TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING FRENCH:
1. When speaking fast you can make yourself sound gay.
2. Experience the joy of winning the World Cup for the first time.
3. You get to eat insect food like snails and frog's legs.
4. If there's a war you can surrender really early.
5. You don't have to read the subtitles on those late night films on Channel 4.
6. You can test your own nuclear weapons in other people's countries.
7. You can be ugly and still become a famous film star.
8. Allow Germans to march up and down your most famous street humiliating your sense of national pride.
9. You don't have to bother with toilets, just **** in the street.
10. People think you're a great lover even when you're not.

An old man in his mid-eighties struggles to get up from the couch then starts putting on his coat.

His wife, seeing the unexpected behavior, asks, 'Where are you going?'

He replies, 'I'm going to the doctor.'

She says, 'Why, are you sick?'

He says, 'Nope, I'm going to get me some of that Viagra stuff.'

Immediately the wife starts working and positioning herself to get out of her rocker and begins to put on her coat.

He says, 'Where the heck are you going'?

She answers, 'I'm going to the doctor, too.'

He says, 'Why, what do you need?'

She says, 'If you're going to start using that rusty old thing, I'm getting a Tetanus shot.'

THESE REALLY WORK!!


1. AVOID CUTTING YOURSELF WHEN SLICING VEGETABLES BY GETTING SOMEONE ELSE TO HOLD THE VEGETABLES WHILE YOU CHOP.

2. AVOID ARGUMENTS WITH THE FEMALES ABOUT LIFTING THE TOILET SEAT BY USING THE SINK.

3. FOR HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE SUFFERERS ~ SIMPLY CUT YOURSELF AND BLEED FOR A FEW MINUTES, THUS REDUCING THE PRESSURE ON YOUR VEINS. REMEMBER TO USE A TIMER.

4. A MOUSE TRAP PLACED ON TOP OF YOUR ALARM CLOCK WILL PREVENT YOU FROM ROLLING OVER AND GOING BACK TO SLEEP AFTER YOU HIT THE SNOOZE BUTTON.

5. IF YOU HAVE A BAD COUGH, TAKE A LARGE DOSE OF LAXATIVES. THEN YOU'LL BE AFRAID TO COUGH.

6. YOU ONLY NEED TWO TOOLS IN LIFE - WD-40 AND DUCT TAPE. IF IT DOESN'T MOVE AND SHOULD, USE THE WD-40. IF IT SHOULDN'T MOVE AND DOES, USE THE DUCT TAPE.

7. IF YOU CAN'T FIX IT WITH A HAMMER, YOU'VE GOT AN ELECTRICAL PROBLEM.



(Yeah, I know... and oldy but a goody... couldn't resist)

NICKNAMES:
If Laura, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Kate and Sarah.

If Mike, Dave and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla and Four-eyes.


EATING OUT:
When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and John will each throw in $20, even though it's only for $32.50. None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back.

When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.


MONEY:
A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.

A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need but it's on sale.


BATHROOMS:
A man has six items in his bathroom: toothbrush and toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel .

The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify more than 20 of these items.


ARGUMENTS:
A woman has the last word in any argument.

Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.


FUTURE:
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.

A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.


SUCCESS:
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.

A successful woman is one who can find such a man.


MARRIAGE:
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.

A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, but she does.


DRESSING UP:
A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the trash, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail.

A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.


NATURAL:
Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.

Women somehow deteriorate during the night.


OFFSPRING:
Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.

A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house

TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING DUTCH:

1. You can get arrested for growing plants, but not for smoking them.

2. You can make jokes about the Belgians and still drink their beer.

3. a) You can legally kill yourself, b) You can legally be killed.

4. You're exactly like the Germans, except that nobody hates you.

5. You think you are a world power, but everyone else thinks Copenhagen is your capital...

6. You get to insult people and defend yourself by saying it's a national tradition.

7. You can put your finger in a dyke and it will save your country.

8. You live in the most densely populated country in Europe, and still you've never seen your neighbors.

9. If the economy is bad, blame the Germans. If a war is started, blame the Germans. If you lose your keys, blame the Germans.

