1. Falling in love.

2. Laughing so hard your face hurts.

3. A hot shower.

4. No lines at the supermarket.

5. A special glance.

6. Getting mail.

7. Taking a drive on a pretty road.

8. Hearing your favorite song on the radio.

9. Lying in bed listening to the rain outside.

10. Hot towels fresh out of the dryer.

11. Chocolate milkshake (vanilla or strawberry).

12. A bubble bath.

13. Giggling.

15. The beach.

16. Finding a 20 dollar bill in your coat from last winter...

17. Laughing at yourself.

18. Looking into their eyes and knowing they Love you

19. Midnight phone calls that last for hours.

20. Running through sprinklers.

21. Laughing for absolutely no reason at all.

22. Having someone tell you that you're beautiful.

23. Laughing at an inside joke with FRIENDS

24. Accidentally overhearing someone say something nice about you.

25. Waking up and realizing you still have a few hours left to sleep.

26. Your first kiss (either the very first or with a new partner).

27. Making new friends or spending time with old ones.

28. Playing with a new puppy.

29. Having someone play with your hair.

30. Sweet dreams.

31. Hot chocolate.

32. Road trips with friends.

33. Swinging on swings.

34. Making eye contact with a cute stranger.

35. Making chocolate chip cookies.

36. Having your friends send you homemade cookies.

37. Holding hands with someone you care about.

38. Running into an old friend and realizing that some things (good or bad) never change..

39. Watching the expression on someone's face as they open a much desired present from you.

40. Watching the sunrise.

41. Getting out of bed every morning and being grateful for another beautiful day.

42. Knowing that somebody misses you.

43. Getting a hug from someone you care about deeply...

44. Knowing you’ve done the right thing, no matter what other people think.

Q. Do female frogs croak?
A. Paul Lynde: If you hold their little heads under water long enough.

Q. If you're going to make a parachute jump, at least how high should you be?
A. Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking should do it.

Q. True or False, a pea can last as long as 5,000 years.
A. George Gobel: Boy, it sure seems that way sometimes.

Q. You've been having trouble going to sleep. Are you probably a man or a woman?
A. Don Knotts: That's what's been keeping me awake.

Q. According to Cosmopolitan, if you meet a stranger at a party and you think that he is attractive, is it okay to come out and ask him if he's married?
A. Rose Marie: No; wait until morning.

Q. Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get older?
A. Charley Weaver: My sense of decency.

Q. In Hawaiian, does it take more than three words to say 'I Love You'?
A. Vincent Price: No, you can say it with a pineapple and a twenty.

Q. What are 'Do It,' 'I Can Help,' and 'I Can't Get Enough'?
A. George Gobel: I don't know, but it's coming from the next apartment.

Q. As you grow older, do you tend to gesture more or less with your hands while talking?
A. Rose Marie: You ask me one more growing old question Peter, and I'll give you a gesture you' ll never forget.

Q. Paul, why do Hell's Angels wear leather?
A. Paul Lynde: Because chiffon wrinkles too easily.

Q. Charley, you've just decided to grow strawberries. Are you going to get any during the first year?
A. Charley Weaver: Of course not, I'm too busy growing strawberries.

Q. In bowling, what's a perfect score?
A. Rose Marie: Ralph, the pin boy.

Q. It is considered in bad taste to discuss two subjects at nudist camps. One is politics, what is the other?
A. Paul Lynde: Tape measures.

Q. During a tornado, are you safer in the bedroom or in the closet?
A. Rose Marie: Unfortunately Peter, I'm always safe in the bedroom.

Q. Can boys join the Camp Fire Girls?
A. Marty Allen: Only after lights out.

Q. When you pat a dog on its head he will wag his tail. What will a goose do?
A. Paul Lynde: Make him bark?

Q. If you were pregnant for two years , what would you give birth to?
A. Paul Lynde: Whatever it is, it would never be afraid of the dark.

Q. According to Ann Landers, is there anything wrong with getting into the habit of kissing a lot of people?
A. Charley Weaver: It got me out of the army.

