A young man shopping in a supermarket noticed a little old lady following him around. If he stopped, she stopped. Furthermore she kept staring at him.

She finally overtook him at the checkout, and she turned to him and said, "I hope I haven't made you feel ill at ease;
it's just that you look so much like my late son."

He answered, "That's okay."

"I know it's silly, but if you'd call out "Good bye, Mom" as I leave the store, it would make me feel so happy."

She then went through the checkout, and as she was on her way out of the store, the man called out, "Good-bye, Mom."

The little old lady waved, and smiled back at him.

Pleased that he had brought a little sunshine into someone's day, he went to pay for his groceries.

"That comes to $121.85," said the clerk.

"How come so much ... I only bought 5 items.."

The clerk replied, "Yeah, but your Mother said you'd be paying for her things, too."

Don't trust little Old Ladies !!!

1. SMART: You know EVERYTHING about EVERYTHING.

2. HANDSOME/ PRETTY: You are convinced you are the best looking person in the entire room. AND everyone is looking at you.

3. RICH: You suddenly become the richest person in the world.

4. BULLETPROOF: You now pick fights with the people you have been betting money with because you cannot be hurt by anything.

5. INVISIBLE: At this point you can do absolutely anything because no one can see you.

A man breaks into a house to look for money and guns. Inside, he finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair.

While tying the homeowner's wife to the bed the convict gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.

While he's in there, the husband whispers over to his wife: 'Listen, this guy is an escaped convict. Look at his clothes! He's probably spent a lot of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain...do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you...... This guy is obviously very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us both. Be strong, honey. I love you!

His wife responds: 'He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me that he's gay, thinks you're cute, and asked if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too.

I'm not saying anything. It isn't my opinion on this. I just got it in an email and thought it would make for an interesting topic. I would like to know where you got your statistics from. I would like to read them myself.

Friend of mine sent me this in an email. As you can tell, he's pretty frustrated. Opinions anyone?


I work, they pay me. I pay my taxes, and the government distributes my taxes as it sees fit.

In order to earn that pay check, I work on a rig site for a construction project. At any time I am required to pass a random urine test, with which I have no problem.

HOWEVER, what I do have a problem with is the distribution of my taxes to people who don't have to pass a urine test. Shouldn't one have to pass a urine test to get a welfare check because I have to pass one to earn it for them?

Understand - I have no problem with helping people get back on their feet. I do on the other hand have a problem with helping someone sit on their butt, drink beer and smoke dope.

Could you imagine how much money this country would save if people had to pass a urine test to get a public assistance check?

If you agree, please pass this along, or simply ignore it if you don't. Hope you will pass it along though, because something has to change in this country.

Dan was a single guy living at home with his father and working in the family business. When he found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly father died, he decided he needed a wife with which to share his fortune.

One evening at an investment meeting he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen. Her natural beauty took his breath away.

'I may look like just an ordinary man,' he said to her, but in just a few years, my father will die, and I'll inherit $65 million.'

Impressed, the woman obtained his business card and three days later, she became his stepmother.

Women are so much better at financial planning than men.

I the Penis, hereby request a raise in salary for the following reasons:

I do physical labor.

I work at great depths.

I plunge headfirst into everything I do.

I do not get weekends or pub[l]ic holidays off.

I work in a damp environment.

I work in a dark workplace that has poor ventilation.

I work in high temperatures.

My work exposes me to contagious diseases.

Sincerely,

P. Niss


The Response :


Dear Penis:

After assessing your request, and considering the arguments you have raised, the administration rejects your request for the following reasons:

You do not work 8 hours straight.

You fall asleep after brief work periods.

You do not always follow the orders of the management team.

You do not stay in your designated area and are often seen visiting other locations.

You do not take initiative - you need to be pressured and stimulated in order to start working.

You leave the workplace rather messy at the end of your shift.

You don't always observe necessary safety regulations, such as wearing the correct protective clothing.

You will retire well before you are 65.

You are unable to work double shifts.

You sometimes leave your designated work area before you have completed the assigned task.

And if that were not all, you have been seen constantly entering and exiting the workplace carrying two suspicious-looking bags.

Sincerely,

V. Gina

Damn.... I must have just dated his sister.

Nothing wrong with you.... stay who you are.

Aren't you the same guy that was asking advice about getting your girlfriend to give in to anal sex?

How then can you feel that you can give dating advice?

Last week, we took some friends out to Pierre's restaurant and noticed that the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket. It seemed a little strange. When another waiter brought our water, I noticed he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket.

Then I looked around and saw that all the staff had spoons in their pockets. When the waiter came back to serve our soup I asked, 'Why the spoon?'

'Well,' he explained, 'the restaurant's owners hired Andersen Consulting to revamp all our processes. After several months of analysis, they concluded that the spoon was the most frequently dropped utensil. It represents a drop
frequency of approximately 3 spoons per table per hour. If our personnel are better prepared, we can reduce the number of trips back to the kitchen and save 15 man-hours per shift.'

As luck would have it, I dropped my spoon and he was able to replace it with his spare.

