In a very remote farm, where the chief farmhand is a black man, there is brewing a dispute. The black man's wife has just given birth to a white baby. The only white man for hundreds of miles is the farm owner.

The black man goes up the main house and knocks the door. The farmer comes out and the black man says, "Listen here boss, I am not very happy about my wife giving birth to a white baby. Have you anything to say on the subject?"

The farm owner says to the black man, "Just a minute, take a walk with me."

They walk a few hundred yards, until they come to a field of sheep.

The farm owner says, "I want you to look out over that field of sheep. Do you see that most of those sheep are white? Do you also see that there are one or two black sheep in the flock?"

The black man says, "OK, boss, you stay away from my wife and I'll stay away from your sheep."

Three universities took part in a project to ascertain why a man has a knob at the end of his penis.

Oxford University, spent more than 5000 and decided using educated logic, that the knob was there to give the woman pleasure.

Edinburgh University, spent approximately 1000 and decided, with limited resources, that the knob was there to give the man pleasure.

Trinity College Dublin, with limited funds, took a professor and three biology students to a local pub, where they decided that the reason for the knob at the end of the mans' penis, was to prevent his hand from flying off the end.

At an office meeting, the boss stood up and said, "Our visitor today is from head office. He suffers with BO, but I don't anybody slipping up and mentioning deodorants or similar. Have you got that, Mefikit?"

"Yes, SURE, MUM's the word," I said.

Overweight Blonde
A blonde was terribly overweight, so her doctor put her on a diet.

"I want you to eat regularly for 2 days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for 2 weeks. The next time I see you, you'll have lost at least 5 pounds."

When the blonde returned, she shocked the doctor by losing nearly 20 pounds.

"Why, that's amazing!" the doctor said, "Did you follow my instructions?"

The blonde nodded. "I'll tell you though, I thought I was going to drop dead that 3rd day."

"From hunger, you mean?" asked the doctor.

The blonde replied, "No, from skipping.

A man staying in digs, because his work was far from home, asked the landlady if she would provide him with sandwiches, for his lunchtime break.

On the first evening, after work, the landlady asked him, "Well how was your lunch?"

The man replied, "It was very nice. I like cheese, but there was only two slices of bread."

The landlady made up his lunch for the next day with four slices of bread.

After work, she asked him, "Well, how was your lunch today?"

He replied, "It was very nice, but there wasn't very many slices of bread."

The landlady, a bit peeved, made up his lunch for the next day, by slicing a plain unsliced loaf in two, down the middle. Then she stuffed a whole block of cheese between the two pieces of bread.

After work, she asked him, with a cynical smile on her face, "Well, how was your lunch today?"

He replied, "It was very nice, but I see you are back to the two slices again.

A vertically challanged man (dwarf) with a speach impediment (alternatively called either the Elmer Fudd syndrome, or the Johnathan Ross syndrome) went to buy a horse.

Standing with the farmer, the dwarf asked, "Could I please thee her teeth?"

The farmer lifted the dwarf up so that he could examine the horse's teeth. The farmer set the dwarf down again.

The dwarf asked, "Could I pleathe thee the hortheth earth?"

The farmer lifted the dwarf up so that he could examine the horse's ears. The farmer set the dwarf down again.

The dwarf asked, "Could I pleathe thee her twat?"

The farmer thought he would lose his mind and threw the dwarf into a pile of horse manure.

The dwarf clambered out of the manure and said, "Thorry for that, maybe I thould have worded that differently. What I meant to thay wath, could I thee her running around."

Ah ha ha a lisp joke.

Humour has many facets and genres. I am only happy that some of my favourite jokes are being enjoyed by people who deserve a lift in these CV19 stricken days.

Viva le joke.

No shun. It's good to have friends, especially ones that enjoy a laugh.

No, but I do find good ones and either remember them or write them down.

If you don't mind foul language, try YouTube and search for "Jethro Standup Comedy". Look for a video called "Not for the Vicar".

I am on a mission to help "some" people get through this health crisis, by having fun.

Building site manager calls in the next applicant.

"Would Mister O'Shaughnessy, please come into the office?"

The applicant goes into the office, where he is asked to sit opposite the manager's desk.

The manager is filling in a form, on the desk and asks.

"Ah, yes, Mister O'Shaughnessy, could you spell that for me?"

"Aaaarrghh. Ye can stick yer bludy jab. Ah didint want it onyway."

As I was walking along the cliff path, I stumbled and fell over the edge and slid down 10 or 15 feet where I was able to grasp a branch growing out of the rocks.

I hung there for a while and looking down I realised that I was approximately 120 feet above the rocks and tide below.

I was also losing the feeling in my fingers and knew it was only a short time before I would be forced to let go and plumet to my death on the rocks below.

So, I prayed, "IS THERE ANYONE UP THERE CAN HELP ME?"

A booming voice came back, "LET GO MY SON, I WILL SAVE YOU."

I took a deep breath and shouted, "IS THERE ANYONE ELSE UP THERE?"

Slang for the British Pound is Quid.

Mister shark is swimming along when he comes across mister squid.

"How're you doing mister squid?" asks the shark.

"I feel terrible." says the squid.

Mister shark says, "Oh, you poor thing. Come, swim with me to the warmer waters, it'll make you feel better."

They hadn't gone very far when they met mister whale.

Mister whale said to mister shark, "Where's that money you owe me?"

The shark said to mister whale, "Here take this sick squid, I owe you."

When my wife discovered that I had replaced the bed with a trampoline, she hit the ceiling.

A man goes to the doctor, concerned about his wife's hearing.

The doctor says, "Stand behind her and say something and tell me how close you are when she hears you."

The man goes home, sees his wife in the kitchen, cutting carrots on the countertop.

About 15 feet away he says, "Honey, what's for dinner?"

Nothing. He gets halfway to her and repeats the same question.

Nothing. Very concerned, he gets right behind her and asks again "What's for dinner?"

She turns around and says "For the THIRD time, beef stew!"

Does anyone out there remember if I told you my deja vu joke?

In court I was found guilty of having a big ego.

I am appealing.

So I phoned up the spiritual leader of Tibet.

He sent me a large goat with a long neck.

Turns out I phoned Dial-a-Llama.

I remember when I was a kid, my grandfather wasn't very well.

My grandmother had to cover his back with lard.

He went downhill very quickly after that.

The Lone Ranger and Tonto go shopping.

Because of Covid 19 restrictions, only one person is allowed in the shop at one time.

The Lone Ranger says, "I'll go in and do the shopping. What'll you do?"

Tonto replies, "After that heavy lunch, I'll just take a jog around the car park and see if I can lose a few pounds."

While the Lone Ranger is collecting items from the shop, a voice comes on the Tanoy.

"IS THERE ANYONE IN THE SHOP, WHO HAS LEFT THEIR ENJUN RUNNING IN THE CAR PARK?"