who's that??

A BLONDE was weed-whacking her yard and accidentally cut off the

tail of her cat which was hiding in the grass.

She rushed her cat, along with the tail over to WAL-MART!

Why WAL-MART???


HELLOOOOOOOOO! ?


WALMART is the largest RETAILER in the world!!!

A little girl walks into a pet shop and asks in the sweetest little lisp: "Excuthe me, mithter, do you keep wittle wabbits?"

And the shopkeeper gets down on his knees, so that he's on her level, and asks: "Do you want a wittle white wabby or a soft and fuwwy bwack wabby or maybe one like that cute wittle bwown wabby over there?"

The little girl puts her hands on her knees, leans forward and says in a quiet voice: "I don't fink my pyfon really giveths a thit."

A woman and her boyfriend are out having a few drinks. While they're sitting there having a good time together, she starts talking about this really great new drink. The more she talks about it, the more excited she gets, and starts trying to talk her boyfriend into having one.

After a while he gives in and lets her order the drink for him. The bartender brings the drink and puts the following items on the bar. A salt shaker, a shot of Baileys, and a shot of lime juice.

The boyfriend looks at the items quizzically and the woman explains.
"First you put a bit of the salt on your tongue, next you drink the shot of Baileys and hold it in your mouth, and finally you drink the lime juice."

So, the boyfriend, trying to go along and please her, goes for it. He puts the salt on his tongue .... salty but OK. He drinks the shot of Baileys ..... smooth, rich, cool, very pleasant. He thinks ...... this is OK. Finally he picks up the lime juice and drinks it .....
In one second the sharp lime taste hits .....
At two seconds the Baileys curdles.....
At three seconds the salty, curdled taste and mucosa-like consistency hits ...
At four seconds it feels as if he has a mouth fill of nasty snot. This triggers his gag reflex, but being manly, and not wanting to disappoint his girlfriend, he swallows the now foul tasting drink.


When he finally chokes it down he turns to his girlfriend, and says "J..us, what do you call that drink?"


She smiles widely at him and says "B J Revenge!"

One day an old lady went to the doctors because she had an itch in her crotch.
She told the doctor her problem and he said "You've got crabs."
She informed the doctor that it could not be crabs because she was an eighty year old virgin.

She went to another doctor and explained her problem to him.
The doctor said "You probably have the crabs."
"No," she replied. "I can't, I'm an eighty year old virgin."

Frustrated she went to a third doctor.
She said "Doctor, can you help me? I have an itch in my crotch. Don't tell me that it is the crabs because I am an eighty year old virgin!"

The doctor said "Get on the table and let's have a look."
After examining , the doctor proclaimed "Madam, you're right, you do not have the crabs. But this cherry is soooooo old, it's got fruit flies!"

For several years, a man was having an affair with an Italian woman. One night, she confided in him that she was pregnant. Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, he paid her a large sum of money if she would go to Italy to secretly have the child. If she stayed in Italy to raise the child, he would also provide child support until the child turned 18. She agreed, but asked how he would know when the baby was born. To keep it discreet, he told her to simply mail him a post card, and write 'Spaghetti' on the back. He would then arrange for the child support payments o begin.

One day, about 9 months later, he came home to his confused wife. 'Honey', she said, 'you received a very strange post card today'. 'Oh, really? Let me see...', he said. The wife gave it to him and watched as her husband read the card, turned white, and fainted.

On the card was written:

'Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti.
Two with meatballs, one without.

Send extra sauce.

A biker walks in to a bar, and notices this beautiful girl at the bar, and asks if he could buy her a drink, and she reponds by saying: "No thank you, alcohol's bad for my legs".

The biker says, "Oh, do they swell"?

The beautiful girl says, "No, they spread"!!

A man boarded an aircraft at London 's Heathrow Airport for New York , and taking his seat as he settled in, he noticed a very beautiful woman boarding the plane. He realised she was heading straight toward his seat and bingo - she took the seat right beside him.

'Hello', he blurted out, 'Business trip or vacation?'

She turned, smiled enchantingly and said, 'Business. I'm going to the annual nymphomaniac convention in the United States .'

He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting for nymphomaniacs!

Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, 'What's your business role at this convention?' 'Lecturer,' she responded.'I use my experience to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality.'

'Really', he smiled, 'what myths are those?'

'Well,' she explained, 'one popular myth is that African-American men are the most well endowed when, in fact, it's the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is that French men are the best lovers, when actually it is the men of
Greek descent. We have also found that the best potential lovers in all categories are the Irish.'

Suddenly the woman became uncomfortable and blushed. 'I'm sorry,' she said. 'I really shouldn't be discussing this with you, I don't even know your name!'

'Tonto,' the man said. 'Tonto Papadopoulos, but my friends call me Paddy.'

