Some people are "social butterflies" and extroverts..And other people tend to be more introverted and more on the "loner side." (Although they may have some outside friends too. They just don't see their friends all the time.)...I think it's probably easier for 2 "loner types" to become best friends in their marriage...Where extroverts and "social butterflies" may find this type of relationship with their spouse too confining and even boring.

Venturing off a bit...I guess some women (and men) are influenced by their religious beliefs when it comes to the roles they feel they are suppose to play in their marriage...I was raised in the Catholic church. I never heard any talk about wives submitting to their husbands...Of course women still can't become priests and there are other issues going on in the Catholic church...I just wonder how many people are influenced by their religious beliefs when it comes to their roles in marriage.

Good that you've grown and evolved through the years...I've gone through many different stages too...And some men have this same desire to grow and evolve and come into their "own" too...My husband wasn't looking for a "teenie-bop" type of woman when we met because he was at a different level and stage in his life...He had achieved goals he set for himself in his career. And he knew how to amuse himself in his "off-hours." He had tons of interests and personal goals that he created and developed for himself...He didn't live in fear of being anihilated or "wiped-out" by a woman or anyone else...He had "sure-footing" and a solid foundation of his very own when we met. So he welcomed having a life partner who was on a "growth path" too.

My husband and I used to "brainstorm" together all the time to come up with ideas and solutions to problems. It was nice!

AthenaRose...Sorry things didn't work out at the end in your relationship...Basically I'm sitting here alone now (too) since my husband died...There's no telling what the future might have in store for us...I had 2 earlier "failed" marriages and I'd been alone for 12 years (with my sons) when my "last" husband popped-up in my life...So there's no telling what may happen as time progresses...I just don't feel ready to date yet. And you can probably tell (from reading my posts) that I'm not exactly a normal woman...I used to call my husband my "needle in a haystack." He was a "rare find" for me...Anyway I've always done better when I didn't go on "searches." I think love comes knocking on our door when we're happy by ourselves and content doing our "own thing." What do you think?

AthenaRose...Hard to imagine what things are like in your area. Sorry about it..I've never really been a "girly girl." Sometimes I even forget that I'm a woman because I usually just think of myself as a person...I have a lot of caring ways and enjoy being thoughtful and polite but I am probably more androgynous...So I don't think in terms of finding a strong man to take care of me so I can go back to being feminine...My husband and I were best friends with a little more added in...Both of us were "team players" and well-rounded and even "interchangeable" when it came to getting things done around here...My husband was the baker in the family and he made all kinds of breads and sweet-treats...Plus he grew veggies in his garden and "canned" his special gourmet jalapenos for me. And he made and "canned" salsa's and fresh tomato sauce etc...We were both free to dabble in any area that "sparked our fancy" with no taboo's or limitations based on our gender.

I guess I feel that we are suppose to "please ourselves" (as individuals) when it comes to personal matters like our hair or clothes etc...My husband spent decades in the fire department. He always told me (and others) that he was going to let his hair grow and grow after he retired. And this was fine with me...At one point his hair was a lot longer than my hair...Almost down to his waist...Most of the time he wore it pulled back in a neat ponytail...I was fine with his long or short hair. My parents and family had no problems whatsoever with his long hair...But my husband's conservative family tried to shame and guilt-trip him about his long hair because it didn't fit their "image." My husband didn't care...And we saw less and less of his family after that...I always wanted my husband to feel free to be who he wanted to be in our marriage. And he wanted the same for me.

AthenaRose...Sorry about conditions for women where you live...A lot of couples operate like equals out here in the West. It's more the "norm" than not...Back in the 70's my journalism professor wrote a book called "Equal Marriage" that became popular...I haven't been around many people who have traditional marriages...Even older men cook and help their wives with clean-up out here today...Men who don't know how to cook seem odd and might have trouble finding a mate...And women are expected to roll-up their sleeves and do more today too...Guess we all come from different cultures. Sorry that things are hard for women where you live. Thanks for sharing more about it.

AthenaRose...Sorry about conditions for women where you live...A lot of couples operate like equals out here in the West. It's more the "norm" than not...Back in the 70's my journalism professor wrote a book called "Equal Marriage" that became popular...I haven't been around many people who have traditional marriages...Even older men cook and help their wives with clean-up out here today...Men who don't know how to cook seem odd and might have trouble finding a mate...And women are expected to roll-up their sleeves and do more today too...Guess we all come from different cultures. Sorry that things are hard for women where you live. Thanks for sharing more about it.

