A recent survey done by marriage experts shows that the most common form of marriage proposal these days consists of the words: "You're what?!?"

Redneck Driver's Application
Plez compleet this paper, best ya can.

Last name: ________________

First name:
[_] Billy-Bob [_] Bobby-Sue
[_] Billy-Joe [_] Bobby-Jo
[_] Billy-Ray [_] Bobby-Ann
[_] Billy-Sue [_] Bobby-Lee
[_] Billy-Mae [_] Bobby-Ellen
[_] Billy-Jack [_] Bobby-Beth Ann Sue

Age: ____ (if unsure, guess)
Sex: [_]M [_]F [_]None
Shoe Size: ____ Left ____ Right
Occupation:
[_] Farmer [_] Mechanic
[_] Hair Dresser [_] Waitress
[_] Un-employed [_] Dirty Politician

Spouse's Name: __________________________
2nd Spouse's Name: __________________________
3rd Spouse's Name: __________________________
Lover's Name: __________________________
2nd Lover's Name: __________________________

Relationship with spouse:
[_] Sister [_] Aunt
[_] Brother [_] Uncle
[_] Mother [_] Son
[_] Father [_] Daughter
[_] Cousin [_] Pet

Number of children living in household: ___
Number of children living in shed: ___
Number of children that are yours: ___

Mother's Name: _______________________
Father's Name: _______________________

Education: 1 2 3 4 (Circle highest grade completed)
If you obtained a higher education what was your
major?
[_] 5th grade [_] 6th grade

Do you [_] own or [_] rent your mobile home?

Vehicles you own and where you keep them:
___ Total number of vehicles you own
___ Number of vehicles that still crank
___ Number of vehicles in front yard
___ Number of vehicles in back yard
___ Number of vehicles on cement blocks

Age you started drivin ______ (If over 10 are you
are still slow lerrnin ? [_] Yes [_] No)

Firearms you own and where you keep them:
____ truck ____ kitchen
____ bedroom ____ bathroom/outhouse
____ shed ____ pawnshop

Model and year of your pickup: _________ 194_

Do you have a gun rack?
[_] Yes [_] No; If no, please explain:

Newspapers/magazines you subscribe to:
[_] The National Enquirer [_] The Globe
[_] TV Guide [_] Soap Opera Digest
[_] Rifle and Shotgun [_] Bassmasters

___ Number of times you've seen a UFO
___ Number of times you've seen Elvis
___ Number of times you've seen Elvis in a UFO

How often do you bathe:
[_] Weekly
[_] Monthly
[_] Not Applicable

How many teeth in YOUR mouth? ___
Color of teeth:
[_] Yellow [_] Brownish-Yellow
[_] Brown [_] Black
[_] N/A

Brand of chewing tobacco you prefer:
[_] Red-Man [_] Skoal

How far is your home from a paved road?
[_] 1 mile
[_] 2 miles
[_] don't know

Available, single, not taken and all by myself here...oh, unless you count my dog Vince

why thank you coco

Grampa and Billy were working out in the garden. Grampa spies Billy trying to put a worm back into the ground. "You'll never get that worm back in his hole," said the old man. Suddenly, Billy had an idea. He ran into the laundry room and came back with a can of spray starch. After a few sprays, the worm was as stiff as a board and Billy was able to slide him back into the earth. "Billy! You're a genius," exclaimed grampa. He hugged Billy, gave him a dollar out of his pocket, grabbed the starch, and ran inside. Thirty minutes later, grampa comes back out smiling. He gives Billy another dollar. "Grampa," said the boy, "You already gave me a dollar." "No," replied grampa, "That dollar's from grandma!"

In the dead of summer a fly was resting on a leaf beside a lake. The hot, dry fly who said to no one in particular, "Gosh... if I go down three inches I will feel the mist from the water and I will be refreshed."

There was a fish in the water thinking, "Gosh... if that fly goes down three inches, I can eat him."

There was a bear on the shore thinking, "Gosh... if that fly goes down three inches. That fish will jump for the fly and I will grab him."

It also happened that a hunter was farther up the bank of the lake preparing to eat a cheese sandwich... "Gosh," he thought, "if that fly goes down three inches... and that fish leaps for it... that bear will expose himself and grab for the fish. I'll shoot the bear and have a proper lunch."

You probably think this is enough activity on one bank of a lake, but I can tell you there's more...

