My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.

My wife asked, 'Do you know her?'

'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since.'

'My God!' says my wife, 'who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?'

And then the fight started...

***********************************************************************

I rear-ended a car this morning. So, there we were alongside the road and slowly the other driver got out of his car. You know how sometimes you just get soooo stressed and little things just seem funny?

Yeah, well I couldn't believe it... he was a DWARF!!!

He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, 'I AM NOT HAPPY!!!'

So, I looked down at him and said, 'Well, then which one are you?'

And then the fight started...

What about his father's wish?

He wished for their wishes to be granted....

On a flight from New York to Paris the pilot announces: "I'm sorry, but we have lost one of our engines. Subsequently, we will arrive in Paris approximately half an hour late."

A few minutes later, he comes on again: "Hate to disappoint you folks, but another engine is down. Don't panic - we've still got two going, but now we'll be about 2 hours late."

After another few minutes, he comes on again: "Look, I am really sorry about this, but somehow we have lost our third engine. Still nothing serious to worry about, but we will be about five hours late to Paris."

After hearing this, the blond turns to the guy sitting next to him and remarks, "If we lose the other one, we'll be up here all night."

A blond had a near death experience the other day when she went horseback riding.

Everything was going fine until the horse started to bounce out of control. She tried to hang on with all of her might, but was thrown off. With her foot caught in the stirrup, she fell headfirst to the ground. Her head continued to bounce on the ground and the horse didn't even stop or slow down.

Just as she was giving up hope and losing consciousness, the WalMart manager came out and unplugged the ride.

A blond was having a problem with her laser printer, so she called the company's technical support.

The help desk technician asked her if she was "running it under Windows."

The blond replied, "No, my desk is next to the door. But that is a good point.

The man sitting in the cubicle next to me is under a window, and his is working fine."

An elderly gent was invited to an old friends home for dinner one evening.

He was impressed by the way his buddy preceded every request to his wife with endearing terms such as: Honey, My Love, Darling, Sweetheart, Pumpkin, etc.

The couple had been married almost 70 years and, clearly, they were still very much in love.

While the wife was in the kitchen, the man leaned over to his host, 'I think it's wonderful that, after all these years, you still call your wife those loving pet names.'

The old man hung his head. 'I have to tell you the truth,' he said, 'Her name slipped my mind about 10 years ago and I'm scared to death to ask her what it is!

I have an Excursion with a 42 gallon tank.... of course I have

A farmer got in his pickup and drove to a neighboring farm and knocked at the door. A young boy about 9 years old opened the door.

'Is yer Dad home?' the farmer asked. 'No sir, he ain't,' the boy replied. 'He went into town.'

'Well,' said the farmer, 'is yer Mom here?'

'No, sir, she ain't here neither. She went into town with Dad.'

'How about your brother, Howard? Is he here?'

'He went with Mom and Dad.'

The farmer stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the other and mumbling to himself.

'Is there anything I can do fer ya?' the boy asked politely.

'I know where all the tools are if you want to borrow one. Or maybe I could take a message fer Dad.'

'Well,' said the farmer uncomfortably, 'I really wanted to talk to yer Dad. It's about your Brother Howard getting my daughter, Pearly Mae, Pregnant.'

The boy considered for a moment. 'You would have to talk to Pa about that' he finally conceded.

'If it helps you any, I know that Pa charges $500 for the bull and $50 for the hog, but I really don't know
how much he gets fer Howard.'

Only 14? Amateur.....

I got a new one... just added it today:

Never take someone for granted; hold every person close to your heart because u might wake up one day and realize that you've lost a diamond while u were too busy collecting stones

An older gentleman had an appointment to see the urologist who shared offices with several other doctors.

The waiting room was filled with patients.

As he approached the receptionist's desk, he noticed that the receptionist was a large unfriendly woman who looked like a Sumo wrestler. He gave her his name.

In a very loud voice, the receptionist said, 'YES, I HAVE YOUR NAME HERE; YOU WANT TO SEE THE DOCTOR ABOUT IMPOTENCE, RIGHT?'

All the patients in the waiting room snapped their heads around to look at the very embarrassed man.

He recovered quickly, and in an equally loud voice replied,

'NO, I'VE COME TO INQUIRE ABOUT A SEX CHANGE OPERATION, BUT I DON'T WANT THE SAME DOCTOR THAT DID YOURS.'

Hey... you too...

I'm gonna watch my wedding video backwards...

My favorite part will be the end where she takes the ring off her finger, goes back down the aisle, jumps into the car and drives off...

Well, my son has the pets actually...

2 cats : Fluffy and Whiskers

1 rabbit: Bunnicula

1 turtle: Speedy

Bubbles and Barbie, two blond sisters, had promised their Uncle who had been a seafaring gentleman all his life, to bury him at sea when he died. Of course, in due time, he did pass away and the two blonds kept their promise.

They set off from Clearwater Beach with their uncle all stitched up in a burial bag and loaded onto their rowboat.

After a while Bubbles says, 'Do you think we're out far enough, Barbie?"

Barbie slipped over the side and finding the water only knee deep said, "Nope, not yet Bubbles."

So they row a little farther.... Again Bubbles asks Barbie, "Do you think we're out far enough now?"

Once again Barbie slips over the side and almost immediately says, "No, this will never do. The water is only up to my chest."

So on they row and row and row, and finally Barbie slips over the side and disappears. Quite a bit of time goes by and poor Bubbles is really getting worried when suddenly Barbie breaks the surface.

Gasping for breath she says, "OK, it's finally deep enough. Hand me the shovel."

Wow... such beautiful blue eyes... and I would have missed them if you had your shirt off....

Maybe that is all they have to offer.....

I Would Rather Do Without Than To Settle