Q. It is the most abused and neglected part of your body, what is it?
A. Paul Lynde: Mine may be abused, but it certainly isn't neglected.

Q. Back in the old days, when Great Grandpa put horseradish on his head, what was he trying to do?
A. George Gobel: Get it in his mouth.

Q. Who stays pregnant for a longer period of time, your wife or your elephant?
A. Paul Lynde: Who told you about my elephant?

Q. When a couple have a baby, who is responsible for its sex?
A. Charley Weaver: I'll lend him the car, the rest is up to him.

Q. Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes in them and has actually seen them on at least two occasions. What are they?
A. Charley Weaver: His feet.

Q. According to Ann Landers, what are two things you should never do in bed?
A. Paul Lynde: Point and laugh

A little boy goes up to his father and asks: "Dad, what's the difference between hypothetical and reality?"

The father replies: "Well son, I could give you the book definitions, but I feel it could be best to show you by example. Go upstairs and ask your mother if she'd have sex with the mailman for $500,000."

The boy goes and asks his mother: "Mom, would you have sex with the mailman for $500,000?" The mother replies: "Hell yes I would!"

The little boy returns to his father: "Dad, she said 'Hell yes I would!'"

The father then says: "Okay, now go and ask your older sister if she'd have sex with her principal for $500,000."

The boy asks his sister: "Would you have sex with your principal for $500,000?" The sister replies: "Hell yes I would!"

He returns to his father: "Dad, she said 'Hell yes I would!'"

The father answers: "Okay son, here's the deal: Hypothetically, we're millionaires, but in reality, we're just living with a couple of whores."

Riding to work yesterday I observed a female driver, who cut right in front of a pickup truck, causing the driver to drive onto the shoulder to avoid hitting her. This evidently angered the driver enough that he hung his arm out is window and gave the woman the finger.

"Man, that guy is stupid," I thought to myself. I ALWAYS smile nicely and wave in a sheepish manner whenever a female does anything to me in traffic.

And here's why:

I drive 48 miles each way every day to work.
That's 96 miles each day.

Of these, 16 miles each way is bumper-to-bumper.
Most of the bumper-to-bumper is on an 8 lane highway.

There are 7 cars every 40 feet for 32 miles.
That works out to 982 cars every mile, or 31,424 cars.

Even though the rest of the 32 miles is not bumper-to-bumper, I figure I pass at least another 4000 cars.
That brings the number to something like 36,000 cars that I pass every day..

Statistically, females drive half of these.
That's 18,000 women drivers!

In any given group of females, 1 in 28 has PMS.
That's 642.

According to Cosmopolitan, 70% describe their love life as dissatisfying or unrewarding.
That's 449.

According to the National Institute of Health, 22% of all females have seriously considered suicide or homicide.
That's 98.

And 34% describe men as their biggest problem.
That's 33.

According to the National Rifle Association, 5% of all females carry weapons and this number is increasing.

That means that EVERY SINGLE DAY, I drive past at least one female that has a lousy love life, thinks men are her biggest problem, has seriously considered suicide or homicide, has PMS, and is armed.

Smile and wave, boys... Just smile and wave.

Three men are nervously pacing the floor in the paternity waiting room.

The nurse comes in, "Mr. Jones? Mr. Jones?" "Yes, nurse, that's me." "Mr Jones, your wife just had a baby boy!" "Well, I knew that would happen because that night, I was on the top!"

A little later, the nurse comes back in, "Mr. Smith? Mr.Smith?" "Yes, nurse, I'm Mr. Smith." "Great news Mr. Smith, your wife just had a baby girl!" "OH, I just knew that because that night she was on the top!"

Now Mr. Doe is starting to sweat more and is really pacing the floor now. The nurse comes in, "Mr. Doe? Mr. Doe?" "Oh, I know nurse, you don't have to tell me," Mr. Doe says, "My wife just had puppies!"

A boy walks into his parent's room and catches them having sex.

The father looks up, surprised, and tells him, "We're making you a little brother."

The boy looks at him a moment, then tells him, "Why don't you do her doggiestyle... I would rather have a puppy.!

