Three men were waiting at Heaven's Gate. St. Peter says, "OK, guys, pretty much anything goes up here, but whatever you do, never lie, or you will spend the rest of eternity with the ugliest women in the universe."

So they all agree and are admitted in. The first guy makes it a week before he lies about how rich he was on Earth. Bam! Right at his side appears the ugliest woman he had ever seen.

The second guy makes it another couple weeks before he lies about how smart he is. Bam! At his side appears the second ugliest woman in the universe.

So the first two guys are walking around with their monsters of women when they see their third friend walking with the hottest woman ever conceived by man. The first two guys say in unison, "How did you land with that babe when we get stuck with these nasty women?"

He nudges the babe and says, "Tell them." She says to the first two guys, "I lied."

This is a story about a couple who had been happily married for
years. The only friction in their marriage was the husband's habit of farting loudly every morning when he awoke.

The noise would wake his wife and the smell would make her eyes water and make her gasp for air.

Every morning she would plead with him to stop ripping them off because it was making her sick. He told her he couldn't stop
and that it was perfectly natural. She told him to see a
doctor. She was concerned that one day he would blow his guts out.

The years went by and he continued to rip them out! Then one Thanksgiving morning as she was preparing the turkey for dinner and he was upstairs sound asleep, she looked at the bowl where she had put the turkey innards and neck, gizzard, liver and all the spare parts and a malicious thought came to her.

She took the bowl and went upstairs where her husband was sound asleep and, gently pulling back the bed covers, she pulled
back the elastic waistband of his underpants and emptied the bowl of turkey guts into his shorts.

Some time later she heard her husband waken with his usual trumpeting which was followed by a blood curdling scream and
the sound of frantic footsteps as he ran into the bathroom.

The wife could hardly control herself as she rolled on the floor
laughing, tears in her eyes! After years of torture she reckoned she had got him back pretty good.

About twenty minutes later, her husband came downstairs in his
bloodstained underpants with a look of horror on his face.

She bit her lip as she asked him what was the matter. He said, "Honey, you were right. All these years you have warned me
and I didn't listen to you.

"What do you mean?" asked his wife.

"Well, you always told me that one day I would end up farting my guts out, and today it finally happened. But by the grace of God, some Vaseline, and these two fingers, I think I got most of them back in

A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands.

On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin."

"What?" said the puzzled groom.

"How can that be if you've been married ten times?"

"Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative, he kept telling me how great it was going to be.

Husband #2 was in software services, he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.

Husband #3 was from field services, he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.

Husband #4 was in telemarketing, even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.

Husband #5 was an engineer, he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.

Husband #6 was from finance and administration, he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.

Husband #7 was in marketing, although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.

Husband #8 was a psychologist, all he ever did was talk about it.

Husband #9 was a gynecologist, all he did was look at it.

Husband #10 was a stamp collector, all he ever did was... God! I miss him! But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!"

"Good," said the new husband, "but, why?"

"You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm gonna get screwed!"

well in this case i seen it my self this person had issues with my friend the more he tried to be a good person the more he gets the wrap i guess that is how it goes when u r to nice to people some just dont care.

Ok here goes why is that if to people been talking for to years and been in contact and phone but in to differnt states and decide to get together again for a week but when the man goes on a bus for 7 hours get's there meets up with her and walks in to a house where all u hear is yelling at kids for to days and not much time together but when the man trys to get close to her it's almost as he's being brushed of but again she wanted him up there.

Now i had this done to me befor but this story is resent from a guy friend of mine who told me.

So then he feel rejected he gets upset and ask why he went all that way for nothing she drives him back to the bus station to head back to connecticut from new jersey another 7 hours thats 14 hours on the road to see a woman he loved then when he comes back in to town in ct she had a nerve to question him why did he have a beer at the bar and said she wanted to know his history of drinking not this is getting to weird right i know the guy i was with him him an i dont drink i have not touched a beer in 16 years and 2 beers each where conciderd to heavy drinkers omg .

