no you cant, and when you know, its time to run.

that's true in most cases and nice philosophy

but NOT when violence is involved or things of a similar nature.

Of course Debbie, it's just a way for me to say there are people here that I like.

Really, I wish their marriages and mine would have been wonderful and we either never met or met under different circumstances.


But, they didn't and at least here there can be friendship, there is a silver lining.

of course, I think the same thing.

nice philosophy, I that.

thank you.

The compatibility I am talking about isn't the simplistic version, of mutual physical sexual attraction and coordinatable lifestyles; of mutual tastes in music and art, or liking the same kinds of weekend activities.

What I'm talking about is compatible visions of what existence is all about.

The relationships I was in that failed, didn't fail because either of us stopped trying, in fact they failed in such spectacular ways and so destructively, because we DID try so hard to make our unmatched sense of right and wrong and meaning, function in spite of our fundamental differences.

That's what's so tricky about all this. People talk grandly and romantically about dedication, and trying, and scheduling time together, and so on. But those of us who have done all those things and had it all fail anyway, end up with a different understanding.

We can't choose what we fundamentally believe. We can only discover it. It's like real love in that way. We can go through the motions of what people in love do...we can have regular sex, clean up after ourselves, dress to please each other, work hard to bring home the bacon (or the kumquats, if you are vegetarian), but it's not the mechanics of love that make it happen or not.

No one should ever have to live with any type of abuse, especially with someone else putting their hands on them in other then a loving and unwelcome manner! This is one of the only two reasons for walking or even running away! Glad you are safe now.

There is so much to be said for meeting men when they are still young and hopeful and fresh and think that they have their whole life ahead of them. Most men my age have been through the trials and tribulations and the pain and heartache of divorce. Most of these men are emotionally scarred and emotionally unavailable or just plain bitter. I would prefer to meet men who are still hopeful and alive and open to love but I would end up with men half my age which I do not want or find stimulating on a mental and intellectual level. Unless I find a unicorn -- an attractive, successful, emotionally healthy man who is my age and still hasn't been married -- it is going to be harder and harder to find my true love the older I get. This is why it's important to get them when one is young. The pickings become slim the older we get.

The thing to take away from all this is to count our blessings. Many of you at least got your spouses when you were still young and fresh. Many of you got beautiful children and even grandchildren out of it, even if the relationship didn't last. You had some good years together. For a single middle aged woman who has never been married and still doesn't even have children, when most people around me are already on their grandchildren, I feel like I have missed out on so much. It is really making my heart ache that I don't have a man to love. It is depressing to me that I don't have children. I suppose the grass is always greener on the other side.

You are a very smart lady Iam..yes, very smart

it is always very sad when people cant move on because of fear and no matter how much you show that you love them, they are just to afraid to commit again. that really makes me sad.

maia the best for you is still to come.

people say to me, I wish I was you because I have all that excitement to come and they haven't because they have met all their milestones in life. obviously not everyone feels that way, im just stating what a few people have told me.

There are pitfalls to both the young fresh and hopeful...vs the experienced, scarred and pragmatic...
But there are good points too of course.

I know someone who after several attempts at having a happy family life, finally found it at the age of 55. By that time, he had already given up and consigned himself to being alone. He is 64 now, has a 9 year old son with his wife, adopted another who is 1 year today. He has a few kids who are older than his wife. He has had a lot of life experiences that have given him much pain in life....but at the same time do help him understand the needs of each and everyone in his household.

Maybe he is the exception...i dunno...but it's not impossible...

For me, no I don't think I would or could have done anything differently. I truly feel that I did everything a good husband possibly could. So does she. Only married (young) once and in love and stayed married for a very long time.

But then mental health issues arrived and with that alcohol abuse and a long dark road.

ultimately it was the alcohol abuse that ruined what we had. The mental health issues, well she never asked for and she has no control of that and I understood and accepted that. but she did with the alcohol.

Alcoholics at some point have to make a choice, alcohol or their mate and the mate does not always come out on top.

It is sad because in reality both walk away just shaking their head almost in disbelieve that it happened. That a bottle could ruin everything.

So sometimes it is things that you could never have foreseen coming.

really sad some people put substances over people, especially you.

Some things are hard to control...what is important is that you go through it without regrets and with a clear conscience...

Stops digging the hole in his backyard Puts down the shovel for a minute..hmm.. I don't know I did everything right.. some people are just sOoo unappreciative.. Picks the shovel backup .. now I really need to get her in the ground... it's hot out and she's starting to turn...continues digging the hole..... I really can't stand unappreciative people..

Plant tomatoes on top, I find that always helps

omg lmao

knowledge from personal experience always helps. lol

.mhhh.. I already have lots of tomatoes planted around my yard like I said I really can't stand Unappreciative people lol.... like my mailman.. I made him cookies last Christmas in lieu of a tip... I watched him through my window as he threw them in the garbage..... now that tomato plant..
grows tomatoes that have little Postal stamps on them lol..
.. then there there was my neighbor three Doors Down.. I cut his grass without even being asked several times.. and you would think when he saw me walking Milo passed his door.. he would have at least said thanks for cutting my grass neighbor...
didn't happen..... I actually planted a very nice squash on top of him...

.... but for the Mrs a rose bush....
I will let it grow and right when it starts to bloom and blossom I will stop watering it.. and just let it wither and die.. just because I know that's what she would have done.. that woman did not have a green thumb at all lol

Are those cherry tomatoes, by chance?

Only when wallowing in self pity and loneliness.


I don't know how you mean this.
It doesn't happen like flipping a light switch.
But the human focus is finite, and your brain is your biggest enemy in that it likes to hide the painful stuff you should focus on from you until you have to make an immediate decision.


The relationship fulfilled the purpose of what the individual (as a whole mammal) "really" wanted.
Or it doesn't fulfill the purpose of what the individual (as a whole mammal) "really" wanted.


Both? Neither?
People do or don't marry for all sorts of reasons.
"Marriage" is just a relationship (dictionary definition as opposed to how it's generally used in the forums).
Each one is different.

First marriage could have been a way to get away from parents, second marriage could have been due to pair bonding and procreation, third marriage could have been for better insurance and tax rates.
Or all three marriages could have been about avoiding being judged as having something "wrong" with them and not being desirable or "good" enough.

No such thing as "marriage just isn't for them."
Only "certain marriages, with a specific person, just wasn't for them, for any longer than it lasted."


People don't change when they want to.
People change.
And then figure out how to adapt to the change.
Change is scary. Change is noticing the grass in the distance waving when it was still before so there could be a lion in it.

Change represents danger from the established safety of the norm.
People usually rationalize how they are in control of how they've changed so it's less scary.


That's assuming a split will lead to the people being good friends.
That also assumes splitting won't allow them to become worse enemies when they feel they have to interact and have little control over it, getting used to not being around the other.

It also assumes that people then can hide their dislike or relationship problems from their kids just because of some separation.

It also assumes kids are kind of stupid. That they'll not notice that a person is really happy when their ex isn't around, and then miserable when the ex is around, thereby potentially forcing the kids to take a side, or develop 2 personalities one on moms side when moms around, and one on dads side when dads around, or just developing the idea that marriage and relationships just aren't worth all the BS, or people should only be friends and nothing more, that being friends is better than anything, and being friends that also fulfill physical desires?! Awesome.

If separation is better, than maybe it would be better to send off any toddler or teen to be raised by the state when a parent starts having problems with the kid and really just doesn't like a lot of the child's behavior.


All cases are different on the individual level.


Sometimes a slap in the face really wakes you up and forces you to focus on what's important.