I am just really stressed out and I feel like I am going to my mind is going to explode. I have all my feelings coming at me at one time and I just feel like I turning into a cold person. I try and show the one I love how much I do love her and I find myself on the losing end. I just really don't care what happens to myself anymore. All I do is drink to feel better about the way my life is going and it is going to kill me and I dont care anymore.That is a scary thought but not to me, I think it is kinda peaceful not to suffer anymore. I am sick of feeling miserable everyday. I cant live like this anymore!!!!!!!!!!!

Man that sure brought back some memories, Cutt. I remembered when I just got sick and tired of being sick and tired. I tried to commit suicide on the detox center's front door step. It was very cold that February day and I had been taking all kinds of pills and downing them with alcohol. I thought I will just sit in the snow and I thought screw life because it just sucks anyway. I was so poluted that they carried me into the center on the shoulders of two men. They asked me what my name was and I thought that it was the toughest question that I had been asked. As I passed out on the floor I can remember one of them got the wallet out of my pants pocket to see who I was. Later as I was coming to I was trying to make out what the pidgeons in the vent were trying to say to me. Then I went through delerium tremens. I sweated profusely and that god awful shaking was really something. They had me to eat peanut butter and drank orange juice because it would go down my stomach without me puking it back up. Later they asked me if I might have a problem with drugs and alcohol. It took me about 49 days to consider it and nine more months to think that just maybe they were right. I hope you get help.

Cutts, one of the first things I would suggest is to stop the drinking, it is depressant and will only make you more depressed and make you feel worse. I really think you need to talk to someone professional, there are groups out there for free, you could try AA or Al-Anon, they are very supportive and would have bunch of good people who would want to help you. Also your doctor could help you, I don't know if you need some meds to help you over this rough spot you have hit, or a professional counselor to help you sort things out, but I really think you would feel a lot better if you talked to someone. There are lots of groups in the newspapers, all types, and churches offer counseling too, but I don't know if you go to church or not. I really think you should stop the drinking, that is just dragging you down and making you feel worse and more depressed, and then talk to someone, your doctor, or attend a group somewhere. It is hard to take the first step, but once you do, it will make you feel better and you will be on the road to feeling better. Take care.

someone help me please. i need someone to talk to. if you watchthis video it will explain how i feel. i just lost my girlfriend to my own stupidity. and ineed help. please someone help me. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4N3N1MlvVc4

i took three melatonin tablets. good night.

Slim, Everyone, I just came online from a very long day. I watched this vid

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4N3N1MlvVc4

and put it in a bulletin on my myspace.........very sad and creative.

It's ok to be sad. It took me so long to realize that. Now I have to figure out what to do with all this sad.........

For everyone out here and on this thread, I pray for you every night. Selfish as it may seem, I pray for myself as I live day to day now/again/forever???

Any of you are welcome to e-mail me. You need no invitation........just e-mail and let me know what's going on. Just vent if you want. I'm not saying I can help, but it can help just to know someone gives a rats ass, ya know?

There are lots of caring people here. If you don't want to vent out your personal feelings to the net, find someone here you can trust or at least talk to and start e-mailing....

I still remember the world
from the eyes of a child.
Slowly those feelings
were clouded
by what I know now.

Where has my heart gone?
An uneven trade
for the real world.
I,
I want to go back to
believing in everything
and knowing nothing at all.

I still remember the sun
always warm on my back.
Somehow it seems
colder now.

Where has my heart gone?
Trapped in the eyes
of a stranger.

Oh I,
I want to go back
to believing in everything.

Where has my heart gone?
An uneven trade
for the real world.

Oh I,
I want to go back to
believing in everything.

Oh, where,
where has my heart gone?
Trapped in the eyes
of a stranger.

Oh I,
I want to go back to
believing in everything
I still remember........................

By Evanescence

I am busy lately, but I always check my mail. I may not be able to answer you right away, but I will answer.......I'm not all here either though, so I might be e-mailing some of you someday.