Any how to finish this story she broke it off with him all this man did was take the time to travel to see her and all he wanted was some love and affection he even fixed her computer,helped her out when she needed it but again she didn't have time to sit with him and be thankful he came all that way to see her .

This shows one thing never judge a book by it's cover u never know after u known a person for a long time how they are going to treat you.

But why do people do this to get there hopes up hight tell them they love them and when it comes to it they travel to see the person and gets hurt.

any ways i thought this would be a good story so if any one has exspearenced something like this please feel free to add on but please be nice about it and not be rude .

"ARTHRITIS"..

A drunk man who smelled like whiskey sat down on a bench in a subway
station, next to a priest.

The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick,
and a half empty bottle of Jim Beam was sticking out of his torn coat
pocket.

He opened his newspaper and began reading. After a few minutes the
man turned to the priest and asked, "Say Father, what causes
arthritis?"

The priest replies, "My Son, it's caused by loose living, being with
cheap wicked women, too much alcohol, contempt for your fellow man,
sleeping around with prostitutes, and lack of a bath."

The drunk muttered in response, "Well, I'll be damned," then returned
to his paper.

The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and
apologized.
"I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have
you had arthritis?"

The drunk answered, "I don't have it, Father. I was just reading here
that the Pope does."

you know somethig i was raised right i was taught to never judge any one or make fun of them more less i have morals,respect and passion for others.

I have giving my own jacket right of my back if that person needed it to keep warm and its a good feeling to have knowing that you have done something from your heart.

Thats what this world is missing kindness ,love,understanding ect,It's always rush rush or who is better than the other ect.

But i put this same topic on to plentyoffish as well sense i only go there for the forumes and no more than a hour they voted on it as a attention seeking i mean what kind of site is that if your not alowd to exspress your self or how you feel with out being told its a self pity or attention seeking omg right thats why i love this site better because it has more to offer meeting nice people like your selfs that have a understanding and love and kindness and can share thoughts with out judgng the other Thank you guys and gals for your responses i hope this helps out take care lets hope this post contiues.
and not left on the back burner like some threads.

NEVER JUDGE SOMEONE




Some people!' snorted a man standing behind me at the long line


at the grocery store. '





You would think the manager would pay attention and open another line, 'said a woman.





I looked to the front of the line to see what the hold up was and saw


a well dressed, young woman, trying to get the machine to accept her credit card.





No matter how many times she swiped it, the machine kept rejecting it.





'It's one of them welfare card things. Darn people need to get a job


like everyone else,' said the man standing behind me.





The young woman turned around to see who had made the comment.


'It was me,' he said, pointing to himself.





The young lady's face began to change expression.





Almost in tears, she dropped the welfare card onto the counter


and quickly walked out of the store.





Everyone in the checkout line watched as she began running to her car.





Never looking back, she got in and drove away.





After developing cancer in 1977 and having had to use food stamps; I had learned never to judge anyone, without knowing the circumstances of their life. This turned out to be the case today.





Several minutes later a young man walked into the store. He went up to the cashier and asked if she had seen the woman. After describing her, the cashier told him that she had run out of the store, got into her car, and drove away.





'Why would she do that?' asked the man.





Everyone in the line looked around at the fellow who had made the statement.





'I made a stupid comment about the welfare card she was using. Something I shouldn't have said. I'm sorry,' said the man.





'Well, that's bad, real bad, in fact. Her brother was killed in Afghanistan two years ago.





He had three young children and she has taken on that responsibility. She's twenty years old, single, and now has three children to support,' he said in a very firm voice.





'I'm really truly sorry. I didn't know,' he replied, shaking both his hands about.





The young man asked, 'Are these paid for?' pointing to the


shopping cart full of groceries. 'It wouldn't take her card,' the clerk told him.





