all night u dream about chocolate pudding and u wake up with a spoon up your a$$

3 million battered women in the world all have one thing in common

they just don't listen

What do you tell a girl with two black eyes? Nothing you've already told her twice.

How do homosexuals fake orgasm? Spit on each others back

Why do women have legs?
















































Have you seen the mess a snail makes?

a fly is passing by 2 pieces of dung and sees another fly sitting on one of them, he lands and says "pardon me, but is this stool taken?"

An elephant crosses paths with his first naked man and laughs "ha-ha, how do you breathe through that thing?"

jeffrey dahmer's mother is at his place for dinner & starts saying that she doesn't like his friends, he says "you should try the salad."

An abbot & a monk are out in cannibal territory when they are captured. The cannibals grab the monk & throw him in the cooking pot, they come to grab the abbot & he starts screaming "you can't boil me - I'm a friar!"

burning bagels & wearing designer jeans on the neighbors lawn, tell them that you're the klu klux klein.

putting your arm across somebody's shoulder and asking what's the difference between an @sshole & a hemorroid,,,,answer; you can't put your arm around a hemmoroid.

dying my ex-wifes hair gray while she was sleeping.
(its easy guys, just use halloween hairspray. Spray one half of her head, poke her in the rib, say move over. When she rolls over, spray that half. remember to say something suitable when she wakes up, say something like "you look so old, you probably fart dust." Be dressed and ready to go by the time that she looks in the mirror. (it washes out, no harm)

What's the last thing that goes through a bug's mind when he hits the windshield?



His Butt!!

Here's one you can tell the kids.

What do you get when you pour hot water down a rabbit hole?


Hot Cross Bunnies

giving an archeologist a tampon and asking which period it comes from?

giving a tampon with bells & tinsel hanging of it, tell her its for the holiday period.

giving her the best 4 minutes of her life.

quitting a nude play 'cause you have a small part.

having to quit tapdancing because you keep falling in the sink.

doing a laser show for captain & tenille "muskrat love"

kicking a handi-capped person out of one of our parking spaces, 'cause they have their own.

telling people that your ex is so nice, she would give you the hair off her back.

pouring a beer over your hand, so you can get your date drunk.

Is Muffin the Mule a sexual offence?

how about the connotations of post grape-nuts??

Three for you:

* Did you hear about the dislexic devil worshiper ? He sold his soul to Santa ...

* Did you hear about the agnostic, dyslexic insomniac ? He lies awake at night and wonders if dogs really exist ...

* What do you call an atheist just about to be buried ? All dressed up and nowhere to go ...

this one is just too funny!

I walked into a bar yesterday. Most painful thing I ever did.
It was an iron bar![b:]

:banana

A million battered men in this country?

Damn and I've been eating mine plain!







Okay, the joke line that makes me laugh so much I have forgotten the actual joke.

Rectum...I nearly killed him!

Some people are like Slinkys - they really aren't good for anything but pretty funny when you push them down the stairs.

the fastest way to get a nun pregnant;,,,,,dress her up like an altarboy.

a gynecologist with tunnel-vision.

the new sales slogan for tampax; "we're no longer #1, but we're still up there"

calling a gay dentist toothfairy.

If you tried to fail and succeeded, did you fail?

calling the bouncer in a gay bar - flamethrower

a glass-bottomed golfcart

finding out that you don't add water to babypowder.

Why couldn't the life guard save the Hippy???
.....

....

...

..

.
Cause he was Too Far Out!