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| Topic: people who are divorced/seperated | |
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Edited by
TMommy
on
Sun 08/09/15 11:08 AM
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mmmmm well let me just throw this out there be it simplistic or not
the amount of sex may not matter in long run but lack of it does have an affect on the marriage date night or going golfing together or bowling or out to dinner the 'what' you do together does not matter but NOT doing anything together over the long haul? does detract from how close you may feel as a couple variety and spice in bedroom and in what you do together such as taking up snorkling or antiquing or underwater basket weaving all good things as long as you enjoy them if it feels like pain in azz chore? not so much learning how to open your mouth and communicate your needs and listen to your partner's needs may not fix everything but keeping your mouth shut and ignorning your partner? fixes nothing you may think these things are but band aids on an already bleeding marriage but they have been shown to help many obviously in the case of infidelity or where love has already died these may be a little too little little too late sometimes when we marry young or when we marry without knowing each other as well as we thought.. we discover somewhere along the line we might have different value systems and morals different visions of what we want such as a little house in country versus an ocean front home with 3 car garage people do change over time..that is true. I am not the same at 46 as I was at 26..the changes that occur over time may not be in the direction you might like |
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.mhhh.. I already have lots of tomatoes planted around my yard like I said I really can't stand Unappreciative people lol.... like my mailman.. I made him cookies last Christmas in lieu of a tip... I watched him through my window as he threw them in the garbage..... now that tomato plant.. grows tomatoes that have little Postal stamps on them lol.. .. then there there was my neighbor three Doors Down.. I cut his grass without even being asked several times.. and you would think when he saw me walking Milo passed his door.. he would have at least said thanks for cutting my grass neighbor... didn't happen..... I actually planted a very nice squash on top of him... .... but for the Mrs a rose bush.... I will let it grow and right when it starts to bloom and blossom I will stop watering it.. and just let it wither and die.. just because I know that's what she would have done.. that woman did not have a green thumb at all lol 
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Some might have certain personality traits that don't bode well with whoever they're with at that time.
Some are too insecure. Some feel destroyed. They might lose trust in the other person. |
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Are those cherry tomatoes, by chance? 
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Are those cherry tomatoes, by chance?
uh oh you said cherry
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I knew it...
 
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I actually planted a very nice squash on top of him.
Even when you joke about killing people, you're hilarious and adorable. 
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when you look back do you think if ''I'' did something different it would have possibly worked?
Only when wallowing in self pity and loneliness. just falling out of love. you cant control that it just happens
I don't know how you mean this. It doesn't happen like flipping a light switch. But the human focus is finite, and your brain is your biggest enemy in that it likes to hide the painful stuff you should focus on from you until you have to make an immediate decision. why do people stop trying?
The relationship fulfilled the purpose of what the individual (as a whole mammal) "really" wanted. Or it doesn't fulfill the purpose of what the individual (as a whole mammal) "really" wanted. when people have been divorced 3 or more times do they keep repeating that same mistake or do you think marriage just isn't for them?
Both? Neither? People do or don't marry for all sorts of reasons. "Marriage" is just a relationship (dictionary definition as opposed to how it's generally used in the forums). Each one is different. First marriage could have been a way to get away from parents, second marriage could have been due to pair bonding and procreation, third marriage could have been for better insurance and tax rates. Or all three marriages could have been about avoiding being judged as having something "wrong" with them and not being desirable or "good" enough. No such thing as "marriage just isn't for them." Only "certain marriages, with a specific person, just wasn't for them, for any longer than it lasted." people will only change when THEY want to
People don't change when they want to. People change. And then figure out how to adapt to the change. Change is scary. Change is noticing the grass in the distance waving when it was still before so there could be a lion in it. Change represents danger from the established safety of the norm. People usually rationalize how they are in control of how they've changed so it's less scary. its better to split and be good friends because in this case your kids will see you happy as oppose to the opposite just for the sake of staying together.
That's assuming a split will lead to the people being good friends. That also assumes splitting won't allow them to become worse enemies when they feel they have to interact and have little control over it, getting used to not being around the other. It also assumes that people then can hide their dislike or relationship problems from their kids just because of some separation. It also assumes kids are kind of stupid. That they'll not notice that a person is really happy when their ex isn't around, and then miserable when the ex is around, thereby potentially forcing the kids to take a side, or develop 2 personalities one on moms side when moms around, and one on dads side when dads around, or just developing the idea that marriage and relationships just aren't worth all the BS, or people should only be friends and nothing more, that being friends is better than anything, and being friends that also fulfill physical desires?! Awesome. If separation is better, than maybe it would be better to send off any toddler or teen to be raised by the state when a parent starts having problems with the kid and really just doesn't like a lot of the child's behavior. I heard a story recently where someone stayed and he wasn't happy (for very good reasons) just for the sake the kids and I admire him for this. but this is a different to most cases
All cases are different on the individual level. sometimes honesty can slap you back in the face.