My wife and I went to the Denver Stock show and one of the first exhibits we stopped at was the breeding bulls.
We went up to the first pen and there was a sign attached that said, 'THIS BULL MATED 50 TIMES LAST YEAR.'

My wife playfully nudged me in the ribs, smiled and said,
'He mated 50 times last year.' We walked to the second pen which had a sign attached that said, 'THIS BULL MATED 150 TIMES LAST YEAR.'

My wife gave me a healthy jab and said, 'WOW, that's more than twice a week! You could learn a lot from him.'

We walked to the third pen and it had a sign attached that said, in capital letters, 'THIS BULL MATED 365 TIMES LAST YEAR.'

My wife was so excited that her elbow nearly broke my ribs,
and said, 'That's once a day. You could REALLY learn something from this one.'

I looked at her and said, 'Go over and ask him if it was
with the same old cow.'

My condition has been upgraded from critical to stable
and I should eventually make a full recovery.

'Rabbi, something terrible is happening and I have to talk to you about it.'

The Rabbi asked, 'What's wrong?'

The man replied, 'My wife is poisoning me.'

The Rabbi, very surprised by this, asks, 'How can that be?'

The man then pleads, 'I'm telling you, I'm certain she's poisoning me, what should I do?'

The Rabbi then offers, 'Tell you what. Let me talk to her, I'll see what I can find out and I'll let you know.'

A week later the Rabbi calls the man and says, 'Well, I spoke to your wife. I spoke to her on the phone for three hours.You want my advice?'

'Yes', the man said.

The Rabbi replied,'Take the poison..'

John was on his deathbed and gasped pitifully.

'Give me one last request, dear,' he said.

'Of course, John,' his wife said softly.

'Six months after I die,' he said, 'I want you to marry Bob.'

'But I thought you hated Bob,' she said.

With his last breath John said, 'I do!'

Three friends from the local congregation were asked, 'When you're in your casket, and friends and family are mourning over you, what would you like them to say?'

Artie said: 'I would like them to say I was a wonderful husband, a fine spiritual leader, and a great family man.'

Eugene commented: 'I would like them to say I was a wonderful teacher and servant of God who made a huge difference in people's lives.'

Al said: 'I'd like them to say, 'Look, he's moving!'

LOL... 'tis a fine Lass ye be also....

Women and cats will do as they please; men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea.

An Irishman arrived at J.F.K. Airport and wandered around the terminal with tears streaming down his cheeks. An airline employee asked him if he was already homesick.

"No," replied the Irishman "I've lost all me luggage!"

"How did that happen?"

"The cork fell out the bottle!" said the Irishman.

*****************************************************

An Irish priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped for speeding in Connecticut. The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest's breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car.

He says, "Sir, have you been drinking?"

"Just water," says the priest.

The trooper says, "Then why do I smell wine?"

The priest looks at the bottle and says, "Good Lord! He's done it again!"

*****************************************************

Two Irishmen were sitting at a pub having beer and watching the brothel across the street.

They saw a Baptist minister walk into the brothel, and one of them said, "Aye, 'tis a shame to see a man of the cloth goin' bad."

Then they saw a rabbi enter the brothel, and the other Irishman said, "Aye, 'tis a shame to see that the Jews are fallin' victim to temptation as well."

Then they see a catholic priest enter the brothel, and one of the Irishmen said, "What a terrible pity...one of the girls must be dying.

****************************************************

Three Irishmen, Paddy, Sean and Seamus, were stumbling home from the pub late one night and found themselves on the road which led past the old graveyard..

"Come have a look over here," says Paddy, "It's Michael O'Grady's grave, God bless his soul. He lived to the ripe old age of 87."

"That's nothing," says Sean, "here's one named Patrick O'Toole, it says here that he was 95 when he died."!

Just then, Seamus yells out, "Good God, here's a fella that got to be 145!"

"What was his name?" asks Paddy.

Seamus stumbles around a bit, awkwardly lights a match to see what else is written on the stone marker, and exclaims, "Miles, from Dublin."