10. Bikes are public property. Locks are a challenge.

Brian invited his mother over for dinner.

During the course of the meal, Brian's mother couldn't help but notice how beautiful Brian's roommate Jennifer was.

Brian's Mom had long been suspicious of the platonic relationship between Brian and Jennifer, and this had only made her more curious.

Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between Brian and Jennifer than met the eye.

Reading his mom's thoughts, Brian volunteered, 'I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you Jennifer and I are just roommates.'

About a week later, Jennifer came to Brian saying, 'Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the beautiful silver gravy ladle. You don't suppose she took it, do you?'

Brian said, 'Well, I doubt it, but I'll send her an e-mail just to be sure.. So he sat down and wrote:


Dear Mom,

I'm not saying that you 'did' take the gravy ladle from the house,
I'm not saying that you 'did not' take the gravy ladle. But the fact
remains that one has been missing ever since you were here for
dinner.

Love,
Brian


Several days later, Brian received an email back from his mother
that read:


Dear Son,

I'm not saying that you 'do' sleep with Jennifer, I'm not saying
that you 'do not' sleep with Jennifer. But the fact remains that if
Jennifer is sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the gravy ladle by now.

Love,
Mom

These are our rules!
Please note they are numbered '1' ON PURPOSE!


1. Men are NOT mind readers.

1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

1. Sunday sports is like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.

1. Crying is blackmail.

1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one! Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!

1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.

1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.

1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one .

1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

1. Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we.

1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have NO idea what mauve is.

1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.

1. If we ask what is wrong and you say 'nothing,' we will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.

1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine... Really!

1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as baseball or golf.

1. You have enough clothes.

1. You have too many shoes.

1. I am in shape. Round IS a shape!

1. Thank you for reading this. Yes, I know I have to sleep on the couch tonight but did you know men really don't mind that? It's like camping.

Thank you.... respect to you in return..

You know, I posted this from an email I got... Thought people would post opinions other than snide remarks and cut-downs....

NOT MY OPINION!!!!!!! JUST POSTED FOR OPINIONATED RESPONSES!!!!!!

Save the cut-downs for the playground please.....

I have to admit it. My liberal friends were right.

They told me if I voted for McCain, the nation's hope would deteriorate and sure enough, there's been a 20 point drop in the consumer confidence index since the election, reaching a lower point than any time during the Bush Administration.

They told me if I voted for McCain, the US would become more deeply embroiled in the Middle East, and sure enough tens of thousands of additional troops are scheduled to be deployed in Afghanistan.

They told me if I voted for McCain, that the economy would get worse and sure enough unemployment is approaching 8.8%, and the new stimulus packages implemented recently have sent the stock market lower than at any time since 1997.

They told me if I voted for McCain, we would see more "crooks" in high ranking positions in Federal government. Sure enough, several recent cabinet nominees and senate appointment revealed resumes of bribery and tax fraud.

Well I ignored my Democrat friends in November and voted for McCain.

And they were right; all of their predictions have come true.



I posted this from an email I got... posted it for opinions other than snide remarks and cut-downs....

NOT MY OPINION!!!!!!! JUST POSTED FOR INTELLIGENT OPINIONATED RESPONSES!!!!!!

Save the cut-downs for the playground please.....

Ponder on these imponderables for a minute:

1. If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times,
does he become disoriented?

2. If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from
Holland called Holes?

3. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

4. If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?

5. If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

6. Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

7. When cheese gets its picture taken, what does it say?

8. Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a person who drives a racing car not called a racist?

9. Why are a wise man and a wise guy opposites?

10. Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things?

11. Why isn't the number 11 pronounced onety one?

12. 'I am' is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language, could it be that 'I do' is the longest sentence?

13. If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?

14. What hair color do they put on the driver' licenses of bald men?

15. I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little
spoons and forks so I wondered if Chinese mothers use toothpicks?

16. Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do, write to them? Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the postmen can look for them while they deliver the mail?

