Definitely not intended to offend!!

A woman walks into her doctor's office, worried about the strange recent development to her thighs....a green spot on the inside of each. They won't wash off, they won't scrape off, and they seem to be getting worse. The doctor assures her he'll get to the bottom of it, and that she needn't worry until the tests come back. He sends her home.

A few days later, the women's phone rings, and it's the doctor. She immediately begs to know what's going on with these "spots."

"You're perfectly healthy; there's no problem. But, I'm wondering....is your husband a Harley guy?" the doctor asks.

"Yes. How did you know?"

"Tell him his earrings arent real gold."

good one...lol

For his birthday, little Patrick asked for a 10-speed bicycle. His father said, "Son, we'd give you one, but the mortgage on this house is $180,000 & your mother just lost her job. There's no way we can afford it."



The next day the father saw little Patrick heading out the front door with a suitcase. So he asked, "Son, where are you going?"



Little Patrick told him, "I was walking past your room last night. I heard you telling mom you were pulling out. Then I heard her tell you to wait because she was coming too. And I'll be damned if I'm staying here by myself with a $180,000 mortgage & no bike!"

I just read an article on the dangers of drinking.........

Scared the **** out of me!

So that's it!

After today....................
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No More Reading!!

good one

Calories can be burned by the hundreds by engaging in strenuous activities...
... that do not require physical exercise.

Beating around the bush - 75
Jumping to conclusions - 100
Climbing the walls - 150
Swallowing your pride - 50
Passing the buck - 25
Throwing your weight around (depending on your weight) - 50-300
Dragging your heels - 100
Pushing your luck - 250
Making mountains out of molehills - 500
Hitting the nail on the head - 50
Wading through paperwork - 300
Bending over backwards - 75
Jumping on the bandwagon - 200
Balancing the books - 25
Running around in circles - 350
Eating crow - 225
Tooting your own horn - 25
Climbing the ladder of success - 750
Pulling out the stops - 75
Adding fuel to the fire --160
Wrapping it up at the day's end - 12

To which you may want to add your own favorite activities, including:

Opening a can of worms - 50
Putting your foot in your mouth - 300
Starting the ball rolling - 90
Going over the edge - 25
Picking up the pieces after - 350

That is hilarious....great one!

good one!

LOL.....I never thought of that!!
Gonna try it right now....hee hee

Nope....sorry....that's all I got.....you might as well just shut down your PC and go on in to work...lol

Morning Franshade!!!!
It sure is......I just did it 3 times.....lol
I feel soooooo much better now!!!!!
Hee Hee....evil grin.....

1. Open a new file in your PC .

2. Name it ” Boss “

3. Send it to the RECYCLE BIN

4. Empty the RECYCLE BIN

5. Your PC will ask you, “Are you sure you want to delete Boss permanently?”

6. Answer calmly, “Yes,” and press the mouse button firmly….

7. Feel better?

HAVE A NICE DAY

A Texan bought a round of drinks for all in the bar and
announced that his wife had just produced a typical Texas
baby, weighing a whopping twenty pounds.

"WOW!" was the response from everyone at the bar.
Two weeks later the Texan returned to the bar. The bartender
recognized him and asked, "Aren't you the father of the baby
that weighed twenty pounds at birth? How much does he weighnow?"

The proud father answered, "10 pounds."

The bartender said, "Why? I know that babies lose some
weight after birth, but ten pounds? He did weigh twenty
pounds, didn't he? What happened?

The proud Texas father said, "Just had him circumcised!"

This morning as I was buttoning my shirt, a button fell off. After that, I picked up my briefcase, and the handle fell off. Then I went to open the door, and the doorknob fell off. I went to get into my car, and the door handle came off in my hand. Now I'm afraid to pee.

10) You wake up at 3 am to go to the bathroom, and check your e-mail on the way back to bed.

9) Your firstborn is named Dotcom.

8) You turn off your modem and are suddenly filled with a feeling of emptiness, as if you just pulled the plug on a loved one.

7) You spend half of a plane trip with your laptop on your lap, and your child in the overhead compartment.

6) You decide to stay in college for an additional year or two, just for the free Internet access.

5) You find yourself typing ''com'' after every period.com.

4) You refer to going to the bathroom as downloading.

3) You move into a new house and decide to Netscape before you landscape.

2) You start tilting your head sideways to smile. : )

1) Immediately after reading this list, you e-mail it to someone.

What goes in hard and comes out sticky and wet?

































































Bubble gum you bunch of sickos!!! lol

Typical macho man married typical good-looking lady and after the wedding, he laid down the following rules:

"I'll be home when I want, if I want and at what time I want-and I don't expect any hassle from you. I expect a great dinner to be on the table unless I tell you that I won't be home for dinner. I'll go hunting, fishing, boozing and card-playing when I want with my old buddies and don't you give me a hard time about it. Those are my rules. Any comments?"

His new bride said, "No, that's fine with me. Just understand that there will be sex here at seven o'clock every night.. whether you're here or not."

During the wedding rehearsal, the groom approached the pastor with an unusual offer:

"Look, I'll give you $100 if you'll change the wedding vows. When you get to the part where I'm supposed to promise to 'love, honor and obey' and 'be faithful to her forever,' I'd appreciate it if you'd just leave that out."

He passed the minister a $100 bill and walked away satisfied.

On the day of the wedding, when it came time for the groom's vows, the pastor looked the young man in the eye and said: "Will you promise to prostrate yourself before her, obey her every command and wish, serve her breakfast in bed every morning of your life, and swear eternally before God and your lovely wife that you will not ever even look at another woman, as long as you both shall live?"

The groom gulped and looked around, and said in a tiny voice, "Yes," then leaned toward the pastor and hissed: "I thought we had a deal."

The pastor put a $100 bill into the groom's hand and whispered: "She made me a better offer."

Two friends were playing golf when one pulled out a cigar.

He didn't have a lighter, so he asked his friend if he had one. "I sure do," he replied while he reached into his golf bag and pulled out a 12 inch Bic lighter.

"Wow!" said his friend, "Where did you get that monster lighter?"

"I got it from my genie."

"You have a genie?"

"Yes, right here in my golf bag."

"Could I see him?"

He opens his golf bag and out pops a genie.

The friend asks the genie, "Since, I'm a good friend of your master, will you grant me one wish?"

"Yes I will" the genie replies.

The friend asks the genie for a million bucks.

The genie hops back into the golf bag and leaves him standing there, waiting for his million bucks.

Suddenly, the sky begins to darken and the sound of a million ducks flying overhead is heard.

The friend tells his golfing partner, "I asked for a million bucks, not a million ducks!"

He answers,"I forgot to tell you that the genie is hard of hearing. Do you really think I asked him for a 12 inch Bic?"