when you look back do you think if ''I'' did something different it would have possibly worked?

I would think its more likely if ''WE'' did something different it would have worked, but even so in some situations nothing you or both of you did would have made it work.

for example, just falling out of love. you cant control that it just happens and there's nothing either of you could have done to save the marriage.

thank you.

oooo baby...



if he had never stepped on boat
we would still be together


if he had listened to my ranting, raving, crying and nagging
telling him over and over again that this much time apart will kill us
that we will both become so good at living alone we will no longer need one another

that he is missing out on his kids growing up
that we feel more like two strangers or room mates than man and wife


yes we are both aware of exactly when in our marriage
we made the wrong choices
which seemed like the right ones at the time

after all it allowed us to buy property, build a house, put money in bank

last phone conversation we had..he said
should have stepped off that boat a long time ago
got a job someplace, anyplace in order to be with me
that he put his male pride/ego and his career before me

I said "yes, you did"

sorry to hear that, so it seems there was nothing you could do different then I guess, it was because he didn't listen to you.

In my first marriage, yes. I did much like TMommy's ex, I focused on career, with the belief that a good career made a good family.

Then one day she left for a few weeks and I didn't miss her, in fact I was very happy to be alone and not happy when she returned.

It was over. I never gave her what she deserved because I wasn't honest with myself or her. I loved her but I loved my career more. She is a good person and I wish I'd never married her, she deserved better.

when you look back do you think if ''I'' did something different it would have possibly worked?

No, never

I would think its more likely if ''WE'' did something different it would have worked, but even so in some situations nothing you or both of you did would have made it work.

I see what I did wrong as well as what he did wrong. (That is not easy to see or admit... yikes !)
We didn't fall out of love or sex...
We both STOPPED trying & took each other for granted, & grew apart. So much so, that the relationship became TOXIC. No one, Imo, should stay in a toxic relationship. Both, would be happier apart... & WE are.

I admire the honesty. thank you.

I don't always think its a case of she deserved better, you just got your priorities wrong, if that's fair to say.

I can imagine its not east to admit, I really admire the honesty here.

I agree no one should stay in a toxic relationship.

"We both STOPPED trying & took each other for granted, & grew apart. So much so, that the relationship became TOXIC"



so much truth in this statement.

It was a good day... when we looked at each other & said " Weren't we horrible? " And laughed & agreed with each other.

yes there is and thank you.

-----------------------------------

this isn't directed to you but to anyone

why do people stop trying?

and when people have been divorced 3 or more times do they keep repeating that same mistake or do you think marriage just isn't for them?

I should have put this in my original post. sorry

well I guess its good you can laugh about it now. I think some people make better friends than lovers.

I don't believe in closure. But for us that was. Letting go, of the pain, resentment, disappointment , blame & self hate. And realizing, " We are not bad people, we are just no longer compatible enough to live with each other. ".
All in all, we married our best friend, which everyone should... imo.
So now... it is more like a high school reunion, " Hey, remember when..... And we think it is hysterical, when we shock our kids

d when people have been divorced 3 or more times do they keep repeating that same mistake or do you think marriage just isn't for them?

Oh yea... same mistakes, over & over. I think I dated a few of them. They get a blank or shocked look on their face if you ask them about it.



I think, most people panic, when the "honeymoon phase " is over, & interpert that as "love is gone" so they assume relationship is over... which actually is, if you are thinking that way.

awwww, its really great you still have a great relationship and especially when there's children involved.

sounds like your kids have a great laugh with your stories. cool

I haven't been in that many serious relationships, but looking back at them, I'm convinced that all of them were wrong from the start.

In a way, most of our stories here are alike in this way, depending on how you think about it. Putting career first, and having that career derail things, is a form of incompatibility. A big enough difference in the amount of face time or sex is another common form of incompatibility.

To a very real extent, if both my ex wife and I had pretended that what bothered us didn't, and that what mattered to us didn't, then sure, we could still be together. We'd still be miserable too, though.

In the relationships I was in I DID try, literally EVERYTHING, to try to make them work. But they failed, because I and the other person were just not compatible. That's it.

Honestly, no "what if's" left on my part.. He did not see what his choices were and how they effected everything till it was way to late..

Only married the one time.. And I can say I did everything I could to try to make things work even was willing to close my eyes to the past.. at the time..

Even gave him a chance to correct things, at first he said he would. But never did.. Once my mind was made up and told him it was time for him to walk out that door.. It was over and done with no looking back..

We have two kids together and grand kids.. we live 10 blocks away from each other.. We still call and talk to each other about the kids now and grand kids.. Well he calls me lmao for he knows I normally know or will ask...

It is what it is.. he seems happy with the one he is with and I'm a much stronger person then I was.. we can actually sit and joke around when at functions for our kids or grand kids... I would never want my kids to feel uncomfortable when around us both at the same time..

The past is the past deal with it and don't take it into the future with you.. Learn and move on...

I don't know if it's a simple matter of incompatibility
after all you were compatible enough..saw something in each other
in first place to be together

some of it may be different ideas of what you want/need out of relationship
growing in different directions over time
could also be complacency and lack of effort
or turns into a he said/she said competition of who had a harder day

there are couples who both work, both have responsibilities..the kids, the house, the bills

and yet they make their marriage a priority and actually take the time to do things together

so in your case it wasn't for lack of trying, it was just him.

im glad that people still say civil with each other when there's children involved.

thanks for the reply

excellent post.

ive always wondered why people stop trying. ive heard stories where people let go of there appearance and simply just stopped trying. ive never been married or been in a ten year long relationship. so I feel to hypocritical to post why I never did that in the relationships ive been in.