well now that you mention it lol

Two guys where walking down the street when they saw two dogs humping.

One said, "I wonder how much liquor it would take to get my wife to do
it that way".

So they made a bet of 10 bucks on whose wife would do it on the least
amount of liqour.

After a week they met in a bar.

"Well", said the first guy "How much liquor did it take".

"A pint of whiskey", replied the other guy.

The first guy said "You win, It took me a whole bottle just to get her
out in the yard."

A big Texan cowboy stopped at a local restaurant following a day of
drinking and roaming around in Mexico. While sipping his tequila, he
noticed a sizzling, scrumptious looking platter being served at the next
table.

Not only did it look good, the smell was wonderful.
He asked the waiter, "What is that you just served?"

The waiter replied, "Ah senor, you have excellent taste! Those are
bull's testicles from the bull fight this morning. A delicacy!"

The cowboy, though momentarily daunted, said, "What the heck, I'm on
vacation down here! Bring me an order!"

The waiter replied, "I am so sorry senor. There is only one serving per
day because there is only one bull fight each morning. If you come early
tomorrow and place your order, we will be sure to save you this
delicacy"!

The next morning, the cowboy returned, placed his order, and then that
evening he was served the one and only special delicacy of the day.

After a few bites, and inspecting the contents of his platter, he called
to the waiter and said, "These are delicious, but they are much, much
smaller than the ones I saw you serve yesterday!"

The waiter shrugged his shoulders and replied, "Si, Senor. Sometimes the
bull wins."

Jeff walks into a bar and sees his friend Paul slumped over the bar. He
walks over and asks Paul what's wrong. "Well," replies Paul, "you know
that beautiful girl who I wanted to ask out, but I got an erection every
time I saw her?" "Yes," replies Jeff with a laugh. "Well," says Paul,
straightening up, "I finally plucked up the courage to ask her out, and
she agreed." "That's great!" says Jeff, "When are you going out?"

"I went to meet her this evening," continues Paul, "but I was worried
I'd get an erection again. So I got some duct tape and taped my penis to
my leg, so if I did, it wouldn't show." "Sensible" says Jeff. "So I get
to her door," says Paul, "and I rang her doorbell. She answered it in
the sheerest, tiniest dress you ever saw." "And what happened then?" "I
kicked her in the face."

<<<<<< Hold hellgurl back with a very long stick

Kung Chow called his boss and said: "Hey, boss I not come work today, I
really sick. I got headache, stomach ache, leg hurt, I not come work."

The boss says: "Kung Chow I really need you today. When I feel sick like
this I go to my wife and tell her to give me sex. That makes me feel
better and I can go to work. You should try that."

Two hours later Kung Chow calls again: "Boss, I do what you say and I
feel great, I be at work soon. You got nice house."

Three cowboys are sitting around a campfire, out on the lonesome
prairie, each with the bravado for which cowboys are famous.

A night of tall tales commences.

The first says, "I must be the meanest, toughest cowboy there is. Why,
just the other day, a bull got loose in the corral and gored six men
before I wrestled it to the ground, by the horns, with my bare hands."

The second chimes in, "Why that's nothing. I was walking down the trail
yesterday and a fifteen foot rattler slid out from under a rock and made
a move for me. I grabbed that snake with my bare hands, bit its head
off, and sucked the poison down in one gulp. And I'm still here today."

The third cowboy remained silent, slowly stirring the coals with his
penis.

A kid comes home from school with a writing assignment. He asks his
father for help. "Dad, can you tell me the difference between potential
and reality?"

His father looks up, thoughtfully, and then says, "I'll demonstrate. Go
ask your mother if she would sleep with Robert Redford for a million
dollars. Then go ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a
million dollars. Then come back and tell me what you've learned."

The kid is puzzled, but decides to ask his mother. "Mom, if someone gave
you a million dollars, would you sleep with Robert Redford?"

"Don't tell your father, but yes, I would."

He then goes to his sister's room. "Sis, if someone gave you a million
dollars, would you sleep with Brad Pitt?"

She replies, "Omigod! Definitely!"

The kid goes back to his father. "Dad, I think I've figured it out.
Potentially, we are sitting on two million bucks, but in reality, we are
living with two sluts."

There once were three guys who didn't have any money. or any food.

They had been stealing food for the past couple of days and still wern't
satisfied.

One guy finally said ,"Wouldn't it be better to ask for food instead of
stealing it ?"

They all agreed so one day they went up to this house and rang the door
bell . An old lady answered .

They asked her for food . She said she would only give them food if they
slept with her .

The first guy refused and so did the second, but the third guy was so
hungry that he agreed.

She took him into her barn and said to get started.

He said he wanted to blindfold her and she agreed because she was so
desperate.

Once blindfolded he took a piece of corn and started ****ing her with
it. He threw that piece of corn out the barn window and took another
piece of corn and started ****ing her with that one.

Afterwards she fed him like she said she would and he left .

The two other guys told him they couldn't believe he had done that for
food, especially since they had found free corn around the side of the
barn.

A husband and wife want to take golf lessons from a pro at a local
country club. The man and woman meet the pro and head onto the driving
range. The man goes up to hit first. He swings and hits the ball 100
yards. The golf pro says not bad. Golfpro: "Now hold the club as firm as
you hold your wife's breasts". The man follows instructions and hits the
ball 300 yards. The golf pro says "Excellent!" Now the woman takes her
turn. Her ball goes 30 yards. Golfpro: "Not bad, try holding the club
like you hold your husbands ****." She swings and the ball goes 10
yards. Golfpro: "Not bad, but now try taking the club out of your mouth
and hit the ball."