A wee mouse by the hunter's foot was thinking, "Gosh... if that fly goes down three inches... and that fish jumps for that fly... and that bear grabs for that fish... the dumb hunter will shoot the bear and drop his cheese sandwich."

A cat lurking in the bushes took in this scene and thought, as was fashionable to do on the banks of this particular lake around lunch time ~ "Gosh... if that fly goes down three inches and that fish jumps for that fly and that bear grabs for that fish and that hunter shoots that bear and that mouse makes off with the cheese sandwich. Then I can have mouse for lunch."

The poor fly is finally so hot and so dry that he heads down for the cooling mist of the water. The fish swallows the fly. The bear grabs the fish. The hunter shoots the bear. The mouse grabs the cheese sandwich. The cat jumps for the mouse. The mouse ducks. The cat falls into the water and drowns.

The moral of the story: Whenever a fly goes down three inches some p*ssy is in serious danger.

A couple were having financial problems until finally they couldn't stand it any more. The husband said to his wife that is was necessary for her to make some money through prostitution to get by.
So the husband drove her to the place where she had to do the job and in the evening he picked her up again.
"So, how much have you earned today?" the husband asked.
"Well", the woman responded, "I've made one hundred dollars and fifty cents."
"That's strange", the husband responded, "who gave you the fifty cents?"
Said the woman: "All of them, of course!"

BLACK EYES
People with black eyes spend the shortest time in relationships except for the one with their current addiction. They always fall in love with anything that has two legs, a pulse.They are great kissers----until they vomit all over you.. If you dont repost this and you have black eyes you will either O.D., spend the night in jail, or wake up next to some weird guy you've never seen before within the next 2 days.



Blue Eyes
People with blue eyes last the longest in relationships. They are super sexy, pretty, or handsome, very good kissers and are really hot. They always fall in love with their closest friends and never understand why. They are very funny, outgoing and don't care what people think or say. They are very satisfying and love to please. Are straight up WARRIORS((aka NINJAS)) when necessary. If you repost this and you have blue eyes you will have the best kiss sometime in the next 5 days.



Green Eyes
People with green eyes have the most passion put into relationships, honest and trust worthy, they have long lasting relationships. People with green eyes are also the most beautiful, are fun and outgoing, love to make people laugh, and random as hell. They long for the touch of another. They are very laid back. People with green eyes are very sexy and very attracted towards other people. LOVES to party. Tend to cover up true feelings, get scared over relationships. You will meet/stay with the person you're going to spend the rest of your life with if you repost this.



Hazel Eyes
People with hazel eyes are very lovable. They are really hot and are awesome to be around. They don't enjoy 'pet names'. They
don't care what people think or say. ***They are lovers, not fighters. But if you mess around, they'll knock you out.*** They are very satisfying and they love to please. They can exceed your pleasure standards. They are very laid back, chilled and love to just be around. If you repost this and have hazel eyes then you will be happy soon with the person who is in your heart.



Brown Eyes
Sexy as hell. Loves to make new friends. Their relationship tends to be very honest because if they aren't truly in love, then the relationship won't work. They fall easily for their best friends. Will do anything for that special person. Kind and polite. Enjoys being with their guy/girl. LOVES to party. Great in bed. AWESOME kisser. Can make ANYONE laugh or cheer them up. Loves to please the one they care for or love. Is not the kind of person that you want to piss off, cuz if you do they will kick your ass. Repost this if you have brown eyes and you will find the one that you are meant to be with within the next 7 min!




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Two old ladies are walking through a museum and got separated. When they ran into each other later the first old lady said to the second, "Oh My! Did you see that statue of the naked man back there?"

The second old lady replied, "Yes! I was absolutely shocked! How can they display such a thing! My gosh the penis on it was so large!"

Where upon the first old lady accidentally blurted out, "...Yeah, and cold, too!"

This couple comes to a new town and the guy gets a job at the local pickle factory. A few years go by and each year he wins the employee of the year award. One day in the 3rd year, he comes home looking all depressed.

His wife asks him what the matter is, to which he responds that he got fired.

"FIRED?!? How can you get fired, you're always employee of the year!!" she asked, stunned.

To this he responds that he had another fantasy that he needed to fulfill and it got him fired...

"Oh no, not again...What did you do this time?" she asks.

Well, I always fantasized about sticking my willy in the pickle slicer.

"You didn't!" she hoped.

He blushed and replied, "Well, yes I did."

Then she asks, "Did it hurt?"

"No not really," answers the man.

