Conversation Narcissist – Who Me?

Two people talking where the conversation bubbles read 'Me, me, me, me, me....'
Conversation narcissism occurs when people compete for attention during social situations, they tend to steer the conversation away from others and toward themselves. It occurs in all types of casual interactions with family, friends and co-workers. It often occurs subtly rather than overtly, because we are all acutely aware that it's rude not to show interest in others, and prudent to avoid being judged an egotist.

In his book The Pursuit of Attention, sociologist Charles Derber studied face-to-face interactions of over 1,500 conversations and recorded how people traded and vied for attention. Dr. Derber discovered that despite good intentions, and often without being aware of it, most people struggle with what he has termed “conversational narcissism.”

And we are all guilty of it, everyone has at some stage felt that we couldn’t wait for someone to stop talking so we could jump in. We have all had conversations where we pretend to listen, but really we are focusing on what we want to say once we have found an opening.

During a conversation, each person makes initiatives. These initiatives can either be attention-giving or attention-getting. Conversational narcissists concentrate more on the latter because they are focused on gratifying their own needs. Attention-getting initiatives can take two forms: active and passive.

Active Conversational Narcissism.

This breed of narcissist always ends up shifting the attention to themselves in conversations. They do this by giving a few "supportive responses" so as not to appear rude, but end up using more "shifting responses". The shift-response is normally very subtle, the conversation narcissist will start by prefacing their response with something nice like, ‘That’s interesting,’ and then they will launch right into commenting about themselves ‘I’m thinking about buying a new car too.’

It’s all a matter of intent. You might simply be looking to highlight what the other person has said and share a bit of your own experience before bringing the conversation back to the other person. That’s a healthy response, but the conversational narcissist will use this opening as an opportunity to grab the attention and steer the conversation back to being all about them.

Passive Conversational Narcissism.

Instead of interjecting about themselves, conversational narcissists can kill a conversation dead in its tracks by simply withholding their support-responses. Support responses such as background acknowledgments, “Yeah,” “Uh-huh,” “Hmm,” Sure,” and acknowledgments such as ‘That’s great,’ show that you are listening. Supportive questions show that not only are you listening but that you are interested in hearing more ‘What are you going to do now?’

In the absence of such support responses, the speaker will begin to doubt that what they’re saying is interesting. Without the support of the other participant in the conversation the person’s topic withers away and that’s when the conversation narcissist can take the floor.

The dynamic of conversational narcissism is of course more complex than these few examples suggest. Derber also sees class and gender as influencing people's propensity for grabbing attention or to listen.

We should all therefore strive for the ‘ideal conversation’ which occurs when neither party seeks to monopolize the conversation. But as Derber points out, the ideal is very hard to attain, because people often enter into conversations seeking to receive attention rather than to give it. This norm is unlikely ever to change in a society that is increasingly impersonal and conditioned to award attention to those with status rather than to those who might actually have something interesting to say.

So enough about me, tell me more about you! End.

Posted: 18th September 2015

- See more at: http://www.greenlineconversations.com/news-events/conversation-narcissist-%E2%80%93-who-me#sthash.JqwluM88.dpuf

ya ever start talking to somebody or messaging them..can't quite put your finger on it...but something does not feel right

at first you think it's normal
he says some stuff about himself
his work, kids, he ex or how his marriage ended
you say a few things about yourself
but he does not show the same polite interest that you showed
somehow steers the conversation back to himself again
or barely acknowledges what you said
and launches into some long drawn out story


anytime you mention something about a conversation being a two way street
he changes the subject, talks about what a great guy he is or what a great husband he was but just was not appreciated or throws a word or two of sympathy your way or echos back some of what you said like a parrot or a human tape recorder to prove he listened or tries to side track ya by throwing a compliment at ya

and as soon as he thinks you are placated he jumps right back into talking about himself with you as his captive audience

Yes Tmommy, I know just what you mean. I am really not a big talker, so when people ask me a question, and Think for a few seconds to answer, I am always cut off while I am talking. It drives me crazy when someone doesn't listen to what I have to say. Why do people ask me a question, but don't want to hear my answer? For myself, I try to listen to what a person is saying to me and not just wait for that person to stop talking so I can talk.

You mean an attention wh***? AW for short.

you know the kind I am talking about

like to have a pool of people they are messaging

or so ya suspect

doesn't matter much what you have to say

it's all about them

She can talk to me all she wants to during the football game. I will hear about 48% of it but I will never interrupt her and her narcissistic azz.

Too funny.


If I answer that question then I'd be talking about me, me, me, me.
Why do you want to know if I'm a conversational narcissist?
What would you do with the information?
How would it affect you?
If I was, do you think I'd listen if you were to try and help me overcome it?


Pretty much describes the majority of women on the internet it seems.
"I don't want sex, fwb, one night stands, get to know me!
I don't want to meet immediately, I want to chat first, get to know me!
If you want to know anything about me, ask!
Why don't guys talk about themselves?
Why do guys just ask questions and not participate in the conversation?"

