I once took a sex-education class in college and a funny thing happened one day.

The professor arrived and said we'd be discussing positions that day and asked us how many positions did we know. I sat there too embarrassed to speak but one gal a couple of seats over said, "Twelve."

The professor nodded approval but as he got ready to call on another student, there was a loud call from the far back row of the 150 seat auditorium, "A hundred and one."

The little professor looked over his thick glasses but couldn't make out who had spoken. Finally he called on a fellow down in the front row who replied, "Seven."

And once again from the very back was heard, "A hundred and one."

Finally he called on a very shy lady sitting next to me. At first she acted like she wasn't going to answer.
Finally she said, "Only one, sir."

And the professor said, "Well young lady that is unusual. And what position would that be?"

"With the man on top and woman on the bottom," she replied.

From the back of the room came that same voice, "A hundred and two!"

I became confused when I heard these terms with reference to the word 'service'.

Internal Revenue 'Service'
U.S. Postal 'Service'
Telephone 'Service'
TV 'Service'
Civil 'Service'
State, City, County & Public 'Service'
Customer 'Service'

This is not what I thought 'service' meant. But today, I overheard two farmers talking, and one of them said he had hired a bull to 'service' a few cows.



BAM!!! It all came into focus.

Now I understand what all those 'service' agencies are doing to us.

Now you are as enlightened as I am.

1. Wear your glasses. Make sure your partner is actually in the bed.

2. Set timer for 3 minutes, in case you doze off in the middle.

3. Set the mood with lighting. (Turn them ALL OFF!)

4. Make sure you put 911 on your speed dial before you begin.

5. Write partner's name on your hand in case you can't remember.

6. Keep the polygrip close by so your teeth don't end up under the bed.

7. Have Tylenol ready in case you actually complete the act.

8. Make all the noise you want. The neighbors are deaf too.

9. If it works, call everyone you know with the good news.

10. Don't even think about trying it twice.

A 6 year old and a 4 year old are upstairs in their bedroom. 'You know what?' says the 6 year old. 'I think it's about time we started cussing. The 4 year old nods his head in approval. The 6 year old continues, 'When we go downstairs for breakfast, I'm gonna say something with hell and you say something with ass.' The 4 year old agrees with enthusiasm.

When the mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 6 year old what he wants for breakfast, he replies, 'Aw, hell, Mom, I guess I'll have some Cheerios.'

WHACK! He flies out of his chair, tumbles across the kitchen floor, gets up, and runs upstairs crying his eyes out, with his mother in hot pursuit, slapping his rear with every step. His mom locks him in his room and shouts, 'You can stay there until I let you out!'

She then comes back downstairs, looks at the 4 year old and asks with a stern voice 'And what do YOU want for breakfast, young man?' I don't know, he blubbers, but you can bet your ass it won't be Cheerios!!

1. Police in Wichita, Kansas, arrested a 22-year-old man at an airport hotel after he tried to pass two (counterfeit) $16 bills.

2. A man in Johannesburg, South Africa, shot his 49-year-old friend in the face, seriously wounding him, while the two practiced shooting beer cans off each others head.

3. A company trying to continue its five-year perfect safety record showed its workers a film aimed at encouraging the use of safety goggles on the job. According to Industrial Machinery News, the film's depiction of gory industrial accidents was so graphic that twenty-five workers suffered minor injuries in their rush to leave the screening room. Thirteen others fainted, and one man required seven stitches after he cut his head falling off a chair while watching the film.

4. The Chico, California, City Council enacted a ban on nuclear weapons, setting a $500 fine for anyone detonating one within city limits.

5. A bus carrying five passengers was hit by a car in St. Louis, but by the time police arrived on the scene, fourteen pedestrians had boarded the bus and had begun to complain of whiplash injuries and back pain.

6. Swedish business consultant Ulf af Trolle labored 13 years on a book about Swedish economic solutions. He took the 250-page manuscript to be copied, only to have it reduced to 50,000 strips of paper in seconds when a worker confused the copier with the shredder.

7. A convict broke out of jail in Washington D.C., then a few days later accompanied his girlfriend to her trial for robbery. At lunch, he went out for a sandwich. She needed to see him, and thus had him paged. Police officers recognized his name and arrested him as he returned to the courthouse in a car he had stolen over the lunch hour.

