*A bus stops and 2 Italian men get on. They sit down and engage in an

animated conversation.

The lady sitting next to them ignores them at first, but her attention

is galvanized when she hears one of them say the following:

"Emma come first.

Den I come.

Den two asses come together.

I come once-a-more.

Two asses, they come together again.

I come again and pee twice.

Then I come one lasta time."

"You foul-mouthed sex obsessed swine," retorted the lady indignantly.

"In this country . . we don't speak aloud in public places about our
sex lives"

"Hey, coola down lady," said the man. "Who talkin' abouta sex?

I'm a justa tellin' my frienda how to spell "Mississippi'."

4 surgeons are disgussing who makes the best patients to operate on.
the first says
i like to see accountants on my table.
because when you open them up everyting is numbered.
the second says
yeah but you should try electricians, everything is color coded
the third says
no i realy think libraians are the best because everything is in alphabetical order
the forth says
no you are all wrong
you should try a politician
they have no guts,no heart, no spine, and the head and the ass are interchangable

A husband and wife were having dinner at a very fine restaurant when this absolutely stunning young woman comes over to their table, gives the husband a big kiss, says she'll see him later and walks away.

His wife glares at him and says, "Who the hell was that?"

"Oh," replies the husband, "she's my mistress!"

"Well, that's the last straw," says the wife. "I've had enough, I want a divorce!"

"I can understand that," replies her husband, "but remember, if we get a divorce it means that you don't get any more shopping trips to Paris, no more wintering in Barbados, no more summers in Tuscany, no more Ferraris and Lexus's in the garage and no more yacht club. But, the decision is yours!"

Just then, a mutual friend enters the restaurant with a gorgeous babe on his arm.

"Who's that woman with Jim?" asks the wife.

That's his mistress," says her husband.

"Ours is prettier!" she replies

An old, blind cowboy wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake.
He finds his way to a stool and orders some coffee.

After sitting there for a while, he yells to the waiter, 'Hey, you
wanna hear a blonde joke?'



The bar immediately falls absolutely silent. In a very deep, husky
voice, the woman next to him says, 'Before you tell that joke, Cowboy,

I think it is only fair, given that you are blind, that you should know five things:
1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.
2. The bouncer is a blonde girl.
3. I'm a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate.
4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weightlifter.
5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.

'Now, think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?'

The blind cowboy thinks for a second, shakes his head, and mutters, 'No...not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times.

A woman decides to have a facelift for her 50th birthday.



She spends $15,000 and feels pretty good about the results.


On her way home, she stops at a newsstand to buy a newspaper.



Before leaving, she says to the clerk, 'I hope you don't mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?'

'About 32,' is the reply.'

'Nope! I'm exactly 50,' the woman says happily.

A little while later she goes into McDonald's and asks the counter girl the very same question.

The girl replies, 'I'd guess about 29.'

The woman replies with a big smile, 'Nope, I'm 50.'

Now she's feeling really good about herself. She stops in a drug store on her way down the street.



She goes up to the counter to get some mints and asks the clerk this burning question.

The clerk responds, 'Oh, I'd say 30.'

Again she proudly responds, 'I'm 50, but thank you!'

While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man waiting next to her the same question.

He replies, 'Lady, I'm 78 and my eyesight is going. Although, when I was youn g there was a sure-fire way to tell how old a woman was.



It sounds very forward, but it requires you to let me put my hands under your bra.



Then, and only then can I tell you EXACTLY how old you are.'


They wait in silence on the empty street until her curiosity gets the best of her.



She finally blurts out, 'What the heck, go ahead.'


He slips both of his hands under her blouse and begins to feel around very slowly and carefully.



He bounces and weighs each breast and he gently pinches each nipple.



He pushes her breasts together and rubs them against each other.


After a couple of minutes of this, she says, 'Okay, okay....How old am I?'

He completes one last squeeze of her breasts, removes his hands, and says, 'Madam, yo u are 50.'

Stunned and amazed, the woman says, 'That was incredible, how could you tell?'

The old man says, 'Promise you won't get mad?'

'I promise I won't' she says.

'I was behind you at McDonalds.

A man and his wife were working in their garden one day and the man looks over at his wife and says: 'Your butt is getting really big. I mean really big. I bet your butt is bigger than the barbecue.' With that he proceeded to get a measuring tape and measure the grill and then went over to where his wife was working and measured his wife's bottom.

'Yes, I was right; your butt is two inches wider than the barbecue!!!'

The woman chose to ignore her husband.

Later that night in bed, the husband is feeling a little frisky. He makes some advances towards his wife who completely brushes him off.

'What's wrong?' he asks. ...............

She answers: Do you really think I'm going to fire up this big-ass grill for one little weenie?

In 1993, the University of Kentucky did a study to see why the head of a man's penis was larger than the shaft.


After one year and $80,00.00 spent, they concluded that the reason the head was larger than the shaft was to give the man more pleasure during sex.

