A lady goes into a bar and sees a cowboy with his feet propped up on a table. He has the biggest feet she's ever seen. The woman asks the cowboy if what they say about men with big feet is true.

The cowboy replies, "Sure is, why don't you come back to my place and let me prove it?"

The woman figures "why not," and spends the night with him.

When she sees him the next day, she hands the cowboy a $100 bill.

"I'm flattered," he says, blushing. "Nobody has ever paid me for my prowess before."

"Well, don't be," the woman replies. "Take this money and go buy yourself some boots that fit!"

At the pharmacy, a man asked to talk to a male pharmacist.

The lady at the counter said that she herself was the pharmacist, and that she and her sister owned the store, so there were no male employees. She then asked how she could help. The man said that it was something he would be more comfortable discussing with a male pharmacist.

She reminded him that she was completely professional, and he could speak with her in the utmost confidence.

"This is tough for me to discuss," he said, "but I have a permanent erection. So I was wondering what you could give me for it."

"Just a minute", said the pharmacist, "I'll go consult with my sister."

She returned a few minutes later and said: "We discussed this at length. The absolute best we can do is: one-third ownership of the shop, a company car, and $3,000 a month living expenses."

One day my mother was out and my dad was in charge of me and my brother who is four years younger than I am. He was maybe 3-1/2 years old and had just recovered from an accident in which his arm had been broken.


Someone had given him a little "tea set" as a get-well gift and it was one of his favorite toys. Daddy was in the living room engrossed in the evening news and my brother was playing nearby in the living room when he brought Daddy a little cup of "tea" (which was just water).

After several cups of tea and lots of praise for such yummy tea, Mom came home. Dad made her wait in the living room to watch my brother bring him a cup of tea, because it was "just the cutest thing!"

Mom waited, and sure enough, here he comes down the hall with a cup of tea for Daddy and she watches him drink it up.

Then she says to him, "Did it ever occur to you that the only place that baby can reach to get water is the toilet?"

An old farmer went to town to see a movie. The ticket agent asked, "Sir, what's that on your shoulder?"

The old farmer said, "That's my pet rooster Chucky, wherever I go, Chucky goes."

"I'm sorry sir.", said the ticket agent, "We don't allow animals in the theater."

The old farmer went around the corner and stuffed the bird down his pants. He returned to the booth, bought a ticket and entered the theater. He sat down next to two old widows named Mildred and Marge.

The movie started and the rooster began to squirm. The old farmer unzipped his pants so Chucky could stick his head out and watch the movie.

"Marge", whispered Mildred.

"What", said Marge.

"I think this guy next to me is a pervert.", said Mildred.

"What makes you think that", asked Marge.

"He unzipped his pants and he has his thing out", whispered Mildred.

"Well, don't worry about it", said Marge, "At our age we've seen them all."

"I thought so", said Mildred, "But this one is eating my popcorn."

A man walks into a pharmacy, buys a condom, then walks out of the store laughing hysterically. The pharmacist thinks this is weird, but, hey, there's no law preventing weird people from buying condoms. Maybe it's a good thing.

The next day, the man comes back to the store, purchases another condom, and once again he leaves the store laughing wildly. This piques the interest of the pharmacist. What's so funny about buying a rubber, anyway?

So he tells his clerk, "If this guy ever comes back, I want you to follow him to see where he goes."

Sure enough, the next day the laugher is back. He buys the condom, starts cracking up, then leaves. The pharmacist tells his clerk to go follow the guy.

About an hour later, the clerk comes back to the store. "Did you follow him? Where did he go?" asks the pharmacist. The clerk replies "Your house."

Two guys where walking down the street when they saw two dogs humping.

One said, "I wonder how much liquor it would take to get my wife to do it that way".

So they made a bet of 10 bucks on whose wife would do it on the lease amount of liqour.

After a week they met in a bar.

"Well", said the first guy "How much liquor did it take".

"A pint of whiskey", replied the other guy.

The first guy said "You win, It took me a whole bottle just to get her out in the yard."

A rich lonely widow decided that she needed another man in her life so she placed an ad, which read something like this:

RICH WIDOW LOOKING FOR MAN TO SHARE LIFE AND FORTUNE ...NEEDS TO HAVE THESE QUALIFICATIONS:

1) WON'T BEAT ME UP
2) WON'T RUN AWAY
3) HAS TO BE GREAT IN BED

For several months, her phone rang off the hook, her doorbell was ringing constantly, she received tons of mail, etc., all to no avail: none seemed to match her qualifications.

Then one day the doorbell rang yet again. She opened the door to find a man with no arms and no legs lying on the welcome mat.

Perplexed, she asked, "Who are you? And what do you want?"

"Hi," he said, " your search is over, for I'm the man of your dreams. I've got no arms so I can't beat you up and no legs so I can't run away."

"Well, then," she said, "what makes you think that you're so great in bed?"

To which he replied,..... "Well, I rang the doorbell, didn't I?

LMAO

Meaningful overnight relationship.

