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Community > Posts By > harrypotter2
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Topic:
Why do men........
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Topic:
FREE MUSIC FOREVER
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Thanks Tom. I found some tracks I haven't heard for years.
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Interational Dog Trials
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At the recent International Dog Trials in Edinburgh Scotland, Joe the Great Dane was found guilty of racial abuse after calling Ben the Jack Russel Terrier 'Short Ass' Prince the pit bull was remanded into custody after repeatedly fighting. Two highland terriers were issued with a warning about being too noisy when their owner left the house. It was reported with regret, that Lassie has finally died in her sleep at the local retirement kennel. Gary the Spaniel was cautioned for indecency after repeatedly licking himself in the street and sniffing polly the poodles ass. And Rex the local police German Shepherd was fired for barking up the wrong tree. All the rest of the dogs were sent for supervised training after running in packs.  
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Damn. I wasn't expecting that one
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Topic:
Do you have a condom?
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Donald Duck and Daisy Duck were spending the night together in a hotel room and Donald wanted to have sex with Daisy. The first thing Daisy asked was, 'Do you have a condom?' Donald frowned and said, 'No.' Daisy told Donald that if he didn't get a condom, they could not have sex. 'Maybe they sell them at the front desk,' she suggested. So Donald went down to the lobby and asked the hotel clerk if they had condoms. 'Yes, we do,' the clerk said and pulled one out from under the counter and gave it to Donald. The clerk asked, 'Would you like me to put that on your bill? 'NO!' Donald quacked, 'What kind of a pervert do you think I am?'
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Topic:
BEER, FISHING, SEX & GOLF
Edited by
harrypotter2
on
Mon 01/12/09 02:29 AM
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A man was walking down the street when he was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked him for a couple of dollars for dinner. The man took out his wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked, "If I give you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead of dinner?" "No, I had to stop drinking years ago," the homeless man replied. "Will you use it to go fishing instead of buying food?" the man asked. "No, I don't waste time fishing," the homeless man said. "I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive." "Will you spend this on greens fees at a golf course instead of food?" the man asked. "Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless man. "I haven't played golf in 20 years!" "Will you spend the money on a woman in the red light district instead of food?" the man asked, "What disease would I get for ten lousy bucks?" exclaimed the homeless man. "Well," said the man, "I'm not going to give you the money. Instead, I'm going to take you home for a terrific dinner cooked by my wife." The homeless man was astounded. "Won't your wife be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty disgusting." The man replied, "That's okay. It's important for her to see what a man looks like after he has given up beer, fishing, golf, and sex."
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Topic:
Single Guys Holiday
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 Everyday is palm Sunday
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Topic:
Food Kills
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A renowned doctor was addressing a large audience: "The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is awful. Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. High fat diets can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the long- term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water. But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all have, or will, eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?" After several seconds of quiet, a 75-year-old man in the front row raised his hand, and softly said, "Wedding Cake."
Ouch. bon apetit
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Topic:
The anal optic nerve
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Are you aware of the discovery in the human body of a nerve that connects the eyeball to the anus? It is called the anal optic nerve. It is responsible for giving people a sh!tty outlook on life. If you don't believe me, pull a hair from your ass and see if it doesn't bring a tear to your eye. 
Holy crap. It works. Shiiiiiiiiiiite. 
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Topic:
THE POWER OF ALCOHOL
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A man is waiting for his wife to give birth. The doctor comes in and informs the dad that his son was born without torso, arms or legs. The son is just a head! But the dad loves his son and raises him as well as he can, with love and compassion. After 21 years, the son is now old enough for his first drink. Dad takes him to the bar, tearfully tells the son he is proud of him and orders up the biggest, strongest drink for his boy. With all the bar patrons looking on curiously and the bartender shaking his head in disbelief, the boy takes his first sip of alcohol. Swoooosh! Plop!! A torso pops out! The bar is dead silent; then bursts into whoops of joy. The father, shocked, begs his son to drink again. The patrons chant 'Take another drink!' The bartender continues to shake his head in dismay . Swoooosh! Plip! Plop!! Two arms pop out. The bar goes wild. The father, crying and wailing, begs his son to drink again. The patrons chant, 'Take another drink! Take another drink!!' The bartender ignores the whole affair and goes back to polishing glasses, shaking his head, clearly unimpressed by the amazing scenes. By now the boy is getting tipsy, but with his new hands he reaches down, grabs his drink and guzzles the last of it. Plop! Plip!! Two legs pop out. The bar is in chaos. The father falls to his knees and tearfully and thanks God. The boy stands up on his new legs and stumbles to the left then staggers to the right through the front door, into the street, where a truck runs over him and kills him instantly. The bar falls silent. The father moans in grief . The bartender sighs and says, * (Wait for it) * * * (It's coming) * * (Ya ready?) * * * (Don't hate me) * (You're gonna hate me) * * * * (Take a deep breath) * * 'He should've quit while he was a HEAD!!