8. Police in Radnor, Pennsylvania, interrogated a suspect by placing a metal colander on his head and connecting it with wires to a photocopy machine. The message "He's lying" was placed in the copier, and police pressed the copy button each time they thought the suspect wasn't telling the truth. Believing the "lie detector" was working, the suspect confessed.

9. When two service station attendants in Ionia, Michigan, refused to hand over the cash to an intoxicated robber, the man threatened to call the police. They still refused, so the robber called the police and was arrested.

10. A Los Angeles man who later said he was "tired of walking," stole a steamroller and led police on a 5 mph chase until an officer stepped aboard and brought the vehicle to a stop.

11. A fierce gust of wind blew 45-year-old Vittorio Luise's car into a river near Naples, Italy, in 1983. He managed to break a window, climb out and swim to shore -- where a tree blew over and killed him.

12. Mike Stewart, 31, of Dallas was filming a movie in 1983 on the dangers of low-level bridges when the truck he was standing on passed under a low-level bridge -- killing him.

13. Walter Hallas, a 26-year-old store clerk in Leeds, England, was so afraid of dentists that in 1979 he asked a fellow worker to try to cure his toothache by punching him in the jaw. The punch caused Hallas to fall down, hitting his head, and he died of a fractured skull.

14. Two West German motorists had an all-too-literal head-on collision in heavy fog near the small town of Guetersloh. Each was guiding his car at a snail's pace near the center of the road. At the moment of impact their heads were both out of the windows when they smacked together. Both men were hospitalized with severe head injuries. Their cars weren't scratched.

15. George Schwartz, owner of a factory in Providence, R.I., narrowly escaped death when a 1983 blast flattened his factory except for one wall. After treatment for minor injuries, he returned to the scene to search for files. The remaining wall then collapsed on him, killing him.

16. Depressed since he could not find a job, 42-year-old Romolo Ribolla, in 1981, sat in his kitchen near Pisa, Italy, with a gun to his hand threatening to kill himself. His wife pleaded for him not to do it, and after about an hour he burst into tears and threw the gun to the floor. It went off and killed his wife.

17. In 1983, a Mrs. Carson of Lake Kushaqua, N.Y., was laid out in her coffin, presumed dead of heart disease. As mourners watched, she suddenly sat up. Her daughter dropped dead of fright.

18. A man hit by a car in New York in 1977 got up uninjured, but laid back down in front of the car when a bystander told him to pretend he was hurt so he could collect insurance money. The car rolled forward and crushed him to death.

19. Surprised while burgling a house in Antwerp, Belgium, a thief fled out the back door, clambered over a nine-foot wall, dropped down and found himself in the city prison.

20. In 1976 a twenty-two-year-old Irishman, Bob Finnegan, was crossing the busy Falls Road in Belfast, when he was struck by a taxi and flung over its roof. The taxi drove away and, as Finnegan lay stunned in the road, another car ran into him, rolling him into the gutter. It too drove on. As a knot of gawkers gathered to examine the magnetic Irishman, a delivery van plowed through the crowd, leaving in its wake three injured bystanders and an even more battered Bob Finnegan. When a fourth vehicle came along, the crowd wisely scattered and only one person was hit, Bob Finnegan. In the space of two minutes Finnegan suffered a fractured skull, broken pelvis, broken leg, and other assorted injuries. Hospital officials said he would recover.

21. While motorcycling through the Hungarian countryside, Cristo Falatti came up to a railway line just as the crossing gates were coming down. While he sat idling, he was joined by a farmer with a goat, which the farmer tethered to the crossing gate. A few moments later a horse and cart drew up behind Falatti, followed in short order by a man in a sports car. When the train roared through the crossing, the horse startled and bit Falatti on the arm. Not a man to be trifled with, Falatti responded by punching the horse in the head. In consequence the horse's owner jumped down from his cart and began scuffling with the motorcyclist. The horse, which was not up to this sort of excitement, backed away briskly, smashing the cart into the sports car. At this, the sports car driver leaped out of his car and joined the fray. The farmer came forward to try to pacify the three flailing men. As he did so, the crossing gates rose and his goat was strangled. At last report, the insurance companies were still trying to sort out the claims.