*****************************************************

Drunk Ole Mulvihill (From the Northern Irish Clan) staggers into a Catholic Church, enters a confessional box, sits down but says nothing.

The Priest coughs a few times to get his attention but the Ole just sits there.

Finally, the Priest pounds three times on the wall.

The drunk mumbles, "ain't no use knockin, there's no paper on this side either."

******************************************************

Mary Clancy goes up to Father O'Grady's after his Sunday morning service, and she's in tears.

He says, "So what's bothering you, Mary my dear?"

She says, "Oh, Father, I've got terrible news. My husband passed away last night."

The priest says, "Oh, Mary, that's terrible. Tell me, did he have any last requests?"

She says, "That he did, Father..."

The priest says, "What did he ask, Mary?"

She says, "He said, 'Please Mary, put down that gun!"

The reason politicians try so hard to get re-elected is that they would hate to have to make a living under the laws they've passed.

A woman applying for a job in a Florida lemon grove seemed too qualified for the job.

'Look Miss,' said the foreman, 'have you any actual experience in picking lemons?'

'Well, as a matter of fact, yes!' she replied.? 'I've been divorced three times.'

Thank you Jewel... You are very kind. I wish the best for you also....

Checked this out at Snopes.com and it is a real letter:


Subject: Our Son to the President of General Motors

Gregg, May I have your permission to circulate your
letter?

Love you, Mom


I can ' t believe the feedback I have gotten on it – I have customers asking if they can send it to everyone they know – I really just meant it to be a 2 line response, but found my spleen just flowing…Please do spread the word.

Gregg

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Abridged letter from Troy Clarke,
President of General Motors

- followed by a response from our son, Gregory Knox:


Dear Employee,

Next week, Congress and the current Administration will determine whether to provide immediate support to the domestic auto industry to help it through one of the most difficult economic times in our nation ' s history. Your elected officials must hear from all of us now on why this support is critical to our continuing the progress we began prior to the global financial crisis.

As an employee, you have a lot at stake and continue to be one of our most effective and passionate voices. I know GM can count on you to have your voice heard.

Thank you for your urgent action and ongoing support.

Troy Clarke
President
General Motors North America

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

From Gregory Knox,

In response to your request to call legislators and ask for a bailout for the United States automakers please consider the following, and please also pass this onto Troy Clark, the president of General Motors North America for me.

You are both infected with the same entitlement mentality that has bred like cancerous germs in UAW halls for the last countless decades, and whose plague is now sweeping the nation, awaiting our new "messiah" to wave his magical wand and make all our problems go away, while at the same time allowing our once great nation to keep "living the dream"…

The dream is over!

The dream that we can ignore the consumer for years while management myopically focuses on its personal rewards packages at the same time that our factories have been filled with the worlds most overpaid, arrogant, ignorant and laziest entitlement minded "laborers" without paying the price for these atrocities…and that still the masses will line up to buy our products

Don't tell me I'm wrong. Don't accuse me of not knowing of what I speak.I have called on Ford, Chrysler, TRW, Delphi, Kelsey Hayes, American Axle and countless other automotive OEM's and Tier ones for 3 decades now throughout the Midwest and what I've seen over the years in these union shops can only be described as disgusting.

Mr Clark, the president of General Motors, states:

There is widespread sentiment in this country, our government and especially in the media that the current crisis is completely the result of bad management. It
is not…

You're right – it's not JUST management…

How about the electricians who walk around the plants like lords in feudal times, making people wait on them for countless hours while they drag ass…so they can come in on the weekend and make double and triple time…for a job they easily could have done within their normal 40 hour week?

How about the line workers who threaten newbies with all kinds of scare tactics…for putting out too many parts on a shift…and for being too productive (mustn't expose the lazy bums who have been getting overpaid for decades for their horrific underproduction, must we?!?)

Do you really not know about this stuff?!?

How about this great sentiment abridged from Mr. Clarke's sad plea: "Over the last few years …we have closed the quality and efficiency gaps with our competitors."