This is a two way door in here. I lost it a few days ago, or was it more like a couple of weeks? I dunno, but if I'm not around, I cracked just like everyone else may.

I just want all of us to stick together. It takes time for people to get back to you sometimes. Threads pick up and slow down, that's where the e-mail comes in.......so come on in.

Karen

I got really upset yesterday thinking about how many people in my life really dont care about me.. Just what I can give them. My friends all tell me that Im too good for that and I know this but its so hard to just get rid of these certain people because I have always thought of them as a friend and always cared... What to do??

True, you need to put yourself first. If they are not treating you right, then they are not your friends. I have spent my life being walked on by other people and wasted most of my life being treated like crap by my own family and still am by my own dad, treats me like his slave, and has destroyed me financially, I won't even go into it, but for parents, they just plain treated me and my middle brother wrong. I know you are supposed to love your parents but I can't stand mine, my mom is dead now, but she was hateful to me and my middle brother. She liked my baby brother and he was given the brass ring of the family and my middle brother and I were treated like crap, all the cousins and others saw it. Anyway, if I had it to do over, I would have cut ties with them years ago, and could have had a much better life, but it is too late now to salvage much.

But you are young and smart. If people aren't treating you right, don't waste your time worrying about them. Concentrate on your real friends, the ones who treat you the way you deserve to be treated. The ones who don't treat you right will just drag you down and make you feel bad. You don't deserve that. Life is short, enjoy yourself and your friends. You deserve to be happy and spend your time making yourself happy. Take care.

Thank you so much Marie

True, listen to Marie. She has been here with me from the start. She is good ppl, and is always there for ppl......I try. Like we all do. You are whats important to you.....ok?

You're welcome True. Spend your time on your real friends, they appreciate you and will love you back. Friends are what make this world go round.

well i got really depressed today but then i rem. its all about tomm. and life goes on

omg i have a parent teacher conference and my nerves are on edge.i just took a klonopin and hopefully i dont throw up on the teacher loli always get this way for any meeting or event and it sucks!!

Hi, Laurie.

I hope it gets better for ya, Jackie.

Do you ever feel like your just running in circles and not really getting any better? You goto therapy every month for 4 years and still feel like its back at square one? It feels like I will never win this battle. Or even find a way to control it. How will I find someone to love me when I don't love myself at all. Soon I will be too old to start any type of family, and be too old to goto college as well. So I get the rest of my life to regret all the mistakes I've made in the last 25 years of my life, and with that on my mind, its hard to move forward. It seems I'm doomed to be a maid for the rest of my life, living in a lonely apartment and wishing that I could reset my life and do things that I wanted to do.

You are loved, Allen. Nene finally got that through my thick skull. You just got to love yourself, Allen. If you don't love yourself then how can you expect someone else to love you? The answer is to be lovable. It has nothing to do with what you look like. You just got let that inner you shine out to the world so others can see it. Stop being down on yourself. You have to get outside like I did and embrace nature. You are a part of nature and nature loves its own. Be a part of the spirit of love and let it grow within you. You got to do like Windows does and boot yourself from your own bootstraps. Don't fight the therapy but accept it.

I know what you mean when you say you dont love yourself. I fight that feeling everyday and I try to love myself but I cant see the good things I do have, and I just threw away alot of things that meant so much. I am dealing with a bad bout of depression. It never seems to get better, only worse. I try and keep fighting but I dont know what I am fighting for. I just know that there is somthing out there that I am fighting for. I just feel like everyday I want to give up and for some reason I dont.I just do. It is hard but I just try to keep my head above water because I will never know if somone cares if I dont.