Mrs. Smith has three daughters who are all getting married within the
same month. She tells each one of her daughters to write back about
their married life.

To avoid possible embarrassment to their new husbands by openly
discussing their love lives, the mother and daughters agree to using
newspaper advertisements as a "code" to let the mother know how their
love lives are going.

The first one gets married and the second day a telegram arrives with a
single message, simply: "MAXWELL COFFEE HOUSE."

Mrs. Smith gets the newspaper and checks the Maxwell Coffee House
advertisement, and it says: "Good to the last drop..." So, Mrs. Smith is
happy.

Then the second daughter gets married. After a week, there is a postcard
that reads: "ROTHMAN'S MATTRESSES." So, Mrs. Smith looks at the
Rothman's Mattresses ad, and it says: "FULL SIZE, KING SIZE." And Mrs.
Smith is happy.

Then it is the third one's wedding. Mrs. Smith is anxious because two
weeks have passed and still no message from the third daughter. Finally,
after four weeks, comes a letter with the message: "BRITISH AIRWAYS."

And Mrs. Smith looks in the newspaper for the British Airways ad, but
this time she faints. The ad reads: "THREE TIMES A DAY, SEVEN DAYS A
WEEK, BOTH WAYS."

A lady goes to her parish priest one day and tells him, "Father, I have
a problem. I have two female parrots but they only know how to say one
thing." "What do they say?" the priest inquired. "They say, 'Hi, we're
prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?" "That's obscene!" the priest
exclaimed, "I can see why you are embarrassed."

He thought a minute and then said, "You know, I may have a solution to
this problem. I have two male parrots whom I have taught to pray and
read the Bible. Bring your two parrots over to my house and we will put
them in the cage with Francis and Job. My parrots can teach your parrots
to praise and worship. I'm sure your parrots will stop saying
that...that phrase in no time." "Thank you," the woman responded, "this
may very well be the solution."

The next day, she brought her female parrots to the priest's house. As
he ushered her in, she saw his two male parrots were inside their cage,
holding their rosary beads and praying. Impressed, she walked over and
placed her parrots in with them. After just a couple of seconds, the
female parrots exclaimed out in unison, "Hi, we're prostitutes. Do you
want to have some fun?" There was a stunned silence. Finally, one male
parrot looked over at the other male parrot and said, "Put the beads
away, Francis, our prayers have been answered!"

It's a beautiful, warm spring morning and a man and his wife are
spending the day at the zoo.

She's wearing a cute, loose-fitting, pink spring dress, sleeveless with
straps. He's wearing his normal jeans and a T-shirt. The zoo is not very
busy this morning. As they walk through the ape exhibit, they pass in
front of a very large hairy gorilla. Noticing the girl, the gorilla goes
ape. (no pun intended.)

He jumps up on the bars, and holding on with one hand (and 2 feet), he
grunts and pounds his chest with his free hand. He is obviously excited
at the pretty lady in the wavy dress. The husband, noticing the
excitement, thinks this is funny. He suggests that his wife teases the
poor fellow some more. The husband suggests she pucker her lips, wiggle
her bottom at him, and play along. She does, and Mr. Gorilla gets even
more excited, making noises that would wake the dead. Then the husband
suggests that she let one of her straps fall to show a little more skin.
She does, and Mr. Gorilla is about to tear the bars down.

"Now try lifting your dress up your thighs and sort of fan it at him."
he says.... this drives the gorilla absolutely crazy and now he's doing
flips.

Then the husband nabs his wife by the hair, rips open the door to the
cage, slings her in with the gorilla and slams the cage door shut.

"Now, tell HIM you have a headache."

Hey sweetiepie

On The Golf Course



Two old friends were just about to tee off at the first hole of their
local golf course when a guy carrying a golf bag called out to them, "Do
you mind if I join you? My partner didn't turn up."


"Sure," they said, "You're welcome."


So they started playing and enjoyed the game and the company of the
newcomer. Part way around the course, one of the friends asked the
newcomer, "What do you do for a living?"


"I'm a hit man," was the reply.


"You're joking!" was the response.


"No, I'm not," he said, reaching into his golf bag, and pulling out a
beautiful Martini sniper's rifle with a large telescopic sight. "Here
are my tools."


"That's a beautiful telescopic sight," said the other friend, "Can I
take a look? I think I might be able to see my house from here." So he
picked up the rifle and looked through the sight in the direction of his
house. "Yeah, I can see my house all right. This sight is fantastic. I
can see right in the window. Wow, I can see my wife in the bedroom ...
HaHa! I can see she's naked!! Hey! Wait a minute, that's my neighbor in
there with her ... He's naked, too!!! The *****!"


He turned to the hitman, "How much do you charge for a hit?"


"I do a flat rate: one thousand dollars every time I pull the trigger."


"Can you do two for me now?"


"Sure, what do you want?" asked the hitman.


"First, shoot my wife, she's always been mouthy, so shoot her in the
mouth. Then the neighbor, he's a friend of mine, and just a kid, so just
shoot his **** off to teach him a lesson."


The hitman took the rifle and took aim, standing perfectly still for a
few minutes.


"Are you going to do it or not?" said the irate husband impatiently.


"Just be patient," said the hitman calmly, "She's kneeling down in front
him ... I think I can save you a grand here..."

Hey y'all from Waynesboro georgia

I just checked on tickets down there and $700-$1000 is a bit steep for
me at this point Y'all just remember I have a house out in the
country with 4 bedrooms and a big back yard, we could always have fun
here lol

you're young...relax and enjoy life darlin

If I were Joyce I would dater myself too

I think I am dating me lollet me ask the hand if it's exclusive....I'll
get back to ya