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| Topic: A Date ... I'm Scared | |
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im new here just joined today i hope i find what i seek
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Sorry it is not going to be a match. I think it is kind to face facts and move on. Does no one a favor to justify being with them.
Particularly cruel when it is a good person over all. Shows growth that you have learned from your past. Congrats on that. The right one will come along. Better luck next time. |
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Sorry it is not going to be a match. I think it is kind to face facts and move on. Does no one a favor to justify being with them. Particularly cruel when it is a good person over all. Shows growth that you have learned from your past. Congrats on that. The right one will come along. Better luck next time. Thanks! 
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Am Seeking and looking for an attractive, charming, gentle, kind, and happy person who has a very good sense of humor. I wish to find someone who is serious in looking for someone to spend life with. I would like to meet a woman that knows how to be a woman and isn't intimidated by an independent man. I put God first in my life... I envision that 'fit' to be someone that is loyal, caring, energetic, a great communicator, mature, responsible, spontaneous, and independent. I want to find that person where we help fill in the gaps the other may be missing. True completion.. i don't mind to meet my soul mate any were in the world.
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The guy blew it then. I had a date like that a while back. Had a really good chat but I didn't flirt with her and she wasn't my usual type physically, so no sexual chemistry and I didn't even try to kiss her when we said goodnight. She was giving me this jazz about how her coming back to my place with a bottle of wine in no shape or form meant that she was going to have sex with me and I was thinking, "Don't flatter yourself darling. You're not all that and maybe if you were acting like you fancy me I might think that I've got a live one here but you're not and I'm not that desperate for a shag just now."
You maybe didn't make him feel desirable as a man either. Well, I'm sure that you didn't and sexual chemistry usually has to be mutual. You were certainly scared about meeting him and not looking forward to it. I've never had a date work out with a woman that wasn't keen myself. |
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Good point, maybe he was just being nice and not putting off the chemistry to attract you, don't know what chemistry that is myself, but I'm sure subconsciously, I've probably done it without even realizing it.
I remember one date, the women dressed sexy, was attractive, but kept talking about living with her brother and his family, her kids were taken away by her ex, when she was in the mental hospital (She didn't say mental hospital, but the actual name of the hospital, which is known around town as the mental hospital). She wanted to come home and continue our conversation, but I wanted distance as fast as I could get it. She could have been a nice person, but I kept thinking, mental issues, kids/baby daddy issues and needs a place to live ASAP. |
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Well... staying in the moment, what everyone says .. I find that so difficult to do, really something I got to learn. I decided just now to go back to yesterday and get back in the moment, how I felt, what really happened and so on. I made a list of pros and cons. And I must say it clarified a lot! There was a mental connection for sure, but not an emotional one. No attraction, and sure a spark can come later, but -and I find this difficult to put into words- at some core level you need to feel that there's an interest in you as a desirable woman. That you can be 'woman' with a man. But it was purely mental. And sure things can grow, but then you could attempt to get that with any and every man. I do believe there has to be a basic something there from the word go. Otherwise you're trying to make things work from the head, basically talk yourself into a relationship. And I have done that in the past. That's the Nr1 mistake I've made when it came to men and relationships. While doing my list, I also realized that I've never done anything like this. I never really made up my mind, like "I don't want this man" or "This is just not the guy for me." Period. (Unless it was painstakingly clear of course.) I did in a way, but wishy-washy, and if the guy did tell me he was interested, I swayed and let his opinion/feelings be the decisive factor, not mine. And believe it or not, I was so insecure in the past, that I ended up in an 11 year marriage that way ... And after my divorce I did the exact same thing with my 2nd partner ... So I do NOT want to do that a 3rd time. I think that is the lesson that I needed to learn here. I deliberately didn't check for reactions from this guy, because this time I wanted to make up my own mind before he could tell me his thoughts and feelings. And I realise now for the first time ever, that because of my past it is so important to me to be seen for what/who I am, that I forget that I also need to be seen as a woman. So I get all excited when a guy sees me for who/what I am, but that's not enough for a relationship. That's great for a friendship. I need a bit more from a partner. So .. this guy is a no. A nice man, but not the right guy for me. Dang, this stuff really is an enormous learning curve, isn't it! |
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Why do you think that he wasn't seeing you as a woman? Could it have been that he was just trying to show you that he's really interested in you as a person and it's not that he's just after sex?
Did you tell him that you were in an abusive relationship? If so, could it have been that he was going out of his way to show you that he's really a nice guy and a gentleman? Could he have been a bit nervous about how you would interpret his behaviour and didn't want you to think that he was trying to manipulate your emotions or rush you into a relationship? Prior to the date did you have serious conversations or flirty ones? Did you set the tone for the date in such a way that you signaled that flirting or coming on to you could be inappropriate? TL; DR Did you sabotage this date? |
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So, you're making your decision, based on stuff from the past and "intuition". A bit of convenient rationalisation and it doesn't feel right. You talked to your friends about it though and admitted that you were just worrying about what happened in the past.
You now know one more thing though that you want. It's a bloke that actually fancies you. You don't really go for the looks crowd but you want to be treated like a woman and you're a feminist. What do you think that a bloke thinks when a feminist says that they want to be treated like a woman? Forget the feminist dig and just ask what a bloke thinks when a woman says that she wants to be treated as a woman. This is some confusing stuff here. It can mean loads of things and not just as a sexual being. It can just mean that you want to be treated as a person. What if he saw you and thought, "Well, she's out of my league." He found you atractive but he's an ugly bugger that had to go on a site where someone might like him for his personality or mind. He thought that you wanted to connect mentally and not emotionally, whatever that means. It's hard to connect emotionally with abused women that have trust issues. That's one thing that I do know. They put up defences. |
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