'Do you know where she lives?' asked the man who had made the comment.





'Yes, she goes to our church.'





'Excuse me,' he said as he made his way to the front of the line.





He pulled out his wallet, took out his credit card and told the cashier,





'Please use my card. PLEASE!'





The clerk took his credit card and began to ring up the young woman's groceries.





'Hold on', said the gentleman. He walked back to his shopping cart and began loading his own groceries onto the belt to be included. 'Come on people. We got three kids to help raise!' he told everyone in line.





Everyone began to place their groceries onto the fast moving belt. A few customers began bagging the food and placing it into separate carts.


'Go back and get two big turkeys,' yelled a heavyset woman, as she looked at the man.





'NO,' yelled the man. Everyone stopped dead in their tracks. The entire store became quiet for several seconds.





'Four turkeys,' yelled the man.





Everyone began laughing and went back to work.





When all was said and done, the man paid a total of $1,646.57 for the groceries. He then walked over to the side, pulled out his check book, and began writing a check using the bags of dog food piled near the front of the store for a writing surface.





He turned around and handed the check to the young man.





'She will need a freezer and a few other things as well,' he told the man.





The young man looked at the check and said, 'This is really very generous of you.'





'No,' said the man. 'Her brother was the generous one.'





Everyone in the store had been observing the odd commotion and began to clap.





And I drove home that day feeling very American.





We live in the Land of the free, because of the Brave!!!





emember our Troops of Yesterday and Today!!!





A great example of why we should be kind and patient.





Kindness is the language the blind can see and the deaf can hear.





May God's many blessings continue to be with you - ALWAYS!!!








MAY THIS KEEP GOING.... IT WILL OPEN A LOT OF EYES,


HOPEFULLY HEARTS, AND KEEP SOME MOUTHS SHUT.

It was last Wednesday night, and I was sitting in my room watching television when the phone rang.



"Hello?"



A girl's voice came over the line. "Can I speak to Ben, please?"



I live by myself, and my name definitely is not Ben. It was probably a wrong number and I was bored.



"I'm sorry, he's not in right now. Can I take a message?"



"Do you know what time he'll be back?" she responded.



"I think he said he'd be home around 10:00."



Silence on the other end... a confused silence.



"Is this Steve?"



My name isn't Steve, either. This was definitely a wrong number.



"Yes, it is. Do you want to leave a message for Ben?"



"Well... he said he would be home tonight and asked me to call him..." she said in a slightly irritated voice.



I replied, "Well, he went out with Karen about an hour ago, and said that he would be back at 10:00."



A shocked voice now: "Who's Karen?!"



"The girl he went out with."



"I know that! I mean... who is she?"



"I don't know her last name. Look, do you want me to leave a message for Ben?"



"Yes... please do. Tell him to call me when he gets home."



She was sounding pretty irate at this point, and I could hear her temper flaring. "I sure will. Is this Jennifer?"



She exploded this time. "Who's Jennifer?"



Apparently she wasn't.



"Well... he's going out with Jennifer at 10:00. I thought you were her. Sorry... it was an honest mistake."



"Ben's the one that's made the mistake! Tell him that Alice called him that she's very upset and that I would like him to call me as soon as he gets home."



I smiled and said, "Okay, I will... but Becky isn't going to like this..."

You have two choices in life:You can stay single and be miserable, or get married and wish you were dead.



At a cocktail party, one woman said to another, "Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger? "

Yes, I am. I married the wrong man."



A lady inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: "Husband Wanted". Next day she received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing:

"You can have mine."



When a woman steals your husband, there is no better revenge than to let her keep him.



A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?"

Father replied, "I don't know son, I'm still paying."



Young son: "Is it true Dad, that in some parts of Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?"

Dad: "That happens in every country, son."



Then there was a woman who said, "I never knew what real happiness was until I got married, and by then, it was too late."



Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.



If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.



Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all.



