I stand corrected said the guy in the orthopaedic shoes

What's the difference between stormy daniels and a kit - kat?


You only get 4 fingers in a kit - kat

Did you hear the one about the Irish woodworm?

They found it dead in a brick

Did you hear the one about the 2 baby seals who walk into a club?

My ex kept nagging that I was acting like a Flamingo, I thought, I’ve had enough of this, time to put my foot down.

There were five blondes and one brunette holding onto a rope off the edge of a cliff.
But their rope could only bear the weight of of five people.
The brunette said, "Save yourselves. I'll let go."
Impressed by her sacrifice, all of the blondes clapped…

What do you call a guitarist without a girlfriend?

Homeless.

what do you get when you cross a penis and a potato?

A Dictator

I like this one

God & Arthur Davidson The inventor Arthur Davidson, of the Harley Davidson Motorcycle Corporation, died and went to heaven. At the gates, St. Peter told Arthur,"Since you've been such a good man and your Motorcycles have changed the world,your reward is, you can hang out with anyone you want in Heaven." Arthur thought about it for a minute and then said, "I want to hang out with God." St. Peter took Arthur to the Throne Room, and introduced him to God. Arthur then asked God, "Hey, aren't you the inventor of women? "God said, "Ah, yes. " "Well, " said Arthur, "professional to professional, you have some major design flaws in your invention." God was somewhat taken back, and when He asked what the flaws might be, Arthur Davidson produced a list for Him to read. 1. There's too much inconsistency in the front-end protrusions 2. It chatters constantly at high speeds. 3. Most of the rear ends are too soft and wobble too much. 4. The intake is placed way to close to the exhaust and finally, 5. The maintenance costs are outrageous. "Hmmmm, you may have some good points there and it may be true that My invention is flawed... " God said to Arthur. "But the last time that I checked, more men are riding My invention than yours.

^^^^^

Why do the French like to eat snails so much?

They can’t stand fast food.

Some guy thinks you're having a religious dream. and tell the dream to a clergyman.

that man:

sir,
I saw the sea in my dream;
but it is not the sea,
but it is not a river,
but it is not stream,

I saw a house slightly ahead of him;
but it is not the home,
but it is not a villa,
but it is not mansion,

then I saw a forest a little farther;
but it is not the forest,
but it is not a wooded,
but it is not greens,

Could you explain this to me?

Clergyman:

God will punish you;
but it is not today,
but it is not tomorrow,
but it is not other day,

(Tintin, anyone?)
why does bianca castafiore like captain haddock so much?
she thinks he'd be great accompaniment on the high Cs

I think it's gonna fall flat ...

A blonde went to her OBGYN.
After her exam he told her - "you have acute vaginitis."
She said "awww, thank you."

The word f**k and how it is used explained...
http://youtu.be/wIiutYIP9Rw

"a s s" is the most complicated word in the english language - ismo
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RAGcDi0DRtU

A man is in bed with his Thai wife. They are having an intimate time. She is carressing his testicles which he enjoys. He asks her why she does that every night and why she loves to do that. She answers : “ because I miss mine “ :’-D

Applause for the stripper.

The soldiers were tired and lonely after spending weeks in enemy territory. To entertain them the Major called for this HOT number from the nearby town.

She came, danced and when the first dance was done, the soldiers went mad. They clapped for 5 minutes. For her second number she stripped and danced in sheer bra and G string.

This time the applause went for 10 minutes.

The next number she danced topless, and this time the applause went on and on.

The Major had to come on stage and ask them to quieten down for the grand finale.

For her last number, she was to strip completely and dance naked. The Major expected the soldiers to make enough noise to bring the roof down.

But ten minutes later, there is no clapping and the dancer comes backstage.

The Major asks her, "What happened? How come there was no clapping this time?"

She replied, "Major, how do you expect those poor boys to clap with one hand?!!?"