Sometimes a slap in the face really wakes you up and forces you to focus on what's important. arrrrgggggg. there was a few questions I would have liked to ask you in regards to your post, but there's no point because you don't answer questions when you have posted your reply. never mind. have a nice day.  
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mmmmm well let me just throw this out there be it simplistic or not the amount of sex may not matter in long run but lack of it does have an affect on the marriage date night or going golfing together or bowling or out to dinner the 'what' you do together does not matter but NOT doing anything together over the long haul? does detract from how close you may feel as a couple variety and spice in bedroom and in what you do together such as taking up snorkling or antiquing or underwater basket weaving all good things as long as you enjoy them if it feels like pain in azz chore? not so much learning how to open your mouth and communicate your needs and listen to your partner's needs may not fix everything but keeping your mouth shut and ignorning your partner? fixes nothing you may think these things are but band aids on an already bleeding marriage but they have been shown to help many obviously in the case of infidelity or where love has already died these may be a little too little little too late sometimes when we marry young or when we marry without knowing each other as well as we thought.. we discover somewhere along the line we might have different value systems and morals different visions of what we want such as a little house in country versus an ocean front home with 3 car garage people do change over time..that is true. I am not the same at 46 as I was at 26..the changes that occur over time may not be in the direction you might like Exactly what I was thinking TMommy, just said much better. In my first marriage we should have gone to a marriage counselor sooner. By the time we did it was too late. |
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Edited by
TMommy
on
Sun 08/09/15 11:21 AM
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see we as human being have a tendency to say to ourselves
ya ya ya I tried that in my marriage and we still got divorced but that is one union..one combination made of of two separate, individual people both with strengths, weaknesses, quirks, idiosyncrasies .. and for you as a couple these things may not have helped or not have helped enough but for others it might help a great deal 
what goes on behind closed doors in a marriage those dynamics are unique to that couple and must take into account personalities, upbringing, values, education level, and general outlook on life |
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What you said Tmommy sums it up perfectly
Without it yes marriage is doomed Learnt that through experience |
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Edited by
NorCalSwe
on
Sun 08/09/15 11:27 AM
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The core ingredients necessary from both parties are
commitment and trust. Lose either of those from either person and it's over. |
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What you said Tmommy sums it up perfectly yes it does.
thank you.
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The core ingredients necessary from both parties are commitment and trust. Lose either of those from either person and it's over. I agree. spot on. when the trust has gone to me there's nothing. |
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marriage and divorce is never a competition
not something to brag about " I lasted 20 years and you only 10". You have no idea the circumstances that they had to withstand in that time span. or spout off at the mouth that you tried harder in your marriage than other people..how do you know? You can only say I tried hard in mine for that assumes that you are privy to the private "going-ons" of that couples' marriage and can therefore see with that third eye omnipotence.. how they failed and you tried harder. |
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Yes commitment and trust are very important
Perfectly said No matter how committed you are it will fail eventually |
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The core ingredients necessary from both parties are commitment and trust. Lose either of those from either person and it's over. I agree. spot on. when the trust has gone to me there's nothing. Yeah, some people say you can rebuild it, but I'm not convinced. I think something has changed fundamentally and what you had can't be regained. You may salvage the relationship, but the trajectory will be different. |
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marriage and divorce is never a competition not something to brag about " I lasted 20 years and you only 10". You have no idea the circumstances that they had to withstand in that time span. or spout off at the mouth that you tried harder in your marriage than other people..how do you know? You can only say I tried hard in mine for that assumes that you are privy to the private "going-ons" of that couples' marriage and can therefore see with that third eye omnipotence.. how they failed and you tried harder. omg. so some people see this is a competition? wow that's shocking!!! the time span doesn't matter, someone can endure much worse in two years than someone did in twenty years. ive never thought of it that way. |
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Edited by
TMommy
on
Sun 08/09/15 11:48 AM
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myriad of things that affect a marriage
how couple feels about having children, the number of children, how close together they are in age religious beliefs loss of a job how many times the couple moves illness finances in-laws whether or not they are dual income couple education levels income levels where they live..if it's in a large city or rural area... their beliefs on parenting styles their communication style holy crapola I have taken over this page sorry Debbie did not mean to..once I get going sometimes 
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Edited by
NorCalSwe
on
Sun 08/09/15 11:55 AM
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myriad of things that affect a marriage how couple feels about having children, the number of children, how close together they are in age religious beliefs loss of a job how many times the couple moves illness finances in-laws whether or not they are dual income couple education levels income levels where they live..if it's in a large city or rural area... their beliefs on parenting styles their communication style holy crapola I have taken over this page sorry Debbie did not mean to..once I get going sometimes
Yep and sadly many couples don't discuss these issues before marriage. They make the mistake of thinking that their love will cover a myriad of sins, which in the long run, it most likely can't. |
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