(((((((SPRITE DARLIN' ))))) how are ya ..

Gettin ready 2 fix super.... It's chicken night.

A cabbie picks up a Nun.

She gets into the cab, and notices that the VERY handsome
cab driver won't stop staring at her.

She asks him why he is staring.

He replies:
"I have a question to ask you but I don't want to offend you."

She answers,
"My son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am
and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and
hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could
say or ask that I would find offensive."

"Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me."

She responds,
"Well, let's see what we can do about that: #1, you have
to be single and #2, you must be Catholic."

The cab driver is very excited and says,
"Yes, I'm single and Catholic!"

"OK" the nun says. "Pull into the next alley."

The nun fulfills his fantasy, with a kiss that would
make a hooker blush.

But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.

"My dear child," says the nun, "why are you crying?"

"Forgive me but I've sinned. I lied and I must confess,
I'm married and I'm Jewish."

The nun says, "That's OK.
My name is Kevin and I'm going to a Costume party."

When the staff goes out after work, they talk about football or basketball.
When Middle management gets together, they talk about tennis or baseball.
Top management discusses golf.





Conclusion: The higher up you are in management, the smaller your balls are.

One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Joe says to Mike behind him, My elbow hurts like h*ll. I guess I better see a doctor."



"Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money," Mike replies. "There's a diagnostic computer down at Wal-Mart. Just give it a urine sample and the computer will tell you what's wrong and what to do about it. It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars and is a lot cheaper than a doctor."



So Joe deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Wal-Mart.

He deposits ten dollars, and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits. Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout: "You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks." Thank you for shopping @ Wal-Mart."

That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Joe began wondering if the computer could be fooled. He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and a sperm sample for good measure.

Joe hurries back to Wal-Mart, eager to check the results. He deposits ten dollars, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results.

The computer prints the following:

1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. (Aisle 9)
2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo. (Aisle 7)
3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.
4. Your wife is pregnant. Twins. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.
5. If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better.
Thank you for shopping @ Wal-Mart

One day a teacher had a taste test with her students.

She picked a little boy to do the first test.

She blind folded him, put a Hershey Kiss in his mouth and asked,
"Do you know what it is?"

"No, I don't," said the little boy.

"Okay, I'll give you a clue. It's the thing your daddy wants from your Mom before he goes to work."

Suddenly, a little girl at the back of the room yelled, "Spit it out! It's a piece of azz. "

Two women friends had gone for a girl's night out. Both were very faithful and loving wives. However, they had gotten over-enthusiastic on the Bacardi Breezers. Incredibly drunk, and walking home, they needed to pee, so they stopped in the cemetery. One of them had nothing to wipe with, so she thought she would take off her panties and use them. Her friend, however was wearing a rather expensive pair of panties and did not want to ruin them. She was lucky enough to squat down next to a grave that had a wreath with a ribbon on it, so she proceeded to wipe with that.

After the girls did their business, they proceeded to go home. The next day one of the women's husbands was concerned that his normally sweet and innocent wife was still in bed -- hung over, so he phoned the other husband and said, "These girl nights have got to stop! I'm starting to suspect the worst.. My wife came home with no panties!!"

"That's nothing" said the other husband, "Mine came back with a card stuck to her as$ that said..... "From all of us at the Fire Station. We'll never forget you."

A blonde is watching the news with her husband when the newscaster says,
"Six Brazilian men die in a skydiving accident."

The blonde starts crying to her husband, sobbing, "That's horrible!"

Confused, he says, "Yes, dear, it is sad, but they were skydiving, and,
there is that risk involved."

After a few minutes, the blonde, still sobbing, says, "How many is a
Brazilian?"

Three men - a Canadian farmer, Osama bin Laden and a Texan are all
working together one day. They come across a lantern and a Genie pops out
of it.

'I will give each one of you one wish, which is three wishes in total',
&g t;says the Genie.

The Canadian says, 'I am a farmer and my son will also farm. I want the
land to be forever fertile in Canada .'

POOF! With the blink of the Genie's eye, the land in Canada was forever
fertile for farming.

Osama was amazed, so he said, 'I want a wall around Afghanistan , Palestine
, Iraq and Iran so that no infidels, Americans or Canadians can come in our
precious land.' POOF! Again, with the blink of the Genie's eye, there was
a huge wall around those countries

The Texan says, 'I am very curious. Please tell me more about this wall.'

The Genie explains, 'Well, it's about 500 feet high, 50 feet thick and
completely surrounds the countries. Nothing can get in or out; it's
virtually impenetrable.'

The Texan sits down, cracks a beer, smiles, and says, 'Fill it with water

Man
Kills Self Before Shooting Wife and Daughter
This
one I caught in the SGV Tribune the other day and called
the Editorial Room and
asked who wrote this. It took two or three readings before
the editor
realized that what he was reading was impossible!!! They
put in a
correction the next day.



I just couldn't help
but sending this along. Too funny.
Something
Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says

No,
really? Ya think?
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Police
Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers

Now that's taking things a bit far!

