Absolutely the funniest one I've heard in a long time.

Great....Thanks for the laugh.

This is definitely not to offend anyone. I was born and raised in Austin Tx...sooooo...if I can take it so can you....lol.

Armadillos sleep in the middle of the road with all four feet in the air.

There are 5,000 types of snakes and 4,998 live in Texas.

There are 10,000 types of spiders. All 10,000 live in Texas, plus a few no one has ever seen before.

Raccoons will test your melon crop, and let you know when they are ripe.

If it grows, it will stick you. If it crawls, it will bite you!

Nothing will kill a mesquite tree.

There are valid reasons some people put razor wire around their house.

A tractor is NOT an all terrain vehicle. They do get stuck.

The wind blows at 90 mph from Oct 2 till June 25; then it stops totally until October 2.

Onced and twiced are words.

Coldbeer is one word.

People actually grow and eat okra.

Green grass DOES burn.

When you live in the country you don't have to buy a dog. City people drop them off at your front gate in the middle of the night.

The sound of coyotes howling at night only sounds good for the first few weeks.

When a buzzard sits on the fence and stares at you, it's time to see a doctor.

Fix-in-to is one word.

There ain't no such thing as "lunch." There is only breakfast, dinner and then there's supper.
(gotta challenge this one: Lunch is when you eat away from home some time around noon.)

"Sweetened ice tea" is appropriate for all meals, and you start drinking it when you are two. (it is "Sweet Tea")

"Backwards and forwards" means I know everything about you.

"Jeet?" is actually a phrase meaning, "Did you eat?"

You don't have to wear a watch because it doesn't matter what time it is. You work until you're done, or it's too dark to see.

You measure distance in minutes or hours

You can switch from "heat" to "A/C" in the same day.

Stores don't have bags. They have sacks.

You see cars with the engine running in the Wal-mart parking lot with no one in them, no matter what time of the year.

All the festivals across the state are named after a fruit or a vegetable.

You install security lights on your house and garage, and leave both unlocked.

You carry jumper cables for your own car

You know what "cow tipping" and "snipe hunting" are.

You only have four spices in your kitchen: Salt, Pepper, Ketchup, and Tabasco.

You think everyone from north of Dallas has an accent. (and everyone north of the Red River is considered a yankee!)

The local papers cover national and international news on one page, but require six pages to cover Friday night high school football.

The first day of deer season is a state holiday.

You know which leaves make good toilet paper.

You find 100 degrees a "tad" warm.

The four seasons are: Almost summer, summer,still summer and Christmas.

You know whether another Texan is from East, West, North, or South Texas as soon as he opens his mouth.

Going to Wal-mart is a favorite past-time known as "goin Wal-Martin" or "off to Wally-world."

You describe the first cool snap (below 70 degrees) as good chili-eatin' weather.

A carbonated soft drink isn't a soda, cola, or pop....It's a Coke regardless of brand or flavor.

Texans understand these jokes. If you do too, forward them to your friends from Texas. If you don't just come and stay awhile.

When shopping, you use a "buggy" not a "cart"

If you go to a portrait studio, you are having your pictures "made" not "taken"

Just the facts......lol

You Have Been Officially Warned Now.....LMAO

This is not intended to offend anyone.

A recent scientific study found that women find different male faces attactive depending on where they are in their menstrual cycle.

For example, when a woman is ovulating she will prefer a man with rugged, masculine features.

However; when she is menstruating, she prefers a man doused in petro and set on fire, with scissors stuck in his eye and a cricket stump shoved up his backside.

This is great and shouldn't die so quickly....lol.....thank you for posting this one

CUTE

There are two nuns. One of them is known as Sister Mathematical (SM) and the other one is known as Sister Logical (SL). It is getting dark and they are walking home, but still far away from the convent.

SM: Have you noticed that a man has been following us for he past thirty-eight-and-a-half minutes? I wonder what he wants.

SL: It's logical. He wants to rape us.

SM: Oh, no! At this rate he will reach us in 15 minutes at he most. What can we do?

SL: The only logical thing to do, of course, is to walk faster.

SM: It's not working.

SL: Of course it's not working. The man did the only logical thing He started to walk faster, too.

SM: So, what shall we do? At this rate he will reach us in one minute.

