It was so much easier when I was just an IRCA, Jackie. I wasn't licensed, yet and if there was a problem I could tell the resident that I would try to get them some help by telling an aide or a nurse. That doesn't always work any more because I have to realize that I am the help. I just can't pass the buck and unlike where I failed in being a good father because I didn't want to be the bad guy but the friend of my children; Now sometimes I have to be the bad guy. Sometimes I have to face some heavy karma. In some cases I have to be there where at other times I wasn't always there. In some cases where a resident asks about medication I have to relay the message to the nurse. I have to realize my own limitations and have to know when I have to have help. Was funny when the nurse has to change from being an aide to being a nurse. She will tell me something like I am your boss now and not just another aide. I will say something like I have trouble dealing with authority figures and liked you better just being an aide. There are times when she just likes being an aide because of the tremendous load it can be of being the nurse. Last night though the nurse gave me a reality check. She was telling the resident that we all need to get to bed for the benefit of the resident. I was asking if I could sleep in the middle. The nurse told me in my dreams it just wasn't happening.

Hey Cutelittledevil,

I was on trazodone the first time, cut in half for 50 mg and it still did the same thing. I guess I can try to cut the seroquel in half, couldn't hurt. Thanks for thinking of that!

..Feeling really down tonite.......

Oh, thanks, Jackie. You have gave me inspiration for another Alice In Wonderland poem. I will have to get to work on it.

Sorry you are feeling down, tonight, Wild.

Well, I owe, I owe so its off to work I go. Hope everyone has a good night. Sweet dreams.

I am in the same boat wildchic...I hope you feel better.

I had a chance to go visit my uncle in Florida next week. I am so depressed I had to turn him down. It would have been nice to get away, but I wouldn't have been very good company.

This is a horrible disease. It has ruined...I mean totally ruined my life. It is literally hell on Earth and torturous to live with this. And to top it off, who wants to be with someone like me? You end up all alone, with no wife or kids, no career and end up dying alone. Wonderful future to look forward to.

I try to help people but I can't even take my own advice. Maybe I should stop posting here....I am a hypocrite.

Ken - don't stop posting here and you are not a hypocrit. You are trapped in an ugly disease and you are trying to find your way out or to a neutral territory. There are so many meds and I am sure you have tried most. Just keep trying until you find one that is a better fit. I am sorry you had to pass up the trip, may have been a good change for you, and a good visit with family. You are important here and you have a lot of people who care about you. Please keep posting, especially when you are having a bad day, let us support you the way you have supported us.

Mommy - I would talk to your Dr. about changing your dose, but it does sound like it may be too strong if it is snowing you so bad. That is just my opinion though, you need to talk to you Dr. for their advice.

Coco - sorry things are bad for you right now. I agree with checking with your Dr. for samples when you run out, depending on the medication, doctors have samples of lots of the meds and can give you some to tide you over.

Karen - you are such a creative person, it must be hard to have to take the meds and tone that creativity down. What a hard place to be stuck.

Roy - I do understand how crazy your job can get. When I visit my dad I see the aides and nurses on the go. He is not in an Alzheimer's unit, straight nursing home, but he has his tantrums too, lots of them do. One of the hardest things for me would be to become attached to them and then have them die. My dad's first roommate died a few weeks ago, and it really bothered him, and I didn't know him well, but there is a really sweet little lady there who always talked to me when I would go in. She has been there since my mom was in there (mom died in 01/06) and this sweet little lady always smiled and was nice to me. I have seen her mental decline in the years, and she will smile at me now but I don't know that she remembers me even. I would have a really hard time with becoming attached and then losing a favorite resident. Kudos to you for the job you do.

Jax - you are in the middle of it and do get to see it all. I sit in front of a computer typing all day, in my "cubby hole" and I am grateful for people like Roy and you.

Wildchic - sorry you are feeling down, suspect it is the season, I know I have been crashing for a few weeks now too. Sick of the bills, stress, and not being able to see the grandkids doesn't help. Hate spending the holidays alone, but will again.

Cajun - welcome. As I said above, I think we are all stressed and depressed over the holiday season.

___________________
For those of you who don't know - the drug companies have a "Needy Meds Program" and depending on your income, you may be able to qualify to get your meds free or at a very low cost directly from the drug companies. You need to talk to doctor's office about this - it is done through them. You need to verify income, etc. But thought I would put this out there for anyone having trouble paying for meds, again, it depends on your income, but it has been a real lifesaver for many people. Coco - check with your doctor, I don't know about coverage in your area. Just a thought.

Take care, and hope you are all feeling better soon. Keep posting Ken, seriously, you have been a great support to us all.

Ken,

Someone out there does want you I have been diagnosed with depression been on several meds that make me feel foggy; I have good days and bad days. I just try to keep on going I find things that make me feel better, or to help me forget how bad it gets. So just be positive hang in there.