17. You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

18. No one ever says, 'It's only a game' when their team is winning.

19. Ever wonder about those people who spend two pound a piece on those little bottles of Evian water?

20. Isn't making a smoking section in a restaurant like making a peeing section in a swimming pool?

22. If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea, does that mean that 1
enjoys it?

23. Why if you send something by road it is called a shipment, but when you send it by sea it is called cargo?

24. If a convenience store is open 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 365 days a year, why are there locks on the door?

For several years, a man was having an affair with an Italian woman.

One night, she confided in him that she was pregnant. Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, he paid her a large sum of money if she would go to Italy to secretly have the child. If she stayed in Italy to raise the child, he would also provide child support until the child turned 18. She agreed, but asked how he would know when the baby was born.

To keep it discreet, he told her to simply mail him a post card, and write 'Spaghetti' on the back. He would then arrange for the child support payments to begin. One day,about 9 months later, he came home to his confused wife.

'Honey, she said, you received a very strange post card today.'

'Oh, just give it to me and I'll explain it later,' he said. The wife did and watched as her husband read the card, turned white, and fainted.

On the card was written:
'Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti Three with meatballs, two without - Send extra sauce .

Jack wakes up with a huge hangover after attending his company's party.

Jack is not normally a drinker, but the drinks didn't taste like alcohol at all. He didn't even remember how he got home from the party. As bad as he was feeling, he wondered if he did something wrong.

Jack had to force himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table. And, next to them, a single red rose!! Jack sits up and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed.

He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the house.

He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror. Then he notices a note hanging on the corner of the mirror written in red with little hearts on it and a kiss mark from his wife in lipstick: 'Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to get groceries to make you your favorite dinner tonight. I love you, darling! Love, Jillian'

He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast, steaming hot coffee and the morning newspaper. His 16 year old son is also at the table, eating. Jack asks, 'Son, what happened last night?'

'Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and out of your mind. You fell over the coffee table and broke it, and then you puked in the hallway, and got that black eye when you ran into the door'

Confused, he asked his son, 'So, why is everything in such perfect order and so clean? I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me??'

His son replies, 'Oh THAT... Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed, 'Leave me alone b*tch, I'm married!!'

Broken coffee Table $239.99
Hot breakfast $4.20
Two aspirins $.38
Saying the right thing, at the right time: PRICELESS

A Cajun from Louisiana had taken his wife on a vacation to Paris, France. Late one morning he was down in the cafe at the hotel talking to two French gentlemen. They were discussing where the Cajun was from and one thing led to another.

The older French gentleman told the Cajun, "Vell, you know that ze French men are known as the best love makers in the world."

The Cajun looked at the man and said, "No sir. Didn't know that and can't say as I rightly agree."

The old man looked at the Cajun and said, "I am 70 years old. Last night I make ze love to my wife 3 times! This morning as the sun comes up she is so happy she gets up and makes me crepes with fresh berries for breakfast!"

The younger Frenchman chimed in, "Zat is nothing! I am 30 years old. Last night I make ze love to my wife 8 times!! This morning as the sun comes up she is so happy she gets up and makes me a magnificent omelette for breakfast!"

The Cajun looks at both the men, "That's nice."

The older Frenchman asks the Cajun, "And how many times did you make ze love with your wife last night?"

The Cajun just smiles at the old man, "Once."

The younger Frenchman breaks out in a hearty laugh, "Only ze one time?! And what did your wife have to say this morning when the sun was coming up."

The Cajun grinned, "Oh she was saying, don't stop now baby, don't stop now!!"

Toward the end of Sunday service, the Minister asked, 'How many of you have forgiven your enemies?'

80% held up their hands.

The Minister then repeated his question. All responded this time, except one small elderly lady.

'Miss Joyce'; 'Are you not willing to forgive your enemies?'
'
I don't have any.' She replied, smiling sweetly.

'Miss Joyce', that is very unusual. How old are you?'

'Ninety-eight.' she replied.

'Oh, Miss. Joyce, would you please come down in front & tell us all how a person can live ninety-eight years & not have an enemy in the world?'

The little sweetheart of a lady tottered down the aisle, faced the congregation, and said:

'I outlived the *****es.'

1) You can GET chocolate.

2) "If you love me you'll swallow that" has real meaning with chocolate.

3) Chocolate satisfies even when it has gone soft.