It would be hard for me to be in a relationship where my hair became an issue or deal-breaker...I think it's important to have a certain amount of freedom even though I may be married...My husband was free to do whatever he wanted with his hair and I was free too...Of course we may have preferences...Maybe we'd love to see our mate try new styles or dress a certain way etc..But my husband and I stood-back and didn't try to impose our "will" or "wants" on each other...This way we could both continue to be separate and unique individuals in our own "right" even though we were married.

I totally agree about being friends first.

I can relate to what you wrote...In "real life" I'm pretty modest and low-key most of the time...I have a soft voice and tend to be on the polite-side...Some people just view me as "nice" and don't really know much about my "other sides."...I'm a private person and tend to be a loner. I open-up and reveal more about myself when I feel comfortable with someone and common interests pop-up...I think it's easy to make assumptions about people we don't know very well...My husband and I were "just friends" (and nothing more) for 2 straight years before love entered the picture...We had a chance to see "all sides" to each other and knew we were a "good match" and very compatible...We were happily married for decades until he passed-away.

When my husband went out to shop (or do other things) I left him alone and didn't call or text him unless an emergency came up...And he was this same way with me...We wanted to give each other some "breathing space" and freedom and "personal time" etc...When my (grown) son moved near us he couldn't understand why my husband and I didn't text or call each other when one of us went out..To him this was all part of "staying close."...The truth is that my husband and I were "super close." We were both retired and enjoyed spending most of our time together...But we wanted to grant each other a little space and "private time" once in awhile too. (Let each other off the "hook" in other words.)

I think it takes a long, long time to really get to know people. (To see "all sides" to a person.)...Everyone (men and women) present their "best sides" and traits in the early stages of a relationship...The "other sides" take longer to come out. This is why I don't believe in rushing into things.

I agree...Great post!...We definitely live in a "one up/one down" type of world that revolves around competition...I can't change the world but I've always tried to avoid "doing competition" in my relationships...I want everyone to succeed and "be" who they want to "be.".. No one should have to "hold back" or "stay down" or play-out an assigned role because there's only one available "top-dog" slot in each family. (And everyone else is expected to play minor and supporting roles.)...Secure people enjoy being around other "achievers."...Insecure people feel threatened and fearful about losing their so-called "top-dog" position when the people around them start to "grow."

I haven't been on a date in over 30 years and don't plan to start dating anytime soon...I see commercials for dating sites on TV and I cringe...Years ago I had a singles' publication of my own with personal ads and articles etc. (Before the Internet took hold.)...I used to hear about dates "gone wrong" and all the disappointments...Basically I think everyone puts their "best foot forward" in the early stages. And it can take quite awhile to "get behind" all the masks and false fronts. (To see all "sides" to a person.)...I intend to remember this if I ever decide to start dating again.. All that "glitters" isn't necessarily "gold!"

AthenaRose...My husband and I were both caring and nurturing towards each other...We enjoyed spoiling each other in countless different ways...We weren't "cold" or "business-like" with each other just because we considered ourselves equals and best friends..On the contrary...We kept coming up with new and creative ways to express our love and admiration and appreciation for each other...We had fun...We "played." We offered each other support and encouragement when it came to achieving our goals and dreams in life or overcoming fears or obstacles...Neither one of us was in the "down position." Or considered "inferior."...We were both free to develop our skills and talents and "be" who we wanted to "be!"

When my husband was alive we took quite a few "research vacations." One time we studied modern Native American cultures and spent time on reservations...One time we studied the effect that Wal-Mart had on downtown areas and small businesses in towns across the country...One time we "rated" hotels and motels and restaurants for a travel publication we planned to start...We always made time for fun and play too and some romance along the way...But we definitely enjoyed our first-hand "research" and wrote about our observations and experiences.

I've never really had a submissive nature not even when I was small...I felt free to question my parents and relatives and even my teachers at times...I tried to be polite. I wasn't a "brat." But I always felt entitled to speak-up and ask questions...I've never been one to automatically go-along with others when something doesn't seem quite right to me...I've always felt that I've had "rights" even as a kid...I wasn't raised in a "children should be seen but never heard" kind of home. My parents expected me to use my brain and form opinions of my very own. (Even when my opinions differed from their views and opinions.)...My Mom had her own opinions too. And she always spoke-out and stated how she felt and stated what she thought and what she wanted...She was never submissive to my Dad or anyone. She was a "total person" in her own right just like my Dad was...My Dad married my Mom because he felt she was smart and competent. He loved this about her.

I don't have rules per se...But I'd be looking for compatibility...I tend to be more of a loner and enjoy having the time and space to do my "own thing.".. So I do best with men who tend to have a lot of interests and goals of their own too...It's not about imposing my rules on someone. It's looking for signs of compatibility.