Everyday is a struggle. Allen, if you want to go to college, then go! I am and I 40!!!! Just turned last month. I finally broke free of other people and being dependent on them, but the depression and bi polar stayed. I didn't expect them to go. I just see my Dr. take my meds, keep going to school, volunteer, teachers aid and tried like hell to fill up so much of my time that I can't think about how lonely and alone I really am. Sadness has been a part of me for so long, I think I would think something was terribly wrong if I weren't. I know that sounds stupid, but it's true. I am working on not regretting the things I wish I had done when I was younger, but Allen, you are the perfect age to start doing just those kinds of things. They can help you to feel better if only a little it is better than feeling like you do now. I know you are thinking, "oh easier said than done". Ya, it is but you can do it and you will feel better. There s financial aid up the butt for disabled people. And young people like you. Try it out. You never know. I didn't know I would end up where I am now but I know that even though I am still sad, bi polar and depressed, I can do things. I can try so hard to have faith in myself. It is hard. I crashed no too long ago. You must have read my post. I was at wits end. So there are no answers, just suggestions to try to help. I really like you. I always have. Try not to be so hard on you and I will try not to be so hard on me, deal?

Cutts, yeah I know the never ending circle. But I also know the keep on keeping on thing too. I fight the failure thing everyday. I beat myself up and pull the rug out from underneath myself often, but as I told Allen, maybe just doing things to make you feel just a little proud of yourself can be a big help. I know I will never be "normal" and I will never find true love, for I don't believe there is anyone out there that can stand me or I them, but I don't feel like I need them anymore either. Lonely hurts, but it's better than waking up to an asshole, ya know? No shame in being lonely, or hanging in there or anything. We are people too and we can live our lives any way we want to. It's just hard to get up and going. We fall sometimes but thats why we are here to try to help pick each other up......

Karen

Karen is right Allen, just jump in and go for it. A change in pace and direction in your life, a new sense of accomplishment, the challenge, will be good for you. You will meet new people and it will be exciting. I admire Karen for taking on college at this point in her life. I took on a college class last winter, I regret not going to college, didn't have the money, got married at 19, divorced at 29, raising a 5 y/o, had to work 2 jobs to support us, there was no time or money for college. I wish I had been able to go. The class I took was interesting and fun, met great people, got my mind going. If I were younger I would jump in, but don't have the energy at this point in my life to take on a lot more, working full time and trying to do some part time work are keeping me busy. But go for it Allen, it could be just what you need in your life to really get your juices going.

Karen - I really do admire you for taking on college and all you are doing with your life. It is hard work and even harder with your daily challenges with your bipolar, but you do it and that takes strength and perseverence. I hope you are giving yourself credit for all that you do, you certainly deserve it. And this talk about never having anyone to love, I don't believe that, you may feel that way now, but give yourself time, you don't know who you may run into someday around the corner. Don't shut yourself off, close the doors for good. Just keep busy with your work and keep your options open, you never know what the future may bring. You are a good person, you deserve a good person to share your life with.

Cutts - like Karen said, never stop fighting. I don't know if you have checked out any groups or any types of counseling but there is real strength in groups, either church, or other types. Have you tried volunteering, that gets you out meeting new people, nursing homes love people to volunteer and the elderly people just love the company, many of them are so lonely and they just love to have someone to talk to or a food bank where you can feel like you are helping someone else. That will help you think about someone other than yourself and make you feel good that you are helping someone. I talk to the elderly people when I visit my dad and some of them are the sweetest people, and they are just plain lonely, heck you could play cards with them or watch a movie or just talk. I would be willing to bet spending time with someone else who appreciated you sharing your time would help you feel a lot better about yourself. It would make you feel better, give you a reason to get up in the morning, and make your whole day feel different. Also, you can check with your doctor for suggestions, he may have ideas. Mental health clinics have lists of groups, and most of them are free. Just some ideas, hope you can find some use out of them. Take care.

This is such a long thread I didn't read everything. I just want to say that I am praying for those of you who are struggleing and encourage you to seek professional help if you are willing. That can be counseling or it can be reading or taking a class but doing nothing is also an answer to many problems. Sometimes they (the so called professionals) can help you solve problems and find resources. Most of the time the work is yours alone. Sometimes "help" is just BS; trust your gut. Take your time and ask questions. What I have learned is some problems never change but how you react to them can. If you break most problems down in doable size bites you can overcome a lot. Time also changes a lot of things so Just hanging in there is not always a bad idea.