Also, this "Two people talking where the conversation bubbles read 'Me, me, me, me, me...." could possibly describe any two people who haven't seen each other for a long time and want to "catch up."


Not to mention

Did you notice that "most people" part?
If "most people" struggle with it....then more often than not you are going to encounter it when talking to any other person.
It's not rare, it's not special, if you encounter it in a conversation guess what...they're just like "most people," according to the guy that wrote the book from the op.


An argument could be made that all conversations are started for gratifying selfish/their own needs.


And this could possibly describe anyone that starts a forum thread ever...or responds to a forum thread with personal experience.
(or maybe even goes to the internet in order to socially interact with strangers)

I mean:
op : Two people talking where the conversation bubbles read 'Me, me, me, me, me....'
Response: personal experience, me me me disguised as you you you.
response 2: I know just what you mean. I am really not a big talker
response 4: you know the kind I am talking about
response 5: She can talk to me... I will hear about 48%...

That's just funny.

I think we've all both encountered and done this.

Question is, would we get involved with someone who's like that on a constant basis, albeit a friendship or a partner?
I like to think I wouldn't. I believe I'd sense it and would get rather irritated by it. I like conversations too much and if it'd be only about the other it's like a lecture, a monologue. If there's one thing that irritates me ...

I had one date who was like that. Bloke claimed to be spiritual and when I asked him what kind of thing he did, the rest of the date was listening to him. I let him, as I was kind of curious to see if he'd have the decency and common sense to notice that he was being utterly rude AND that I had lost interest about 10 mins in his monologue.
Nope. He went on and on and on. Needless to say there was no 2nd date.

Oh yes. I definitely have one friend who is like this. Annoying more so, because he says the same stuff, about the same things he repeats. Though I've learnt to show him, that I think it's silly. I just go onto another subject, after he stops talking. To let him know "You don't impress me". I switch off once he starts bragging about himself. Maybe everything he tells me about himself is true, but it all sounds a bit too hyped. I find it especially odd, is he'll tell me that women are all over him, when he goes to pubs, yet he the tells me he can't find a woman to be with. Is it any wonder I feel lost when I hang with him?


I think I should tell him outright that I feel bored after he's finished talking, and pretend to yawn. I'll keep doing it til he gets the message.

So why DO you hang with him?
Doesn't sound like a stimulating friend to be with.

see now if it was face to face and ya realized that this person was a blow hard who enjoyed a captive audience and tooting his own horn..the kind with an opinion on everything and you a gonna hear em all whether ya want to or not..

well you could excuse yourself for some reason or another and duck and run

what if it's online?


do all people have selfish motives? to an extent yes we all do things for a reason


but..I have noticed this happening when messaging online or texting

I will call it for lack of a better term " parallel dialogue"

two people both messaging like crazy

about their hobbies, political views, ideas on relationships, favorite color, sports, their relationship issues, kids...you name it

dual paragraphs of back and forth information being sent..

however, each one is so busy typing about themself
neither one is taking the time to read what the other has written or respond to it

me me, me, me, me me me... How bout you?

Oh me too,

me me me me, me, me me

uh huh uh huh uh huh

Is this for another essay/assignment for your study?

I think if it's online, after your own enthusiasm to ramble wears off a bit, you will start to notice that you never really get feedback on your stories and questions.
Unless you yourself can't communicate in a healthy way.

If such a scenario goes on for any length of time, you won't get any further with getting to know each other. You're basically just blogging. But even when you blog, you'd like feedback from people.
Isn't it a natural thing humans have to want real dialogue? A real connection?

Maybe many have become a bit 'numb' socially because we're so used to just posting 'blog-style' on FB. But in the end, isn't that why we get lonely after a while?
And is posting 'blog-style' on FB not caused by loneliness to begin with? Kind of like a loop.

Anywho... if I don't get answers to my questions or notice that my messages aren't being read, I start to withdraw from the conversation (emotionally at first). I want connection. And I will lose interest.

Apart from that, experts say you should only use Whatsapp and the likes for logistics and very short playful and flirty things. NOT for lengthy conversations.
For lengthy conversations, phone calls are better (for which you can use Whatsapp too of course).

nope not school related just how my brain works sometimes

hmmmm think you may have something there about blogging, facebook and those kind of sites..

people post random pics
quotes, cute little sayings, or they post selfies, what they ate for lunch
in hopes of getting some kind of response or at least a like or two


but on dating sites it seems there is almost a list of mandatory disclosures that some seem to have memorized and they regurgitate it over and over again to whoever listens

Anyone want to see my vacation pictures?

Here's an idea make up your own thread with them and some might look
You could title it
Look at me look at me. I'm your universe.

hahahaa

.. sure !but leave out the ones of you on the beach shirtless , just wearing a speedo... nobody should have to see that!!. .jk