On the first day of school, the children brought gifts for their teacher.

The florist's son brought the teacher a bouquet of flowers.

The candy-store owner's daughter gave the teacher a pretty box of candy.

Then the liquor-store owner's son brought up a big, heavy box.

The teacher lifted it up and noticed that it was leaking a little bit.

She touched a drop of the liquid with her finger and tasted it.

"Is it wine?" she guessed.

"No," the boy replied.

She tasted another drop and asked, "Champagne?"

"No," the boy replied.

She tasted another drop and asked, "Scotch Whiskey?"

"No," said the little boy............ "It's a puppy."

A young woman on a Harley was pulled over for speeding. A State Trooper walked to her while flipping open his ticket book.

She looked at him with her best smile and said, "I bet you are going to sell me a ticket to the State Trooper's Ball.

He replied, "State Troopers don't have balls."

There was a moment of silence. He then closed his book, got back in his patrol car and left.

An elderly man on a Moped, looking about 100 years old, pulls up next to a doctor at a street light.

The old man looks over at the sleek shiny car and asks, ' What kind of car ya got there, sonny ?'

The doctor replies, ' A Ferrari GTO. It cost half a million dollars ! '

' That's a lot of money,' says the old man. ' Why does it cost so much?'

' Because this car can do up to 320 miles an hour !' states the doctor proudly.

The Moped driver asks, 'Mind if I take a look inside ?'

' No problem,' replies the doctor.

So the old man pokes his head in the window and looks around. Then, sitting back on his Moped, the old man says, ' That's a pretty nice car, all right...but I'll stick with my Moped !'

Just then the light changes, so the doctor decides to show the old man just what his car can do.
He floors it, and within 30 seconds the speedometer reads 160 mph.

Suddenly, he notices a dot in his rear view mirror. It seems to be getting closer !

He slows down to see what it could be and suddenly WHOOOOSSSHHH ! Something whips by him going much faster !

' What on earth could be going faster than my Ferrari ?' the doctor asks himself. He presses harder on the accelerator and takes the Ferrari up to 250 mph.

Then, up ahead of him, he sees that it's the old man on the Moped! Amazed that the Moped could pass his Ferrari , he gives it more gas and passes the Moped at 275 mph and he's feeling pretty good until he looks in his mirror and sees the old man gaining on him AGAIN !

Astounded by the speed of this old guy, he floors the gas pedal and takes the Ferrari all the way up to 320 mph. Not ten seconds later, he sees the Moped bearing down on him again ! The Ferrari is flat out,
and there's nothing he can do !

Suddenly, the Moped plows into the back of his Ferrari, demolishing the rear end. The doctor stops and jumps out and unbelievably the old man is still alive. He runs up to the banged-up old guy and says,
' I'm a doctor.... Is there anything I can do for you ?'

The old man whispers, ' Unhook my suspenders from your side view mirror '.

Lovely Lou Anne
At 85 years of age, Morris married Lou Anne, a lovely 25-year-old woman.
Since her new husband is so old, Lou Anne decides that after their wedding she and Morris should have separate bedrooms, because she is concerned that her new but aged husband may overexert himself if they spend the entire night together.
After the wedding festivities Lou Anne prepares herself for bed and the expected "knock" on the door. Sure enough the knock comes, the door opens and there is Morris, her 85 year old groom ready for action. They unite as one.
All goes well, Morris takes leave of his bride, and she prepares to go to sleep. After a few minutes, Lou Anne hears another knock on her bedroom door, and it's Morris. Again he is ready for more "action".
Somewhat surprised, Lou Anne consents for more coupling. When the newlyweds are done, Morris kisses his bride, bids her a fond goodnight and leaves.
She is set to go to sleep again, but, aha you guessed it, Morris is back again, rapping on the door, and is as fresh as a 25-year-old, ready for more "action". And, once again they enjoy each other.
But as Morris gets set to leave again, his young bride says to him, "I am thoroughly impressed that at your age you can perform so well and so often. I have been with guys less than a third of your age who were only good once. You are truly a great lover, Morris."
Morris, somewhat embarrassed, turns to Lou Anne and says, "You mean I was here already?"

'Be Very Quiet'

said the father to his son.

Father and son went hunting together for the first time.

The father said:

'Stay here and be very QUIET.

I'll be across the field.'

A few minutes later the father heard a blood curdling scream and ran
back to his son.. 'What's wrong?' The father asked. 'I told you to be
quiet.'

The boy, bless his heart,

Answered;

'Look, I was quiet when the snake slithered across my feet.

I was quiet when the bear breathed down my neck.

I didn't move a muscle when the skunk climbed over my shoulder.

I closed my eyes and held my breath when the wasp stung me.

I didn't cough when I swallowed the gnat.