Feel free to say whatever you feel you need to say, Ken.

As for me I made it through the night. Third time since I have been at the facility that a resident has been infatuated with me. It sure feel weird. Nurse told me to let a female aide or her to attend to the female resident. So then my friend took care of her and this morning as I walking past the resident she was telling my friend that she thought I was cute. I started blushing and the resident said it each time I walked by her which made even blush worse. I didn't even think I could still blush at my age. 50 year old men are not cute in my book. The my friend told her that I was single, too. I told my friend not to encourage her; I am having a hard enough time as it is. Then the nurse started laughing at me and it was all I could do to get out of there. I couldn't get to the time clock quick enough to get out of there this morning.

Have you noticed that it always is worse in the evening?

It is worse for me in the evening, too. I think some of it may be psychosomatic. For instance, on cloudy days or days when I get lost in thought. One friend told me to always end my poems in a positive way because my poems bridge I have noticed. In other words one a train of thought may find continuation in another train of thoughts. I use poetry for therapeutic reasons and it is a good gauge for me to delve into the subconscious. If I isolate for very long and become less social I know where I work someone will comment on it. In Speech class I was taught that we can not communicate. It means that even though we may use oral communication to describe how we feel that our body sends out messages to how we internally feel. People can pick up on this to see if our body is in tune with how we say we are feeling. Some people can say that we send mixed messages because of this. Science says that man is a social animal.

i feel great today but yesterday was bad

Here let me feel just to make sure. Sorry me bad. I am glad you are feeling better today.

sometimes nights are bad sometimes it is places. And i have issues showing weakness so i try to hide it. sometimes people notice sometimes they do not. I just have to find things that take me away from the hard times and put me in the place i want to be. I do it through music

I agree. Nights can be the worst. I avoid places where I feel trapped by others. I had to walk out on two differnt claases due to anxiety at school.

I try to express myself in art. Scultping and poetry. My muse seems to have left me though. I think it is the meds. And last night, I was polishing a rock carving I was going to enter in a student show, break. I can salvage it, but it was a bit daunting after having worked on it for so long.

I can't carve rock in my house and it has been raining for the last few days. No where dry enough to work on my art.

At this point in time, my heart is in tears and my eyes are dry. Thunder, I know what you mean about trying not to seem weak. I know that in my life too many people mistook my generosity as weakness. So I have trouble crying even when I'm alone. The crying issue is just too long a story to type out and I don't usually talk about major issues in here.

Maybe I think I will appear weak? lil psychology there for myself ?

It's hard when you cant sleep, and the meds are not doing thier job like they usually do. I just couldn't wait for winter break and now all I want to do is go back. Now I remember why I went back in the first place.

I also feel bad that I haven't been around here much. Hell or in any of most of the forums. MB, you have been a great support person, as well as Marie.......you are here too and you can't take the wieght of the entire thread all the time. You are allowed to be human,ok???

Please don't leave the thread. You and alot of us have been through hell and sometimes just telling our stories can make others feel better cuz they know they are not alone. Then they can talk about what they have been through or just come in and kick it with us without worry.

And take care with the weaning off of the meds, ok? That could be having an effect on how you are feeling.

Ok, enough of my prattling.........

Creation, grief took care of my problem of not being able to cry when I need to. It used to be a hard thing to do but grief fixed it real good. Now I don't have any hangups about bawling. Just came back from my AA meeting and we had a lady celebrating 39 years. She had cracked an ankle then slipped and fell and cracked a knee. But she still made it to the meeting to get her medallion. Another lady helped me by relating that she was told to mind her own business early on in the program. She said it used to bother her when people told her that but got to understand that it helped her a lot because it gave her the ability to work on her real problem which was herself. When asked how the lady with 39 years made it she simply replied by hanging in there. I always feel better after attending a meeting. I was able to share how much venting has helped me to not walk around being pissed off at the world all the time. It reminds me of the book by Ayn Rand entitled Atlas Shrugged. The world can be a heavy burden and I am glad that I don't have to feel the weight of it any more.

Thanks Roy. I know coming here sometimes make me feel better. Even if I don't post. It can be hard to take my meds in the morning. Knowing what they will do to me after I swallow them. I can't type very fast, make lots of mistakes and other things. I just have to keep taking them. I don't have a choice. If I don't I will die. Which doesn't really bother me, but does my family. Sometimes I resent them for not letting me be about it. But what can I do?

I do cry sometimes. WHen I recently stopped taking a hormone I was on, I cried. It was wierd, but my hair is growing back! But now that it is out of my system again, just like before I stopped being able to cry. It was a short period of adjustment that unadjusted.....

As far as the rest of the meds, well, I just hang in there like your friend. I have no choice.

I am tired of being tired and they just don't understand. How can they when they don't have the problem? So I ry to fill my time with things at school, get as much sleep as my mind will let me and survive each day as it comes. I'm still tired.