After the study was published, the University of South Carolina decided to do their own study.
After $250,000.00 and 3 years of research, they concluded that the reason was to give the woman more pleasure during sex.

The University of Georgia, unsatisfied with these findings, conducted their own study.


After 2 weeks and a cost of around $75.46, they concluded that it was to keep a man's hand from flying off and hitting him in the nose!

The Penis wants a raise in Salary

I, the Penis, hereby request a raise in salary for the following reasons:

1. I do Physical Labor!
2. I work at great depths!
3. I plunge Head first into everything I do!
4. I dont get Weekends or Public Holidays off!
5. I work in Damp Enviroments!
6. I work in dark area that has Poor Ventilation!
7. I work in High Temperatures!
8. My work exposes me to Diseases!

REPLY:

Dear Penis,

After assessing your request, and considering the arguments you have raised, the Management DENIES your request for the following reasons:

1. You do not work 8 hours straight!
2. You WORK IN SHORT SPURTS AND FALL ASLEEP after EACH brief work period!
3. You dont always follow the orders of the Management team!
4. You dont stay in your Designated Area, and are Often seen visiting other Locations!

A guy walks into a bar ... once inside, he realizes it's a gay bar, but he decides, 'What the heck, I really want a drink.' So he sits down at the bar, and the gay bartender says to him, 'What's the name of your penis?' The guy says, 'Look, I'm not into any of that. All I want is a drink.'
The gay bartender says, 'I'm sorry, but I can't serve you until you tell me the name of your penis.' So the guy looks at the man sitting to his left who is sipping on a beer and asks, 'Hey bud, what's the name of your penis?' The man to left, with a smile, looks back and says, 'TIMEX.' The guy asks, 'Why Timex?' The fella proudly replies, 'Cause it takes a lickin' and keeps on tickin'!'
A little shaken, the guy turns to the fella on his right sipping on a fruity margarita, 'So, what do you call your penis?' The man to his right turns to him and proudly exclaims, 'FORD, because quality is Job 1', he then ads, 'Have you driven a Ford lately?'
Even more shaken, the guy has to think for a moment before he comes up with a name for his penis. He turns to the bartender and exclaims, 'The name of my penis is SECRET. Now give me my beer.'
The bartender begins to pour the guy a beer, but with a puzzled look asks, 'Why secret?' The guy says, 'because it's strong enough for a man but made for a woman!'

Subject: Redneck Poetry



THE NATIONAL POETRY CONTEST HAD COME DOWN TO TWO:
A YALE GRADUATE AND A REDNECK FROM TENNESSEE
THEY WERE GIVEN A WORD, THEN ALLOWED
TWO MINUTES TO STUDY THE WORD AND COME UP WITH A POEM.

THE WORD THEY WERE GIVEN WAS 'TIMBUKTU'.

FIRST TO RECITE HIS POEM WAS THE YALE GRADUATE. HE
STEPPED TO THE MICROPHONE AND SAID:

'SLOWLY ACROSS THE DESERT SAND,
TREKKED A LONELY CARAVAN.
MEN ON CAMELS, TWO BY TWO,
DESTINATION: TIMBUKTU.'


THE CROWD WENT CRAZY!
NO WAY COULD THE REDNECK TOP THAT.

AS THE REDNECK CALMLY MADE HIS WAY TO THE
MICROPHONE AND RECITED:

'ME AND TIM, A' HUNTIN' WE WENT.
MET THREE GALS IN A POP-UP TENT.
THEY WAS THREE, AND WE WAS TWO.
SO I BUCKED ONE, AND TIMBUKTU.'

THE REDNECK WON

old nursery ryme....peter peter pumkin eater..

A man walks out to the street and catches a taxi just going by. He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, "Perfect timing. You're just like Frank."

Passenger: 'Who?'

Cabbie: 'Frank Feldman. He's a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happened like that to Frank Feldman every single time.'

Passenger: 'There are always a few clouds over everybody.'

Cabbie: 'Not Frank Feldman. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand-Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy.'

Passenger: 'Sounds like he was something really special.'

Cabbie: 'There's more.. He had a memory like a computer. He remembered everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Frank Feldman, he could do everything right'

Passenger: 'Wow, some guy then.'

Cabbie: 'He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Frank, he never made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too - He was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Frank Feldman.'

Passenger: 'An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?'

Cabbie: 'Well, I never actually met Frank, he died and I married his damn widow

A female officer was arresting a man for driving while intoxicated.

She said, "Anything you say can & will be held against you!"

The drunk driver looks at her and says......."TITTIES!!"

Cinderella wants to go to the ball, but her wicked stepmother won't let her. As Cinderella sits cryingin the garden, her fairy godmoher appears and promises to provide her with everything she needs to go to the ball, but only on two conditions.



"First, you must wear a diaphragm." Cinders agrees. "What's the second condition?" she asks.
"You must be home by 2 am. Any later and your diaphragm will turn into a pumpkin."
So Cinders agrees to be home by 2 am. and off she goes to the ball.