First guy: "My wife's an angel!" Second guy: "You're lucky, mine's still alive."

HER DIARY

Saturday night I thought he was acting weird.

We had made plans to meet at a bar to have a drink. I was shopping with my friend all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment. Conversation wasn't flowing so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk, he agreed but he kept quiet and absent. I asked him what was wrong and he said nothing. I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset. He said it had nothing to do with me and not to worry.

On the way home I told him that I loved him, he simply smiled and kept driving. I can't explain his behavior; I don't know why he didn't say I love you too.

When we got home I felt as if I had lost him, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore. He just sat there and watched T.V. He seemed distant and absent. Finally I decided to go to bed. About 10 minutes later he came to bed and to my surprise he responded to my caress and we made love, but I still felt that he was distracted and his thoughts were somewhere else. I decided that I could not take it anymore and I wanted to confront him with the situation but he had fallen asleep. I started crying and cried until I too fell asleep.

I don't know what to do. I'm almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else. My life is a disaster.

HIS DIARY

Played a horrible game of golf today. Shot a 97. Can't putt for ****. Got laid though.

Oil Change instructions for Women:

1. Pull up to Jiffy Lube when the mileage reaches 3000 miles since the last oil change.

2. Drink a cup of coffee.

3. 15 minutes later, write a check and leave with a properly maintained vehicle.



Money spent:
Oil Change $20.00
Coffee $1.00
Total $21.00


Oil Change instructions for Men:

1. Wait until Saturday, drive to auto parts store and buy a case of oil, filter, kitty litter, hand cleaner and a scented tree, write a check for $50.00..

2. Stop by 7 - 11 and buy a case of beer, write a check for $20....00, drive home.

3. Open a beer and drink it.

4. Jack car up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands.

5. Find jack stands under kid's pedal car.

6. In frustration, open another beer and drink it.

7. Place drain pan under engine.

8. Look for 9/16 box end wrench.

9. Give up and use crescent wrench.

10. Unscrew drain plug.

11. Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil: splash hot oil on you in process. Cuss.

12. Crawl out from under car to wipe hot oil off of face and arms. Throw kitty litter on spilled oil.

13. Have another beer while watching oil drain.

14. Spend 30 minutes looking for oil filter wrench.

15. Give up; crawl under car and hammer a screwdriver through oil filter and twist off.

16. Crawl out from under car with dripping oil filter splashing oil everywhere from holes. Cleverly hide old oil filter among trash in trash can to avoid environmental penalties. Drink a beer.

17. Buddy shows up; finish case of beer with him. Decide to finish oil change tomorrow so you can go see his new garage door opener.

18. Sunday: Skip church because "I gotta finish the oil change." Drag pan full of old oil out from underneath car. Cleverly dump oil in hole in back yard instead of taking it back to Kragen to recycle.

19. Throw kitty litter on oil spilled during step 18.

20. Beer? No, drank it all yesterday.

21. Walk to 7-11; buy beer.

22. Install new oil filter making sure to apply a thin coat of oil to gasket surface.

23. Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine.

24. Remember drain plug from step 11.

25. Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.

26. Remember that the used oil is buried in a hole in the back yard, along with drain plug.

27. Drink beer.

28. Shovel out hole and sift oily mud for drain plug. Re-shovel oily dirt into hole. Steal sand from kids sandbox to cleverly cover oily patch of ground and avoid environmental penalties. Wash drain plug in lawnmower gas.

29. Discover that first quart of fresh oil is now on the floor. Throw kitty litter on oil spill.

30. Drink beer.

31. Crawl under car getting kitty litter into eyes. Wipe eyes with oily rag used to clean drain plug. Slip with stupid crescent wrench tightening drain plug and bang knuckles on frame.