22. In a classic case of one thing leading to another, seven men aged eighteen to twenty-nine received jail sentences of three to four years in Kingston-on-Thames, England, in 1979 after a fight that started when one of the men threw a french fry at another while they stood waiting for a train.

23. Hitting on the novel idea that he could end his wife's incessant nagging by giving her a good scare, Hungarian Jake Fen built an elaborate harness to make it look as if he had hanged himself. When his wife came home and saw him she fainted. Hearing a disturbance a neighbor came over and, finding what she thought were two corpses, seized the opportunity to loot the place. As she was leaving the room, her arms laden, the outraged and suspended Mr. Fen kicked her stoutly in the backside. This so surprised the lady that she dropped dead of a heart attack. Happily, Mr. Fen was acquitted of manslaughter and he and his wife were reconciled.

24. An unidentified English woman, according to the London Sunday Express was climbing into the bathtub one afternoon when she remembered she had left some muffins in the oven. Naked, she dashed downstairs and was removing the muffins when she heard a noise at the door. Thinking it was the baker, and knowing he would come in and leave a loaf of bread on the kitchen table if she didn't answer his knock, the woman darted into the broom cupboard. A few moments later she heard the back door open and, to her eternal mortification, the sound of footsteps coming toward the cupboard. It was the man from the gas company, coming to read the meter. "Oh," stammered the woman, "I was expecting the baker." The gas man blinked, excused himself and departed.

Whatever you give a woman, she will make greater.

If you give her sperm, she'll give you baby.

If you give her a house, she'll give you a home.

If you give her groceries, she'll give you a meal.

If you give her a smile, she'll give you her heart.

She multiplies and enlarges what is given to her. So, if you give her any crap, be ready to receive a ton of s**t!

A Blond goes to the post office to buy stamps for her Christmas cards. She says to the clerk, "May I have 50 Christmas stamps?"

The clerk says, "What denomination?"

The Blond says, "God help us. Has it come to this? Give me 6 Catholic, 12 Presbyterian, 10 Lutheran and 22 Baptists."

One day, a long, long, time ago, there lived a woman who did not whine, nag, or *****.

But it was a long time ago, and it was just that one day.

The End





(Of course you ladies know this was posted all in good fun)

Two blond girls were working for the city public works department.

One would dig a hole and the other would follow behind her and fill the hole in. They worked up one side of the street, then down the other, then moved on to the next street, working furiously all day without rest, one girl digging a hole, the other girl filling it in again.

An onlooker was amazed at their hard work, but couldn't understand what they were doing. So he asked the hole digger,

'I'm impressed by the effort you two are putting in to your work, but I don't get it -- why do you dig a hole, only to have your partner follow behind and fill it up again?'

The hole digger wiped her brow and sighed, 'Well, I suppose it probably looks odd because we're normally a three-person team. But today the girl who plants the trees called in sick.'

Two blond girls were working for the city public works department.

One would dig a hole and the other would follow behind her and fill the hole in. They worked up one side of the street, then down the other, then moved on to the next street, working furiously all day without rest, one girl digging a hole, the other girl filling it in again.

An onlooker was amazed at their hard work, but couldn't understand what they were doing. So he asked the hole digger,

'I'm impressed by the effort you two are putting in to your work, but I don't get it -- why do you dig a hole, only to have your partner follow behind and fill it up again?'

The hole digger wiped her brow and sighed, 'Well, I suppose it probably looks odd because we're normally a three-person team. But today the girl who plants the trees called in sick.'

Father Murphy walks into a pub in Ireland, and says to the first man he meets, 'Do you want to go to heaven?'

The man said, 'I do, Father.'

The priest said, 'Then stand over there against the wall.'

Then the priest asked the second man, 'Do you want to go to heaven?'

'Certainly, Father,' was the man's reply.

'Then stand over there against the wall,' said the priest.

Then Father Murphy walked up to O'Toole and said, 'Do you want to go to heaven?'

O'Toole said, 'No, I don't Father.'

The priest said, 'I don't believe this. You mean to tell me that when you die you don't want to go to heaven?'

O'Toole said, 'Oh, when I die, yes. I thought you were getting a group together to go right now.'

How do you know when you're staying in a Redneck motel?
When you call the front desk and say, "I gotta leak in my sink", and the clerk replies, 'Go ahead'.