I didn't cuss or scratch when the poison oak started itching.

But when the two squirrels crawled up my pant legs and said, 'Should
we eat them here or take them with us?'

' Well, I guess I just panicked '

yep & they'll say DAMNIIIIIT MAAAAAAAANNNNNN!!




(((((((sprite darlin' )))))) how are ....

Bill and Sam, two elderly friends, met in the park every day to feed the pigeons, watch the squirrels and discuss world problems. One day Bill didn't show up. Sam didn't think much about it and figured maybe he had a cold or something. But after Bill hadn't shown up for a week or so, Sam really got worried. However, since the only time they ever got together was at the park, Sam didn't know exactly where Bill lived, so he was unable to find out what had happened to him. A month had passed, and Sam figured he had seen the last of Bill, but one day, Sam approached the park and -- lo and behold! --there sat Bill! Sam was very excited and happy to see him and told him so. Then he said, 'For crying out loud Bill, what in the world happened to you?' Bill replied, 'I've been in jail.' 'Jail?' cried Sam. 'What in the world for?' 'Well,' Bill said, 'You know Alexis, that cute little blonde
waitress at the coffee shop where I sometimes go?' 'Yeah,' said Sam, 'I remember her. What about her?' 'Well, one day she filed rape charges against me, and at 89 years old, I was so proud that when I got into court, I pled 'guilty'.' 'The damn judge gave me 30 days for perjury.''

congrats!!!!!!!!!!!!!

A guy was traveling through Mexico on vacation when, lo and behold, he
lost his wallet and all identification. Cutting his trip short, he
attempted to make his way home, but was stopped by a Mexican Customs
Agent at the Tijuana border.

'May I see your identification, por favor, ser?' asked the agent.
'I'm sorry, but I lost my wallet,' replied the guy.
'Si, amigo, I hear that every day. No ID, no crossing the border,' said
the agent.
'But I can prove that I'm an American!' he exclaimed. 'I have a picture
of Bill Clinton tattooed on one butt cheek and a picture of Hillary
Clinton tattooed on the other.'
'This I must see,' replied the agent. With that, the American dropped
his pants and bent over in front of the agent.


'Jesus, Mary, and Joseph, you're right!' exclaimed the agent. 'Have a
safe trip back to Chicago .'
'Thanks!' he said. 'But why do you think I'm from Chicago ?'
The agent replied, 'I recognized Barack Obama in the middle!

A biker & his wife are celebrating their 50th anniversary. That night the wife approaches her husband wearing the exact same sexy little teddy that she wore on their wedding night. She looks at her husband & says, "Honey, Do you remember this?"

He looks up at her & says, "Yes dear, I do. You wore that same negligee the night we were married."

She says, "That's right. Do you remember what you said to me that night?"

He nods & says, "Yes dear, I still remember."

"Well, what is it?" she asks.

He responds, "Well honey, as I remember, I said, "Ohhhhhhh Baby, I'm going to suck the life out of those big boobs & screw your brains out."

She giggles & says, "Yes honey, that's it. That's exactly what you said. So, now it's 50 years later, I'm in the same negligee I wore that night. What do you have to say tonight?"

Again he looks her up & down & finally replies, "Mission Accomplished."

A young man called his mother and announced excitedly that he had just met the woman of his dreams.


Now what should he do?

His mother had an idea: "Why don't you send her flowers, and on the card, invite her to your apartment for a home cooked meal?"

He thought this was a great strategy and arranged a date for a week later.


His mother called the day after the big date to see how things had gone.


"The evening was a disaster," he moaned.


"Why, didn't she come over?" asked his mother.


"Oh, she came over, but she refused to cook ..."

Your Driver's License Tells It All...

A mother is driving a little girl to her friend's house for a play date.

'Mommy! ,' the little girl asks, 'how old are you?'

'Honey, you are not supposed to ask a lady her age,' the mother replied.

'It's not polite.'

'OK', the little girl says, 'How much do you weigh?'

'Now really,' the mother says, 'those are personal questions and are really none of your business.'

Undaunted, the little girl asks, 'Why did you and Daddy get a divorce?'

'That is enough questions, young lady, honestly!'

The exasperated mother walks away as the two friends begin to play.

'My Mom won't tell me anything about her ,' the little girl says to her friend.

'Well,' says the friend, 'all you need to do is look at her drivers license. It is like a report card, it has everything on it.'

Later that night the little girl says to her mother, 'I know how old you are, you are 32.'
The mother is surprised and asks, 'How did you find that out?'
'I also know that you weigh 140 pounds.'

The mother is past surprised and shocked now.
'How in heaven's name did you find that out?'

'And,' the little girl says triumphantly,'I know why you and daddy got a divorce.'

'Oh really?' the mother asks. 'Why?'


'Because you got an F in sex.'