A young lady got into a terrible car accident. Her face was burned terribly. The doctors couldn't use any skin on her body to graft onto her face for reconstructive surgery. As a result, her husband offered the skin off his butt for the surgery. She had the surgery and was as beautiful after as she was before the surgery.

One night she and her husband were watching TV when she broke down crying. "What's the matter?" her husband asked.

She said "I can't believe you did this for me."

Her husband hugged her and replied, "Don't worry about it, I love you, and I'd do anything for you."

But how will I ever repay you?" she asked.

With which he replied, "You don't need to repay me, you wouldn't believe the satisfaction I get every time I see your mom kiss you on the cheek."

A husband and wife decided they needed to use "code" to indicate that they wanted to have sex without letting their children in on it. They decided on the word Typewriter.

One day the husband told his five year old daughter, "Go tell your mommy that daddy needs to type a letter".

The child told her mother what her dad said, and her mom responded, "Tell your daddy that he can't type a letter right now cause there is a red ribbon in the typewriter." The child went back to tell her father what mommy said.

A few days later the mom told the daughter, "Tell daddy that he can type that letter now."

The child told her father, returned to her mother and announced, "Daddy said never mind with the typewriter, he already wrote the letter by hand."

After having their eleventh child, a couple from the country
named Bubba and Mary Sue decided that enough was enough,
(they couldn't afford a larger doublewide). So Bubba went
to his doctor (who also treated mules) and told him that he
and his wife/cousin didn't want to have any more children.
The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a
vasectomy that could fix the problem. The doctor instructed
him to go home, get a cherry bomb, light it, put it in a beer
can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to ten.

Bubba later said to Mary Sue, "I may not be the smartest man,
but I don't see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can next
to my ear is going to help me." So, the couple drove to
Kentucky to get a second opinion. The physician was just
about to tell them about the procedure for a vasectomy when
he noticed they were from Tennessee. The doctor instead told
the man to go home and get a cherry bomb, light it, place it
in a beer can, hold it up to his ear and count to ten.

Figgerin' that BOTH learned physicians couldn't be wrong, Bubba
went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a beer can. He held
the can up to his ear and began to count. "1, 2, 3, 4, 5...",
at which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs
and resumed counting on his other hand.

A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done.

The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip."

So next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm.

Upon his return to his office after mass, he found the following note on the door:

1. Sip the Vodka, don't gulp.
2. There are 10 commandments, not 12.
3. There are 12 disciples, not 10.
4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J. C.
7. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the Spook.
8. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the **** out of him.
9. When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ass.
10. We do not refer to the cross as the "Big T."
11. When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said, "Take this and eat it for it is my body." He did not say "Eat me"
12. The Virgin Mary is not called "Mary with the Cherry,"
13. The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, yeah God.
14. Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St. Peter's, not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's

Corn roast at my house this weekend, anyone coming lol

Two little boys are sitting In the living room, watching TV with their
parents. The mother looks over at the father with a wink and a nod
toward upstairs.

The father "Gets" the message, and they both get up and head towards the
stairs.

The mother turns back to the boys and says, "We're going upstairs for a
minute. You two stay here and watch TV, we'll be right back, ok?" The
two boys nod ok, and the parents take off upstairs.

The oldest of the 2 boys is old enough to know what's going on now, and
he gets up and tiptoes upstairs.

At the top of the stairs, He peeks into his mom and dad's bedroom and
shakes his head. He goes back downstairs to his little brother. "Come
with me", He says.

The two little boys tiptoe up the stairs. Halfway up, the older brother
turns to his brother and says, "Now I want you to keep in mind, this is
the same woman who used to bust our ass for sucking our thumb!!

Don't think suckin explains the kids lol

There was this couple that had been married for 20 years.

Every time they made love the husband always insisted on shutting off
the light.

Well, after 20 years the wife felt this was ridiculous.

She figured she would break him out of this crazy habit.

So one night, while they were in the middle of a wild, screaming,
romantic session, she turned on the lights.

She looked down... and saw her husband was holding a battery-operated
pleasure device... a vibrator!

Soft, wonderful and larger than a real one.

She went completely ballistic.

"You impotent bastard," She screamed at him, "how could you be lying to
me all of these years? You better explain yourself!"

The husband looks her straight in the eyes and says calmly:

"I'll explain the toy . . . you explain the kids."

