yes, sir, that be right. We breed all o' them, right here on this farm."

I asked, "What made you breed a chicken with an extra leg?"

He replied, "Ah well, sir, that be the crux of the matter. You see, I likes a leg, my wife likes a leg and my son, he also likes a leg. So circumstances decided it for me. So I bred a bird with an extra leg."

My curiousity was still driving me on. I asked, "So, what do they taste like?"

"Dunno sir. Can't catch the blighters."

Jane, working for a $ex magazine, went to Africa to interview a wild man called, "Tarzan".

After much searching and money passing hands, she was able to meet him.

Getting straight to the point she asked him what he did for $ex.

He explained that he would find a tree with a hole in it and use that to satisfy his needs.

During the interview, Jane became aroused, with talking about $ex and began to loosen her clothes.

Tarzan watched with interest.

Jane, pointing down to her genital area, asked Tarzan if he would like to try the real thing.

Tarzan replied instantly in the affirmative.

Jane stripped off and lay down on the ground in front of Tarzan, with her legs spread wide.

Tarzan approached in front of her and without any hesitation, kicked Jane, in her groin area, a mighty kick.

Jane rolled over, holding herself, in a certain amount of pain and asked, "What in hell did you do that for?"

Tarzan replied, "Just checking for wasps."

Just as well that it wasn't a BABY shower.

Can't give one of those back so easy.

A guy came to the door saying that he was building a swimming pool for the local community.

He asked me for a donation.

So, being the generous person that I am, I gave him two buckets of water.

The Australians have no room to complain.

I have heard that there was an Australian who spent a whole night in Sydney.

A tall French prime minister, who wore army uniform, on public occasions. Including an army cap.

The question is:- Why did General De Gaulle wear a cap which had Greek lettering across the front?

The answer is:- Because he would have looked an a$$ if they had been French Letters.

If you do get one, I'd be interested to learn of your experience. All in the best possible taste, of course.

You will have to Google it. I have seen them advertised. As I remember it, there is also a club membership. Found it. I do not know if Mingle allow hyperlinks so I will split this one up. You will have to reconnect it to find the web page.

https
://
w
w
w
.muffdivingclub
.ie/
product/
membership/

British childrens' TV.

Muffin the Mule (Wikipedia)

Is a puppet character in a British 1946-1955 television programme for children. The puppet had been made in 1933 for Hogarth Puppets.


AND yes, the reference to muffin is a dirty minded description of oral sex. AND now for something completely different. Did you know that there is a coastal town in Donegal, Ireland called Muff? Also, did you know that they have a diving club.

NODDY GOT THROWN OUT OF TOYLAND.

MUFFIN THE MULE.

Chocolate Fingers.





Where have they been?

What's yellow and dangerous?







Shark infested custard.