Sorry to have disturbed anyone. This will pass. I am just frustrated, and tired of all this I have to go through. We all get that way sometimes. Thank you for caring. I was venting and about a belief I knew most would not feel confortable with. I'll keep it to myself from now on.

I tried to be a clam for years. It almost turned me into a psychopath. It took me extensive counseling just to admit I had a problem. I was so deeply buried under shells that I had build up to protect myself. I was determined not to be vulnerable and to b hurt again from the childhood damage of abuse. This in turn kept me from having intimacy with anyone but I had the old junkie attitude of what's in it for them. I couldn't believe that people could actually care about me without some hidden motivation and my trust level was zilch. This caused me to have a fear of honesty with others and I became an almost a perfect clam. When the counselors finally uncovered decades of bull**** that had hardened into my shells and exposed the pearl that was me I was in terror. It was like oh wow so this is reality. I felt so naked and ashamed because my psyche had went through a radical change. The only problem was that to keep the reprogramming I had to keep going to the meetings to be with people who have went through a similar transformation or otherwise I would de-evolve instead of re-evolve. I still remember part of the programming when I was changing over to this new way of life and try to help others with it at meetings.

karen and Ken i have been feeling like checking out sometimes.no pain,no worries ,just peace.Then i look at my son and think about my family and all the blessings i have.i would never kill myself but sometimes depression sets in and you can't help think morbidly..i am so lonely and sad lately.
iconic i always said i wanted a man with a job but a legitament disability be it mental or physical is different.
hi marie and roy.
yay to amber...hope it works out for you.
welcome wild chic.i am afraid to put myself out there. my depression,panic/anxiety were not accepted by any of my husbands.
I think when people see moodiness in women its automatically a hormone issue...sucks.anyway the holidays are a topsy turvy rollercoaster for me and i'll be glad when they are over !!

Just got back from a NA meeting. Was going to go to the AA but the church had a shindig going on there and I didn't see any familiar cars. Only four showed up at the small NA but sometimes newcomers feel safer and are willing to share more in a smaller group setting. One member was able to share that he had trouble with panic attacks. In a larger group setting he might not have been willing to share. Another member who is gay has no trouble sharing but does repeat himself. The chair person and the youngest of the group seemed to be the most comfortable person there. Oral communication with him seemed less stressed. The weaning process that addicts have to go through has some strange affects. There is always that wondering effect of is it possible to live without mind controlling substances and how do normal people do it. They ask is it possible to live without the use of drugs. One who is trying to recover has to take nonaddictive drugs prescribed by a physician and is doing very good even he took addictive drugs for years. His recovery is slow but steady. We encourage him to keep coming back. Since I find that I am socializing more I find I have longer time periods between the panic attacks.

I think we all have felt like checking out at times, just seems easier than putting up with the day to day grief and pain. I know before my dad went into the nursing home, I was thinking suicide, wouldn't do it because of my grandkids though, but caring for my dad 24/7, working full-time, having him call me home from work every time he needed something was driving me absolutely nuts. I could only leave the house for maybe 3-4 hour time periods then had to be home for him, talk about feeling like a rat trapped in a cage. Couldn't sleep nights because he had the TV blaring 24 hours a day. My pyschologist put me on clonazepam to "make" me sleep so I finally started getting some sleep, but I did think a lot of the time back then about a way out, but thinking about my grandbabies would keep me from doing anything.

Karen - I hope you don't think you were under attack for speaking about something you believe in. I, too, think Dr. Kevorkian has the right idea, when it comes to certain diseases, I think as long as the person still has the mental capability to make the decision, and they know they are going to die an awful death, they should be allowed to select when they go and go peacefully. I just wanted you to know that you have friends here who care about you and we don't want you to hurt yourself.

Roy, I think you have the right idea, socialize more and the panic attacks will become less. It took me a long time to get over my fear/terror of being around people after my divorce. My ex had me so beat down, no self esteem, I couldn't even look anyone in the eye. I would have to sit in the car outside a grocery store and build up my courage to go into the store, plan my route (the milk is here, eggs here, bread here, laundry soap here, etc.) so I could get in and get what I wanted and get out). It took me a really long time to start feeling comfortable just walking into a store. But I do agree that getting out there and doing it is the only cure.

Jax - sorry your are feeling lonely and sad. Have you thought about volunteering or visiting people in nursing homes?? My dad is in one and there are lots of lonely older people there right now too, bet they would love to have someone come and visit them. I know I talk to them when I go in and leave, and they are so happy to see me. Just a thought, they likely hate the holidays too as many of them don't have families or families that visit much.