-----------------------------------------------------------
Panda
Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over

What a guy!
---------------------------------------------------------------

Miners
Refuse to Work after Death
No-good-for-nothing'
lazy so-and-so's!
------------------------------------------------------
Juvenile
Court to Try Shooting Defendant
See
if that works any better than a fair trial!

----------------------------------------------------------
War
Dims Hope for Peace
I
can see where it might have that effect!

----------------------------------------------------------------
If
Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile
Ya
think?!
-----------------------------------------------------------------------

Cold
Wave Linked to Temperatures

Who would have thought!

----------------------------------------------------------------
Enfield (London)
Couple Slain; Police Suspect
Homicide
They
may be on to something!
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Red
Tape Holds Up New Bridges

You mean there's something stronger than duct tape?
Oklahoma's
new construction program!

----------------------------------------------------------
Man
Struck By Lightning: Faces
Battery Charge

He probably IS the battery charge!
----------------------------------------------
New
Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test
Group
Weren't
they fat enough?!
-----------------------------------------------
Astronaut
Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft
That's
what he gets for eating those beans!
-------------------------------------------------
Kids
Make Nutritious Snacks

Do they taste like chicken?
****************************************
Local High
School Dropouts Cut
in Half

Chainsaw Massacre all over again!
***************************************************
Hospitals
are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors

Boy, are they tall!
*******************************************
And
the winner is....
Typhoon
Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead


Did I read that right?
***************************************************


Now
that you've smiled at least once, it's your turn to
spread the stupidity and
send this to someone you want to bring a smile to (maybe
even a chuckle). We all
need a good laugh, at least once a day!



11/10/2008 3:58:52 AM Unbelievable Headlines

I asked my friend's little girl what she wanted to be when she grows up. She said she wanted to be President some day. Both of her parents, liberal Democrats, were standing there.
I asked her, "If you were President what would be the first thing you would do?"
She replied, "I'd give food and houses to all the homeless people."
I told her, "Wow...what a worthy goal - but you don't have to wait until you're President to do that. You can come over to my house, mow the lawn, pull weeds, and rake my yard, and I'll pay you $50; then, I'll take you over to the grocery store where the homeless guy hangs out, and you can give him the $50 to use towards food and a new house."
The little girl thought that over for a few seconds, while her Mom glared at me.
She looked me straight in the eye and asked, "Why doesn't the homeless guy come over and do the work and you can just pay him the $50?"
I said, "Welcome to the Republican Party."

Her folks still aren't talking to me.

Just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to,
doesn't mean they don't love you with all they have.

Ralph and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while
they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Ralph suddenly
jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there.

Edna promptly jumped in to save him.
She swam to the bottom and pulled him out.

When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna's heroic act
she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital,
as she now considered her to be mentally stable.

When she went to tell Edna the news she said,
'Edna, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged,
since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis
by jumping in and saving the life of the person you love.
I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness.

The bad news is Ralph hung himself in the bathroom
with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him.
I am so sorry, but he's dead.'

Edna replied, 'He didn't hang himself,
I put him there to dry.
............... How soon can I go home?'

A condom lesson...



Why Condoms Come In Boxes of 3, 6 and 12?

>A man walks into a drugstore with his 8-year old
>son. They happen to walk by the condom display, and the boy
>asks,
>'What are these, Dad?'
>
>To which the man matter-of-factly replies, 'Those
>are called condoms son. Men use them to have safe sex.'
>
>'Oh, I see,' replied the boy pensively. 'Yes, I've
>heard of that in health class at school.'
>
>He looks over the display and picks up a package
>of 3 and asks, 'Why are there 3 in this package?'
>
>The dad replies, 'Those are for high school boys,
>one for Friday, one for Saturday, and one for Sunday.'
>
>'Cool' says the boy. He notices a 6 pack and asks,
>'Then who are these for?'
>
>'Those are for college men,' the dad answers, 'TWO
>for Friday, TWO for Saturday, and TWO for Sunday.'
>
>'WOW!' exclaimed the boy, 'Then who uses THESE?'
>he asks, picking up a 12 pack.
>
>With a sigh and a tear in his eye, the dad replied,
>
>'Those are for married men. One for January, one for
>February, one for March ...'

"Michael, If you were on a date, having dinner with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the rest room?" the teacher asked.
"Just a minute, I have to go pee", he said.

The teacher replied, "That would be rude and impolite. What about you, Paul, how would you say it?"
"I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom, I'll be right back."

The teacher responded, "That's better, but it's still not very mannerly to say the word 'bathroom' at the table. And you Johnny, are you able to use your intelligence for once, and show us your good manners."

With little hesitation Johnny said: "Darling, may I please be excused for a moment? I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, whom I hope you'll get to meet after dinner."

The teacher fainted !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I took my dad to the mall the other day to buy some new shoes (he is 92). We decided to grab a bite at the food court. I noticed he was watching a teenager sitting next to him. The teenager had spiked hair in all different colors: green, red, orange, and blue. My dad kept staring at him. The teenager would look and find him staring every time.