32. Bang head on floorboards in reaction to step 31.

33. Begin cussing fit.

34. Throw stupid crescent wrench.

35. Cuss for additional 10 minutes because wrench hit Miss December (1992) in the left boob.

36. Beer.

37. Clean up hands and forehead and bandage as required to stop blood flow.

38. Beer.

39. Beer.

40. Dump in five fresh quarts of oil.

41. Beer.

42. Lower car from jack stands.

43. Accidentally crush remaining case of new motor oil.

44. Move car back to apply more kitty litter to fresh oil spilled during steps 23 - 43.

45. Beer.

46. Test drive car.

47. Get pulled over: arrested for driving under the influence.

48. Car gets impounded.

49. Call loving wife, make bail.

50. 12 hours later, get car from impound yard.



Money spent:
Parts $50.00
DUI $2500.00
Impound fee $75.00
Bail $1500.00
Beer $40.00
Total-- $4165.00



-- But you know the job was done right.......

At last a guy has taken the time to write this all down. Finally, the guys' side of the story. (I must admit, it's pretty good.) We always hear"the rules"from the female point of view... Now here are the rules from the male side. These are our rules! Please note... these are all numbered "1" ON PURPOSE!

1. Men ARE NOT mind readers.

1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

1. Sunday sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.

1. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way.

1. Crying is blackmail.

1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!

1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

1. Come to us with a problem only If you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.

1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.

1. If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret Girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.

1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.

1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.

1. You can either ask us to do something OR tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

1. Whenever possible, Please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

1. Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we.

1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what a mauve is.

1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.

1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," ! We will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.

1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine...Really.

1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as baseball, the shotgun formation, or golf.

1. You have enough clothes.

1. You have too many shoes.

1. I am in shape. Round IS a shape!



Thank you for reading this. Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight; but did you know men really don't mind that? It's like camping.

Men Are Just Happier People-- What do you expect from such simple creatures?

Your last name stays put.

The garage is all yours.

Wedding plans take care of themselves.

Chocolate is just another snack.


You can be President.

You can never be pregnant.

You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.

You can wear NO shirt to a water park. Car


Mechanics tell you the truth.

The world is your urinal.

You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky.


You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.


Same work, more pay.

Wrinkles add character.

Wedding dress $5000. Tux rental-$100.


People never stare at your chest when you are talking to them.

The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.

New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.

One mood all the time.

Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.

You know stuff about tanks.


A 5 day vacation requires only one suitcase .

You can open all of your own jars.

You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.


If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend.


Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack.

Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.

You almost never have strap problems in public.

You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.

Everything on your face stays its original color.

The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe even decades.

You only have to shave your face and neck.


You can play with toys all your life.

Your belly usually hides your big hips.

One wallet and one pair of shoes one color for all seasons.

You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look.

You can "do" your nails with a pocket knife.

You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.

You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes.



No wonder men are happier.

Men strike back!
How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened when she brings it.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you.
--------------------------------------------------------------------
Why do women have smaller feet than men?
It's one of those 'evolutionary things' that allows them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
When she starts a sentence with 'A man once told me...'
-------------------------------------------------------------------
How do you fix a woman's watch?
You don't theres a clock on the oven.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Why do men pass gas more than women?
Because women can't shut up long enough to build up the required pressure.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?
The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?
A woman who won't do what she's told
-------------------------------------------------------------------
I married a Miss Right.
I just didn't know her first name was Always.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%.
It's called a Wedding Cake
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Why do men die before their wives?
They want to.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Women will never be equal to men

until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
In the beginning, God created the earth and rested.
Then God created Man and rested.
Then God created Woman.
Since then, neither God nor Man has rested.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Send this to a few good men who need a laugh and to the select few women who can handle the Truth!

A couple had been married for 50 years.

They were sitting at the breakfast table one morning when the old gentleman said to his wife, "Just think, honey, we've been married for 50 years."

"Yeah," she replied, "Just think, fifty years ago we were sitting here at this breakfast table together."

"I know," the old man said, "We were probably sitting here naked as jaybirds fifty years ago."