4) You can safely have chocolate while you are driving.

5) You can make chocolate last as long as you want it to.

6) You can have chocolate even in front of your mother.

7) If you bite the nuts too hard the chocolate won't mind.

8) Two people of the same sex can have chocolate without being called nasty names.

9) The word "commitment" doesn't scare off chocolate.

10) You can have chocolate on top of your workbench/desk during working hours without upsetting your co-workers.

11) You can ask a stranger for chocolate without getting your face slapped.

12) You don't get hairs in your mouth with chocolate.

13) With chocolate there's no need to fake it.

14) Chocolate doesn't make you pregnant.

15) You can have chocolate at anytime of the month.

16) Good chocolate is easy to find.

17) You can have as many kinds of chocolate as you can handle.

18) You are never too young or too old for chocolate.

19) When you have chocolate it does not keep your neighbors awake.

20) With chocolate size doesn't matter.

But obviously the play is unrehearsed and everyone is ad-libbing their lines.....

Never had a "doctor" respond like that before. Can I use that one next time you respond to me?

Your income taxes are normally due on April 15th unless that date falls on a Saturday or Sunday in which case they are due on Monday the 16th or 17th.

However, I have been told that a recent change and for the next 4 years, they will not be due until you are nominated to a cabinet position.

Please check with your Tax adviser to confirm.

McQuillan walked into a bar and ordered martini after martini, each time removing the olives and placing them in a jar.

When the jar was filled with olives and all the drinks consumed, the Irishman started to leave.

"S'cuse me", said a customer, who was puzzled over what McQuillan had done, "what was that all about?"

"Nothin', said the Irishman, "me wife just sent me out for a jar of olives!"

***********************************************

Two Irishmen were sitting in a pub having beer and watching the brothel across the street.

They saw a Baptist minister walk into the brothel, and one of them said, "Aye, 'tis a shame to see a man of the cloth goin' bad."

Then they saw a Rabbi enter the brothel, and the other Irishman said, "Aye, 'tis a shame to see that the Jews are falling' victim to temptation."

Then they saw a Catholic priest enter the brothel, and one of the Irishmen said, "What a terrible pity...one of the girls must be quite ill."

***********************************************

Two Irishmen, Patrick & Michael, were adrift in a lifeboat following a dramatic escape from a burning freighter.
While rummaging through the boat's provisions, Patrick stumbled across an old lamp. Secretly hoping that a genie would appear, he rubbed the lamp vigorously.

To the amazement of Patrick, a genie came forth. This particular genie, however, stated that he could only deliver one wish,
not the standard three.

Without giving much thought to the matter, Patrick blurted out,
"Make the entire ocean into Guinness Beer!" The genie clapped his hands with a deafening crash, and immediately the entire sea turned into the finest brew ever sampled by mortals.

Simultaneously, the genie vanished. Only the gentle lapping of Guinness on the hull broke the stillness as the two men considered their circumstances.

Michael looked disgustedly at Patrick whose wish had been granted.

After a long, tension-filled moment, he spoke: "Nice going Patrick!
Now we're going to have to pee in the boat!"

***********************************************

Murphy was staggering home with a pint of booze in his back pocket when he slipped and fell heavily.

Struggling to his feet, he felt something wet running down his leg.
"Please Lord," he implored, "let it be blood!!"

***********************************************

An Irishman had been drinking at a pub all night. The bartender finally said that the bar was closing, so the Irishman stood up to leave fell flat on his face.

He tried to stand one more time; same result. He figured he'll crawl outside and get some fresh air and maybe that will sober him up.

Once outside, he stood up and fell on his face again. So he decided to crawl the four blocks home.

Again, he fell flat on his face. He crawled through the door and into his bedroom.

When he reached his bed he tried one more time to stand up.
This time he managed to pull himself upright, but he quickly fell right into the bed and is sound asleep as soon as his head hit the pillow.

He was awakened the next morning to his wife standing over him, shouting, "SO YOU'VE BEEN DRINKING AGAIN!"

Putting on an innocent look, and intent on bluffing it out he said,
"What makes you say that?"

"The pub just called; you left your wheelchair there again."