A hillbilly family took a vacation to New York City. One day, the father
took his son into a large building. They were amazed by everything they
saw, especially the elevator at one end of the lobby. The boy asked ,
"What's this, Paw?"

The father responded, "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my
life. I don't know what it is!"

While the boy and his father were watching in wide-eyed astonishment, an
old lady in a wheelchair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a
button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small
room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched small circles
of lights above the walls light up. They continued to watch the circles
light up in the reverse direction. The walls opened again, and a
voluptuous twenty-four-year old woman stepped out.

The father turned to his son and said, "Go get your Maw!"

Cindy, a beautiful, well-endowed, young blonde, goes to her local pet
store in search of an exotic pet... As she looks about the store, she
notices a box full of frogs. The sign says:
Snatch Eating Frogs
Only $20 each!
Money-Back Guarantee!
(Comes with complete instructions).

Cindy excitedly looks around to see if anybody's watching her and
whispers softly to Ralph, the man behind the counter: "I'll take one."

Ralph, packaging up the frog, says, "Just follow the instructions
carefully." Cindy nods, "Okay," grabs the box, and is quickly on her way
home.

As soon as she closes the door to her apartment, Cindy takes out the
instructions and reads them thoroughly, doing exactly what it says to
do...
1. Take a shower.
2. Splash on some nice smelling perfume.
3. Slip into on a very sexy teddy.
4. Crawl into bed, spread your legs and put the frog down "there."

She then quickly gets into bed, puts the frog between her legs and, to
her surprise, nothing happens! Cindy is totally frustrated and quite
upset at this point. She re-reads the instructions and notices at the
bottom of the paper it says, "If you have any problems or questions,
please call the pet store". So, Cindy calls...

Ralph, the man from behind the counter says, "I had some complaints
earlier today. I'll be right over".

Within five minutes, Ralph is ringing her doorbell. Cindy welcomes him
in and says, "See, I've done everything according to the instructions
and the damn thing just sits there."

Ralph, looking very concerned, picks up the frog, stares directly into
its eyes and sternly says: "Listen to me! I'm only going to show you how
to do this one more time!"

A wealthy couple planned to go to an evening ball. They advised Stanley,
their Butler, that he was being given the evening off to do whatever he
wanted.

After an hour and a half at the ball the wife told her husband that she
was dreadfully bored and in fact would prefer simply to go home and
finish some work for the following day. The husband replied that he had
to stay for a couple of more hours since he had to meet some potential
business partners.

So, the wife went home alone and found the butler Stanley spread out on
the couch watching TV. Moving slowly towards him, she sat down in a very
seductive manner. She whispered to him to come closer, then even closer.
She moved forward and whispered in his ear:

"Take off my dress ..." she said And Stanley did so. "Now, will take off
my bra ..." she asked To which Stanley obliged. "Next, please remove my
shoes and stockings." she told him Stanley quickly followed her
instructions again. "Now, remove my garter belt and panties." she
ordered him. Again, without hesitation, Stanley complied.

She then looked deep into his eyes and in a sharp voice shouted: "The
next time I catch you wearing my clothes, you're fired!"

that would be prison =Bi**ch

prison=*****...lol

Peter met Sharon in a nightclub.

They enjoyed each other's company very much and at the end of the
evening Sharon invited Peter to her place, where they quickly got
involved in a very passionate and energetic session in bed together.

Finally, tired and satisfied, they both lay back in the bed and snuggled
up close to each other.

After a short while, Sharon began tenderly stroking Peter's manhood.
Surprised but appreciative, Peter comments, "Surely you can't be ready
for more already?"

Sharon replies, "No, but every now and then I get a bit nostalgic, and I
miss the days when I had mine.

arested=development

story=book

A man is sitting next to a woman on a jet which is getting ready to take
off. Suddenly, the man sneezes. He unzips his pants and wipes the end of
his penis off with his handkerchief. He zips up, and continues reading
his magazine.

The woman cannot believe what she just saw. Then he sneezes again,
unzips, pulls out his penis and wipes it off with a handkerchief.

The woman says, "Excuse me sir, but that is disgusting and rude, and if
you do it again, I am going to call the flight attendant and have you
removed from this plane.

He says, "I am so sorry that I have offended you. I have this very rare,
embarrassing physical handicap that causes me to have an orgasm every
time I sneeze."

The woman, disarmed by the man's honesty, and somewhat embarrassed by
her own callousness, says, with sympathy, "Oh you poor man, what are you
taking for it?"

"Pepper," he answers.