'I'll get another spoon next time I go to the kitchen, instead of making an extra trip to get it right now.

I was impressed.

I also noticed that there was a string hanging out of the waiter's fly. Looking around, I noticed that all the waiters had the same sort of string hanging from their flies.

So before he walked off, I asked the waiter, 'Excuse me, but can you tell me why you have that string right there?'

'Oh, certainly!' Then he lowered his voice. 'Not everyone is so observant. That consulting firm also mentioned they had found out that we can save time in the restroom. By tying this string to the tip of you know what, we can pull it out without touching it and eliminate the need to wash our hands,
shortening the time spent in the restroom by 76.39 percent.'

I asked 'After you get it out, how do you put it back?'

'Well,' he whispered , 'I don't know about the others, but I use the spoon.'

This turned out to be an interesting experiment.

Lots of wonderful advice. Most of the respectful. Of course, there is always one in the bunch that has to be rude and crude. Amazing how that person suggested I try a gay dating site. Just proves that there is such a lack of respect in the world. Ashamed.

And for using the "cougar" remark, I only did that after seeing it within a couple of profiles. Just borrowed their own words describing themselves.

Anyway, thanks to all who commented in this little post, even to the rude and uncalled for ones. Nice to learn what other people think out there.

Good luck to everyone, I truly hope we all find that which we are looking for.

Nah, not interested.... but good luck there to you!

Well, if finally happened....


First the younger ladies say I am too old for them, and now the older (Cougar) ladies are telling me the same....

Wish I could help... can't tell them when they live close!!

You will find the way.... good luck!

Be sure to refill the ice trays, we're going to have company.

Watch for the postman, I want to get this letter in the mail today.

Quit slamming the screen door when you go out!

Be sure and pull the windows down when you leave, it looks like a shower is coming up.

Don't forget to wind the clock before you go to bed.

Wash your feet before you go to bed, you've been playing outside all day barefooted.

Why can't you remember to roll up your britches legs?
Getting them caught in the bicycle chain so many times is tearing them up.

You have torn the knees out of that pair of pants so many times there is nothing left to put a patch on.

Don't you go outside with your school clothes on!

Go comb your hair; it looks like the rats have nested in it all night.

Be sure and pour the cream off the top of the milk when you open the new bottle.

Take that empty bottle to the store with you so you won't have to pay a deposit on another one.

Put a dish towel over the cake so the flies won't get on it.

Quit jumping on the floor! I have a cake in the oven and you are going to make it fall if you don't quit!

Let me know when the Fuller Brush man comes by, I need to get a few things from him.

You boys stay close by, the car may not start and I will need you to help push it off.

There's a dollar in my purse, get 5 gallons of gas when you go to town.

Open the back door and see if we can get a breeze through here, it is getting hot.

You can walk to the store; it won't hurt you to get some exercise.

Don't sit too close to the TV. It is hard on your eyes.

If you pull that stunt again, I am going to wear you out!

Don't lose that button; I'll sew it back on after awhile.

Wash under your neck before you come to the table, you have beads of dirt and sweat all under there.

Get out from under the sewing machine; pumping it messes up the thread!

Be sure and fill the lamps this morning so we don't have to do that tonight in the dark.

Here, take this old magazine to the toilet with you when you go, we are almost out of paper out there.

Go out to the well and draw a bucket of water so I can wash dishes.

Don't turn the radio on now, I want the battery to be up when the Grand Ole Opry comes on.

No! I don't have 10 cents for you to go to the show. Do you think money grows on trees?

Eat those turnips, they'll make you big and strong like your daddy.

That dog is NOT coming in this house! I don't care how cold it is out there, dogs don't stay in the house.

Sit still! I'm trying to get your hair cut straight and you keep moving and it is all messed up.

Hush your mouth! I don't want to hear words like that! I'll wash your mouth out with soap!

It is time for your system to be cleaned out. I am going to give you a dose of castor oil tonight.

If you get a spanking in school and I find out about it, you'll get another one when you get home.

Quit crossing your eyes! They will get stuck that way!

Soak your foot in this pan of kerosene so that bad cut won't get infected.

When you take your driving test, don't forget to signal each turn. Left arm straight out the window for a left turn; left arm bent up at the elbow for a right turn; and straight down to the side of the door when you are going to stop.

It's: 'Yes Ma'am!' and 'No Ma'am!' to me, young man, and don't you forget it!

Y'all come back now, ya hear!

Yay!!! I made someone smile!!!

And Happy Single's Awareness Day To You Also....

A couple had been married for 50 years.

They were sitting at the breakfast table one morning when the wife says, 'Just think, fifty years ago we were sitting here at this breakfast table together.'

'I know,' the old man said. 'We were probably sitting here naked as a jaybird fifty years ago..'

'Well,' Granny snickered.. 'Let's relive some old times.'
Where upon, the two stripped to the buff and sat down at the table.

'You know, honey,' the little old lady breathlessly replied,

'My nipples are as hot for you today as they were fifty years ago.'

'I wouldn't be surprised,' replied Gramps. 'One's in your coffee and the other is in your oatmeal.