Last night was a rough one. We just had a German lady admitted and she screamed in blood curdling terror all night. I have had yellers but the screamer is a new one for me. We tried out best to pacify her. God only knows what the past lives of some our residents are. I knew a few words in German from being born there. What a terrible ordeal you had to go through, Marie. My heart goes out to people who have hard life experiences. I just sat in the chair beside her and would stop screaming for as long as I was in the room with her. I asked her why was she screaming as she could speak some words in English. She said because nobody cares. It can get eerie working third shift in a nursing home but I can walk the whole facility and most know me by first name. You brought back some memories about when I had to start to live alone. The nursing home has helped me to deal with a lot of grief. It can have the effect of getting to know yourself real good by those that you care for. I really couldn't think of another line of work that I would like better than what I am doing now. There were times when I isolated only in my room but gradually I moved the computer and TV into the living room where I would have to make my world a little bigger. For a while I was afraid to walk outside and face nature unless of course I had a reason for being out there. I can remember forcing myself to sit even I just bawled. Gradually I begin to stay outside for longer lengths of time. Having the two dogs has really helped a lot. Keeping some kind of music or the TV on helped. Strangely having a lot of pillows help, too.

((marie))i work in a assisted living home on the altzheimers wing so i interact with lonely folk everyday but that was a good idea..one of our residents die yesterday so i am kind of down.i dont understand why i am lonely when i have my 7 yr old living with me.

karen ,please stick around.you are an inspiration to all of us.so many accomplishments.
roy..love your stories :)

Sorry to hear about the one that died, Jax. Had the in service about how passings can affect care givers. The funeral home is right across the street from our nursing home. I got to know the funeral director real well after he hauled off my wife and two months later when I tried to have a girlfriend he hauled her off, too. The first grief compounded with the second grief and OMG the pain it caused. One night while I was sitting outside looking at the funeral parlor across the street I thought how convenient but he is really a nice guy. When I stop off at his office the other day to get a free pen and calendar he asked about my welfare. At first working at the nursing home I found it unbearable to see the cadavers but it forced me to face my grief head on. I asked the aides how do you face this stuff everyday knowing that someday when you come in that one might pass and how do you not get attached. It was simply that you don't. All you can do is make their life bearable in whatever way you can. I really like the quality of life outlook that is in the nursing aide's handbook. It is the quality of life that is important and not the quantity of life that is important. Chances are you did the best you could for the one that you lost in the work environment. Good care giving is all that you can give and hope that it doesn't make you indifferent.

Is this really that hard? Is life really that difficult to be depressed?

Hi Kalamazooguy..it depends. Some people with depression, and if they found the right medication, can live happy and content lives. That is true for anyone with or without depression. But some depressions are more severe than others. About 20% of people with depression are untreatable. The brain chemistry, and other factors are that much out of whack. I think most people on this thread fit that catagory of being untreatable, but we still try. I have been on dozens of medications and nothing has worked. I have had periods of years, not days, of being severely depressed. So depressed I spent 99% of my time inside.

It's like having a cold (mild depression) and having pneumonia (severe depression) with no cure. You can live with it, but it is very difficult. People with depression usually live 10 years less than the average person. It takes that much a toll on you physically and mentally. It is a very serious mental illness. Any more questions you may have, just post them here. Thanks.

Ken

well roy i dont care for them per se but on my side of the home they do have a terminal illness ,one that robs you of your memories,dignity and then kills you.
My depression comes in spurts and it is totally treatable.Its when i forget to take my meds that i get depressed and anxious.
ken,i admire you because you try to help others even though your in pain yourself.big hugs to you.talking to others with these problems has really helped me out a lot...
hugs to all of you.

You are an amazing woman Jax...I love your sense of humor! Thanks for your kind words. Hugs back at you.

thanx ken.from you that is high praise indeed.

One of the requirements of the nursing home that I work at was when I first got the job I had to pay to have a police and FBI check run on me because when I got the license I became liable. I am liable with the county, the state and just about the whole damn world when when I think about it with all the background checks that have been run on me just to work at the facility. I first wondered when I first got the job is this really that necessary. But I am dealing with people's lives, their families and even friends of the family. But man the support groups we have working in this type of facility.

((((( Familia ))))))

I just want to say I have followed this thread from the day it started ,,, and I am in awe of all of you,, Sharing your most inner secrets with the world,, standing up and asking, searching for help for answers,, My love to all of you

Love & Light

May your Holiday season be blessed with love, light and happiness,,,,

your right la mom .this is the thread of the survivors and the fighters.Your a very nice person.i hope you have a great holiday season also..God Bless.

survivors and the fighters,,, Yes and much deeper than that,,,
A home filled with Love and Hope,, for a better today and tomorrow,,, Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh thier is Hope and Love for within all of us thier is life to live,,,,

Thank you LAMom... a woman of great strength and dignity.

(((( Ken ))))) I step into this house everyday and wonder what can I do to help,, Make the day alittle brighter ,,, I am in awe as I sit and read each and every post the strength and love you all share with each other,, the kindness and the hope given,,, I am the one blessed here with such incredible hearts,,, Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh life how incredible it can be,,, My love to all of you