So on the funny side of things........I get this email for a a pup, and he says he just wants to be friends and that he is a psych major. I could smell that a million miles away and wasn't going to end up in some effing thiesis for grad school or something. Anyway, I email him back and had short chats, then he sends me this.......

{lol...it would matter to me! but anyway, how are ya doin? i mean...obviously options aren't that plentiful for a poor, hungry, bi-polar college student. j/k...kinda. i'm just happy not to have to prepare for a final or anything like that. can i ask what you mean by intense? i think i'm pretty intense, but i guess it's open to interpretation. you just make me curious.}



So, I responded like this and have heard nothing since then ahahahaha

{ Options? I don't need them. I'm just here for the food. Who needs options? All I need is human interaction/friends.......the rest is gravey

Intense? Hmmmmmmm,

Roget's New Millennium™ Thesaurus - Cite This Source - Share This

Main Entry: intense
Part of Speech: adjective
Definition: forceful
Synonyms: acute, agonizing, all-consuming, ardent, biting, bitter, burning, close, concentrated, consuming, cutting, deep, diligent, eager, earnest, energetic, exaggerated, exceptional, excessive, exquisite, extraordinary, extreme, fanatical, fervent, fervid, fierce, forcible, full, great, hard, harsh, heightened, impassioned, intensified, intensive, keen, marked, piercing, powerful, profound, protracted, pungent, sharp, shrill, stinging, strained, strong, supreme, undue, vehement, violent, vivid, zealous

Antonyms: mild

Notes: emotions are intense while sustained application or attention is intensive; intense arises from within and intensive comes from outside (it is imposed or assumed)

Source: Roget's New Millennium™ Thesaurus, First Edition (v 1.3.1)
Copyright © 2007 by Lexico Publishing Group, LLC. All rights reserved.}

No options??? That was so funny, it didn't even piss me off. Just cracked me up. He was trying to poke the sleeping lion and got his ass chewed............evil grin

having a good day......talked to dr and he's told me that my lamictal dosage is gonna be 200.........just hope i don't run out before next month..............oh well, hoping to go to a dance on new year's eve.

Creation, At one meeting I attend there is a lady who has to take meds everyday. Her husband comes to the meetings and is a supportive Alanon. Not all Alanons are women. The beauty of the Alanon program is that the women who started it had the insight that alcoholism affects the whole family. Narconon was founded on the same principle but the only difference is addiction rather than alcoholism as a format. Narcotics Anonymous came from Alcoholics Anonymous so the transition of Alcoholics Anonymous to Alanon was similiar as the transition from Narcotics Anonymous to Narconon. Now we have Alateen and Narcoteen for the teenagers. I was able to see something that I thought was beautiful. An alcoholic had a sponsor and his Alanon wife had a sponsor. The Alanon sponsor helped the wife to understand her husband better. Sometimes just the Alcoholics sponsors and Alanons sponsors get together. It becomes like this great big extended family especially when the Alateens get into it. And we have the Alanons and Narconons to thank for it. It helps in so many ways but really shows up clearly in addiction because some addicts still have to take medications.

Sounds like you are doing well Amber, have fun at the dance.

Karen - you handled that kid well. I understand the feeling tired, feel that way all the time myself. My psych said it was the depression and stress I have been under, sure makes sense. But like you, I am tired of being tired. Hang in there, I just wish things would get better for you.

Roy - AA and NA do have great support systems. I had a friend when I worked in the prison system, she was a substance abuse counselor and exaddict. She broke her leg and was so afraid of having to deal with drug issues again, she wouldn't let them give her anything for pain when they set her leg. She was terrified even the pain med for them to set it would trip her addiction and send her backwards. You do a great job of staying sober, I know it can't be easy.

Thunder - we all have our weaknesses and we hide them from the world. I put on my "work" face when I go to work, etc., and know many others probably do the same. I agree with you on music being helpful and an escape. I have always liked music, but these last few months have really gotten into it. I don't play any instruments, but do enjoy listening. Wish I did have a talent with playing something though, is something I have always wanted to do.

Ken - I miss your posting here. I hope you are doing well. I am concerned that coming off the Lexapro may have made you feel worse, maybe you should restart until after the holidays -just a thought. I know the doctors I type for usually tell their patients to wait until spring or summertime to attempt to wean themselves off an antidepressant, avoids the more stressful season (like now - holidays) and in case seasonal affective disorder has anything to do with it, would be back into the brighter part of the year by then. Just a thought. Take care.

today is a strange day did not sleep much last night but it just seems like a great day sun is out, temp ids perfect im a little grumpy now and again but what bear is not grumpy, Went out last night was mistaken fro tim mcgraw not once but 15 times so it made me laugh. This is the type of day I love kind of feel normal again whatever I think normal is. Just want to hang out and maybe record later. I hope for all that we can all have many days like this except for the grumpy part. Merry Christmas to you one and all. Respect

Thunder Bear