Many, many years ago
When I was twenty three,
I got married to a widow,
Pretty as could be.

This widow had a grown-up daughter
With flowing hair of red.
My father fell in love with her,
And soon the two were wed.

This made my dad my son-in-law
And changed my very life.
Now my daughter was my mother,
For she was my father's wife.

To complicate the matters worse,
Although it brought me joy.
I soon became the father
Of a bouncing baby boy.

My little baby then became
A brother-in-law to dad.
And so became my uncle,
Though it made me very sad.

For if he was my uncle,
Then that also made him brother
To the widow's grown-up-daughter
Who, of course, was my step-mother.

Father's wife then had a son,
Who kept them on the run.
And he became my grandson,
For he was my daughter's son.
My wife is now my mother's mother
And it makes me blue.
Because, although she is my wife,
She's my grandma too.

If my wife is my grandmother,
Then I am her grandchild.
And every time I think of it,
It simply drives me wild.

For now I have become
The strangest case you ever saw.
As the husband of my grandmother,
I am my own grandpa!

Bubba died in a fire and his body was burned pretty badly. The morgue needed someone to identify the body, so they sent for his two best friends, Daryl and Gomer. The three men had always done everything together.
Daryl arrived first, and when the mortician pulled back the sheet, Daryl said, "Yup, his face is burnt up pretty bad. You better roll him over."

The mortician rolled him over, and Daryl said, "Nope, ain't Bubba."

The mortician thought that was rather strange. Then he brought Gomer in to identify the body. Gomer took a look at the body and said, "Yup, he's pretty well burnt up. Roll him over."

The mortician rolled him over and Gomer said, "No, it ain't Bubba."

The mortician asked, "How can you tell?"

Gomer said, "Well, Bubba had two a@@holes."

"What? He had two a@@holes?!" said the mortician.

"Yup, everyone knew he had two a@@holes. Every time we went to town, folks would say, 'Here comes Bubba with them two a@@holes.'"

Miss Beatrice, the church organist, was in her eighties and had
never been married.

She was admired for her sweetness and kindness to all.
One afternoon the pastor came to call on her and she showed him
into her quaint sitting room. She invited him to have a seat while she
prepared
tea.


As he sat facing her old Hammond organ, the young minister

noticed a cut-glass bowl sitting on top of it. The bowl was filled with
water, and in the water floated, of all things, a condom!

When she returned with tea and scones, they began to chat.

The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water
and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and He
could no longer resist. "Miss Beatrice", he said, "I wonder if you would
tell me
about this?" pointing to the bowl.

"Oh, yes," she replied, "Isn't it wonderful? I was walking through
the Park a few months ago and I found this little package on the
ground.
The directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet and that it
would prevent the spread of disease.

Do you know I haven’t had the
flu all winter

"I wish they could come up with some alternative that would be alot cheaper on everyone."

Ain't gonna happen!! Oh, we'll slowly switch to alternatives, but it isn't likely to be cheaper.

Remember the gas 'shortage' in the '70s, and our president said that we need to look at alternative energy (other polititions have said the same thing over the years)....Well, there has been some advances made in solar energy, hydogen fuel cells and electric powered vehicles. Electric trucks were in use back in the thirties and forties, delivering milk.
So, we could have been driving electric powered vehicles for a long time. But we fell in love with the internal combustion engines.

A Cajun man wants a job, but the foreman won't hire him until he passes a little math test.
Here is your first question, the foreman said. "Without using numbers, represent the number 9."
"Without numbers?" The Cajun says, "Dat is easy." And proceeds to draw three trees.


"What's this?" the boss asks?
"Ave you got no brain? Tree and tree and tree make nine," says the Cajun.
"Fair enough," says the boss. "Here's your second question. Use the same rules, but this time the number is 99."
The Cajun stares into space for a while, then picks up the picture that he has just drawn and makes a smudge on each tree. "Ere you go."

The boss scratches his head and says, "How on earth do you get that to represent 99?"
"Each of da trees is dirty now. So, it's dirty tree, and dirty tree, and dirty tree. Dat is 99."
The boss is getting worried that he's going to actually have to hire this Cajun, so he says, "All right, last question. Same rules again, but represent the number 100."
The Cajun stares into space some more, then he picks up the picture again and makes a little mark at the base of each tree and says, "Ere you go. One hundred."

The boss looks at the attempt. "You must be nuts if you think that represents a hundred!"
The Cajun leans forward and points to the marks at the base of each tree and says, "A little dog come along and crap by each tree. So now you got dirty tree and a turd, dirty tree and a turd, and dirty tree and a turd, which makes one hundred."
"So, when I start?"

Unless I change my mind (and I've been around women enough, I've learned how to do that )I'm gonna write 'OleJeb' on my ballot. Should I change my mind, I will, as usual, vote for the candidate who,in my opinion, will do the least damage to the good ole USA.

Hell of a choice, huh?

Every year, English teachers from across the country submit their collections of actual analogies and metaphors found in high school essays. These excerpts are published each year to the amusement of teachers across the country.

Here are last year's winners.

1. Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its two sides gently compressed by a Thigh Master.

2. His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like underpants in a dryer without Cling Free.

3. He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it.

4. She grew on him like a colony of E. Coli, and he was room-temperature Canadian beef.

5. She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog makes just before it throws up.

6. Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.