Puzzled she then asks, "Well what happened to the pickle slicer??"

He answers, "Oh, *she* got fired too!"

Covered in mud...I like it...Be there in a minute

One morning while making breakfast, a man walks up to his wife and pinches her on her butt and says, "You know if you firmed this up we could get rid of your girdle."
While this was on the edge of intolerable, she thought herself better and replied with silence.
The next morning the man woke his wife with a pinch on the breast and said, "You know if you firmed these up we could get rid of your bra."
This was beyond a silence response, so she rolled over and grabbed him by the penis. With a death grip in place she said, "You know if you firmed this up we could get rid of your brother.

Fred and Myra were residents at the local old age home. One day, Fred came shuffling past Myra when she waved him over.

"Fred," she said, "I'll bet I can guess how old you are."

"Okay," replied Fred, "go ahead. Tell me how old I am."

Well, you got to pull down your pants first Fred.

"What are ya talkin' about Myra?"

"I can only tell how old you are if you pull down your pants Fred."

Shrugging his shoulders, Fred obliges and pulls down his pants. Myra tells him to pull down his underpants as well.

Thinking 'why not?' he pulls down his underpants as well. Myra peers at his privates, inspecting from all angles. She takes his equipment in hand, moves it around a bit, feeling here and there. After some of this manipulation, she looks up at Fred and announces, "You're 87 years old."

Astonished, Fred looks at her in amazement!

"How did you figure that out Myra?!?!?"

"Fred -- you told me yesterday."

A guy and a gal meet at a bar.

They get along so well that they decide to go to the girl's place.

A few drinks later, the guy takes off his shirt and then washes his hands.

He then takes of his trousers and washes his hands again.

The girl has been watching him and says, "You must be a dentist."

The guy, surprised, says "Yes....how did you figure that out?"

"Easy," she replied, "you keep washing your hands."

One thing led to another and they make love.

After they are done, the girl says, "You must be a really good dentist."

The guy, now with a boosted ego says, "Well yes, I'm a good dentist. How did you figure that out?"

"I didn't feel a thing!"

HIS and HERS Road Trip

HERS:

Pulls off at wrong exit.

opens window

asks directions of a knowledgeable police officer

Arrives at destination presently.

HIS:

Pulls off at wrong exit absolutely positive it's the correct one.

Drives five miles into wilderness, still thinks he's right.

Drives an extra 5 miles just in case.

Finally rolls down window just to get fresh air

Pulls up to a 7 -11

Gets three hot-dogs, a large slurpee, and beef jerky

Asks person behind counter how to get back onto the highway.

Gets back into car.

Laughs at the idea of looking at a map as he pulls away from the 7-11.

Drives down a dirt road with no street lights insisting this is the way back because guy from 7-11 said it was.

Almost hits a deer

Curses the night

Curses you

Curses the large slurpee

Drives and fiddles with radio.

Yells at you for suggesting the map again

Admits he didn't want to go to Thanksgiving at your sister's anyway.

He hates your sister.

Ever since she called him a pernicious weasel

He had to look up pernicious.

Couldn't find a dictionary.

Finally found a dictionary

Couldn't spell pernicious.

Seethes at the memory of it all

But she is laughing inside...

And of course you're still lost.

Two young men decided to make a bet as to which one of them could make love more times in one night. They agreed that sunrise would be the end of the contest and each went to their respective motel rooms.

The more boastful of the two ... went right to it and made love to his date ... leaned over and marked a "l" on the wall ... Feeling sprightly, he went again ... and once again at the completion of the act ... marked another "l" on the wall - next to the first. Figuring he had the bet in the bag ... he decided to relax a bit and in relaxing ... fell asleep.

Awakened by the sun's rays coming in the window ... he quickly grab his lady and did it one more time ... and marked another "l" on the wall ... Just at that time ... His friend enters ... and upon seeing the marks on the wall exclaims:

"DAMN - a hundred and eleven ... beat me by three ..."

This is the private diary of a Viagra housewife...

Day 1
Just celebrated our 25th wedding anniversary with not much to celebrate. When it came time to re-enact our wedding night, he locked himself in the bathroom and cried.

Day 2
Today, he says he has a big secret to tell me. He's impotent, he says, and he wants me to be the first to know. Why doesn't he tell me something I don't know! I mean, he actually thinks I haven't noticed.

Day 3
This marriage is in trouble. A woman has needs. Yesterday, I saw a picture of Nelson's Column and burst into tears.