The appointed hour comes and goes and Cinderella doesn't show up. Finally at 5am Cinders shows up looking love-struck and "very" satisfied.



"Where have you been?" demands the fairy godmother. "Your diaphragm was supposed to turn into a pumpkin three hours ago!!"



"I met a prince, Fairy godmother. He took care of everything."


"I know of no prince with that kind of power! Tell me his name."


"Oh, I can't remember exactly .... Peter Peter, something or other ..."

A little boy asks his dad where poo comes from.

Well his dad replys. Food passes down the osophagus to the stomach where digestive enzymes induce a probiotic reaction in the alimentary canal to extract protien before wast products decend via the colon and recum to emerge as poo.
Wow says the little boy so where the does tigger come from?

Two blind pilots were both wearing dark glasses. One is using a guide dog and the other is tapping his way along the aisle with a cane. Nervous laughter spreads through the cabin, but the men enter the cockpit, the door closes and the engines start up. The passengers begin glancing nervously around, searching for some sign that this is just a little practical joke. None is forthcoming.

The plane moves faster and faster down the runway and the people sitting in the window seats realize they're headed straight for the water at the edge of the airport. As it begins to look as though the plane will plow into the water, panicked screams fill the cabin. At that moment, the plane lifts smoothly into the air. The passengers relax and laugh a little sheepishly and soon all retreat into their magazines, secure in the knowledge that the plane is in good hands.

In the cockpit, one of the blind pilots turns to the other and says, 'Ya know, Bob, one of these days, they're gonna scream too late and we're all gonna die.'

She was standing in the kitchen preparing to boil eggs for breakfast,wearing only the 'T' shirt that she normally slept in.
As I walked in almost awake, she turned and said softly, 'You've gotto make love to me this very moment.'My eyes lit up and I thought, 'I am either still dreaming or this isgoing to be my lucky day.'
Not wanting to lose the moment, I embraced her and then gave it myall; right there on the kitchen table. Afterwards she said, 'Thanks,' and returned to the stove, her 'T'shirt still around her neck.
A little puzzled, I asked, 'What was that all about?'
She explained, 'The egg timer's broken.'

Miss Beatrice, the church organist, was in her eighties and had never been married. She was admired for her sweetness and kindness to all.
One afternoon the pastor came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room.She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea.As he sat facing her old Hammond organ the young minister noticed a cut-glass bowl sitting on top of it.The bowl was filled with water, and in the water floated, of all things, a condom!
When she returned with tea and scones, they began to chat.
The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and he could no longer resist.
'Miss Beatrice' he said, 'I wonder if you would tell me about this?' pointing to the bowl.
'Oh yes' she replied, 'Isn't it wonderful?'?? I was walking in through the park a few months ago and I found this little package on the ground.
The directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet and that it would prevent the spread of disease.?? Do you know I haven't had a cold all winter'

Joe wanted to buy a motorcycle but didn't have enough money for a new one so found a used Harley that although was 10 years old was in absolute mint condition. He immediately buys it, and asks the seller how he kept it in such great condition.

'Well, it's quite simple, really,' says the seller, 'whenever the bike is outside and it's going to rain, I rub Vaseline on the chrome. It protects it from the rain.' And he hands Joe a jar of Vaseline.

That night, his girlfriend, Sandra, invites him over to neet her parents. Naturally, they take the bike there. But just before they enter the house, Sandra stops him and says, 'I have to tell you something about my family before we go in. My family considers it impolite to talk when we eat dinner. In fact, the first person who says anything during dinner has to do the dishes.'

'No problem,' Joe says. And in they go. Joe is shocked. Right in the middle of the living room is a huge stack of dirty dishes. In the kitchen is another huge stack of dishes and more are piled up on the stairs and in the corridor, Everywhere he looks, dirty dishes.

They sit down to dinner and, sure enough, no one says a word. As dinner progresses, Joe decides to take advantage of his biker reputation and the situation. So he leans over and kisses Sandra. No one says a word. He reaches over and fondles her breasts. Still, nobody says a word. So he stands up, grabs her, rips her clothes off, throws her on the table, and does her right there, in front of her parents.

His girlfriend is a little flustered, her dad is obviously livid, and her mom horrified when he sits back down, but no one says a word.

Then he notices her mom and what a great body she has. So he grabs her, bends her over the dinner table, and has his way with her every which way possible right in front of them.

Now his girlfriend is furious and her dad is boiling, but still there is total silence. All of a sudden there is a loud clap of thunder, and it starts to rain. Joe remembers his bike, so he pulls the jar of Vaseline from his pocket.

Suddenly the father backs away from the table and shouts, 'All right, that's enough, I'll do the %^&*()* dishes!'

Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katiewent straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95-year-old grandmother and comfort her.
When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, 'He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning.' Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble.
'Oh no, my dear,' replied granny. 'Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even... Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong.

'She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued, 'He'd still be alive if the ice cream truck hadn't come along.'