Give a man a free hand and he'll run it all over you.

good one...lol

After many long months of cold and winter, we are finally coming up to spring and BBQ season. Therefore, it is important to refresh your memory on the etiquette of this outdoor cooking ritual, as it's the only type of cooking a real man will do, probably because there is an element of danger involved.
When a man volunteers to do the BBQ, the following chain of events is put into motion:
Routine:
1. The woman buys the food.
2. The woman makes a salad, prepares vegetables, and makes dessert.
3. The woman prepares the meat for cooking, places it on a tray along with the necessary cooking utensils and sauces, and takes it to the man who is lounging beside the grill - drink in hand.
Here comes the important part:
4. THE.....MAN.....PLACES.....THE.....MEAT.....ON.....THE.....GRILL
More routine:
5. The woman goes inside to organize the plates and cutlery.
6. The woman comes out to tell the man that the meat is burning. He thanks her and asks if she will bring another drink while he deals with the situation.
Important again:
7. THE.....MAN.....TAKES.....THE.....MEAT.....OFF.....THE.....GRILL.....AND....
HANDS.....IT.....TO.....THE.....WOMAN.
More routine:
8. The woman prepares the plates, salad, bread, utensils, napkins, sauces and brings them to the table.
9. After eating, the woman clears the table and does the dishes.
And most important of all:
10. Everyone PRAISES THE MAN and THANKS HIM for his cooking efforts.
11. The man asks the woman how she enjoyed "her night off" and, upon seeing her annoyed reaction, concludes that there's just no pleasing some women!

Happy BBQ Season everyone!

Late at night this guy runs into a pub and gets a glass of water from the bartender. The guy drinks it in one gulp then asks for a second glass. Six glasses later, and he has recovered enough to speak. "Thanks," he croaks.
"That's one hell of a thirst you've got," says the bartender.

The guy says, "Any man would be as bad if they'd just had sex with the woman in my car. She's insatiable. She wants me to go right back out there and do it all again, but I can't."

"Where's your car?" the landlord asks.

"At the roadside," the guy gasps.

"Tell you what," says the landlord, "you watch the bar for me while I go out and take your place."

"Be my guest, the broad's a nympo. She'll do anybody."

So the bartender goes outside and gets in the car. It's totally dark, so the woman doesn't realize she's with a different man. They get right down to it, humping away. Five minutes later there's a knock on the window. It's a cop and he shines his flashlight on the naked couple.

"What's going on here?" he asks.

"It's all right, officer," explains the bartender. "She's my wife."

"Oh, sorry sir, I didn't realize..."

"Neither did I till you switched on that damned light."

During a good manners and etiquette class, the teacher says to
her students: "If you were courting a well educated young girl
from a prominent family and during a dinner for two you needed
to go to the toilet, what would you say to her?"

Mike replies "Wait a minute, I'm going for a p***."


The teacher says: "That would be very rude and improper on your
part."


Charlie replies: "I'm sorry I need to go to the toilet, I'll be
back in a minute."


The teacher says: "That's much better but to mention the word
''toilet'' during a meal, is unpleasant."


And Ray says: "My dear, please excuse me for a moment. I have
to go shake hands with a personal friend, whom, I hope, to be
able to introduce to you after dinner. "


The teacher passed out..

The woman entered the room, and with a knowing smile teasing her full lips, she sank into the comfort of the plush chair in the corner. The handsome stranger turned, having sensed her approach. Locking his steely gray eyes on hers, he moved slowly toward her, his experienced gaze measuring her, hypnotizing her with his soft murmurs of assurance.

He sank to his knees before her and without a word, smoothly released her from her constraining attire. With a sigh of surrender, she allowed his foreign hands to unleash her bare flesh. He expertly guided her through this tender, new territory; boldly taking her to heights she had never dared to dream of, his movements deliberate, confident in his ability to satisfy her every need.

Her senses swam. She was overcome with an aching desire that had gone unfulfilled for so long. And, just as it seemed that ecstasy was within her grasp, he paused, and for one heart-stopping moment, she thought, "It's too big! - it will never fit!" Then, with a sudden rush, it slid into place as if it had been made only for her.

As pleasure and contentment washed over her, she met his steady gaze, tears of gratitude shining in her eyes. And he knew it wouldn't be long before she returned. Oh, yes, this woman would want more. She would want to do it again and again and again............


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Don't ya just love shopping for shoes!

A salesman checked into a hotel on a business trip and was a bit lonely. He was single so he got to thinking about some female company. He thought he'd get one of those girls you see advertised in phone books from one of the "escort" services. He picked a number and dialed it.

A woman answered, "Hello?"

"Hi, I hear you do escorts and massages and I'd like you to come to my hotel room and give me a massage. And after that I want sex! In fact I want jungle sex . . . wild, crazy hanging-from-the-chandelier type sex! I'm talking kinky, the whole night, you name it we'll do it! Bring all kinds of sex toys too! I don't care what they are, you can use them on me! You can even tie me up and then cover me in whipped cream! Now how does that sound?" he asked.

The woman said, "Interesting sir, but for an outside line, you must press "9" first."

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ewwwwwwww for the earrings???? or what????? lmao

The accountant says, "Before we begin, I'll need to ask a few questions. He gets her name, address, social security number, etc., and then asks ... "What is your occupation?"

"I'm a whore," she says.

The accountant balks and says, "No, no, no, that will never work. That is much too crass. Let's try to rephrase".

The woman says, "OK, I'm a high-end call girl."

"No, that is still too crude. Try again."

They both think for a minute, then the woman states, "I'm an elite chicken farmer."

The accountant asks, "What does chicken farming have to do with being a whore or a call girl?"

"Well, I raised over 5,000 little peckers last year."