7. He was as tall as a six-foot, three-inch tree.

8. The revelation that his marriage of 30 years had disintegrated because of his wife's infidelity came as a rude shock, like a surcharge at a formerly surcharge-free ATM machine.

9. The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn't.

10. McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty bag filled with vegetable soup.

11. From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie, surreal quality, like when you're on vacation in another city and Jeopardy comes on at 7:00 p.m. instead of 7:30.

12. Her hair glistened in the rain like a nose hair after a sneeze.

13. The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you fry them in hot grease.

Are you aware of the discovery
in the human body of a nerve that
connects the eyeballs to the anus?
It is called the anal optic nerve.
It is responsible for giving people
a crappy outlook on life.




If you don't believe me,
pull a hair from your butt
and see if it doesn't
bring a tear to your eye.

The Lone Ranger and Tonto went camping in the desert. After they got their tent all set up, both men fell sound asleep.
Some hours later, Tonto wakes the Lone Ranger and says, "Kemo Sabe, look towards sky, what you see?
The Lone Ranger replies, "I see millions of stars.

"What that tell you?" asked Tonto.

The Lone Ranger ponders for a minute then says,
Astronomically speaking, it tells me there are millions
of galaxies and potentially billions of planets.
Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Time wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three in the morning. Theologically, the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What's it tell you, Tonto?"

"You dumber than buffalo ****. It means someone stole the tent.

I WAS SITTING IN THE WAITING ROOM FOR MY FIRST APPOINTMENT WITH A NEW DENTIST. I NOTICED HIS DDS DIPLOMA, WHICH BORE HIS FULL NAME .

SUDDENLY, I REMEMBERED A TALL, HANDSOME, DARK-HAIRED BOY WITH THE SAME NAME HAD BEEN IN MY HIGH SCHOOL CLASS SOME 40-ODD YEARS AGO.

COULD HE BE THE SAME GUY THAT I HAD A SECRET CRUSH ON, WAY BACK
THEN? UPON SEEING HIM, HOWEVER, I QUICKLY DISCARDED ANY SUCH THOUGHT.

THIS BALDING, GRAY-HAIRED MAN WITH THE DEEPLY LINED FACE WAS WAY
TOO OLD TO HAVE BEEN MY CLASSMATE. AFTER HE EXAMINED MY TEETH, I
ASKED HIM IF HE HAD ATTENDED MORGAN PARK HIGH SCHOOL

"YES. YES, I DID. I'M A MUSTANG," HE GLEAMED WITH PRIDE.
"WHEN DID YOU GRADUATE?" I ASKED. HE ANSWERED, "IN 1963. WHY DO YOU ASK?" "YOU WERE IN MY CLASS!" I EXCLAIMED.

HE LOOKED AT ME CLOSELY. THEN, THAT UGLY, OLD, WRINKLED, BALD,
FAT, GRAY, DECREPIT SON-OF-A-***** ASKED,



"WHAT DID YOU TEACH?"

Two physicians board a flight out of Seattle. One sits in the window seat, the other in the middle seat. Just before take-off, an attorney sits in the seat by the aisle. The lawyer kicks off his shoes, wiggle his toes, and starts to settle in, when the physician in the window seat says, "I think I'll get up and get a coke."

"No problem," says the attorney, "I'm by the aisle. I'll get it for you."

While he's gone, one of the physicians picks up the attorney's shoe and spits in it. When he returns with the coke, the other physician says, "That looks good, I think I'll have one too."

Again, the attorney obligingly fetches the drink. While he's gone, the other physician picks up the other shoe and spits in it.

The lawyer comes back and they all sit back and enjoy the flight. As the plane is landing, however, the attorney slips his feet into his shoes and realizes immediately what has happened.

"How long must this go on?" he asks the physicians. "This fighting between our professions? This hatred? This animosity? This spitting in shoes and pee-ing in cokes?"

A distinguished young woman on a flight from Switzerland asked the priest beside her, "Father, may I ask a favor?" "Of course. What may I do for you?"

"Well, I bought an expensive! electronic hair dryer that is well over the Customs limits and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through Customs for me? Under your robes perhaps?"

"I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you: I will not lie." "With your honest face, Father, no one will question you."

When they got to Customs, she let the priest go ahead of her. The official asked, "Father, do you have anything to declare?" "From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare. " The official thought this answer strange, so asked, "And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?"

"I have a marvelous little instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to date, unused." Roaring with laughter, the official said, "Go ahead, Father - - Next!"

A farmer walks into an attorney’s office wanting to file for a divorce. The attorney asks, “May I help you?”

The farmer says, “Yeah. I want to get one of those dee-vorces.”

The attorney asks, “Well, do you have any grounds?”

The farmer replies, “Yeah. I got about 140 acres.”

The attorney says, “No, you don’t understand. Do you have a case?”

The farmer says, “No, I don’t have a Case, but I have a John Deere.”

The attorney says, “No you don’t understand, I mean do you have a grudge?”

The farmer says, “Yeah, I got a grudge. That’s where I park my John Deere.”

The attorney says, “No, sir, I mean do you have a suit?”

The farmer says, “Yessir, I got a suit. I wear it to church on Sundays.”

The exasperated attorney says, “Well, sir, does your wife beat you up or anything?”

The farmer says, “No, sir, we both get up about 4:30.”

Finally, the attorney asks, “Okay, let me put it this way. WHY DO YOU WANT A DIVORCE?”

And the farmer replies, “Well, I cain't never have a meaningful conversation with her!”