ROFLMAO
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Topic:
Skydiving
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A skydiver jumps out of a plane and as he's falling he pulls his rip chord on the parachute...nothing happens. So he pulls the chord on his emergency chute and still nothing happens. As He is nearing the ground he notices another guy going by him upwards in the other direction and yells to him... "Do you know anything about Parachutes?" The other guy yells back. "NO..Do you know anything about gas Bar B Q's??"
OMG
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Topic:
Italian barber shop
Edited by
harrypotter2
on
Mon 01/12/09 02:15 AM
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A guy goes for a haircut at an Italian barber shop. He tells the barber he's going to Italy for vacation and the barber says its a bad time of year to go...too expensive. The barber asks him which hotel he's staying at and he says the Sheraton. Again the barber says they are always renovating there and he will not get a good room. The barber asks him what he's going to see in Italy and the guy says he's gonna see the pope. Again the barber is negative, tells him the crowds are too big and the pope is just a tiny speck up on the vatican balcony. The guy leaves and returns for his next haircut a couple months later. The barber asks him how his trip went and the guy says the Sheraton wasbeing renovated , but they gave him a large suite instead of a single room for his troubles. He then says that the prices for everything was real cheap too. The barber asks him how the veiwing of the pope went. He says it was just like the barber warned, but after the viewing, he was selected for a private meeting with the pope. The barber can hardly believe this and asks what happened. He says the pope came into a room where he was...leaned up close to him and whispered something in his ear. The barber asks what the pope said to him and the guy replies... "Where did you get that sh!tty haircut?"
Could have applied to my last hairstyle
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Topic:
U.S.A. v Canada
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Right turn Clyde
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Topic:
Steel Workers Union Rep
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Topic:
The Queen and the Pope
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The Queen of England and the Pope are standing on the balcony of Buckingham Palace with the crowds below and the Queen says to the Pope... "I'll bet you 50 bucks I can get all the Brits out there in the crowd to go crazy just by waving my hand". The Pope says "You on" and she does her dainty twirly wave.... The Brits respond with a frenzy of cheering and flag waiving. The Pope not to be out done says to her, "I'll go double or nothing on that bet, and I can get all the Irish out there in the crowd to go crazy, not just now, but for the whole rest of the week....just by nodding my head". The Queen says to him "You're On" The Pope promptly turns to face her.... and he head butts her.
Bit anti - royal, but I love it
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Topic:
Road Signs Story
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Topic:
Ed Zachary Disease
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Topic:
Houseslippers for Christmas
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For the idle minded,,,,,,,,,, My dear friends and family, Somewhat embarrassing to admit, Christmas is tight this year. I will be making bedroom slippers for you all as gifts. Please let me know your sizes. You'll most likely agree that it's a splendid idea, and should you wish to do the same, I've included the instructions below. How to make bedroom slippers out of maxi pads: You need four maxi pads to make a pair. Two of them get laid out flat, for the foot part. The other two wrap around the toe area to form the top. Tape or glue each side of the top pieces to the bottom of the foot part. Decorate the tops with whatever you desire, silk flowers (this is most aesthetically appealing), etc. These slippers are: 1. Soft and Hygienic 2. Non-slip grip strips on the soles 3. Built in deodorant feature keeps feet smelling fresh 4. No more bending over to mop up spills 5. Disposable and biodegradable 6. Environmentally safe 7. Three convenient sizes: (1.) Regular, (2.) Light and (3.) Get out the Sand Bags. Awaiting your response. It's crucial that I get the right size for each one of you. NOTE: Sizes for Europeans.....with the silk flowers option should be ordered well in advance.
Can I pre order for next year? 
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Topic:
WARNING WARNING WARNING
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I got this in an email from UK 1971.
Tom had it fowarded to him, and as he isn't around for a few days, he asked me to pass this on for him here. Subject: FW: Police Warning - don't delete - pass it on Thought you should be aware of the following: Emails with pictures of Osama Bin-Laden hanged are being sent and the moment you open these emails your computer will crash and you will not be able to fix it. If you get an email along the lines of 'Osama Bin Laden Captured' or 'Osama Hanged' DO NOT OPEN THE ATTACHMENT. This e-mail is being distributed through countries around the globe. Be considerate and send this warning to all those you know, especially friends, family and contacts. You should be alert during the following days. Do not open any message with an attached file called 'Invitation' regardless of who sent it. This is a virus that opens an Olympic Torch which 'burns' the whole hard disc C of your computer. This virus will be received from someone who has your e-mail address in his/her contact list. This is why you should send this e-mail to all your contacts. It is better to receive this message 25 times than to receive the virus and open it. If you receive a mail called 'Invitation', even though it is sent by a friend, do not open it, but shut down your computer immediately. This is the worst visus announced by CNN. It has been classified by Microsoft as one of the most destructive virus ever... This virus was discovered by McAfee and at present there is no repair for this kind of virus. This virus simply destroys the Zero Sector of the Hard Disc, where the vital information is kept. PLEASE PASS THIS ON |
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