Day 4
A miracle has happened! There's a new drug on the market that will fix his 'problem'. It's called Viagra. I told him that if he takes Viagra, things will be just like they were on our wedding night. I think this will work. I replaced his Prozac with the Viagra, hoping to lift something other than his mood.

Day 5
What absolute bliss!!

Day 6
Isn't life wonderful but it's difficult to write while he's doing that.

Day 7
This Viagra thing has gone to his head. No pun intended! Yesterday, at Burger King, the manager asked me if I'd like a Whopper. He thought they were talking about him. But, have to admit it's very nice - I don't think I've ever been so happy.

Day 8
I think he took too many over the weekend. Yesterday, instead of mowing the lawn, he was using his new friend as a weed wacker. I'm also getting a bit sore down there.

Day 9
No time to write. He might catch me.

Day 10
Okay, I admit it. I'm hiding. I mean, a girl can only take so much. And to make matters worse, he's washing the Viagra down with neat whisky! What am I going to do? I feel tacky all over....

Day 11
I'm basically being screwed to death. It's like living with a Black and Decker drill. I woke up this morning hot-glued to the bed. Even my armpits hurt. He's a complete pig.

Day 12
I wish he was gay. I've stopped wearing make-up, cleaning my teeth or even washing but he still keeps coming after me! Even yawning has
become dangerous...

Day 13
Every time I shut my eyes, there's a sneak attack! It's like going to bed with a scud missile. I can hardly walk and if he tries that "Oops, sorry" thing again, I'll kill the bastard.

Day 14
I've done everything to turn him off. Nothing is working. I even started dressing like a nun but this just seems to make him more horny. Help me!

Day 15
I think I'll have to kill him. I'm starting to stick to everything I sit on. The cat and dog won't go near him and our friends don't come over any more. Last night I told him to go and screw himself and he did.

Day 16
The bastard has started to complain about headaches. I hope the bloody thing explodes. I did suggest he might try stopping the Viagra and going back on Prozac.

Day 17
Switched the pills but it doesn't seem to have made any difference...Christ! Here he comes again!

Day 18
He's back on Prozac. The lazy sod just sits there in front of the TV all day with that remote control in his hand and expects me to do everything for him. What absolute bliss!

Three college girls went in for physicals,

Upon examining the first woman the Dr. notices she has a large letter 'H' imprinted on her chest. The Dr. asked her "how did you get this?"

She says "my boyfriend is from Harvard, he likes to leave his letter sweater on when we make love."

While examining the second woman the Dr. notices she has a large letter 'Y' imprinted on her chest. The Dr. asked her "how did you get this?"

She says "my boyfriend is from Yale, he likes to leave his letter sweater on when we make love."

During the examination of the third woman the Dr. notices a large letter 'M' imprinted on her chest. The Dr. says "I see your boyfriend is from the University of Minnesota!"

She responds "No, my girlfriend is from Wisconsin!"

One day two very loving parents got into a huge fight, the man called the women a "bi*ch" and the women called the man a "ba*tard".

Their son walked in and said "What does bi*ch and ba*tard mean?" and the parents replied "ladies and gentlemen".

The next day the parents decided to have sex, the women said "feel my titties" and the man said "feel my di*k".

Their son walked in and asked "What does titties and di*k mean?" and the parents replied "hats and coats".

On Thanksgiving the dad was shaving and he cut himself, "S*it" he said, the kid came in and asked "What's that mean" and the man said it was the brand shaving cream he was using.

Down stairs the mom was preparing the turkey, and she cut herself, "F*ck" she said. Once again the kid asked "What's that mean" the mom said that is what she calls stuffing the turkey.

Then the door bell rang. The kid answered the door to his relatives and said "Alright you bi*ches and ba*tards, put your di*ks and titties in the closet, my dad is upstairs wiping the S*it off his face, and my mom is in the kitchen F*cking the turkey!

A prostitute went to visit a colleague in the hospital just before she was about to have a heart transplant. The woman, concerned about her friend's welfare, went up to the surgeon who was going to perform the operation and said "Doctor, I'm worried about my friend. What if her body rejects the organ?" The doctor replied "Well, she's 34 years old and is in extremely good health apart from her heart. How long has she been in the business?" The patient's friend replied "She's been working since she was 18 years old, but what's that got to do with anything?" "Well," said the doctor, "if she's been working for 16 years and hasn't rejected an organ, I don't think she's about to start now!"