"Well," Granny snickered, "What do you say...should we get naked?"

Where upon the two stripped to the buff and sat down at the table.

"You know, honey," the little old lady breathlessly replied, "My breasts are as hot for you today as they were fifty years ago."

"I wouldn't be surprised," replied Gramps. "One's in your coffee and the other is in your oatmeal!

An old man and his wife have gone to bed.

After laying there a few minutes the old man farts and says, "Seven Points."

His wife rolls over and says, "What in the world was that?"

The old man replied, "It's fart football... I just scored."

A few minutes later the wife lets one go and says, "Touchdown, tie score."

After about five minutes the old man farts again and says, "Touchdown, I'm ahead 14 to 7."

Not to be out done the wife rips another one and says, "Touchdown, tie score."

Five seconds go by and she lets out a squeaker and says, "Field goal, I lead 17 to 14."

Now the pressure's on and the old man refuses to get beat by a woman so he strains real hard but to no avail.

Realizing a defeat is totally unacceptable, he gives it everything he has, but instead of farting, he poops the bed.

The wife looks and says, "What the heck was that?"

The old man replied, "Half-time, Switch sides."

THE GOLDEN YEARS HAVE COME AT LAST,

I CANNOT SEE, I CANNOT PEE

I CANNOT CHEW, I CANNOT SCREW

MY MEMORY SHRINKS, MY HEARING STINKS,

NO SENSE OF SMELL, I LOOK LIKE HELL,

MY BODY'S DROOPING, GOT TROBLE POOPING.

THE GOLDEN YEARS HAVE COME AT LAST,

THE GOLDEN YEARS CAN KISS MY ASS

A man decides to have a face-lift for his birthday. He spends $5,000 and feels really good about the results. On his way home, he stops at a newsstand and buys a paper.

Before leaving, he says to the sales clerk, "I hope you don't mind me asking, but how old do you think I am?"

"About 35," was the reply.

"I'm actually 47," the man says, feeling really happy.

After that, he goes into McDonalds for lunch and asks the clerk the same question.

The reply is, "Oh, you look about 29".

"I am actually 47."

Later, while standing at a bus stop, he asks an old woman the same question.

She replies, "I am 85 years old, and my eyesight is going. But when I was young, there was a sure way of telling a man's age. If I put my hand down your pants and play with your balls for 10 minutes, I will be able to tell you your exact age."

As there was no one around, the man thinks, What the hell and lets her slip her hand down his pants.

Ten minutes later, the old lady says, "Okay, it's done. You are 47."

Stunned, the man says, "That was brilliant. How did you do that?"

The old lady replies, "I was behind you at McDonalds."

A drunk walks up to a barkeeper one day and says, "If I show you a trick will you give me a free drink?" The Barkeep says "Depends on how good of a trick it is."

The Drunk reaches into his pocket and pulls out a frog and places him behind the piano. The frog starts to play the sweetest jazz riff the barkeeper has ever heard. He pours the drunk his drink.

The drunk, after killing his drink says, "If I show you another trick can I have another free one?" The barkeep says "If it is anything like that last one, you can drink free all night." The drunk reaches into his other pocket, pulls out a rat, sets it on top of the piano, and the rat starts scatting along with the frog."

Impressed, the barkeeper starts to pour drinks as fast as the drunk can drink 'em. After several hours, a big time Hollywood agent walks in, sees the act and franticaly asks the barkeeper who it belongs to. The barkeeper points to the drunk who is passed out on the floor.

The agent wakes him up and says, "I will give you 1 Million dollars for that act." The drunks says "not for sale". The agent says, "Ok, 100 grand for just the scating rat." The drunk say, "deal" The agent writes the check and leaves with the rat.

The barkeeper looks at the drunk and says, "Are you nuts? You had a Million dollar act that you just broke up for a whimpy 100 g's?"

The Drunk says, "Relax, the frog is a vantriliqist"