Did you hear that they have raised the minimum drinking age for Rednecks to 32?
It seems they want to keep alcohol out of the high schools.



Two reasons why it's so hard to solve a Redneck murder:
1) The DNA is all the same
2) There are no dental records



Who invented the toothbrush ?
A Redneck If it had been invented by anyone else, it would have been called a teethbrush.)



Did you hear about the $3 million Redneck Lottery ?
The winner gets $3.00 a year for a million years.



A new Redneck law was just recently passed .
When a couple gets divorced, they are STILL cousins.



Did you hear that the Redneck governor's mansion
burned down ?
'Yep. Prit'near took out the whole trailer park. The
library was a total loss too. Both books went poof . . . up in flames and the governor hadn't even finished coloring one of them.'

An older lady was somewhat lonely and decided she needed a
pet to keep her company. So, off to the pet shop she went.

She searched and searched. None of the pets seemed to catch her interest, except this ugly frog.

As she walked by the jar he was in, she looked and he winked at her.

He whispered,"I'M SO LONELY, TOO. BUY ME AND TAKE ME
HOME. YOU WON'T EVER BE SORRY.'


The old lady figured, what the heck! She hadn't found
anything else. So, she bought the frog.

She placed him in the car, on the front seat beside her. As she was slowly driving down the road, the frog
whispered to her 'KISS ME AND YOU WON'T BE SORRY.'!

So! The old lady figured, WHAT THE HECK, and kissed the
frog.


IMMEDIATELY the frog turned into an absolutely gorgeous,
sexy, young, handsome prince.

The Prince then returned the old lady's kiss.

Suddenly the old lady felt herself transforming from his kiss. Now, can you guess what the old lady turned into?

COME ON GUESS!

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SHE TURNED INTO THE FIRST HOLIDAY INN SHE COULD FIND!!!

She's old...... NOT DEAD !!!!

Japanese scientists have created a camera with a shutter speed so fast, they can now photograph a woman with her mouth shut.

Okay, I don't want to hear about what Obama is going to do; done heard that enough.

Only because I don't know, can someone tell me what he has done that is for the good of America?

BLACK PEOPLE MADE THIS COUNTRY OUT OF THEIR BLOOD so its just right to right it.............. Do you mean all by themselves? Seems they still are making the country out of their blood... see it on the news every night.... Now; doesn't that sound like a racist? Or was that just the BS you claim I am spouting....

Done with you.....

So much hate and anger.... can never have a logical discussion when hate and anger are involved. How can you expect anyone to take you serious if that is your only argument... Race Race Race. Hell, my ancestors were thrown out of their country, been admonished and abused because of who they were, but I don't feel the need to hold a grudge. It was so long ago and no affect on anything that has happened good or bad in my life. I had control of that. I can't blame anyone for any success or failure I have endured except myself.

Sure, I could quote all kinds of programs designated only for blacks, such as the United Negro College Fund, Miss Black America, etc. I have always, as I am sure many other non-Negro people have, what repercussions would occur if there were White only groups as listed? We all know how that would turn out.

And I REFUSE to add the tag of my heritage before the word American.... I'm American regardless of my color. By doing that it only causes separation amongst the HUMAN RACE once again....

So do you mean you are only voting for Obama because of his race? Doesn't he have a white parent in the mix? Almost like defeating your purpose if that is the reason for your vote... still voting for at least half-white. It would be like voting for McCain because of his female running mate.... the novelty of something new. Hmmm.... vote to have the first half-black president, or vote because there is a female on the ticket and if McCain kicks during the term, first female president? Choices, choices, choices..... Oh, wait? Shouldn't it be about the platform and what is going to be done for the betterment of the country?

First off, I have nothing against the man personally. Like I said at the beginning of the post, it was sent to me. I just posted it for discussion. It seems when there is nothing logical to say or a viable argument, a racist accusation is thrown in to stop everything. How dare you call me a racist! I have never been or will never be such a demeaning person. I don't judge anyone on race, religion or sexual preference. Everyone has something to offer, but when you make a comment like that you belittle every effort made to put a halt to racism. And by the way, racism does go both ways. Cut me down more, I don't care. It just shows how small minded you can be.

Uh.... When did Racism fit into this?