What the hell has Detroit been doing for the last 40 years?!? Did we really JUST wake up to the gaps in quality and efficiency between us and them?

The K car vs. the Accord? The Pinto vs. the Civic?!? Do I need to go on?

We are living through the inevitable outcome of the actions of the United States auto industry for decades. Time to pay for your sins, Detroit .

I attended an economic summit last week where a brilliant
economist, Alan Beaulieu surprised the crowd when he said he would not have given the banks a penny of "bailout money". Yes, he said, this would cause short term problems, but despite what people like George Bush and Troy Clark would
have us believe, the sun would in fact rise the next day… and something else would happen: where there had been greedy and sloppy banks, new efficient ones would pop up That is how a free market system works. It does work if we would let
it work.

But for some reason we are now deciding that the rest of the world is right and that capitalism doesn't work – that we need the government to step in and "save us". Save us, hell – we're nationalizing and unfortunately too many of this once fine nations citizens don't even have a clue that this is what's really happening...but they sure can tell you the stats on their favorite sports teams!

Yeah – THAT'S important.

Does it occur to ANYONE that the "competition" has been producing vehicles, EXTREMELY PROFITABLY, for decades now in this country? How can that be???

Let's see...
Fuel efficient...
Listening to customers...
Investing in the proper tooling and automation for the long haul...
Not being too complacent or arrogant to listen to Dr W Edwards Deming 4 decades ago...
Ever increased productivity through quality, lean and six sigma plans...
Treating vendors like strategic partners, rather than like "the enemy"...
Efficient front and back offices...
Non union environment...

Again, I could go on and on, but I really wouldn't be telling anyone anything they really don't already know in their hearts.

I have six children, so I am not unfamiliar with the concept of wanting someone to bail you out of a mess that you have gotten yourself into – my children do this on a weekly, if not daily basis, as I did at their age. I do for them what
my parents did for me (one of their greatest gifts, by the way) – I make them stand on their own two feet and accept the consequences of their actions and work them through.

Radical concept, huh?

Am I there for them in the wings? Of course – but only until such time as they need to be fully on their own as adults.
I don't want to oversimplify a complex situation, but there certainly are unmistakable parallels here between the proper role of parenting and government.

Detroit and the United States need to pay for their sins.

Bad news people – it's coming whether we like it or not. The newly elected Messiah really doesn't have a magic wand big enough to "make it all go away".

I laughed as I heard Obama "reeling it back in" almost
immediately after the vote count was tallied; "we might not do it in a year or in four..." Where was that kind of talk when he was RUNNING for the office?

Stop trying to put off the inevitable. That house in Florida really isn't worth $750,000. People who jump across a border really don't deserve free health care benefits.
That job driving that forklift for the big 3 really isn't worth $85,000 a year.

We really shouldn't allow Wal-Mart to stock their shelves with products acquired from a country that unfairly manipulates their currency and has the most atrocious human rights infractions on the face of the globe.

That couple whose combined income is less than $50,000 really shouldn't be living in that $485,000 home.

Let the market correct itself people – it will. Yes it will be painful, but it's gonna be painful either way, and the bright side of my proposal is that on the other side of it is a nation that appreciates what is has and doesn't live
beyond its means and gets back to basics and redevelops the work ethic that made it the greatest nation in the history of the world... and probably turns back to God.

Sorry – don't cut my head off, I'm just the messenger sharing with you the "bad news".

Gregory J Knox
President
Knox Machinery, Inc.
Franklin, Ohio 45005

I did what you told me... I sent the email to 10 people like you said... I'm still waiting for that miracle to happen.

To all my friends who in the last year sent me best 'wishes', chain letters, 'angel' letters or other promises of good luck if I forwarded something;

NONE OF THAT S**T WORKED!

For 2009, could you please just send money, whiskey, chocolate, movie tickets or gasoline vouchers instead?

Thank you!

Married once.... But been on quite a few honeymoons!!!

I hate it when I attend weddings and old people come up to me and say "Hehehe... You're next!"

So now when I go to funerals, I go up to them and say the same damn thing!!!!