When the teenager had had enough, he sarcastically asked, 'What's the matter old man, never done anything wild in your life?'

Knowing my Dad, I quickly swallowed my food so that I would not choke on his response, knowing he would have a good one, and in classic style he did not bat an eye in his response. 'Got drunk once, and had sex with a peacock. I was just wondering if you were my son.'

A store that sells new husbands has just opened in New York City, where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates.

You may visit the store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the attributes of the men increase as the shopper ascends the flights.

There is, however, a catch: you may choose any man from a particular floor, or you may choose to go up a floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!

So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband.

On the first floor the sign on the door reads Floor 1 - These men have jobs.

The second floor sign reads: Floor 2 - These men have jobs and love kids.

The third floor sign reads: Floor 3 - These men have jobs, love kids, and are extremely good looking.

“Wow,” she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.

She goes to the fourth floor and sign reads Floor 4 -These men have jobs, love kids, are drop-dead good looking and help with the housework.

“Oh, mercy me!” she exclaims, “I can hardly stand it!”

Still, she goes to the fifth floor and sign reads: Floor 5 -These men have jobs, love kids, are drop-dead gorgeous, help with the housework, and have a strong romantic streak.

She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor and the sign reads: Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.

A horse and a rabbit are playing in a meadow. The horse falls into a mud hole and is sinking. He calls to the rabbit to go and get the farmer to help pull him out to safety. The rabbit runs to the farm but the farmer can’t be found. He drives the farmer’s Mercedes back to the mud hole and ties some rope around the bumper. He then throws the other end of the rope to his friend, the horse, and drives the car forward saving him from sinking!

A few days later, the rabbit and horse were playing in the meadow again and the rabbit fell into the mud hole. The rabbit yelled to the horse to go and get some help from the farmer.

The horse said, “I think I can stand over the hole!” So he stretched over the width of the hole and said, “Grab for my penis and pull yourself up.” And the rabbit did and pulled himself to safety.

The moral of the story: If you are hung like a horse, you don’t need a
Mercedes

- I can't reach my licence unless you hold my beer.

2- Sorry, Officer, I didn't realise my radar detector wasn't plugged in.

3- Aren't you the guy from the Village People?

4- Hey, you must've been doin' about 225 Kph to keep up with me. Good job!

5- Are You Andy or Barney?

6- I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a police officer.

7 - You're not gonna check the trunk, are you?

8- I pay your salary!

9- Gee, Officer! That's terrific. The last officer only gave me a warning, too!

10- Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so one of us does.

11- I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there are no other cars around. That's how far ahead of me they are.

12- When the Officer says "Gee Son.... Your eyes look red, have you been drinking?" You probably shouldn't respond with,"Gee Officer your eyes look glazed, have you been eating doughnuts?"

A Texas Stakeout(This has no message, no moral, just fun) From the county where drunk driving is considered a sport, comes this "reportedly" true story. Recently a routine police patrol parked outside a bar in Austin, Texas. After last call the officer noticed a man leaving the bar so apparently intoxicated that he could barely walk. The man stumbled around the parking lot for a few minutes, with the officer quietly observing. After what seemed an eternity in which he tried his keys on five different vehicles, the man managed to find his car and fall into it. He sat there for a few minutes as a number of other patrons left the bar and drove off. Finally he started the car, switched the wipers on and off--it was a fine, dry summer night--, flicked the blinkers on and off a couple of times, honked the horn and then switched on the lights. He moved the vehicle forward a few inches, reversed a little and then remained still for a few more minutes as some more of the other patrons' vehicles left. At last, when his was the only car left in the parking lot, he pulled out and drove slowly down the road. The police officer, having waited patiently all this time, now started up his patrol car, put on the flashing lights, promptly pulled the man over and administered a breathalyzer test. To his amazement, the breathalyzer indicated no evidence that the man had consumed any alcohol at all! Dumbfounded, the officer said, "I'll have to ask you to accompany me to the police station. This breathalyzer equipment must be broken." "I doubt it," said the truly proud Redneck. "Tonight I'm the designated decoy .

'Alabama

A group of Alabama friends went deer hunting and paired off in
twos for the day. That night, one of the hunters returned alone, staggering
under the weight of an eight-point buck. 'Where's Henry?' the others asked.
'Henry had a stroke of some kind. He's a couple of miles back up the trail,' th e
successful hunter replied.'You left Henry laying out there and carried the deer
back?' they inquired. 'A tough call,' nodded the hunter. 'But I figured no one
is going to steal Henry!'

Tennessee
The owner of a golf course was confused about paying an invoice, so he decided
to ask his secretary for some mathematical help. He called her into his office
and said, 'You graduated from the University of Tennessee and I need some help.
If I were to give you $20,000, minus 14%, how much would you take off?' The
secretary thought a moment, and then replied, 'Everything but my
earrings.