SL: The only logical thing we can do is split. You go that way and I'll go this way. He cannot follow us both.

They split and the man decides to follow Sister Logical. Sister Mathematical arrives at the convent and is worried about what has happened to Sister Logical. Then Sister Logical arrives.

SM: Sister Logical! Thank God you are here! Tell me what happened!

SL: The only logical thing happened. The man couldn't follow us both, so he followed me.

SM: Yes, yes! But what happened then?

SL: The only logical thing happened. I started to run as fast as I could and he started to run as fast as he could.

SM: And?

SL: The only logical thing happened. He reached me.

SM What did you do?

SL: The only logical thing to do. I lifted up my dress.

SM: Oh, Sister! What did the man do?

SL: The only logical thing to do. He pulled down his pants.

SM: Oh, no! What happened then?

SL: Isn't it logical, Sister? A nun with her dress up can run faster than a man with his pants down!

(And those of you who thought it would be dirty, pray for forgiveness.)

I killed a homeless guy because I love to snort cocaine...lmao

Finding one of her students making faces at others on the playground, Ms. Smith stopped to gently reprove the child.

Smiling sweetly, the Sunday School teacher said, Johnny, when I was a child, I was told if that I made ugly faces, it would freeze and I would stay like that.

Johnny looked up and replied, Well, Ms. Smith, you cant say you werent warned.

You try to enter your password on the microwave.

You now think of three espressos as "getting wasted."

You no longer own a real deck of cards because all your favorite card games [solitaire, spades, and hearts] are all played on your computer.

Every commercial on television has a web-site address at the bottom of the screen.

You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of 3.

The concept of using real money, instead of credit or debit, to make a purchase is foreign to you.

You e-mail your son in his room to tell him that dinner is ready, and he emails you back "Whats for dinner?"

Your friends daughter sells Girl Scout Cookies via her web site.

Steve complained to his friend Al that lovemaking with his wife was becoming routine and boring.
"Get creative buddy. Break up the monotony. Why dont you try playing doctor for an hour?"
"Sounds great," Steve replied, "but how do you make it last for an hour?"
"Hell, just keep her in the waiting room for 45 minutes!"

Ditto...That would be a dream come true!

Thank you all so very much for your kind words....Warms my heart
I just love the people on JSH.

Thank you all very much for the prayers over the past week.

My Grandmother passed away very peacefully this morning around 9:00am. She was extremely peaceful. She just went to sleep.

My 3 babies are Sonny, Chipper, and Allison.

Prior to that and in addition were Mullet, Scooter, and Smokey.
May they rest in peace

Good One....lmaoooooo

1. Include Your Children When Baking Cookies

2. Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Experts Say

3. Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers

4. Drunks Get Nine Months in Violin Case

5. Iraqi Head Seeks Arms

6. Prostitutes Appeal to Pope

7. Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over

8. British Left Waffles on Falkland Islands

9. Teacher Strikes Idle Kids

10. Clinton Wins Budget; More Lies Ahead

11. Plane Too Close to Ground, Crash Probe Told

12. Miners Refuse to Work After Death

13. Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant

14. Stolen Painting Found by Tree

15. Two Sisters Reunited after 18 Years in Checkout Counter

16. War Dims Hope for Peace

17. If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last a While

18. Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide

19. Man Struck by Lightning Faces Battery Charge

20. New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group

21. Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Space

22. Kids Make Nutritious Snacks

23. Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half

24. Typhoon Rips through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead

It was early in the afternoon and a man was loitering in front of a bar called Lacy's Legs. A police officer walks up to the man and asks him "what are you doing?" and the man replied, "I'm waiting for Lacy's Legs to open so I can get a drink."

A man hated his wife's cat and he decided to get rid of it. He drove 20 blocks away from home and dropped the cat there. The cat was already walking up the driveway when he approached his home.

The next day, he decided to drop the cat 40 blocks away but the same thing happened.

He kept on increasing the number of blocks but the cat kept on coming home before him. At last he decided to drive a few miles away, turn right, then left, past the bridge, then right again and another right and so on until he reached what he thought was a perfect spot and dropped the cat there.

Hours later, the man calls his wife at home and asked her, "Is the cat there?" "Of course, why do you ask?" answered the wife. Frustrated the man said, "Put that cat on the phone, I am lost and I need directions."