Patient is the answer. Time is the greatest healer

okay, thanks for the input. lol

I know people who have stayed married simply for the children even though they were not happy at all and it showed, one of my cousins did this. I think in this case its better to split and be good friends because in this case your kids will see you happy as oppose to the opposite just for the sake of staying together. but again I've never been married and I haven't had children, I may think differently if that actually happened to me.

saying that I heard a story recently where someone stayed and he wasn't happy (for very good reasons) just for the sake the kids and I admire him for this. but this is a different to most cases.

Well, honest communication is very important. So many times we don't speak the truth, we speak a partial truth or imply chit, instead of saying what we should say. Then when we finally do speak it is in anger and comes out wrong.

In my case she wasn't stupid, she knew it was over and tried desperately to save the marriage. At the time I resented her for it and by the time I finally asked for the divorced I didn't respect her.

But she loved me and she was just confused because I wasn't honest. Neither of us atopped at any point and said "Hey, this is not going in the direction we planned, what should we do?" No, we just pretended until it was too late.

I always say communication is vital, but that is easier said than done.

sometimes honesty can slap you back in the face.

when you have made this commitment to each other before God and family
and you have spoken these vows 'for better or for worse'
you try to stick to it..

after those babies come along
and ya rock em to sleep
wave at them as they go into school
cheer at their ballgames..

you will try even harder to make it work
even when it is not perfect
because it's not just about you
and your own happiness
it becomes about them

there are many couples out there still married
and one or both are less than happy
but yet they stay together

of course when children are involved it makes it so much harder for the reasons you say, its not just about 'us' anymore, its all of them.

We all make decisions and choices we believe are correct, with our best interest in mind at the time. Mistakes are made, some can be lived with, others can't. It really depends on the people involved, how much they can handle, tolerate, and forgive. Personally I steer away from people who self praise and tell me how good, honest, and sincere they are. Especially the ones who say things like "I'll stick by you through anything, thick or thin", I'm in for the long haul" I learned over the years everyone has limits and makes choices. To stay or leave is a choice made, don't tell me you will be there in a time of crises when it hasn't happened yet and you have no idea how you will react.. Don't ya love when your ex says "You know you can call me if you need me? If you need someone to talk to" Yeah? Really? Where were you when I needed you? Oh yeah thats right...you walked out!
Sorry, excuse me...I guess I am still bitter from having divorce forced upon me

see all of us had this idea in our head of what marriage..a good marriage was supposed to be



sometimes for various reasons..the person we thought we married
just could not live up to that

no amount of explaining, encouraging or nagging gonna make somebody change who does not want to change


this is where the hostility and anger and resentment comes from


think it's just over time
you come to accept that
neither one of you were perfect people

I guess at times we all say things we think we would do, but when it comes to it, its not like we thought etc.

for example I would say those things because I believe I would truly stick to my word, but not everyone does for various reasons.

and that's okay, I understand. sorry your having a rough time.

exactly, people will only change when THEY want to, no amount of everything you said will change that.

sadly some people realise that when its too late.

yes, i often think that if only i had listened to friends and family and not followed my heart, i could have saved myself a lot of trouble... and a ew thousand pounds in the process!!

Sorry I'm not really good with computers...I'll try it like this


"when you have made this commitment to each other before God and family
and you have spoken these vows 'for better or for worse'
you try to stick to it.."

Being Christian I took my vows very seriously. I made a commitment before God and to a women I loved very much. I stood by my words to stay committed through the good, bad and ugly. There was nothing in heaven or earth that would make me walk away, turn my back, or abandon my family. Albeit I am not the best man in the world, but I try to be the best man I can be. Not always perfect, not always right. But then I use those same standards and apply them to my relationship, you (she) doesn't have to be perfect, not always right. A decision in a marriage (in my opinion) is made by "us" no matter who made it. What happens in a marriage stays in a marriage! We will deal with bad choices and get through it because we are a team, you and me...we became one flesh, united before God Himself. To quote the Bible A house divided cannot stand. The problem is not everyone takes these vows to heart, that they are a lifetime commitment. I don't think I could ever go throughout hat again, love that deep, allow someone so far into my life, my mind, and my heart. I don't have it me to give that much anymore, I don't want start over approaching 60 years old.

okay. but do you think you could have done anything different to save the marriage when you look back?

yes,in hindsight there are lots of things i could and should have done earlier to save my marriage but isn't hindsight wonderful

Sometimes, you walk away..just to save your life.
I should have done it sooner.

im just glad you did.

Oh, me too :-)

You always believe, going in, you will be together forever.
Then life happens.

You simply cannot control what another human being does,
or is capable of.

On the one hand I think "I feel sad so many people had to go through this pain"


but then the selfish me thinks "Yeah, but if they didn't I would never have known them, and my life would be the poorer for it."

so here's to the heart ache.